To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

Posted too soon, considering they had much more money, kids at private school, foreign hols etc

sewrainbow When I was young, a lot of parents I knew did not know anything about how you actually applied to get to university, or anything about it. Most people had no access to the internet then. So for most poorer kids, they needed the school to tell them. If the teachers didn't do this, then the teenagers literally knew nothing about it.
When I was young my school did tell me that you had to apply through filling out this form and gave it to me. But it wasn't until I got and read it that I realised the deadline to apply to Cambridge and Oxford had already passed as at the time they had their own separate application system.

I think it is easy to forget before the internet, how hard information was to come by.

Didn't realise there were so many of us out there 😔

A lot of these things are abusive and proper neglect-refusing to buy sanitary towels, leaving children looking after other children aged 6..but again, things like riding your bike to a friends house aged 9 in the rain.. unless the friend lived down a motorway isn't that normalish? Noone I knew grew up being given lifts places. I took the bus to dance class after school age 9 etc.
As for help and support with gcses/career decisions, well I strongly get the feeling that I can nag support dc with all that til I'm blue in the face but ultimately they will do what they want.
I suppose what I'm saying is that there is a big difference between expecting more independence by 14 and maliciously refusing food/san pro etc.
Interesting about the age of most of our parents. I think a lot of them were Baby Boomers? Mine were both loved and cared for as children but expectations were quite narrow. I get the sense that my parents, and their friends, were quite self absorbed, and in our case thought (often misguidedly) that they were giving us freedom. Certainly I was pretty free to come and go where I liked but some of the more neglectful aspects (I wasn't abused it was more benign) have left me never quite feeling safe. Anxious I guess.
Perhaps we will try to support and second guess everything our kids need though and make them incapable of making their own decisions?. The pendulum seems to swing back and forth with these kind of things.

I too had similar and reading this post and thread is very sad. I remember being about 14/15 and my mother switching off to me with the words "you don't pay rent and until you do that's it". I will still at school and the weird thing is she would never let me get a paper round or a job up until that point.
This came about after me questioning and querying the lack of care and input that had been happening. No food for dinner, refusing to do my washing (but doing everyone else's), favouring siblings. I reckon for her own reasons, some very misguided, she just switched off to me. It caused me chaos in my late teens / early 20s and I did think I was almost free of its impact. But sadly, I realIse I'm not. When people are unkind to me I'm too forgiving and understanding, I have very poor boundaries and I think it all stems from this. I have difficulty understanding how I should be treated as I spend my time trying to understand and forgive others the way I use to do with my parents. Instead of saying, no this is not acceptable, regardless of the reasons why you do it.
It made me a very resilient person and in many ways made me very determined and empathetic to people. But also, life could have been so much easier for me.
You all have my best wishes with this....

Jesus. This is so upsetting. My mother was a nightmare, born 1929, who hated her life. Pouring her catholic guilt over me (not her sons), having a complete meltdown when I started my period. Beating shit out of me since before I could remember until one day at 14 I hit her back.

I started work at 11 with a paper round to a terrifying industrial estate, then weekend work from 13 and still had to steal so I had basic things for school. Grammar school uniform caused the biggest row in history and was only bought once, when I started, about 10 sizes too big so I would grow into it. But no chance of university - too poor - so pulled out of school at 16 to work full time. I left home less than a year later.

Of course, this is all just the tip of the hideous iceberg. It destroyed me and I understand the other posters sharing thoughts about emotional detachment - it's like a form of self-preservation.

I have tried to be the antithesis of my mother in the raising of my own children. She is in her nineties now, has always been in complete denial about her abusive behaviour, and I will be nothing but relieved when she is dead.

Love and solidarity to all of you, to all of us, who have been through this.

Yy JennyManara information was definitely harder to access-or even know what to look for or how to ask. It's easy to forget this with everything being so searchable now but lots of careers etc were very closed shops. I went into a job after college where it was all word of mouth who you knew and showing up every day until someone hired you. . There was no help or access through college, work placements barely existed, lots of careers were not even heard of in most places. Kids now have all the info packaged up and handed to them. I don't think a parent in the 80s who hadn't been through the university system would have a clue about UCAS etc. That was down to school.

I'm an really sorry, not had time to read all , but some older parents, may remember when they were fourteen. Many went out to work then? Not sticking up for any abuse, but it may be a consideration , my mum married at sixteen.

My heart aches for you all. Your parents let you down badly.
I hope you have all found peace and security in later life

Not trying to excuse any of the neglectful Mothers out there but I wonder if some of this was MH related. My Mum was very caring and very loving but a bit useless - I think she very quietly struggled with MH issues a lot when we were teens. I didn’t notice at the time but looking back it seems obvious.

I also wonder if some of these useless Mums had drug or alcohol problems.

My mum was born in 1050s and herself a late mistake. She seemed to have a lot of shame from that which she tried to give to me.

Had a plastic carrier bag for a school bag, no clothes except some which were passed on in a bag from a cousin (remember having the one top- a strange velour thing for a while). Got a job from 13 / 14 to buy things. Shamed when asked about periods. Blamed for acne. School helped apply for university with et UCAS form. Mum was bitter about me going and said it would cost too much. (luckily in those days got a grant so went anyway) Even when I started they begrudgingly took me. Interesting others had the same as always felt it was just me.

1950s!

My parents were generous in some ways but were hard up and they didn't buy me any clothes from the age of about 13 onwards. I had odd jobs (washing cars etc) from that point on to pay for stuff.

I hated it. I never had enough money to buy anything decent so it either came from charity shops or I wore a lot of cast offs. I went to quite a "nice" girls' school where people had nice clothes (designer jeans etc) and I felt the odd one out the whole time. Everyone used to exchange Christmas presents and one year I couldn't afford anything so I regifted things that I'd been given for my birthday - one of my so-called friends spread it around that I'd done this and I was ostracised from the group. Petty teenage stuff but it was hard at the time.

As an adult I am obsessed with dressing in smart, new clothes and giving generous presents. This caused me a few issues in my twenties when my spending outstripped my earnings, but I've started to understand myself better recently and have got a bit more of a handle on it now.

I pretty much never asked my parents for anything because on the rare occasions I did it was refused as they couldn't afford it and I didn't want to keep asking.

I have a baby DD now and in the future I am determined to take her clothes shopping on a regular basis and help her buy little presents for her friends!

Also, mine has not a young mum, had me in her 30s, and was a qualified teacher. I think had depression though

Out of interest I see people talk about emotional detachment and resilience. How do you all feel it affected you now? I felt through a long time of having very low confidence and being a people pleaser. Then got angry. Think have not reached a place of taking no shit. Which also came with having children. I am NC with my mum now which helps a bit.

Now I'm reading the full thread I can see that I had it really lucky! I am so sorry that so many people have been through such a tough time

I can relate to so much of this... In fact I think I blocked most of it out but reading some of these has reminded me... My mum never encouraged me in school, never spoke to me about periods I just had to sort it myself, I can't remember her ever telling me she loved me. My memories of 13-17 are just sad, spent a lot of time in my bedroom, barely saw her in fact as we lived in a pub and she worked lunch service had a nap then evening. We were expected to waitress for free at age 14/15/16. I had zero emotional support and even now I find it hard building relationships with women. I got myself an apprenticeship at 16 and have never asked her for a penny since then, I would rather die than ask for a single thing as when I was young if I ever did ask it was used against me. This has made me fiercely OTT about having enough money, I get really weird about spending money on things and I earn enough now to never have to rely on anyone not even my OH. I am due my first baby in a few weeks and it breaks my heart worrying that I will end up like her. That I won't be able to provide the emotional support and open love a child needs. I am terrified. Its almost like I see it as a weakness because I was so angry at her my whole teenagerhood and have been hell bent on proving to anyone and everyone I don't need anybody but myself. I hope I can provide my son with the love and support he needs.

Sorry to all of you who have had such a hard time.

It seems that there are lots of other threads on mumsnet where the children have been waited on hand and foot and are unprepared for adulthood in a different way.

What I take from this is that it is important to think really carefully about parenting teens.

You need to foster independence but not leave them feeling neglected.

So something like, they need to remember to pack their pe kit, but you do actually need to buy it for them in the first place.

They need to remember to do their homework. But you need to go to parents evening and take an interest and pull them up on it if the homework isn't getting done properly.

Or something. I am sure we are all going to make mistakes but the important thing is to care and also to be reflective.

My Mum & Dad buggered off to the Malta for 2 weeks whe i was 14 and never thought anything of it. At the age of 12 i was travelling around Britain on my own,i looked after my 3 young nephews (9months 2 and 4) for the weekend, it was just normal but my parents still parented. I had a fantastic life and never got into any trouble and i dont feel like i didnt have a childhood in fact i am glad that i was allowed such freedom and really glad my Mum had that holiday as it was her last ever one before she died

It definitely still affects me as an adult. I find it very difficult to ask for help from anyone...it genuinely doesn't occur to me that if I have a problem, I could tell someone or ask for help. I was baffled when I first saw my sil helping her teenage dc with advice and support for any problems they had....it seemed really alien to me. I am constantly telling my own DC that they can always come to me with any problems and they can tell me anything...I'd hate for them to feel alone.

@user87382294757 I “know” I can’t rely on anyone but me and don’t even know where to begin with receiving love or help. I’m 35 and have only had one relationship with an emotionally abusive man who was cruel to me and made it clear I could not rely on him for ever. I look at my peers and see they’ve managed to marry and have kids but I am just on my own. I can give love and support in buckets but constantly put myself in situations where I am ignored, rejected or abused in some way. I am poor at self care and struggle with depression long term.

I have had counselling and been told that I am a co-dependent. It’s definitely got its roots in childhood. The messages I got throughout were that I wasn’t allowed to have any needs and that everyone else had to come first.

I am so sorry so many of you had such a difficult time. I was born in 1944. By the time I was 11 my dad was in a wheelchair (MS) and mum had two jobs. She worked in a clothing factory canteen and weekends on a market stall.
Thanks to her and my lovely grandparents I never went without anything at all. When I was 14 my grandparents set mum up with a market stall of her own. They bought her a second hand car and she did several different markets. She sold clothing...

Sad reading.

OP there are many threads on this on MN: 'but I took you to stately homes'.

I'm sorry but it's not just the 1930s or 1940s or 1950s or any other decade. If that was the case, all of our contemporaries would have had similar upbringings. They didn't. They had parents who were warm, supportive, interested in their children's educations and interests - regardless of how much money there was, or wasn't, in the house.

There wasn't a lack of money in our house. Just a lack of parental love. I was physically neglected and emotionally abused by my mother while my weak enabling father stood by and made excuses for her. She was selective though - the only way I can explain to anyone lucky enough to have a decent childhood is that my mother has four children but only room in her heart for two.

I'm sorry, so so sorry, for all of your experiences. We deserved better. 💐

I decided at the age of about 12 never to have children of my own because I didn't want any child of mine to have the lonely and miserable life I'd had. So conditioned was I that it never occurred to me that it was neither normal nor inevitable. That's why I take my hat off to those of you who are now parents and determined to make sure your children feel loved and safe and secure - regardless of how much money is in the house.

OP - was your mum jealous of you?

Your youth, your future, your potential? Versus perhaps what she never had and where she was in her life?

But I'm not understanding how you can say in the next breath that she did and does love you. She had eyes, she knew it wasn't right.