To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

God! Got to page 10 and I had to stop. I’ll be back.

Lellikelly I was never bought a bra either. I remember being told off by the PE teacher for not wearing one and thinking even at that age: can't you tell that me not having a bra is not my fault. My mother was a sweet woman but she was utterly absorbed in my father. She bought my sister a bra and occasionally bought stuff for my brother but I was the classic overlooked middle child. I never had a bra. Or warm jumper or coat or shoes that fitted. I still remember my father asking me in surprise why I borrowed his jumpers and having to tell him I was cold and had none of my own.

My mum wasn't as bad as this and money was tight but she wasn't great at just providing things. She used to tell me to ask for sanitary protection but I was embarrassed so never did so she never bought. I used tissues for years - which is not adequate. After a few years I had to get over my embarrassment of buying them and bought my own. She did buy clothes - well actually I got a lot of second hand clothes from neighbours. I was lucky and started earning money from baby sitting regularly by 14 so did have money.

I will not do this to my daughter. We have discussed sanitary products but they are not needed yet. I've told her I will regularly buy them but asked did she want a code word for them to made it less embarrassing- she said they were referred to as toiletries in school so that is what we have agreed she will ask for when the time comes.

I can't imagine not automatically buying my kids clothes or just going through them to see what has worn out or doesn't fit. But then they are 10 and 11 so we will see what it's like in 3 years time.

The school leaving age was 14 until 1947 and 15 until 1972 so I can empathise how the older generations thought children of these ages were capable of financial independence. That was also in an era of full employment.

My parents weren’t as bad as most of these stories but they never helped with homework and were useless when it came to picking unis or courses.

The sanitary towels and bra stories that keep coming up are so odd. It seems to be a real theme. I wonder if there was an element of the mothers not wanting another woman in the house? Like, as soon as their daughter had these signifiers of growing up she became the enemy?
Because a lot of these stories are about purposely vindictive behaviour rather than just lack of parenting.
The dads often seem oblivious to anything their kids might need. It is really sad how much other adults turned a blind eye. I hope that has changed at least.

I don't believe my parents were deliberately neglectful. I think they genuinely thought they were doing their best (which is what they've said to me in as in as words when I've tried to broach the subject as an adult). I find this very hard to reconcile. I am angry at them for being poor parents, but if they genuinely didn't realise this, is it right to blame them? Should they have realised? Like others on this thread, I can't imagine treating my DC in the way that my parents treated me and yet I struggle to understand whether this is all due to bad parenting or just differences between the generations.
Example - I was only allowed a bath once a week and never allowed showers. I wasn't allowed deoderant and was expected to wear clothes for at least 3 days before changing them (and I didn't have enough clothes to change any more often). I am fairly sure I must have smelt and was very concious of going to school in dirty clothes. But ... my mother lived by the same rules so presumably she thought this as ok. My father on the other hand changed his clothes and showered daily, so I'm surprised he did not mention it ..,but then he regarded bringing up children as women's work.

Yes Hepzibah that is really wierd, the bra and sanitary products issue arising again and again. My friends didn’t have any of these issues, but interesting to see how many people on here were affected by ‘women’s problems’, for want of a better phrase.

We had zero conversation about periods, sex, bodily functions of any sort. You’d think that even if our parents had their own sense of embarrassment or shame, they could have at least chucked some Sanpro in the cupboard?

My mum did have an issue with Bras though and was vocal about it. Only tarts wore bras, little girls don’t need them. She wore bras and so did my older sister, but apparently if I got a bra at 13-14 I was a tart.

I literally have tears in my eyes remembering the pattern and stitching on a friend of mines new bras. Her mum took her to M&S and bought those ones that are like a soft cotton triangle and they had piping with polka dots and a sweet tiny bow in the middle of the chest. Another one had a pearl in the middle. God I was jealous! I had to double and triple up on layers even in summer, as I felt like I was naked with just one layer and no bra. I want flat chested at all either, was at least a B by about 13-14.

What was our mothers’ reasoning? Deeply. Psychologically. Just what?? Can it really be linked to our womanhood/rivalry? That might make it even worse.

My parents regarded deodorant as a luxury. My mun actually worked in a children's home and laughed at my dad about how this was provided to the kids routinely. Their view was it was a luxury like make up, so if you wanted it, you bought it yourself.
I think that probably does come from the fact that it would have been a luxury when they were young.
My mum did get me bras, but only once I had "something to fill them." She laughed at friends parents who bought them when their daughters had tiny breasts.

My mum died when I was 16. My dad was drunk, selfish and clueless. My parenting stopped there really although I did live with him for two more years. He provided basic food but nothing more. I cooked for myself and had two jobs through my A levels. I was overwhelmed every time a friend’s parent included me in any sort of treat.

When I went to university I never really came home. I worked through the holidays and paid rent to stay in uni accommodation.

It never occured to me that there would be so many out there with such similar stories.
In my job I hear of so many children in really awful situations but I think so much neglect is hidden away in nice houses by otherwise middle class families.

I wish we could have had a way of discussing this when it was happening to us.
I wish I could hug you all

A mixture of ignorance and embarrassment, in my mother's case, I think. She was an uncaring mother at best and the only one who might have shown me some guidance was my father who was much more approachable. However, bras and sanpro were women's business to him and he probably expected that my mother would take care of that when the time was right. She didn't, of course, and I spent many an anxious moment in the loos at school trying to cope as best as I could with whatever materials were to hand.

Even learning about the birds and bees was treated as shameful knowledge, best communicated quickly. My mother wanted nothing to do with it so my father got a book from the library (I was a great reader) and slipped it into my pile of library books without saying anything. I think I got to Page 11 before I realised it wasn't a murder mystery .

Once I'd read it, my father, looking like Daniel going into the lions den, asked me if I had any questions (while my mother hid in the kitchen). "Yes, loads!" I said. He blanched and visibly braced himself. I then proceeded to ask him lots of technical questions that only a biologist or possibly a geneticist could answer (I loved science and all things learned). Not quite was he was expecting, then!

I'm in my 50's. At 14 I was expected to get a Saturday job ( 8-6) and then I also took a Sunday morning job. This was to pay for all non school related items, clothing, toiletries etc and to fund non school bus fares. I liked to go to a Youth club on Saturday evenings and paid for this myself. From that age to now I have never received a penny from my parents and wouldn't think of asking. I left home at 18 and married in my early 20's. It was much much easier for young people to get jobs at a young age and there was a greater expectation of them learning independence. I have friends who still check every detail of their 18-20 year old's lives. My children are adult and though I didn't non parent as much I still taught them skills that have resulted in them being inter dependent rather than totally dependant young adults that you often see now.
The way I was parented doesn't make me feel sad in the slightest, things were very different and less intense with parenting years ago. There were also, imo, less mental health disorders in young people, less pressure to succeed

June there's an enormous difference between what you describe and a life devoid of support. My teens work...nothing wrong with that. They buy some of their clothes too...things they WANT not things they need.

I wouldn;t dream of making my child go alone to the doctors aged 12 or buy her first bra on her own.

You're talking subjectively.

@BummyKnocker Religious indoctrination, bitches-from-hell nuns, all designed to cower and control women into shame and submission. I despise all of them. And whenever I see a child being treated badly or sworn at (yes – you know the type of parent) I refuse to stay silent.

I’m in my 40s and experienced fairly severe depression throughout my teens and twenties, very much not helped by my lack of parenting.

June thats exactly the point in this thread. Not providing even the very basics for your children is not the same as fostering independence. No one learns to be an adult by being neglected by parents who just can't be bothered, they just learn that they are not valued enough to be worth looking after.
Its not about money either. I had friends whose families were really poor, but the parents did their best even with very little, my mum just never tried.
One poster above mentioned not really understanding that other adults didn't know what was happening. That was my experience exactly. I just assumed that adults knew everything so never thought to tell. And even those who did know did know did nothing.

I don't understand not buying sanpro. It is obvious if you have a girl that at some time she will need some. My mum did not buy some especially for me unless I asked, but she showed me where tampax and sanitary towels were and told me to help myself. If I had wanted a different brand, then yes I needed to ask for them.

She told me that my gran used rags and expected her to as well. My mum refused and just told my gran that she had to buy towels for her, which she did.

Rags did used to be commonly used at one time, and I could understand older women on this thread having to use them if they came from a very poor background where there may not have been enough money to buy sanpro. But sanpro is a basic need.

I can only think that it was expensive? I don’t know. There wasn’t many brands to try either. DD’s like the small pink body form or always pads and they are only 99p but I can’t remember how much they were 20 years ago!

Also there was less choice for bras. My DD2 likes sports bra tops which you can get in primark for like £4. I remember having a sloggi bra top when I was a teenager I think I bought myself and it wasn’t very cheap

Yes they were expensive. I remember paying £2 or £3 pound for them 35 years ago. But most on here are not talking about parents who could not afford them.

No exactly Jenny, my family could afford them. My house was done up like a mansion, my mum used to buy her bras from Rigby and Peller - but I was going to look like a tart in a soft cotton triangle bra form Marks apparently.

As I said upthread, I stole sanpro from my friend’s mum’s fancy office that had them just stacked up casually in the loos. My mum simply ignored my pleas. She always said she needed to go to the bank (to give me the money for them), but never did so I’d have to use lunch money. She always had things like designer handbags and even did things like had an interior designer come round to do my bedroom, which ended up like something from a Victorian dollshouse fit for a princess, all swags and tails. All of that, when I had no bras and no sanitary towels, and had to make myself dinner every day from packets of nothing.

I think the lack of sanpro / deodorant / bras etc is like a kind of denial. Keeping you as a child. That's kind of how mine was anyway. Went mental when i asked what periods were (after reading a Judy blume book from the library).

I don't understand not buying sanpro

It's simple. If your daughter is so low on your radar that you are never really registering her day to day existence, or thinking about her and her wellbeing, then it would never occur to you that she might need sanpro. Or a bra. Or shoes. Or school uniform. Or a coat.

You can't imagine it because you aren't neglectful. But that's how neglectful parents operate. 100% focus on themselves and their own adult dramas and desires.

Yes fair point.

That's it in a nutshell, woodcutbirds!