To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

I have a very clear memory of Mum buying me a coat at about 15 and I was so so happy. I also remember looking at another girl on the school bus one winter...it was snowing heavily and she was putting on her gloves before her stop. And I thought "Oh...why don't I have any gloves?"

My son is 17. Since about 12, he was expected to tell me what he needed. I no longer went through and sorted out his clothes, and bought the next season's clothes, as it just wasn't required any longer. He knows he just needs to ask. It may take me a few weeks to do it - so he knows that sometimes he has to wait. But he knows he just needs to let me know and I will either buy it, or give him money to buy things if he prefers.

Did you ask? Did your mum know?

Not as much as what you describe, but I feel like my parents sort of stopped checking on me as much. And I was not the type of girl to actively ask for things, for fear of it being too much trouble. I missed out in quite a few things because of this, like end of high school dance, certain trips or days out. I don't blame anyone else for it though, it's just my nature.

It sounds like it was probably related to your own mother’s experience as a child. Maybe she thought that’s just the normal thing to do... of course that doesn’t make it any better.

I am always surprised when I read threads on mumsnet where some people suggest that from 16 years onwards people are an adult and should provide for themselves. I always assume that’s based on their own experiences and find that a bit sad.

Dream I did ask at first but she didn't get the things I needed.

Malfoy I was the same...I didn't want to ask too much incase it was too much. I remember my friend's parents parenting them more...and noticing that.

I'm acutely aware that DD at 14 is still very much in need of checking on regularly.

Notcontent I know! 14 is still very young and while they're capable of all kinds of things, self-care isn't always one of them. My DD will tell me "I need new socks" or "Moisturiser" or whatever it is....but nobody BOUGHT me those things so I just stopped asking.

I had the same gym skirt from 11 to 16 ffs. I had no advice about college or what to do to find work. I managed but I was a bit emotionally crippled until my early 20s.

Yep.

My mum took up with a 21 year old guy when I was 14. I was mortified/horrified/embarrassed, which was only compounded by her desire to discuss their sex life with me as she saw us more as friends than mother-daughter (we were only child and single mum). After they broke up, she became increasingly arthritic, so I was effectively her carer from mid-teens, on the backdrop of this really uncomfortable affair she’d had which she naturally continued to refer to over years.

It fucked up our relationship completely - bizarre combination of us being intensely close with me being revulsed by her at times, which never really went away. And then she died suddenly a couple of years ago never quite understanding why our relationship was so odd.

It fucked me up. I’ve had quite a lot of therapy with a lot of revelations but no real resolutions apart from never, ever wanting to do the same thing to my kids.

I completely understand OP

I wish my mum had helped me emotionally, I suffered quite badly from the total lack of adult help all because I didn’t want to add to the bubbling pot of stress

I always wanted to feel like it was enough just to exist for my mum to provide and not have to fight for bare necessities

Dream and another point...of course she must have known! She'd not bought me clothes for a LONG time...where did she imagine I would get some from? I did start buying my own at about 15 when I got a nice little job on Sundays but it was only enough for say one item a week. Eventually I was able to get full time work at 17 and bought a lot of clothes immediately.

mummmmooo Exactly. Struggling for the basics was awful.

This is very sad. You were absolutely entitled to expect your parents to continue to provide for you.

My DD1 has just turned 18. She is in full time education and cannot not work as she is recovering from a serious illness. I still provide for all her needs. And am glad to.

DD2 is nearly 15. I cannot imagine not regularly checking she had what she needs. She is very stoical and would not necessarily ask or make a fuss. It’s my job to check.

DS is only 7, so it hasn’t really arisen yet with him. But I was 44 when I had him and have ensured I have decent life insurance till he is 21 so as to provide properly for him in the event of my early death.

The idea that childhood needs stop at 14 is very odd. Would it help to discuss this with your DM?

I had this too... went to 6th form (own clothes) with hardly any clothes. At 16, I had a Saturday job and was told to buy my own school lunches, well once they were paid for I had no money to do anything else.

If I did get bought anything (rare) it was so frumpy I was embarrassed to wear it. I have a very clear memory being in a department store aged 15 wearing a kilt and an anorak looking like a dork, seeing in the mirror I was a dork and decided not to look in any mirrors ever again. which I didn't, for years.

I wonder if my mum was in her way ensuring I had no money to be any trouble to her?

I had to do the family food shop and used to buy my sanitary products by sneaking them into the trolley, thank god there weren't itemised receipts in those days.

Yes, can totally relate to this. I was the eldest, so there were younger siblings that my mum seemed to know how to parent but she didn't seem to know what we needed when we got that bit older. I think it was mainly to do with the fact that she had had a difficult relationship with her own parents, and Dad was the bread winner and expected Mum to do most of the parenting. I never asked for much, nor expected anything. In hindsight I think my mother in particular felt unable to relate to me when my life moved in ways she had not experienced, eg 6th Form, Uni. She did see that I got a Saturday job and I just managed after that.

My terrible memories are smattered with happy ones. She is and was a kind person in many ways but not demonstrative. I know she'd feel terrible if I brought it up and she's ill now which is I suppose why all this is rearing it's head.

I think I just need to forget about it and be happy that I'm not carrying on the habit with my own kids.

Gosh it seems surprisingly common! There's quite a few people with the same experience.

Having your own kids really puts it into perspective. My childhood has 'good' absolutely no issues, BUT my parents (and my DH's to a greater degree) just kind of let it slide past the early teens.

No neglect or meanness, but it's as if they thought that there only obligation was to feed and clothe you (a coat when needed & school uniform / shoes only, the rest was down to me) and provide a home and that was it, job done.

Now with our kids, we are both very aware that we help them / intend to help them with a lot more. Not monetary, but more emotional support and really importantly guidance. My DH and I both feel that we were left to find our way in the world on our own, and both have underachieved massively because our parents didn't bother to pass on their knowledge and tips of what is worthwhile and what isn't. E.g. DH went into the same dead-end job his DF had, even though DFIL hated it, knew is was rubbish and in an awful industry. The thought of us being ok with one of our DC doing that is just beyond me.

Mine was the same, I had to work to buy clothes, toiletries, anything I needed. And she was very bitter that I stayed on for sixth form

My mum and stepdad sent me to live with my dad when I was about 12/13, for a year and a half. He was never home (working), I had a kind of babysitter but she was a stranger so I didn't really talk to her.

I remember feeling kind of lonely and neglected, when I look at my kids now, I can't imagine sending them away age 13. When I went back to live with my mum age 14 she didn't seem to pay much attention to what I was doing. I remember going out until all times of night (I started going to a nightclub age 14) and I didn't do any revision for my GCSEs and she just never said anything about any of it. My eldest is doing his GCSE's now and I can't imagine not checking he's revised, making sure he's ok, supporting him through them.

I can't really remember the money side, I started working weekends / evenings around age 14 so had my own money anyway. But I am a bit horrified when I realise how my mum kind of abandoned me and stopped bothering with parenting! Worst moment was starting my first period on my own at my dad's with nobody home and not knowing what to do about it. I remember phoning a friend's mum and feeling stupid as she wasn't much help.

I totally empathise OP.

I knew my mum was struggling on many levels too and didn't want to make her angry by asking for stuff. The school nurse recommended a spot cream as I had dreadful spotty skin. I plucked up the courage to ask my mum to buy it. I came home from school every evening for weeks hoping to see this box with the spot cream. It never appeared. Eventually, I plucked up the courage and bought it myself. It was revolutionary at the time as it was the first acne treatment with Benzyl Peroxide. It worked.

I too was emotionally crippled. Not sure I've ever got my head round it.

Bummy God....it's so sad! I've just remembered taking myself off to the doctor's for a similar issue...alone aged 12! The doctor actually wrote me a prescription and said "Tell your Mother to come with you next time" Can you imagine!

From the age of 11 I never went to school because no san pro was provided.
I had no clothes and only one school shirt.
At 13 I got a milk round and half my wage was taken of me to pay for food.
At 16 I had to get a job.
Further education was not optional.

A friends mum helped me get out of there.
I have never been back since

That is sad. I don't even believe 18 year old is a magic number and I would treat my kids any differently - I have to say my parents never did.

Maybe your mum thought she was doing the right thing and teaching you independence to make you ready for life.

I clearly remember going to school in the pouring rain in my too small white school shirt without a coat and shoes that I’d super glued the bottoms together which let in rain like I was wearing flip flops. Parents never even batted an eyelid

Other girls at school did though. Cruel.

gaelicgirl I know what you mean about that lack of support and guidance. My dad was quite a sorted out guy (decent job, own house, pensions etc) but never once thought to tell me anything about managing finances or trying to buy a house. He just watched me pee my money away for years and years and years on rent and didn't ever mention buying a house being a good idea, or mention the idea of saving or getting a pension. I thought those were things that 'proper grown ups who weren't me' did!

I was so envious and kind of angry when I met people later in life who had always known to put away some savings, start a pension, save for a house deposit etc. I literally had no clue.

OP!! You were very brave to go the the GP on your own, but it must have also been very scary.

My mum never took me to the doctor. I was semi-asthmatic (I didn't know at the time, I just knew I wheezed when I got a cold and all through the winter). I never had an inhaler.

When I had my children I was shocked to see there was such a thing as Calpol, I'd never had it, even after recurrent childhood tonsillitis.

Suffice to say, after being a sickly child I now have the constitution of an ox.