To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

ILovemyCaravan
Your mother sounds so cruel. Whereas I think mine was actually more not self aware and a narcissist. With regards to my education she blamed me for failing my 12+, when I boarder line failed due to a lack of self worth and confidence rather than ability. She was responsible for my self loathing and had I had nurturing parenting I have no doubt I would have passed. She used to talk at me, so unaware how it would feel when she boasted how wonderful her education at a prestigious grammar was, how over prepared for her ‘O’ levels whereas I wasn’t even taught all of the syllabus - maths for example there was no choice on the paper between a and b because I hadn’t been taught a.

And then the bra thing, she went on and on about how I didn’t need one and on and on about how her gm had made her one out of handkies as they didn’t come in such a small size in her day and really couldn’t see the irony that she had had that need met. I’m sure she’ll blather on again when dd gets her first bra (she’s 10 and knows whenever she’s ready). Her father by all account wasn’t a nice man and decided what the children did and didn’t need. I really didn’t know my gm, such was my confusion even in young adulthood but my dh said she wasn’t very nice. I realise she couldn’t have been as she never showed me any love. She was also very self absorbed and I imagine that was because she had the pain of losing two children.

With my brother she would sometimes attempt to discipline him for his treatment of me and she’d try to whack him. But they’d end up laughing together.... two abusers. She never told my father after I was about 5, when my brother was so upset about potentially being beaten by my father that he got himself hospitalised to avoid it. After that point my brother had free reign to treat me as he wished. As an adult I can see her (very immature) reasoning but as a result she chose one child over another and justified it as sibling rivalry. Over time she has rewritten history that I was the abusive one, not my brother.

I made the mistake several times of trying to sort things out with her as an adult - because she was obvs still the same even though I was no longer a child. The last time I tried the only thing she could hear was that I wished her dead instead of my father. That wasn’t the message at all. And if I thought my child was telling me that I’d sit up and listen. Instead she has been sticking the knife in wherever possible... more than 20 years on. Having read more about narcissism, I realise I wanted to sort things out and she was terrified and just wanted to put me back in the box.

I cannot blame her for everything in my childhood. I now see my father, who died when I was mid teens was very very selfish. It took me a very long time to see it because he and his mother, the latter of whom I rarely saw were the only two people to show me any love. As a workaholic I also saw very little of him and used to get up very very early to see him in the morning.

One thing I can blame her for though is never, ever, not once comforting me after my father died. I was still a child albeit an older one and right in the middle of my ‘O’ levels.

This thread has brought back so many sad memories of my own teenage years. Mum never ever bought sanitary towels for me I used to steal them from friends houses or buy them out of money from my several part time jobs often I'd make do with loo roll. I remember having one uniform and glueing my school shoes together to mend the sole. It was horrible and I think I've just buried it down all these years. They had the money to buy us things just didn't. I can't imagine ever doing that to my children. Never gave money for going out or treats I had to buy everything I wanted myself. Clothes, bus fare, days out. I can't remember a single time my mum ever offering to pay for a cinema trip or something.

That’s the thing littledragon people say that the label ‘narcissist’ is way overused. Sounds like your mum fits the description, and I think mine does too. My dad I am absolutely certain had BPD and people say that is used without basis a lot. Maybe these terms are overused, but what else explains the way everyone on this thread (for the most part), were treated? What kind of person knows their child has periods, but just doesn’t buy them towels. In the case of my mum, will buy designer clothes for their kid, buys them shit from Harrods - but not deodorant? I remember my mum not turning up to the end of year school play in which I was the lead, and very excited about. School was two mins from my house, but my mum never did come to watch the play. I walked myself home after school, and my mum was sitting by the table smoking, wearing a beautiful silk dress with a full face of make up on, she looked absolutely beautiful. I can still remember that image of her, silk, red lip, clouds of smoke. I said the play had been good, and that my teacher had praised me, she said something like “right...great!”, and then proceeded to tell me about her long lunch with her friend and that they’d spent the afternoon sunbathing in the garden because they didn’t want to waste the weather. I was absolutely stunned. That was in year 6 and honestly I think that was the moment I knew what I was dealing with. My expectations were moved down to zero, and I sorted myself out from then on.

I remember my mum telling when I was 14, out of the blue, that she felt now I was 14 she was done being a parent and was going to spend her time focusing on herself and what she wanted.

I remember I didn't eat a lot because she didn't get food in for me, it got better when I was in college because I got EMA and could afford to feed myself. But worst was the emotional impact, every weekend when mum went off to her boyfriends and left me home alone. I knew I didn't matter as much as him. Every time I had to comfort her over her latest break up, I knew she wouldn't do the same for me. Our relationship never recovered, but she doesn't seem to notice.

Yes same. I never had a meal cooked for me after I turned about 13 either. She would put microwave meals in the freezer or I'd make myself egg sandwiches/toast/noodles/tinned food. I was always a bit confused and jealous when friends parents would have parents ringing them asking what time they would be in for dinner. I never had to ask permission to go to parties or friends houses. No-one ever checked where I was. No-one ever asked if I had any homework or anything to do with school. I could invite whoever I wanted round without asking though. Often I stayed out all night and noone questioned it. I wasn't bought sanitary wear either after my first period and didn't really get pocket money so that was tricky. All clothes I bought our of birthday and Christmas money, which wasn't a huge amount.

I should add my mum was older comparatively than most of my friends parents, she left school at 14, so I think it's just a case of her not realising it is the done thing to parent teens!

I remember after my degree getting the first shit job I could rather than all the my friends who took their time to get something related to their degree.

Once my mother had died, I don't remember ever going to the doctor's. I remember a friend whose parents took her to the doctor about her spots...I wouldn't have even been able to ask for help, let alone be given it.

I was quite badly parentified (I think this is the term, seen as a parent to them) by both my parents. When I left as soon as possible for university (at 17) by best friends mother said I has 'run away' from my responsibilities. My mum ended up in a psychiatric hospital soon after, and my dad tied to get me to come back and look after her. I stayed at the university. At the same time my dad wanted me to support him in his relationship with another woman, and asked me to pay towards my grandmother's (his mother) funeral. It really affected me, I worked throughout my course for the university kitchens, feeding the other students and kind o burnt out in my final year. Luckily the university allowed me to take extra time over the final year and I for there in the end. I would say the main feeling I remember is like falling, a feeling that no-one is there to catch you, along with high expectations of support you are expected to give...wanting to run far, far away. and also to know you can't trust other adults, such as the friends mother, to support or understand. I still do not trust others much today, and am very wary of friendships etc or getting too involved with others, who might want you to sort out their stuff as well.

Excuse typos.

What is so surprising through this thread, is that in many cases these bizarre excuses for parenting have been completely obliterated- I thought my case was unusual but it would seem not.

Now I believe my DM did the best she could but was undoubtedly struggling with her MH, as well as being in an unhappy and abusive marriage. Her default is to pretend things are not happening (or never happened) Her version of my childhood and hers are staggeringly different.

The other common theme seems to be that there are a lot of excellent grandparents now. I see that DM is free from her marriage, is now comfortably off rather than scratching round for pennies and is retired so has more time on her hands so her circumstances are vastly different, but from the day DS was born he can literally do no wrong. I wonder whether it's her way of making amends for things, while still never actually admitting there was ever a problem?

I can totally understand not wanting to face up to your flaws! We are all guilty of that to some extent.
Especially if you have MH issues that might magnify your guilty feelings hugely.
Very frustrating for everyone else though.

My brother suggested to my mum she might want to apologise to me for some of the stuff she did, but she got very angry apparently.

and also tries to be the nice Granny etc. It all seems pretty fake now though

In my case my mother is an awful grandmother to my children and much warmer and more involved with my sister's children (golden child). It really hurts. She is horrible to my daughter who she sees as an extension of me I think.

Gosh so many more stories of abuse. . You are all so strong. There are many more children of abuse and / or neglect, who buckled under the pressure of what you went through or have gone on to replicate the same.

Moonstone
My mother tried that with my dd and it was nipped in the bud very quickly. As I said upthread she’s not malicious as such (although she does like to stick the knife in every now and then with me due to the narcissistic injury she suffered from me over 20 years ago ). She is just totally unaware and has a massive bias toward her golden child son.

This thread is so sad. I hope all of you can find happiness now

Reading this thread made me cry. My parents were around but were never there emotionally and I feel like everything I've gone through I've had to do alone. I was brought up to not ask for anything.

When I was 13 a girl told me that I actually smelt, my mother didn't think to buy me deodorant. I used to steal sanitary towels from my aunt if I visited or just use tissues. All my clothes were mainly hand me downs. The first time I was actually bought some was when my aunt went shopping when I started university.

There's never been the advice about anything.Which colleges to apply for, love, when I was self harming at 14 and being bullied it was just ignore it. Yeah that magically worked. I don't remember my father hugging me, or have a single memory of him reading or playing with me. I did my homework alone.everything alone.

Mine has tried sending gifts to the DC and dad wrote to them all about how wonderful my mum is. Hmm. (I managed to get this first and they haven't seen it). She will send messages with my niece also, all very strange. But seems to think is a perfect 'Granny'

Oh gosh, this rings so many bells. We were provided in the material sense but yes, parenting pretty much stopped for us as older kids/teens - Mum went back to work full time when I was 11 and my brother 10 and Dad worked shifts, there was never any kind of child care after school or in the holidays. They needed the money, I know but I also know that in the same position i’d be trying to cram parenting into the weekends - if that makes sense. We were loved but all just sort of coexisted. I went to a school reunion recently and talking to okd friends I realised that they all knew and so did their parents. Therapy has helped with this and many other issues related to my parents (who I know are ultimately loving but flawed people from difficult families themselves).

It’s so weird that so many of us had similar experiences. My mum provided for me in financial terms, and took a very keen interest in my education, which she understood because she was a teacher.
in terms of practical caring, and emotional support and guidance, from when I was a teenager there was none. She was hugely reluctant to call the doctor after she was summoned to collect me from school because I had appendicitis. Even when the doctor came, and said I needed to go to hospital, Mum said oh let’s see how she is tomorrow. The doctor had to glare and threaten to call an ambulance before she took it seriously. My bedroom got infested with beetles, to the point I was a quivering wreck because I was so freaked out by them crawling over me at night. Her only reaction, months after I told her about them, was to be mildly surprised that I hadn’t sorted them out, because “you’re so clever usually”. The things I remember her telling me about sex and relationships:

• Some women sell their bodies and that is bad. I was actually quite young when she told me that and I spent years occasionally returning to it and wondering how you could sell your leg without chopping it off and how that would work.
• When I was about 13/14 she told me she never wanted to know about my boyfriends or anything silly like that.

She didn’t tell me anything about consent, or boundaries, or abuse, or self respect. She didn’t even do it in an old fashioned, “nice girls don’t do that” way. She just never, ever said anything. Her view was entirely that intelligent people worked that kind of thing out for themselves. This isn’t the case, not without making some very painful and dangerous mistakes along the way.

Oh yes Doobigetta - not one word EVER about sex and relationships! I find that so strange now, as an older teen I assumes it was because they were Catholic and just didn’t want to talk about sex. I had some pretty appalling, exploitative relationships and was very promiscuous. This wasn’t the only reason but their parenting (lack of) had a lot to do with it.

We also didn't discuss The Sex thank god
I was furnished with a book about periods, DM sort of sidled it across to me as if she was passing an illicit substance, and muttered to my left shoulder, "if you need to know anything just, erm...ask"
We were both devoutly thankful the book was very informative

I wonder if postnatal depression is a factor in some of these stories? It would make sense in some regards.

I suspect menopause/peri-menopause might be more of a factor. I find it hard to believe that PND is responsible for a previously involved and caring parent deciding to stop bothering when their DC become teens.

My mother's sex education consisted of 'don't go into any fields with boys'. I was mystified for years as to what she was inferring.
She told me babies came out of a gateway in your leg. I begged her to let me see this gateway but she was curiously coy.