To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

@Isthebigwomanhere . I'm glad you got out but the damage must have been profound.

Bummy I felt so embarrassed because even at 12 I knew I should have been accompanied! Imagine me knowing better than an adult!

I remember my Dad looking after me when I was smaller if I was sick. He'd minister to me....but I don't remember my Mum doing it.

Bummy tonsillitis is agony! Poor you...

I'd like to know the ages of the people who were also neglected. I'm wondering if it's to do with our Mums being born in the 50s...mine was...and her own Mum had had a hard time in the war I think. Could it be related?

Wowsa.
I was benignly neglected if that makes sense.
Living in a house with dsis from 13 and no adult supervision
Pre prepared ready cooked re heatable meals covered in clingfilm in the fridge.
Which led to buying and hoarding food and binging
Dmum emigrated when I was 17

My mum stopped at around 12. I recall the one time she gave me some clothes and they had been given to her by one of her friends. I was a scrawny 12 year old wearing a grown woman's size 12 jeans. I remember folding them over themselves across my tummy and securing them with a plastic belt. Even my knickers came from the same 2nd hand bundle. Luckily they were grown up, sexy style ones with string sides. I just tied a knot in the sides.
It really hurts 25 years later to think she didn't care enough to buy DSis and I clothes unless it was a jumper or some jeans at Christmas. She had money too.
I came home from school one day and the sole of my shoe had fallen off. She told me "Oh just glue it back on then!" I told her we had no glue and she actually suggested sellotape!!!!! They were my friends old shoes to begin with too.

She still made dinners and drove us to work (we got jobs at 11) but the dinners weren't daily. If she wasn't hungry then she didn't bother.

I will never do that to my children.

@HennyPennyHorror my mum was born in the 50's

Same here.

I had one pair of jeans and a couple of jumpers. I wore them till they wore out and then for a while after that. Trainers were £5 velour things which were worn till the soles came off.

I chose my options myself it was never even discussed. They never checked on revision, didn't know when my exams were.

I was handed a pack of sanitary towels when I started my period - got a mini lecture on how I was a woman now and then it was never mentioned again.

Toiletries and deodorant I was expected to buy myself.

I got a paper round at age 13 and was never given pocket money again.

Had to bike to school each day down an A Road as they wouldn't pay for bus fares, rural school, miles from anywhere.

I also turned into their verbal punch bag when I turned 14, was like they couldn't stand the sight of me. Always something to moan at me or criticise me for.

I was an emotionally and mentally stunted wreck till I was well into my thirties.

My mum was born in 1961

It’s really soothing to read that it wasn’t just us going through this

I swear this is where my loneliness began

My mum was working full time aged 13. And very much seen as an adult and breadwinner........if she was alive now she'd be 76.

It could just be an older person thing, I myself was seen as an adult and given greater responsibility than modern kids at a very young age. Clothes etc in my teens were bought as gifts.

I also know how you feel op. My parents had a lousy marriage frankly, and I was caught in the middle with only my maternal grandfather to really make time for me, unfortunately he died when I was 13, and my heart was broken. Any confidence was gone after he died, and I completely underachieved in my life until my 20s when the combination of getting a job I loved and was good at, and getting my own flat give me the chance to get away from their bitterness.

Don’t get me wrong , I know they did love me, and I loved them,just not as much as I dearly loved my grandfather. but they were both only children and my dad in particular was self-centred, but oh how I miss him as he died 2 years ago now.
I make very sure my DS is boosted and encouraged everyday , and provided for in all the ways I missed out on.

Financially they provided well for me but my parents weren’t really there for me emotionally or anything from 12.5. They both worked nights and so I was left alone fairly regularly overnight and had to cook for myself and them. I was ill longterm, missed school for over a year and had to fend for myself which was very difficult as I was so poorly. I didn’t have anyone to talk to or that I could turn to for emotional support and I went years and years without hugs. I remember my friend getting upset when she lost her virginity and saying it would be ok cos she’d tell her mum and she’d make her a cup of tea, give her a big bar of chocolate and a hug and they’d have a good laugh about it and that sounded so alien to me. I realised I’d have no one to tell.

I feel sad for you OP . Your mum should’ve known you had holes in your shoes and done something about it . Also your school should’ve noticed what was happening and helped you more .

OP - I have a friend whose Mum did the same. It stood out to me and to this day I always wonder if she reflects back and sees how sad it was. By 14 and definitely by 16 she was on her own - no lifts, she had to buy everything herself except family meals, next to no emotional support. She had to pay her Mum for her sanitary products!!! The only thing I can think of is her Mum married very young (17 and pregnant, married a 25 year old widow who got her pregnant) and part of me wondered if her Mum resented the fact her daughter got an adolescence? My friend was bright, beautiful and had many talents. I remember at 14 she had to walk through a forested gravel road to this massive house the family lived in with grandparents in the annexe; four perfectly fit and and adults in their 30’s and 50’s and not one would be at the school production or pick her up. It’s shocking as the Mum of a young teen that a child from such advantage could be so disadvantaged. But by time her siblings were the same age 2-6 years later it was not the same - even basic things like parents went to their school events and toured Uni’s with them. The one thing I will say is this friend lives like a young person - in a lovely way on the whole - travels, flat shares in inexpensive cities, takes random jobs, very spontaneous. Part of me wonders if having her youth robbed of her so young has made her drawn to re-living youth. At 40 most of her friends are in their early 20’s. Lovely human but not growing up in some ways. Hard to explain.

The other is a dear friend of mine who I only met through kids but whose parents divorced and Mum left her to live in America at 14. Never ‘mothered’ her again, not emotionally nor physically. When her eldest hit 13 she went to therapy about it, it brought up so many feelings of how her Mum could do that, how much of a child still a very young teen is, how they need their Mum.

I wonder if teenage years are a massive trigger for mothers who lost theirs for some reason or another and that either makes them struggle to continue parenting or need to get support.

Thedilemma My school was in a very deprived area. There were kids far worse off than me. And it was the early 80s too....so things were different then.

Not so much notice was taken of kids with holes in their shoes. If I'd turned up covered in bruises, that would have been different.

This makes for painful reading because I relate to so much of it. I've had a lot of therapy and I'm very surprised that it still hurts to read this. My divorced parents treated me as an adult from 13 and it did me immeasurable damage. They were good people too, and I know they loved me and didn't realise until afterwards when my sibling and I had both gone spectacularly off the rails how inappropriate it was. Not having the right stuff, worrying about the basics, preparing my own food, left alone overnight, blind eyes turned all over the show. Made more painful by seeing my friends being taken shopping for clothes, having 3 meals a day served to them, having parents involved with school work and actually being at home instead of frolicking around with a string of partners. My heart goes out to everyone affected by this kind of neglect. One of my greatest satisfactions now comes from checking in with my 21 yr old, being there for her, and getting ready to do the same for my younger kids as they take their time getting to adulthood!

Like you I am several years younger than my siblings and feel like by the time I became a teenager my mom was sort of 'done' with parenting. She was involved in something admirable and time-consuming during my teen years and I always respected the thing she accomplished but looking back as an adult I realise I probably could have done with a bit more of her attention, supervision and guidance. I don't specifically remember feeling my material needs weren't met but I had a part- time job and bought my own stuff anyway and also I think I spent A LOT of time at the home of a friend with more present parents.

I so emphasise with this. As teenagers we cooked five nights or more out of 7. My dmum now is charming and great with her adult gchildren but when we were young there was no heating, ever, I did my homework wearing fingerless gloves, and we had permanent period poverty. She would buy maybe one pack of sanitary towels for me every 6 months. I think that is the bit that really I find hard to come to terms with. I don’t have girls but it is unbelievable and unforgivable to leave young girls , with no money, without sanitary protection. It might be why I give lots of those items to our red box project and locally food bank.

Penelope yes...I had no lifts either. I pushed myself to join a drama club and it was 6 miles away. I got buses and eventually other parents used to drive me. Thank goodness for them!

I remember working to pay the fees for a two week residential drama course when I was 16. If my child wanted to do that, I'd be thrilled and pay it for her!

It's shit but there it is. She married young too...she was 16 when she had my oldest sibling. Perhaps her Mum had neglected her....and so when I hit the age she was about to start a family, she saw me as an adult.

Yeah that’s a good point, I’m 35, siblings are decades older and I was an unwanted late mistake when my Mum was almost 40. I was the only kid in the house so perhaps easier to turn a blind eye to.

Yes, from about 14. Then every so often she’d pop in to massively judge me/belittle everything I did/make me feel awful despite giving no shits about it anyway. She didn’t know how many GCSEs I was doing, wouldn’t give consent for school trips, not even ask how school was (she wasn’t in anyway most of the time) but she’d go crazy at me for not getting the right grades. The night of my A level exams she put washing up in my bed.

My Dad had passed away so if not for my grandparents I’d probably have turned completely feral. My friends are actually amazed at how well I’ve done considering I basically raised myself. I remember staying over at a friends house for something like 3 days and my mum only phoned me on day 3 because she wanted her hair brush back.

Eleanor I was known as a mistake too. BIG gap between my siblings and I.

Yes. I used to have to iron all my own uniform from year 6. May not sound bad to some but it was as if my mum just stopped doing anything for me, perhaps this is why I have always been so independent. My parents didn't give me any support with school work. I had no clothes so mufti days were hell and I would have to wear some of my mums old clothes. I got a Saturday job at 15 and would buy things like school shoes. I started to relive a lot of my childhood memories last year causing anxiety. It was just before my eldest child was about to start secondary school, think it was some kind of trigger that suddenly made me remember awful things.

God this is making me think back now. I remember a cab driver literally rolling her on to the pavement outside our house because she had been sick in his car, ringing our bell and seeing it was just too teenage kids home alone, and walking off because he knew he wouldn’t be able to get his £50 cleaning fee off us. Me and my brother carried my mum to bed.

She doesn’t remember any of this.