To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

So much of this is so familiar. My mum only bought one pack of sanitary towels throughout the whole teenage years. I remember stealing money from my dad to buy some. My dad was distant. When home just sat in his chair, didn't parent us. We did hobbies but only tagged along to hobbies my mum already did.

One thing that was hard was birthdays as a teen. There was zero fuss. A couple of presents would be left in a carrier bag to open alone, after school and that was it. Never a cake or even a hug. Friends would have family meals or going bowling with their family. We had no close extended family so that was that. By the time I was 17 I didn't even get a present. Just a card left on the mantlepiece.

My parents had an unhappy marriage and I was the youngest. They'd just checked out by the time I was a teenager and my siblings were challenging so I didn't want to bother them so I just stayed in my room most of the time.

I can identify with the people who are very independent. I hate asking for help, especially with my children. Luckily I now have a great network of friends who I can ask. It took a while though.

Me too guys.
Heartbreaking isnt it.
I wonder how much the over prescription of meds like valium and ativan were to blame? My mum was coshed by them a lot of the time.
I was a fierce little teen, had to be to fend off the groping "uncles" . That I got myself to uni is nothing short of a bloody miracle. Bizarrely they never forgave me for going and not bringing money into the house.
My own DC know they are adored. I still drive them in to sixth form just because I like their company.

I massively over compensate and not even doubt myself over it

Having DC has been the best part of my life although the hardest. I’ve struggled, I’ve had depression and heartbreak. I’ve been skint. I don’t judge parents who have had it hard it is who comes out a better person from it. It’s actually a choice

When I was about 13/14 our local night club used to have a teenager night, obviously all my mates and I used to go.
Their dads would pick them up at the end . I didn't live in the same area as them but my dad wouldn't pick me up saying if I was old enough to go I was old enough to get myself home.
I used to have to leave at 10 to get the bus. I remember being petrified and running through a dark and mainly deserted town, having to go under an underpass and get the bus. Once at my stop near home I then had to walk approx 10 minutes in a rough estate to get home. My parents would just be sat indoors watching tv .
Also when I was 16/17 and thinking of potential careers , I wanted to join the R.A.F and train to be a military nurse. My Dad refused to sign the paperwork as he said women in the forces are just used as prostitutes for the men

Nowhere near the neglect examples but I was definitely left to do my own thing from quite young which I now find really odd. From 11 I decided my own bed time, could watch what I wanted (I was always super sensible), they never once asked me about homework (although did go to parents evening), I decided all my GCSE, A level, university options without any input at all, did uni open days on my own travelling hours on the train to places I’d never been before. I paid for all my own school trips, didn’t feel I could ask for lifts anywhere, never encouraged to do any activities.

My dad had a really bad neglected abusive childhood, my mum had a loving family but typical 50s/60s experience I think of doing lots of the chores, making own clothes, walking miles to school alone, getting a job in early teens to contribute to the house etc.

The weird thing is they were much more involved with my younger siblings, I felt m like I was always pushed to be super independent and that they needed more support? Or maybe they just had more time for them but not me as they were busier with the young ones when I needed it? I really couldn’t understand it when they were upset that I chose a university far away, given they made me this way?! Even now I live far away and siblings are back at home. I love them but I find some of it very strange now I’m grown and now a parent. I’ve never been very confident or ambitious which has really held me back in life and maybe it’s because I never had the support to practice these behaviours 🤔

Well said CarolDanvers Totally agree

@formerbabe that's absolutely awful I'm sorry

Thank you

My parents didn't know how to parent and admit they only had a child becsuse it was expected. My teens coincided with my mum's decade of menopause and going batshit with what we now know were psychotic episodes, and ill health, while my dad worked long hours to cover the mortgage and avoid her.

So I was used to cooking and doing necessary chores, and fortunately ended up at boarding school where between my friends, some of their parents, and some staff, I learned about washing, deodorant, periods (my mum explained when I was 12, luckily I hadn't started), what subjects to take, trying lots of activities, etc. It wasn't that they were mean or selfish - just clueless. There was a school uniform list so I had everything on that, and my dad put the child benefit into my account, but neither could comprehend that £27 a month wasn't enough for clothes, toiletries, stationery, travel, etc, even if thst nice Mrs Thatcher said it was.
Never occurred to them to see things I was in - my mum would turn up at the end of things when I was younger, on the grounds that a show by children was bound to be crap so I couldn't expect her to watch.

Nancy Friday write an amazing book called 'my mother, my self' about getting over your relationship with your mother, and one insight was mothers thinking they have done 'everything' for their children becsuse it's so much more than was done for them. My mum's classmates were working full time on farms, all walking 3-4 miles to school, many kids barefoot in summer and two sets of clothes was plenty. And several were married by 15-16. In that context, thinking she'd done her job once I could cook, makes sense.

My mum was the same OP she didn’t even buy me bras. I think it was quite abusive looking back. The only reason I can think is that they left school at 14 in their day?

Yes Carole is right, let’s not derail. There are lots of people - including me, that need to get this shit off their chests every once in a while.

I remembered earlier how I was constantly berated for not becoming a doctor or lawyer. My mum had been told, and it was fairly evident that I was not only academic, but self-motivated to read and learn etc etc as a child. She took that to mean that she could sit back and do fuck all with me, give not one iota of advice or support, and I’d somehow wangle a career that she could boast about. I bunked off school to read, hardly ever saw an adult in the house, had no tutoring and nobody coming to parents evening or even looking in my planner or simply asking “how’s school?”. Still, there was this constant refrain “you were supposed to become a doctor! You were a gifted child!”, despite paying me no attention whatsoever or encouraging my education.

Anyway. Good friend of mine IS a doctor. At a party recently she made a toast to her parents and essentially listed this huge catalogue of sacrifice, effort, attention and financial back-up that her parents gave her in order to get her through medical school. It was immense. I wish my mum was there to hear this list of stuff you have to actually do, in order for your child to become their best selves.

Giving them a key at age 8 and leaving them pop tarts for dinner for pretty much every day until they escape at 16, is not the way to make your kid a doctor.

Gosh similar story here. I remember pretending to be ill on a Friday so I could avoid school and go to the supermarket with my mother where I'd be able to slip san pro/deodorant in the trolley as she didn't think to buy it for me and I couldn't just ask-too embarrassed. I wasnt the first child or the first daughter either! Weird looking back Got a job as soon as I could to buy my own clothes etc. Mother born in '50.

Occasionally, I'd go round to see my aunt and cousins. I used to be amazed that whilst we were my playing, my aunt would come and offer us snacks and drinks. At home, I was allowed what I wanted but I would have to get it myself. If anything, it was the other way round. My mum used to lay on the sofa and I had to constantly fetch cigarettes and make her coffees. It doesn't sound like a big thing but because she subsequently died, I feel like I constantly had to fend for myself and I never got to experience that kind of care where you feel really looked after.

formerbabe oh yes! I remember staying over at a friend’s and being expected to have a bath before bed and the mum chucking in all sorts of lovely smelly products (as opposed to screaming out “don’t touch my stuff!”). Once I got out I had to say that I didn’t actually have pyjamas with me, so she gave me a beautiful ironed pair belonging to my friend and then gave us cheese toasties as a snack! I thought I’d died and gone to live with daddy warbucks! The things is though, my friend will tell you that her childhood was dreadful because her mum treated her like a friend, and would offload on her and rely on her emotionally throughout various disastrous relationships. So as I said upthread, it’s all relative to each person and their experiences. She thinks I got a better deal by having a mum with a heart of stone!

Same op, but think the general complacency was evident even from a younger age. When I was too young to have the sense to go to a gp myself for a visible infection that was spreading on my face a youth worker stepped in and took me to my g.p.

As soon as I got to teen yrs nothing was provided other than dinner and a bus pass. Then she had a cheek to be dissapointed in me when I acted out in typical teenager ways. No emotional guidance given.

She is still like that today with all of us siblings, no interest. Dm isn't a bad person and we have an OK relationship but she can't be surprised that we don't have regular contact either.

I was lucky to have met someone who guided me into adult hood but that kind of upbringing has hardened me to some extent.

Just because some kids have had it worse doesn't excuse other forms of neglect. A professional should know that. I know plenty of people raised in the 80's who weren't treated like I was, I was forever trying to hide the lack of anything I had out of shame.
My husband had a completely different experience. He had clothes, toys, after school activities, food, medical attention, and involved parents who supported him and his education.

This is quite upsetting.. We were poor. We lived in a nice house but struggled severely. You never asked for anything. Anything!! Dad worked hard and we had 3 meals a day. That was not abuse. But what was was abuse in my opinion was being afraid to ask because you got shouted at even hit. I know they were under pressure but they could find enough to go drinking....
My relationship with them was fractured. My mother in particular was strict and very harsh. She didn't have the best relationship with her own mother and was working ft from the age of 13, she had to be strong. I think she thought I'd be more like her and stand up for myself but I couldn't. She couldn't stand being argued with and would lash out so I didn't and couldn't even later in life. And when I did start at around 16/17 it was horrendous... I left and went nc for years. I remember one(of many) particular incident, they had been out drinking and came home very very angry. They had been told that my older cousin was pregnant, she was 20,unmarried. She cornered me and roared in my face for 20 mins about what a slut she was and if u ever came home pregnant she'd kill me..... I was 15. From the teenage years she was often cruel especially in front of others.
I had the audacity to answer her back one time and went upstairs. She came up after me and dragged me down by the hair, in front of everyone and hit me across the face. I put my hands up to defend myself and she went ballistic accusing me of trying to hit her back.
Sometimes I can go weeks without seeing them because I still find it difficult to accept that the woman I see today and the woman she was are in fact the same person. Though according to her she never laid a hand on us... How fucked up is that?

@Sicario the foul thing that is Catholic guilt, in solidarity with you.

Hi Op. I haven’t managed to read all 14 pages so please forgive me if I’m treading old water here but your post really hit a chord with me. My mum sounds very similar to yours, and we have a LOT of issues now, but we’re working on them.

However your post has really made me think. I have two teenage boys, aged 15 & 13, and it’s really hard knowing where to draw the line with a lot of things tbh. I keep being told they need independence which I try to encourage although they’re also still very young minded, and I think adults assume kids have a lot more knowledge than they actually do. I remember being super confused about almost everything until.. if I’m perfectly honest, my late 20s 😂 But much more profoundly as a kid. I was also apparently very independent and it appears that my parents found it very hard to navigate parenting me then. They were either too involved and overbearing or too distant and I was left to my own devices too much.

I don’t think it’s easy to do, parenting teens and whatever you do, you’ll somehow be wrong.

This post did make me check myself and I’ve really thought long and hard about it since I first read it earlier on. I know what I’m thinking and why I treat them as I do but they probably don’t see things from my POV and vise versa. So much so that I went in to talk to each of them independently and explain that I’m trying to help prepare them for the world, give them their independence and freedom and still take care of them but I’m aware I won’t always get it right, and they can tell me when I’m getting it wrong and we can chat about it. I don’t have any advice really to offer but I appreciate you bringing this issue up, so thank you x

@theWarOnPeace my mum was like this. I loved reading and learning and would have done well with some guidance. She would say that we would make something of ourselves if we really wanted it, and education wasn't necessary if we were determined to be successful. So basically she gave herself an out to do literally anything involved with our schooling. I was so confused by the school system and sitting exams and what needed to be organised.

The one area my mother did pay attention to was education. She was obsessed with me being an academic achiever. She would go through phases of waking me up in the middle of the night to want to look at homework, I'd find my school bag emptied out on the floor on the landing, she'd tell me I was a failure if I didn't get high marks in exams. Then she'd lose interest again without warning. I lived in absolute fear of school reports, open days, parents evenings etc. This, working whenever possible and the miserable home situation meant that I struggled enormously to focus at all at school, but found revision and exams easier than keeping up with homework so I got by, cramming the school year into a relatively short period of time before exams. The school were aware that something was very wrong but because I showed up each day and would scrape by in exams turned a blind eye, even after it became common knowledge that most of my school uniform came from the Lost Property cupboard and wasn't mine. I don't think the reality of the situation fitted the image of the school or the area where we were living. Having said that I never expected them to do anything either.

@Arduenna
I find it so difficult to be open with other people now, because if my parents weren't interested, why would anyone else be?

Yes, yes, to this, you have put it so perfectly and succinctly.

Monnie I'm so glad you've found my post useful. In fact, I'm glad it seemed to strike a chord with so many...even if it did result in sad stories. At least we can all share them here and feel less alone.

I relate HUGELY to your tale of confusion too Monnie. I also was confused for so many years..and still am a bit!

My primary school had to tell my Mum to buy me a bra.

I had B cup boobs at 11 still in primary - she didn't buy me a bra, she gave me a vest to wear under my shirt. Because she didn't need to wear a bra therefore I couldn't possibly need one either.

In secondary, again, teachers sent letters home explaining that as a now D cup.. i NEEDED bras.. she gave me some of her own (didnt fit, she was a 34A, i was a 38D at 13!)... she EVENTUALLY sent me to a market stall to buy a bra off some big scary looking guy..

She stopped buying food, and after some argument she would give me the child allowance and I had to go to Kwiksaves and shed meet me outside at EXACTLY 5.40 for a lift home (she was passing from work). If I was even a minute late, she'd drive off and leave me, once when she SAW me leaving the store and heading for her car she still drove away, leaving me to walk. Only a few miles but the last mile up unlit roads with no pavement.

At that point asides from my school uniform (purchased once a year, three shirts, one skirt, one blazer, never owned a school jumper or coat, and a pair of shoes) and weekly bus pass, I was expected to provide everything for myself from the child allowance - lunch money, food, toiletries, any other clothing etc.

When I got the hang of this and learned how to manage the money (although, trying to manage on not enough never works!).. she would start to do vindictive things.

Going in my food cupboard and throwing away food because 'you don't need to eat that' - stuff like honey or jam or peanut butter for sandwiches, instant noodles, bread.

She'd randomly decide certain things weren't foods 'she believed in' or that someone couldn't possibly need to eat the amount I ate (normal amounts, but she was an alcoholic living on sherry, vodka, half a slice of toast and some boiled sweets each day...).

Sometimes I'd be cooking, usually whatever time of day she wasn't in the kitchen - she'd just march in and throw the food I was cooking into the sink and run the tap over it, for reasons like 'this isn't a mealtime' or 'you don't need to eat that now' or 'we don't eat this late at night (7.30pm!)' etc.

I remember the day a social worker came to school to explain that I'd be taken to stay with a family friend, because my mother had collapsed at work and had been hospitalised - I laughed hysterically at the idea that I needed an adult to look after me, that without my mother I couldn't stay in the home - I had been looking after myself for two and a half years at that point.

I didn't actually think to tell anyone this though, I think I just thought they knew?

Looking back she got vindictive and nasty when hitting me no longer worked, because after the age of 12, when I punched her back, she realised that method wasn't an option.

I have to admit, looking back I am still angry, not so much at her - she had some serious issues she was clearly not dealing with - but at the OTHER adults who DID know things weren't right, who COULD have said something.. and did nothing.

This can't have been a generational thing for my mother, she went to a nice all girls grammar, six form and on to University in her day, so I think it was severe mental health plus alcohol abuse.

For my Dads part, he left when I was 12 and I could not live with him (actually i could have, i could NOT live with my sister!), and as she'd pushed him out and I'd had to choose to live with her... he just wasn't aware and for reasons I really can't explain, I never told him.

Widdlin I went alone for my first bra too. I remember clearly the embarrassment and not knowing what I was doing. She did buy me things like knickers and petticoats but when bra time came around, I had to work myself up to ask. She gave me money for one and I went by myself at 13. I can't IMAGINE sending my child alone to do that.

I want to be clear, that I love her very much and understand that it was her own upbringing that did this. She loves me too. The food thing...I remember asking for something on toast...which I'd cook...and her saying "No"

What the actual? We had two wages coming in, hardly any mortgage and ONE child at home. There was no reason to refuse me food. That wasn't common but I remember it happening sometimes.

My mum was the same, but probably from the age of 12, I often had to walk to and from school which was a good 45 mins each way, looking back she was never there at dinner time (dad had died at age 10) and I can remember looking for £1.20 to go and buy chips. By the age of 14 I was fully doing my own washing and ironing and doing the housework everyday, although she never asked me to. She never did it herself and I was embarrassed