To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

Pease dont feel alone, for you are not, I had a life very like yours never had much , maybe one dress a year and I always remember my Mum giving more to my older sister as she was deemed to be brighter than me. This made me feel second best in everything I did , But I was so wrong it took years for me to know my worth , but I did . We are worth so much more than we think we are so never doubt it. I am sorry you had weak parents but that is not your fault your children will feel loved and worthwhile because they have you as a mum, god bless you and keep you strong.

Similar for me too.

Dad didn't live with us and mum struggled with depression. I remember not going to a dental appointment aged about 12 because I was nervous of the dentist. Mum didn't even know I hadn't gone and then I never went back. Next went as an adult at about 20 yo.

Bought my own clothes and generally looked after myself (not always very well). I wasn't always very clean and never did homework. I remember on my 16th birthday getting ready to go out with friends. My mum (for once) asked me what I was up to and I said I was going out for my birthday and she just said OK see you later. Didn't even wish me happy birthday let alone give me a card or a gift.

I got up to a lot of nonsense from a young age. I'm lucky nothing really bad ever happened to me. I hardly lived at home really from about 15, I spent more nights in friends houses than at home.

I try not to think about it too much as it's upsetting. I was worried I'd be a crap parent due to not having a model to follow but my kids tell me I'm ace 😊 so that's good.

Hugs to everyone. It's hard remembering this stuff

Yes I can completely relate. I remember in my early twenties recounting to horrified colleagues how at about 16 i had once got a lift home from some random man at a train station after we'd both missed the last train. They asked why I hadn't called home and I couldn't really explain - I just knew I couldn't. Not that I'd be in trouble, just that it was my problem.

I just did my own thing from about 14 onwards. Had a Saturday job, bought everything myself, completely managed my own schooling, transport, social life, everything. She was incredibly uninvolved in my life. Looking back now it deeply affected me into adulthood.

My mum said to me about children 'once they get into secondary school they stop really needing you'. Its only now I have my own kids I see they actually need you more than ever. I think she just couldn't make that transition from parenting young kids physically to older ones emotionally, so just gave up and didn't bother at all. Which is strange because like you I know she loves and did love me dearly.

Yep this is me totally. My parents even moved out when I was 14. Off to pursue interesting things and coming back occasionally for weekends. They left me a freezer of ready meals but forgot on occasion. I outgrew my school uniform and didn't want to bother them or have to feel guilty about asking for new trousers. They came half way up my calves by the time I left high school.
I've eventually done alright for myself in life but have had to overcome massive self esteem issues. I still have them but got better at masking it.

It's funny the things that you remember.

I remember aged about 13 asking my mum if I was pretty (was feeling spotty and insecure and teenagery). She said no! I think it was the last time I reached out to her for emotional support.

She also never discussed periods or anything with me. I asked her about this recently and she said that she thought if I wanted to know anything I would have asked. She still doesn't see why the onus would have been on her as the adult. Weird.

Beachcomber, it’s true, you remember such vivid little vignettes. I remember one of her friends who I really hated said to me “why don’t you pluck your massive eyebrows thinner”

I looked her up on FB the other week and both she and her daughters have the worst eyebrows I have ever seen! Pencilled back in with sharpie now too! So I am sort of pleased with my self sufficiency really, and that I managed to stand up to it all x

My mum was born in 1945, so of that generation. Funny how 14 seems to be a common theme here.

I remember being desperate to start dance lessons around that age. She had always been vehemently opposed (used to work as the secretary of a ballet company and thought it was an odious life) and said I could go but she wouldn’t pay for them, drive me to them or make costumes for shows. I ended up getting a job to pay for them while also turning over to the ballet school the pittance my shit of an absent father would pay me each month in lieu of attention or affection. And I caught the bus.

I got distinctions in all my ballet exams.

Some of these I can relate to. Some are just plain neglect.
This though..
My dad was quite a sorted out guy (decent job, own house, pensions etc) but never once thought to tell me anything about managing finances or trying to buy a house. He just watched me pee my money away for years and years and years on rent and didn't ever mention buying a house being a good idea, or mention the idea of saving or getting a pension
I do wonder if our generation try to overparent in some ways tbh
I mean, learning about money is something I came to very late in life, but frankly that's on me. You can't expect parents to think for you about absolutely everything.
I do remember the being afraid to ask for stuff though. I didn't get lifts because we had no car but I once got yelled at for making a reverse charge call when I got stranded 2 miles away late at night! I was 14..I am astonished at the generally cavalier attitude my parents had to our safety, from very young ages. I'm extremely streetwise in a way my dc are not and struggle to see them as capable young people-they seem much younger much longer. Maybe that's good I don't know .

IamPickleRick, I try to think about it like that too. I'm resilient. My DH tells me that I'm overly emotionally independent though (I think that is his kind and understanding way of telling me I'm a bit detached). Since he told me that I make a conscious effort to tell him I love him (cos I do). I get a lot of joy from our children and from doing normal parent stuff like talking to them, listening to them, telling them I love them and telling them I think they are great people.

No i used to reverse the charges to my Nans house because my mum wouldn’t even had said yes to the operator 😂

I'm overly emotionally independent though (I think that is his kind and understanding way of telling me I'm a bit detached).

This is me, too.

This is so sad to read. My ds is 12 and he has 2 friends who seem to be experiencing this very thing since they started high school. There’s just no support there for them - they have food and a home but nobody checks in on them AT ALL. Managing school etc is all completely over to them and whilst I think independence is a great thing i think it needs to be taught gradually and also I think there’s a line - showing zero interest in your kids school , education, friends etc is over stepping that line. They also seem to have zero parental input on their internet usage and both boys have thousands of online ‘friends’ and have experienced things I wouldn’t want ds to.

Their parents are people we’ve known for years who would call themselves good parents, they have good jobs, plenty money etc. It’s very very odd and very very sad.

It's comforting that others have had this same experience. I've always felt I was alone in this and it's been something that has separated me from other people my whole life. Some of you could literally have been writing about me!
I relate to the mother born in the 50s and wartime grandmother as that's mine too. My mum said she always felt grown up at 14 and thats why she thought it was ok to leave me. But she still had family support around her, while I was literally alone for those teen years.
I also never had any advice about college, subjects, or career advice and muddled my way through making many mistakes along the way.
I had an older sister who they paid to go to uni but when my turn came I had to really fight to get any help.
Both parents had other relationships during my teenage years which is one of the reasons for the moving out (my mum) and absent dad. They're back together now but it still doesn't occur to them to ask much about my life or offer advice etc... We mostly talk about their holidays or people they know who I've never met.
My parter left me a while ago and his family rushed around to support him. It just didn't occur to mine to visit me and they still haven't a year later. Things like that always bring me back to those feelings of abandonment as a teenager.
And I never tell people any of this in real life because the pitying looks make me squirm and I hate the thought of being a victim... but it's a bit of a revelation to hear other people have had similar experiences. and hugs to you all. xx

Yes. This resonates with me. No clothes apart from school uniform which I wore all
the time.
No sanitary protection. We moved a lot so getting a job wouldn’t have been possible for me. No pocket money. I left home as soon as I could to get to uni( in the days when it was affordable ). My parents were supposed to make a contribution based on their income but never did. I had vacation jobs and then got work immediately on graduation . I am
sixty this year and Mum is still alive. I will never understand why they behaved like this.

Oh and the not getting lifts too. I cycled everywhere through rain or shine to friends houses or school from about 9 or 10. I used to get odd comments from friends' parents that I'd come over by myself and I used to feel embarrassed about it.
But despite all of that I do love my parents. I suppose we're all just muddling along in life and they just happened to have crap parenting skills.

ElphabaTheGreen

My DM’s is explained with selfishness, addiction issues and probably PTSD. Doesn’t make it easier to swallow. I never had even a minutes counselling after my dad died, probably because it was too much hassle and didn’t benefit her.

She’s dry now, and does recognise how awful she was and tells me I’m a brilliant mum and all that. She doesn’t remember all the awful ways she fucked us up, but when she sees how close I am to my own DC, I think she realises she played it wrong. I can’t change what happened to me, my way of dealing with it is to make damned sure my kids never have to go through any of what I did.

to everyone

I think one of my main sadness about it all is that I have almost no-one in my current life from my childhood. I turned my back on all of it once I left home and gained full adult control of my life.

I'm lucky enough to have plenty of good friends but they are all from 18/19 years old onwards. I just cut off from everyone, including relatives, and it's a shame but I had to in order to move on and be myself.

Yep same here. I was kicked out at 16. Made homeless. Barely any clothes, no money, no food. Almost died.
Now, my Nephew is almost 19 and she smothers him with love still to this day. Just like she always did with my brother

Ah me too. Got far away as soon as I could and didn't stay in contact with anyone from school. I couldn't have dealt with that at all at the time. I had to be reborn in a way with totally new people in a new city. Relatives are a tricky one with me too. I always wonder why no one made any effort to reach out so it's hard to build that now.

My own mum had a crappy experience as a teenager and now admits she found it difficult to be understanding of me when I reached my teens.
Many other people’s stories rang true for me: not wanting to attend appointments with me even though it was expected she would, not providing/actively denying everyday basics because she claimed not to see the need. When I was 13 my step grandmother sent me a package of bras because she screwed her face up at me and told me I didn’t need one (I was already a B cup, I did) and made disparaging comments about the ill fitting one I had bought in a charity shop.
I just remember feeling like she didn’t have my back.

I moved to another country altogether!

everyone and good night and thanks for not being alone.

Oh and the resentment about taking me anywhere. It was always extremely stressful for her and she always made me feel guilty for asking.

Another one here. Left on my own for short periods from age 3. Walking a mile to school and back by myself every day from age 5. In charge of the baby at 6. Baby sitting two younger siblings by 9. Etc etc.
I also recognise the self reliance to (and way past) the point of detachment.
We are not alone and we are breaking the cycle by being better parents.