To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

I think that for some parents its a case of thinking that they brought you into the world and you should be grateful whereas good parents realise that they chose to have children and the children didn't ask to be born so we owe them our care and attention, even if money is tight or life is hard, we do our best.
I hope attitudes are changing but I know plenty of some parents still treat their children as an afterthought or a way to create drama...

For me the whole periods/ bras thing was a source of disgust or shame to my mum. I had my first period aged 12 and was told “don’t tell your Dad “ and “ don’t tell your ( younger )sister”. I accept that my mum ( born 1929) had a relatively hard life but they prospered in the 60s and 70s and neglect of my sister and me was absolutely not from poverty but I think from cruelty. Looking back I was such a misfit and probably smelly too. I was badly bullied at school which I think some teachers knew but we moved so often( 7 schools) that nothing was ever done.

In the past it was expected that you got married and had kids. So lots of people did not choose to have kids, they just did it without much thought.
I can see the impact of that in my own family with one Aunt and Uncle who pretty much ignored their kids. Although thankfully they lived next to other female relatives who basically brought up their kids.

I alos had the 'shame' thing with periods / bras etc, and also had to keep my hair cut short like a boy. Bit strange. Which resulted in me as an older teen growing it as long as possible!

It's shocking so many went without sanitary products, my DM was definitely emotionally neglectful as a teen but materially I never went without always had the latest shoes and fashionable coat etc if I wanted but dad is well off so think he helped. Even my friends who were sisters and had a horrible useless mum who was also poor and barely had and stuff had sanitary stuff and basic cheap make up. It's so sad some posters didn't even have fitting shoes.

I knew from about 14/15 I was expected to move out and get a council flat at 16 instead I ended up in a young people's hostel and was raped on Halloween whilst there. I think my mum wanted me out the way cos I hated her husband living with us he was only mid 20s and took over the bloody house and I hated it.

2eternities 💐

*barely had any stuff.

In the past it was expected that you got married and had kids. So lots of people did not choose to have kids, they just did it without much thought.

This! And there was also abundant council housing and jobs were easier to get. The concept of actual childhood is a fairly recent one in our history, which has largely been that children were seen as little adults.

I've said this before. So many people who hag children had them purely as a result of unprotected sex and so ended up thrown together with people they didn't really know or even like that much. The resulting kids hasn't been wanted or planned and for a certain kind of person I do think they could easily end up not like or caring about this child that they'd never planned anyway, that almost felt they'd had foisted upon them.

Mostly we plan our children now and it's much more acceptable to have multiple partners so you've a fighting chance of having a wanted child with someone you love. Plus society is much more child centred as a whole now and there's a big focus on protecting children and ensuring they reach their potential.

My Dad already had a wife who he left for my Mum in the end but only when I had turned three. I didn't meet him till then and I am sure this is why he didn't like me much. He missed all those early bonding years and his focus was my Mum and he didn't like her focus being on me. He worked tirelessly to undermine that and it worked. They despised me by the time I hit my teens. I was and am definitely the family scapegoat.

This thread is shocking, I had no idea such things were so prevalent. From the age of about 10 I was the poorest kid in the class and one of the poorest at school but despite huge financial constraints, was never treated like this. We were lucky as relatives helped a lot, providing food parcels at xmas and hosting us for holidays (they lived at the seaside). I had a Saturday job from 14 and provided some stuff for myself but certainly not clothes. My parents always did parents evenings, with my sick father hobbling to the school on 2 walking sticks. I went to university on a full grant and felt rich!

Sadly my brother and his wife became more "laissez faire" shall we say as their girls got to around 15; my niece had a part time job to help pay for art stuff when doing A levels and to buy her clothes - her parents no doubt spend child benefit in the pub. They both worked, although not well off. I have helped my nieces when I could.

Saddest of all to me is people saying "they loved me really". I suppose in their own way they did but they all sound like selfish children, which is how my nieces saw their own parents.

Thank singing lily xx

I wonder if there was an element of the mothers not wanting another woman in the house? Like, as soon as their daughter had these signifiers of growing up she became the enemy?

I think you're on to something Green.

I've always been close to my Dad even though he had his moments and definitely could have stepped in to stop her shit behaviour.

My Mum has always been so annoyed by it. Even as a young adult when I got my own place she'd ring him repeatedly telling him to go home after him only being here 20 minutes or so if he was passing and popped in.

We all know it's because she'll be a total bitch for the rest of the weekend if he doesn't go immediately.

I've spent more alone time with my FIL and my MIL loves that I'll go for a drink with him etc. No brows have ever been raised...

My mum is insanely insecure though.
Everyone is a threat and not to be trusted. She's very dramatic.

I never had any real nurturing or affection from my Mum. My Dad was affectionate when he was home and my Nan was but she died when I was 14 which was a great loss.

When I was 17 I was on a residential course and had a terrible cough. I remember a girl I was friends with came into my room with more pillows for me and a drink and she sort of Mothered me. And I remember the feeling of it being so new.

I feel terribly mean writing all this down because my Mum loves me I know she does. It's not her fault her childhood was bad.

Yes.
From 7/8 yo, I went to the shop, bought sandwich filling (mum gave me the money) and then made my own packed lunch for school the following day. If I didn’t organise it myself I didn’t get fed.
We were quite poor and I didn’t have much to wear so whenever I got my hands on old unwanted clothes (from grandparents etc) I used to make myself skirts - cut a rectangle, sew a side seam and elastic thread for the waist. I also remember having a pair of knee high boots with rips in the sides and covering the rips with black tape. I dread to think what I looked like.
My parents never played with or read to me as a child; never came to parents evening, school concerts etc. Were never interested in my education or what I was doing (as long as I wasn’t causing trouble). I was never told that I was loved, never hugged or cuddled, rather, tolerated.
I never felt neglected - just that my parents both worked full time and we didn’t have any money. But I do feel now that I ‘brought myself up’ and I don’t feel any emotional closeness to my mother (father deceased), rather, I now ‘tolerate’ her.
One positive thing though - my upbringing made me incredibly independent.

I wonder if their own upbringing affected them perhaps, not sure. It has definitely made me think about it more now I have children, expect others feel the same. Mine are 10 and 14 now, I can't imagine being like this with them.

Henny penny same, she had a crappy time as a kid and I know she loves me and i have mostly forgiven her for her mistakes.

I wonder if their own upbringing affected them perhaps, not sure I do wonder that too. My parents are wartime children and that must have had its scars. but my mum's sister is a brilliant mum and such a hands on granny I used to weep with jealousy that my SiL had so much support whereas my parents babysat twice in my DC's entire life and both time had to be booked 6 months in advance and then tried to cancel because, 'the cat-sitters' circle has invited us to supper'. They had the same upbringing. One is a wonderful teacher, wife, mother ,and grandmother. The other is a sweet person who has rarely worked, is completely neglectful of children, grandchildren and home, away with the fairies and has eyes only for her hideous narcissistic bully of a husband, my dad.

Rape in marriage was legal til the 90s so I expect an awful lot of kids in previous generations were conceived this way- before abortion and contraception. That must have effected attachment.

My mother openly told me she didn't really want children, just that they were "expected". And that she found it difficult to not let us ruin her career.
Strangely or not maybe, I have incredibly low self esteem, multiple MH issues, and never really managed to stay in any career due to my issues, despite showing academic promise.
What it's are useless, but sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I had had just one adult in my life who actually gave a shit about me when I was younger.
I remember being told off in school reports for not taking a more active part in the wider school life. Noone asked me why I couldn't! Just told me off assuming it was my fault....

God, this thread!
I have fairly recently had my eyes opened about a lot of my parents behaviours currently and while growing up but this particular topic is one that I hadn’t thought a lot about.

My parents divorced when I was 7. My dad worked away for weeks at a time. We lived with my mum who moved in with her parents. She basically shut off parenting at that point. I always got the impression that we were linked to her marriage and since that was no longer we were no longer her responsibility.
At that time my grandparents did everything for us from getting us off to school to cooking dinner for us. Emotional support. Everything. I feel eternally lucky that we had them because I can’t imagine being left to my own devices at 7.

We moved out when I was 10 and I lost that daily support. My mum was never emotionally engaged unless it was about her. If I brought anything up all I got was a lecture on how she has it worse. It got worse as I got older.

I got my period at 11 and like most people posting here I was told nothing about it so assumed I was dying. I had to share sanpro packs with my mum which was fine if I had my period at the same time as her. If not then I was out of luck. I think she bought enough for herself and then didn’t buy another pack until her birth control pack finished and she was due on again. I used toilet paper more often than actual pads. I was also expected to share deodorant with her which wasn’t a problem (unless I was staying overnight somewhere) but as an adult I think this is really odd.
I was too scared to ask for anything at all because all I got in return was a lecture on how my father could be buying things for me and why do I expect her to buy everything.

My clothes were almost exclusively hand me downs (fine) and if I didn’t get more I didn’t get more. I wore them until they were unwearable. I suppose luckily grunge and punk was in and I was disallusioned enough as a preteen/young teenager to relate so I think most thought it was a fashion choice.

Although my mum played the poverty card constantly we weren’t poor. She’s managed to get her hair coloured, cut and styled everything few weeks and get her nails professionally done (before nail bars when it was really quite a luxury) and would come home with a £10 bottle of nail varnish each time. She had nice new clothes and luxuries but my brother and I didn’t have the basics.

By the time I was 16 she’d had another baby (3 kids total) and went back to work when he was three months. I was left as the person who looked after him most. She basically gave up on me and my other sibling at that point.
She rarely made food or had anything decent in the house. I was borderline anorexic and I don’t think that was ever noticed. I was also self harming for years and I find it hard to believe she didn’t know what I was doing. She never bothered trying to talk to me though.

When I was 18 I came home one day to find some boxes packed. I asked my brother about it and he looked at me like I had two heads. The landlord was selling the house and we had to leave. My mum didn’t tell me this and my brother didn’t realise. She was moving back in with my grandparents. When I confronted her she basically said that if I couldn’t go out on my own I needed to live with my dad. I was technically an adult at this point and I had a job in a shop, but it was the fact that she never told me that was upsetting. I still wonder when exactly she was going to tell me.
I moved abroad at that point and it never really hit home until I was telling someone I worked with that I moved abroad at 18. She was gobsmacked that I could leave my mum because she never could do that.

To this day I have a lot of issues. I would sooner get myself in to deep trouble and dig myself out than ask for help- because it literally doesn’t cross my mind that someone might help me. It doesn’t cross my mid to ask. I have no one I can rely on if my life goes tits up. I feel like an orphan in that respect. I have issues buying myself things and treating myself, especially new clothes.

Recently I felt quite hurt because my step sister (through my dad’s wife) posted to Facebook a ‘carepack’ She’d receiced from my stepmom while at uni. She was helped to get to uni, get through uni and was regularly given a carepack full of necessities and gift cards and I have had nothing. My stepmom used to take her clothes shopping regularly as well while my brother and I were just forgotten about.

I have little contact with my mum nowadays which is mainly driven by her but I find it difficult to reconcile as my dad and stepmom are pretty great grandparents to my LO. Though I do worry whether it will last once my stepsister has kids.

Ugh, sorry that was so long

Coffee it's important to admit these things, whatever some posters say. It's actually really healthy to realise that this sort of treatment accounts for some of the difficulties you've faced later in life. I don;t mean that we shoudl blame our parents for our failings - we need ot take responsibility for them and deal with them ourselves. And I don;t mean we should sink down into some self-pity party. But to honestly recognise that you weren't cared for when you could have been is very liberating. to you (and nice clothes and haircuts!)

My mother didn’t parent me fantastically well from about 12. Didn’t feed me breakfast, I used to eat a couple of KitKats before school every day. Didn’t attempt to resolve the bullying at school, just told me I had to attend and shut up about it because it was upsetting her. Tried to stop me shaving my armpits and plucking my eyebrows and wearing makeup because she doesn’t do those things herself. Told me we couldn’t afford any hobbies like music or dance because she spent a fortune on cigarettes. I was terribly isolated and would really have benefited from a hobby.

How awful. I can’t imagine that at all. My mum had her faults but she parented me for sure. Maybe not as much I do for my teens as life has changed now but she def bought clothes etc or gave me money to buy. I give my two an allowance but I will pay for essentials and sometimes extras if I’m feeling generous, they would say I’m a control freak but I call it supportive re revision!!!

Thanks @woodcutbirds for your kind words. haircuts are a particularly difficult luxury to afford myself!