To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

@HennyPennyHorror My Mum was born in 1944 so I agree with your theory of it being generational

BEachcomber I never connected with that until you just mentioned it....cutting everyone from my childhood out.

I moved across the globe in the end. But even when I lived in England still, I never kept in touch with people I'd grown up with. Too painful.

Paranoia It's perfectly possible that our Mums were brought up with very minimal clothing. I think clothes back then in the 50s and even 60s were far more expensive and kids just had a school uniform a best frock and maybe some shorts and jumpers.

But it doesn't explain why I lacked essentials like gloves, decent shoes and stuff once I hit my teens.

Mixed bag here.
I can totally relate to most...no lifts, no clothes, no support, nowt basically...but I do think it was more common then (90's,)
Now , my parents are amazing...best grandparents ever ..I look back and think was it a financial thing, or I was a 'late' child (much younger than my siblings), but I can't go through life dwelling on things.
I'm sure throughout the ages every parent has had some downfall.
Not that I'd want to minimise the impact it could have on people (including myself) but I'm probably not a perfect parent for my era either. I'd like to think I am though ;-)

If you ask my mum if she has kids, she will say no. If you ask her if she has offspring, she will say yes. I was supposed to be an adult from 14 onwards and do everything for myself (appointments, buying clothes/toiletries, cooking, being home alone for weeks at a time) with barely any parental support because I wasn't a "kid" anymore. Needless to say I have emotional issues and NC with family (apparently I shouldn't need them), just gotta use their diabolical example of parenting as a "what not to do" with my own kids

@HennyPennyHorror Oh absolutely it doesn't! I don't know about my Mum.... My Grandmother was a wonderful woman. She made clothes for my Mum and was a very generous lady. So who knows where it came from with her. The only answer I get before she shuts down the whole conversation, is "Well I was working at 15" which I was too - up to 80 hours a week at McDonalds - but it doesn't explain the neglect prior to this. I literally had nothing.
Once I was in a homeless hostel at 16, I would go days without food. I often walked 8 miles to my parent's house to see if I could have dinner and as soon as I walked in, I got "Oh nooo" from my Mum, as they were all tucking in a lovely home cooked meal. (She was annoyed as it meant she'd have to drive me home after) Fucked me up immeasurably. Especially when they buggered off on holiday to Canada, leaving me in the hostel with zero money or food.

I can relate to so much on this thread
I never had my own clothes from the age of 13. I was given my sisters size 14 clothes, I was a size 8 at most. I never had good shoes. Regularly had school shoes that were falling apart. Never had the right school books and accessories going back to school in September. It was throughly depressing. I honestly thought it was just me but it was the 80’s/90’s and money was tight. I could only focus on what the children whose families had money had.
I don’t consider my parents neglectful but they made a lot of mistakes and definitely checked out when I became a teenager. I regularly felt 💔

Completely. I dragged myself up from the age of 12. I did a shite job of it. Thankfully I am bringing my own children up far better than I did myself!

I had no direction, no advice on what to do when I was older etc. I’ve totally fucked up my life because of it.

Never had proper clothes either, just a couple of pairs of crappy tracksuit bottoms and t shirts. I used to bunk off non uniform days.

rickysndportly No you haven’t. You’re trying to make things better for your children

My upbringing was similar. I remember talking to other kids at school at around age 12 and being shocked to hear that their parents gave them pocket money, washed their clothes and cooked tea for them every night, and drove them places at the weekend if it was raining. My mum had stopped doing all of those things. I never asked for lifts anywhere or help with anything or for new clothes because I knew it would make my mum angry, so I just left it and quietly got on with doing everything by myself, for myself. I got part time jobs, did well at school and got into uni and then I never went back again. Even during the holidays I would find somewhere else to go, even if it was a miserable place (sadly for a couple of years it was Christmas with my physically abusive, much older boyfriend. No prizes for guessing why I was so drawn to him...)

I've always told myself and others that my mum was just a bit strict and it did me the world of good to stand on my own two feet and not be mollycoddled, but in reality it made me feel like shit. I felt like no one loved me and everyone else had this safe, happy place that they could go to for Christmas or when times got tough, and I was just alone.

I also think it's made me waiver quite a bit with parenting decisions. I don't know what's normal because I didn't have normal. I love my DC to bits and I'll never let them go through what I went through, they will always know that they are loved. But still I can't shake the lack of confidence in my parenting, and it will get worse as they get older - should I be paying for this? Should I be doing that? Do they still need me, or am I spoiling them?

Sorry you went through all of that OP, I know it doesn't help the pain but at least you are not alone in your experience. Sounds like there were a lot of us, judging by this thread

Although I'm old enough to understand that being poor wasn't really their fault, it doesn't make it any better. We were pretty well off when I was very young but it took a sharp turn as I got closer to 10 due to illness. Passing 10 and becoming a teenager, the memories I have of never having anything my friends had, 1 pair of shoes until they wore out, 1 coat that was so cheap people noticed, etc. are still with me. Also, the older I got the less help, support and guidance I got which wasn't really anything to do with finances (although it could have been due to the stress of it all). It's had a huge impact on me, one I'm still feeling in adulthood.

It doesn't take the pain away Blablaa . My parents had two of them in full time work and a very low mortgage. It's weird that mine could have bought me more.

Gosh, this thread is awfully triggering. I don’t think I can contribute at the minute, but i’ve read every comment and identified with an element of almost everything.

One thing I do always wonder is why, when my parents separated, my mum clung onto custody of us so hard and kept contact with my wonderful, dedicated and loving father to weekends only, when she’d no real interest in her children or parenting us herself?!

Yes I had s similar experience at around that age too. I remember having to shop lift a school uniform skirt because I out grew mine. Told my mum who didn't get me one. I hardly had any clothes and had to ask for sanitary towels. Don't understand why she didn't just buy these automatically?! She never told me when I clearly needed a bath. I cringe when i looked at the school photos, when I had greasy hair and looked dirty. I had to find a job at 16 to pay for clothes and deodorant!

I worked and provided for myself from around 13 onwards. Then when I was around 17, my mother started taking from me. I went to uni at 18, and returned home one weekend to discover that she and my younger sister had cleared my savings from my account. They felt entitled to anything that belonged to me, and my sister grew up behaving that way towards me. Even as an adult she would visit me and I'd find that clothes and toiletries were missing after she left.

It’s called neglect.

I’ve thought over times of my own childhood and certain things were neglect. Not having decent bed sheets until I good buy my own, having very limited clothes. I feel it has left a mark on me. I always think I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve things.

I’m also terrible with money now & can’t properly budget. But when I buy new shoes or clothes I think about how hard things were growing up.

In my case, my own mother was neglected and had to raise her siblings and herself, so she didn’t know. Growing up I realised other children were treated differently and in many cases a lot worse. I’ve moved on from the trauma of my childhood. I suggest you speak to your mother now and don’t have this burden.

What she did to you was neglect, it may be that that was the way she was raised. But it may be helpful to find out why.

It’s funny, I couldn’t wait to be rid of my mum. I fainted on a train once. I was about 13 and just got my first period. And she marched me down to the GP and demanded he do a pregnancy test.
I didn’t even know how sex worked at the time. Cue teenage outrage
I retaliated by telling the GP she was weird and paranoid, and despite having four dds, still couldn’t say the word period without whispering.
And perhaps in future she could just try asking me.
When I left home a few years later, it was a huge relief to us both.

@MummyParanoia101 what the actual fuck?! That is absolutely terrible

This is such a sad thread, yet such a relief to read as in “phew, it wasn’t just me”. My dad died when i was 11. My Mum started seeing new boyfriends and I was just in the way. She didnt ever buy me anything or give me advice and when i did dare to ask it was a big drama.. she hit me when I asked for a new school cardigan. I had school shoes patched with newspaper and sanitary pads made out of cut up old pillowcases and filled with cotton wool. A friend’s Mum used to give me a bit of pocket money or buy me some nice shampoo. I learned to sew at school and made a few clothes but felt totally inadequate and old fashioned. I hate clothes now, (especially skirts they remind me of the crap I used to wear) , and just wear black all the time.

Friend of mine came home from school one day at about 16, to find the house empty and new people about to move in. Her parents moved to the other end of the country and made her homeless. This was in the 80s, so no emails or mobiles. She only saw them once or twice after that, and thinks they might be living overseas now but doesn’t really know.

OP I could have written your post. Just about every word. I too was a late surprise years after the others, and feel my mother was very bored with the whole parenting thing. I certainly felt a nuisance if i had to be collected from a sporting event or similar, so stopped bothering as I had no way of getting home.

My parents were quite well off, so I can't explain it. She was very house-proud and everywhere was clean and there was plenty of food but just a kind-of hands off approach to me and my needs.

She made me get a job at 13 and I was expected to buy all my san pro, deodorants, clothes, underwear, spot cream, toiletries etc. She would then get cross that I didn't have any savings and would talk about children who saved up for cars etc. Bit hard when I had to pay for everything else! I have some terrible memories from that time, of always feeling awkward and never having the right clothes. My confidence just evaporated:

• taking the day off school for an event and having to wear school clothes. To my shame, I appeared on television and all my friends saw me wearing my school shirt. Hard to brazen that one out.

• playing basketball on a team and having to wear ridiculous canvas slip on shoes because she wouldn't buy me sports shoes. It was so embarrassing and my teammates laughed/sneered. The Michael Jordan era early 90s were all about proper sports shoes.

• having a friend over to do a project and getting unavoidably dirty and being stressed because there were no clothes to change into.

• being invited to a school ball, but not being able to go because she wouldn't buy/hire me a dress.

• being invited to a slumber party and having to borrow her pyjamas because I didn't have any. Everyone else had matching sets.

• my parents being angry at me because I was involved in a dancing event through school and it was expected parents would attend and collect us at the end of the night. They drove me home in furious silence. No mention of my performance.

• getting injured and damaging my teeth. She was furious at having to take me to the dentist. No sympathy for my other injuries.

• crying about being bullied at school and her getting very angry with me and yelling "What do you want me to do Watching? Go to the school?" this said in an incredulous voice.

"No" I replied. "Good," she said. And never spoke of it again.

She has no memory of me being without clothes. I brought it up once after a few wines and she said "of course you had clothes" . Eventually I went seriously off the rails. She knew I was clubbing at 15, but then was surprised I didn't do well in school. I had stopped passing on any school reports for years and no one noticed.

Now she's old she likes to visit me and would like a much closer relationship. It's difficult.

And I know this post is ridiculously long and I will stop now, but I am forever buying far too many clothes and toiletries for my children because I never want them to feel that uncomfortable uneasiness of being ill-equipped in a situation.

Yup relate to a lot of this. The sudden disconnection and refusal to parent as soon as I got to secondary school. Total unpreparedness for life and an inability to look after myself and fill the gaps left: How does a young teenager magic san pro up when they’re unable to get a job or earn money in a tiny isolated village?

Let alone deodorant, spot cream, basic clothing, bras or GP appointments. Looking back on it, food was an issue too, although it’s hard to gain insights as nothing was ever talked about and I didn’t have that level of independent observation I have now, I just suffered through it, and tried to pretend none of it was happening and that it was all perfectly normal. Anything rather than admit the truth to myself I think, that my mother didn’t give a fuck about me.

We had ‘posh’ accents and lived in a naice house, so no one bothered to ask if I was ok, even when I was clearly not.

I spent most of my teenage years utterly humiliated and ashamed.

Thank god university got me out of there.

I've never related to a post as much as I have related to this.

Shocked at the amount of people coming from ‘naice’ areas/well off parents who experienced being uncared for. The neglect can’t be defended in those cases, knowing your parents have the money but are unwilling to spend it on you for such basic things is such a heartbreaking situation. I always did feel a sort of resentment at them for the situation we were in - they could have worked harder to earn more, done more, spent more wisely etc.
To top it off their relationship was shit and they didn’t hold back in front of us kids so we’ve ever so kindly been left with mental scars too.