To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

For me the whole periods/ bras thing was a source of disgust or shame to my mum. I had my first period aged 12 and was told “don’t tell your Dad
My Dad was really uncomfortable when I started to get breasts, if I was wearing a T-shirt on a hot day he’d tell my Mum to make me put on a jumper (couldn’t tell me himself obviously!). I was about 18 before I felt comfortable with my body. And I was also told to keep my periods secret, when I accidentally left a red mark on the loo he complained to my Mum about the mark she had left, even though he knew full well that she’d gone through menopause and didn’t have periods!

My mother refused to buy me sanitary protection. When I was 14 I got a part time job and bought my own plus my own clothes as I only had my school uniform. She provided nothing for me, emotionally or otherwise.

There was no packed lunch provided for school, I lived off crisps and chocolate. She would leave one meal in the oven on a Friday and that would have to last me until Monday evening, when she would return after spending every weekend being wined and dined by her very wealthy boyfriend.

My mother was a social worker.

My mother was a social worker
Baffled. I wonder what she actually was like at her job. IF she recognised herself in the parents she saw - assuming she worked with children.

I am amazed so many people have had similar experiences.
My mother gave up cooking for us and doing our washing probably mid teens. I can’t really remember now. I was never bought clothes, I wore my mothers cast offs. Even her underwear!
I was also emotionally neglected.
I got a part time job at 16 and left home at 17.
I never had a good relationship with my parents. It’s very hard to forgive.

My father was a social worker and my mother a health visitor!!

My parents are psychiatrists!

The irony is not lost on me .

@Mummyoflittledragon she worked with children and adults and was apparently good at her job, at least that's what she told everyone. However she did nothing to protect me from being sexually and physically abused by her sons. It was pretty obvious with neighbours complaining about my screaming and me being admitted to the hospital where she worked after one of the worst assaults.

I think neglect was the least of my problems growing up. Fencing off the emotional and physical abuse was far worse.

We had no bedding and we lived in squalor. Proper squalor.
Never had any clean or otherwise clothes to go around.
Never had breakfast, lunch was hit and miss. Dinners were whatever we cobbled together if there was food in the house. If not, we waited till they got home and brought something. We ate like savages for years.

We were made to feel we’re a nuisance that needed dealt with. The beatings were daily and horrific. I was a bed wetter, often made to sleep in the bathtub or bathroom floor.

Do I Know why they did it? I don’t think they know why they did it.

Ilovemycaravan
That sounds horrendous!! My mother also didn’t stop my brother from physically abusing me. He liked to pin me down and squash me so I couldn’t breathe and throw me around like a rag doll / prevented me from leaving the room etc. The sexual stuff was non touching but she knew about it. He did it to destroy me - calling me to look at his erections, wangling his willy in my face along with his friends, made up a vile nickname with an acronym, which meant I had no pubic hair or breasts. I used to run to the neighbour regularly when my mother left us alone and he started with the violence. But I couldn’t do that when my mother was home, could I? Looking back I think it’s strange she never did anything about it either. I desperately wanted to tell her about my mother thinking she’d help. I now realise she would also have turned a blind eye. She probably just thought I was annoying.

FencingWire
That was so awful to read. I am so sorry your parents treated you so abysmally and society failed you so badly.

Woodcutbirds
It is logical to surmise two siblings had the same upbringing but sometimes it cannot be further from the truth. Why did my aunt move away and see my grandmother rarely yet my mother saw my gm weekly? (My aunt told me stories of their childhood and it explained a lot about my mother and why she wasn’t close to her mother).... then her daughter (my cousin) isn’t close to her yet her son sees her regularly. And my mother is close to her son but not me, her daughter.

In all these scenarios, I imagine there is very much a favoured child and a scapegoat. Idk enough about them. But I know I’m the scapegoat. Added to that my father lived vicariously through my brother and bought him all manner of exciting stuff and boys toys including animals. I wasn’t allowed to said animals approach otherwise my brother would hit me. I would have to beg my brother to sometimes use his boys toys. At times he said yes, other times, no.

In what world is it ok for parents to give one child such power over the other?? All I know is my aunt was expected to amuse my mother, who is several years younger.

Yes, I had one shirt (6th form uniform) and remember regularly washing it in the sink and hanging it to dry the next day. I don't know why I had so few clothes!

It is logical to surmise two siblings had the same upbringing but sometimes it cannot be further from the truth.

Same here, Mummyoflittledragons. Adored brother, adored middle sister, while my little sister and I just didn't matter. However, I believe children are acutely aware of injustice or unfairness; it's how they respond to this that is telling. My brother hated the blatant unfairness and ran away as a teenager, staying out of reach and out of contact for many years. He lives a solitary life now. Middle sister, who revelled in her golden status, now has her own golden son and scapegoat daughter so she learned nothing (or perhaps she learned too well). Little sister is determined to be a good mum to her little ones. She struggles at times because she has no idea what proper parenting looks like but she wants, above all, to make her two feel loved and safe and secure. I think she is doing a pretty good job.

My mother had a crappy upbringing. When she became a parent, she had a choice and she decided to take it out on my little sister and me. We had a crappy upbringing. We had the same choice - and chose to be different. Rather like the aunt mentioned by a PP, the one who is a wonderful teacher, gran and mother. I'm guessing that her aunt made a conscious to be different, to be unselfish and open and loving. Sadly, her mother did not and PP suffered as a result.

I've read some truly heartbreaking stories on here but what shines through is that those posters who went on to have children of their own were determined to do better, to be better, and to make sure their children feel loved and safe and secure. All credit to them. They deserve all the 💐 in the world. And .

A young girl , 14/15 was short of money at the till paying for sanitary.The woman serving had no sympathy, said bluntly, "you haven't got enough here". The girl looked not looked after (greasy hair, unkept clothes) and couldn't speak with embarrassment / shyness. I quickly paid the difference and when girl was gone couldn't help saying to till woman, god it must be awful to not have the right money for sanitary at that age.I know cashiers can't pay people's shopping but fgs, woman to young woman , help her!

Hey Fencing for you. I am so sorry. DS was a bedwetter for years and years - every night. The idea of doing anything other than change the bed and give him a cuddle back to sleep makes me feel sick.

@Mummyoflittledragon You are absolutely right. Children in the same family can have entirely different experiences. Recently my sister and I have been discussing our childhood. I think we almost couldn't bear to bring it up until our own kids were safely grown. But when we discussed it in front of our brother he just had no understanding at all of what my dad was like. because as a boy he was the favoured child. And because as the youngest, we protected him. I supplied his pocket money from my wages. He was so bewildered at some of the things he heard.

I stole quite a lot of sanitary protection from babysitting jobs.The only conversation that took place with my mother about periods was when she found tampons in my bedroom when I was 15, and disgustedly said 'we don't do that' (I think she meant tampons rather than pads) and took them away. She threw me dirty looks for days afterwards. I had to hide them after that.

This thread has been amazing and heartbreaking in equal measure. I feel exhausted thinking about this stuff, I'm also aware that if I ever talk about my childhood to friends (and I do) it's usually laced with palatable anecdotal humour like some kind of episode of Shameless meets Keeping Up Appearances. Like the one about stealing food from the school harvest festival display and getting caught, it's a funny story, very St Trinians - except it wasn't. I stole it because I'd run out of money and had nothing to eat for the weekend, literally nothing. I was told I was disgusting by the teacher who caught me, first for stealing, secondly for lying about why. To be honest I felt disgusting a lot of the time.

From about 15 my DM stopped really caring. She wasn't mean outwardly, not like some horror stories on here.
At 15 I had to do my own washing and ironing. I also had to buy all my clothes except school stuff. Except I wasn't allowed a job and didn't receive pocket money. It wasn't until we had a family holiday booked she realised I hadn't any clothes.
I didn't get any either, by then she'd spent all her money on my little sister's holiday wardrobe.
I spent the week wearing cut off jeans that had been too short and my dads old t shirt I'd tie dyed with bleach and my school shoes. And didn't go swimming.
I probably wouldn't have minded so much except everywhere we went she laughed about me looking a tramp and there was nothing she could do with me. She did it because she was embarrassed about my appearance and felt slightly guilty.
Didn't do anything about it though.

My parents provided everything for me and my siblings right up until we started working and earning our own money, as I did with mine.
I can't imagine denying mine the basics, such as sanitary protection. Mine are adults and have their own homes and kids, yet I still have a box of sanitary wear for my daughter's and daughters in law in case of an emergency when they visit.
I feel for all of you whose parents don't provide just because you've reached a certain age 😟

SingingLily it's weird isn't it? My mum definitely didn't have a horrible childhood. She spoke very lovingly of her mum and dad. When the East End was evacuated during the war, he r mum said no way would she leave her children with strangers, and they sold up their business and moved away so the family could stay together.

My dad did have a horrible childhood and it scarred him completely. But his horrible childhood eclipsed everything else. It was all we ever talked about. he was the only one in the family allowed to have emotions, the only one ever to be pitied or upset or angry. the rest of us were supposed to have fake smiles plastered on our faces at all times because poor daddy was the only person in the world who had ever been maltreated. My mother was so brainwashed by this she devoted her life to nurturing him as if he were her child. So not much room for us.

And yes, we do all have a choice about how we raise our children. Whether we put them first or ourselves first. I had kids late. Thank God. I was so screwed up in my twenties I'd have made a hash of it. But I was ready when DC came along to learn what to do. I just read books and learned anywhere I could. I even remember learning from watching Peppa Pig. How they all laughed when they made mistakes instead of being furiously angry. I actually remember watching the cartoon and thinking: Good idea - that's how I'll react next time. That's funny, but sad too: modelling your parenting on a cartoon because it's a better role model than your own upbringing.

And I found a wonderful book called Positive Parenting which was all about how to nurture without anger. I just followed it religiously until it became second nature and my God, that saved our family. I now am instinctively the parent they model in that book. Never angry or snide or manipulative or judgemental with my DC. We have a lot of fun together. We listen to each other. They confide in me. A lot has gone by the wayside as a result. My career is nothing. I'm fat and frumpy. I do need to start looking after me too, now they're grown, but I am so bloody proud of how I've raised them. And they are so loving in return.

I have a teen who looks like a scruff because she really does refuse to help me put up her hair, go for cuts, gets brows shaped, use makeup or nail varnish (she has tons) and has to be chivied into the shower. She has plenty of clothes but chooses to wear the same thing. Refuses to wear a bra (she's quite flat chested). But I'll get gutted if she comes back and blames me for it! She does request a certain type of pad for night that we can't get here (quite rural) so I order them for her at £3 for a pack of 6.

Rank I don't think your DD should be pushed into bra wearing if she's pretty flat chested and doesn't want one.

Nor should makeup and nail varnish be encouraged as though it's necessary. The difference is that she's been made aware she CAN have those things if she wants.

but she doesn't. So I wouldn't stress about it...she won't come back and blame you.

Hey Darjeeling I was exactly like your daughter. I didn’t wear a bra till I was about 21 and then I only did it for nights out at university because it made my clothes look better. I found shopping for them mortifying and they were so uncomfortable so I chose to go without. I hated shopping and make up (still do). I’ve only recently started to go for regular hair cuts. I think a lot of it was because I just felt like I’d never manage to be groomed and pretty like everyone else so it was better not to bother if that makes sense?

My mom would buy me things and leave them in my room as she was so desperate to get me something bless her. Keep trying, and chivying her into the shower she appreciates it on some level even if she doesn’t show it.

to everyone on this thread some of your stories have really shocked and saddened me x

I was born in the fifties, when my son was about 14 I stopped buying his personal clothes, for example stuff he would wear at weekends and out of school.

I bought his underwear, pjs and school wear, coats, shoes etc.

I gave him his family allowance and further spending money from me, he could then buy his own stuff and learn to budget, it worked quite well, I wasn't making any savings for myself and would give him extra when he was after something special.

When I was 14 I had virtually nothing, I am the oldest of 4 and didn't have a good relationship with my mother.

Yes another one here. From about age 14 mum seemed to almost forget I existed. To be fair my dad was chronically ill and died when I was 17 so I know my mum had her hands full. But it was sad and lonely, and I was relentlessly bullied at school for the state of my clothes and shoes. I had no one to talk to about the bullying because mum rarely ever had a conversation with me. I felt like a nuisance that she could do without. I left home as soon as I could.

@Mummyoflittledragon I can relate to so much of your posts. My mother also colluded with one of my brothers in particular. Always asking me what had I done to make him attack me, instead of protecting me from a 6'3" older male.

I also had just the one bra bought for me, with much sniggering and humiliation in the shop from her.

My education was shit. I left school with nothing. I eventually got myself a place at college evening classes. I was absolutely horrified at the thought of going to a library. I had absolutely no idea how to 'study' or what to do when I got in there.

I too overbuy on clothes, particularly for my children, often years in advance. They will never feel that sadness when they open their wardrobe doors and find nothing to wear apart from their school uniform. I have a strong emotional attachment to all my clothes and find it incredibly hard to clear out my wardrobe, just in case I might need that item in the future.

I am back I therapy again. I'm not sure I will ever be a normal, whole adult. The emotional neglect is too deep.