To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

omione for DSis and me that is exactly the quandary we are facing. M's expectations and our capacity (or not) to provide.

My parents were completely skint and my mum only owned one per of trousers; cheap leggings which kept ripping and she kept sewing up.

We didn’t always have the latest stuff (well, my brother did, but that was a couple of years after me), but they did always make sure we had clothes and money for activities.

They had no interest in my career or homework or finance. But this was because they knew little about this themselves.

Was sharing a house with my mother at 14 but basically living alone. Siblings left the moment they could, mother had switched off a couple of years earlier to concentrate on new relationship, that failed and she never really re-engaged. She was drinking at times and angry and either disinterested or frightening to be around. I grew up fast, I had to fend for myself emotionally and financially from my babysitting/Saturday jobs. I ended up paying the household bills. Any financial support she received for me never came my way. My father was around at times but turned a blind eye and would be away for months at a time. I fed myself (badly) and bought clothes at jumble sales, I had paper stuffed in the end of my sisters shoes they'd left behind so they'd fit my smaller feet. I tried to work out how to do things without other people noticing what was going on. I didn't always get things right. I spent a lot of time feeling lost, ashamed, scared and sad. Fortunately I had a good set of friends and one or two other people's parents picked up on things and I was invited on holidays and for meals out. Many years later I found out that a friend's mother had tried to find away of having me live with them but my mother refused. It broke my heart 30 years later when I found out and it broke me and my sisters's hearts to see my mother have a strong relationship with her grandchildren when they reached their early teens, the one we never had with her. I still feel like the child I was when all this happened at times, like I'm hiding and just hoping for the best and hoping no one notices. I also find it very difficult to let any one help me however bad life gets.

Well said @SingingLily

To be fair to my mum, she was skint and depressed and never got over my dad leaving and is a Valium addicted alcoholic.

We went from being average middle class to being skint and fucked up pretty well overnight. My poor mum fell apart and still hasn't recovered 35 years later.

I know it wasn't just normal 70s / 80s parenting though. And I won't be told to get over myself because there were and are children who have it worse. Neither of my parents hit me or abused me. They just didn't bring me up. And that isn't right and it wasn't my fault. There will always be worse but shit is shit.

I think it is important to be allowed to say simultaneously that my mum did what she could but that I, and my sister, were neglected.

Something I want to say to the posters who think the sad stories on this thread aren't so bad really is that I think neglected children tend to minimize their neglect. Partly because we don't know any different but mainly as a coping mechanism. We are used to minimizing but we know it's bullshit. And it's just fucking mean to come on a thread of people opening up in the spirit of sharing and solidarity about childhood neglect and tell them what happened was normal for the time.

I repeat what SingingLily said so well - if you don't understand this thread then count yourself lucky.

And if you had it worse then I'm desperately sorry for you and wish you well and kindly suggest that you step away if you can't show empathy.

Everything Beachcomber just said.

Yeah my mum grew up in 70s and she was never bought any new clothes etc even though her parents could afford it. SHe says she got laughed at for always wearing the same dress to school.

She knows her mum loved her but she didn't show it much apparently. They had ponies so went exactly poor.

Yep very much so.

Mother liked babies, she had quite a few, with each new one, the rest were pushed aside. My youngest sister was born when I was 13.5. I had precisely no input from her (other than being screamed at and hit) from there on out.

Raffy I feel compared with some of the other stories on here I got off quite lightly, but DM just wasn't really present at all. I was very unhappy and anxious and began school refusing and no one really thought to try and get to the bottom of it. I did have some nice teachers who tried, but my parents just saw me as a bit of a nuisance really.

My friends could discuss anything with their mothers, and they couldn't understand why I couldn't chat to her about stuff. But I generally just couldn't because whenever I tried she would shut it down.

I was talking yesterday to DH about this, as he also suffered similar he was the 3rd much younger unplanned child. His parents were well over the parenting stage. His mother died a few years ago and he couldn't and still can't think of any nice memories of her.

There is much I could write about my own parents but a couple of the small things that never registered with me at the time but now I look back on also stick out are, I was never given pocket money but they never wondered or questioned were I got my make up from? it was nicked. I shoplifted make up from 13 to 16/17 when I started earning money.

One year at secondary school I didn't have any shoes so just started wearing my mum's pimsole/trainer things, they were 3 sizes too big, I felt like I was walking in clown shoes plus the were in no way what a teenager would wear.

Another year I wore a crappy coat I found, because I didn't have a coat.

At least 3 years of going to school with a plastic bag for school bag.

I wonder how many posters parents had too many kids than they could adequately support, it usually seems to be the oldest kids who suffer the most. For instance I was kicked out at 16 I was the oldest, my youngest sister is 22 and still lives with DM, guess who went to uni and is about to do a second degree? Not me since I had to fend for myself from about 13,i lived with a friend at 14 and 15,another off the rails young girl like me. I tell myself DM is trying to do differently with my little sister cos I know she loves me. I love her too but will always be sad I think.

Beachcomber can we not attack each other on this thread. I did not tell other people their experiences were normal or in any way ok. I said my slightly neglectful childhood was actually fairly normal. I am horrified at what some posters have gone through. Much worse than me. MN invites perspectives and contributions. I was contributing. It is so tiring when people are like this on MN. I am not mean. Don't call me mean. Read the posts. NOBODY WAS MINIMISING. My childhood made me pretty sad and that is not good but I forgive my mum because I think she was acting in a fairly normal way for sixties adolescents who went on to parent. I am allowed to say that without other posters attacking me and saying I'm ignoring (far more upsetting) stories. It's a kneejerk and incorrect accusation and bloody hurtful. I work with neglected kids and it breaks my heart every. sodding. day.

My Mum used to leave me and my younger DSis home alone on Friday and Saturday nights from when I was around 8 years old.

This was because Dad was in the Navy and she 'needed to get out'.

Then they divorced when I was 11. We moved, so mum could work next door to where we lived and she ot the place we lived in exchange for work. She was then working late evenings, instead of going out and was much closer, so it was better.

We used to always come home to an empty house though, as she would be in a local cafe, pouring money she didn't have into the slot machines there.

She did not actively parent me at all.

We did have everything we needed in the way of clothing etc though. I think her sisters and my Gran helped a lot.

She did not know where I was from about the age of 13 when I went out. She did not show an interest in homework, so I didn't bother with it. I would skive of school a lot too. I would shop lift and she would never question where my new things had come from.

She never tried to stop me age 14 from going out with my 18 year old boyfriend. She would say that she had no chance of controlling me as I was wild, but I don't remember her even trying.

In contrast, my DSis got engaged age 18 and was buying a house with her DF. They married when she was 19. DSis would not move in with him as she 'knew mum would be upset'. She would go out clubbing with him an hours drive away. They would drive home after the clubs closed at 2am and she would find mum waiting for her to get in and accuse her of going and having sex in the house they were buying, you know, perfectly legal sex, with someone with a real commitment. Yet she never questioned me at 14 being with my 18 year old BF!

Weird.

2eternities my parents could afford us (two of us) but they were busy and my mum wanted us to be grown up as soon as possible. I was the younger by 2 an half years but as soon as I started school me and my sister had to get ourselves up and to school and had a key to get back in the house after school at 3.15, and wait for mum to come home around 5ish.

Dad worked shifts so was sometimes home. But it was more hassle him being home sometimes, I remember him once being home when we were getting ready for school and I think he wanted to be the good caring parent so made us porridge, I asked for some sugar to put on top and he replied I put sugar in when I made it, I must have complained as he came in shouting and threw the sugar bowl down on the table and it bounced then smashed and sugar went all over me and sister, he just stormed of back to bed and left us to it.

My dad didn't do little kids, he was a better more patient parent when I was a teen.

*forgot to say, mum went to college once I was at school hence why we had a key.

My DM always says that three children pushed her over the edge. It also annoys me she allowed my sisters dad to adopt me (he raised me from being 2) when my real dad didn't want it then when they divorced when I was 9 actually let my real dad back in my life as if he was the bloody back up plan. Inevitably by 13 other 'dad' wasn't seen by me, I loved him and still get upset about it. He's an arse who my sisters dislike anyway and my own dad has been a rock to me over the years he lives abroad he was only 20 and had a scholarship waiting abroad (DM and him wernt in a relationship) when I was conceived and now he helps me out financially a whole loT. He never had any more kids out of guilt he told DM.

Don't even know why I'm writing this just good to get it out.

The reason I am angry with my mum is that she put her pride above what was right
We had a council house we probably would have been ok, but she just wouldn’t let my dad go no matter how dreadful he was. She will tell me now there was literally zero love between them for over 20 years, but she was too afraid to be alone

Well she’s alone now because he waited until we were 16 and 19 and fucked off with someone else

And I am often expected to be her company. No thanks!

windygate I really feel for you and your sister, i dont know what i would do if i was in your shoes. goodluck to you both

Yes I had a key from being 10,I'd get home from school and played neopets on the computer till around d 6 when mum came home with my sisters from CMs wed have nuggets and chips for tea then DM would fall asleep on the Sofa. This was before her boyfriend moved in, before she turned 50 oddly she couldn't be without a man In her life she was never ever single.

2eternities and everyone

it's sometimes good just to get all out.

I've been through lots of therapy and various stages of upset and anger. I'm now not at all emotionally connected to my upbringing. But I remember everytime the feeling of "just getting it out".

Wow. This thread. It has been triggering.
I didn't suffer as much as some PPs but I am so surprised at how many people experienced this.
My own story, my parents split when I was 12 and from that point my mum checked out. Money? Perhaps? We were pretty poor Time? Probably? My DM went back to work FT.
My mum would buy herself clothes but not us. Again, no san pro for me and my DSis.
She would spend weekends at my grandmothers and leave us at home alone - at 12 and 14.
We lived like roommates.
I spent most of my teenage years at my best friend's house - they obviously realised what went on and basically took me in.
I started working weekends at 13.
Looking back my big sister protected me from a lot. I had her hand me downs, she worked from 13 too and would buy san pro for us both.
My DM wasn't mean, she did drop me off/ collect me from things but never encouraged me in anything. I did no dance, sports, music... nothing extra curricular at all. She would come to parents' evening but that was it, no plays, shows, sports day... nothing.
It is all so surprising to me as she is devoted now as a mum and grandmother - she turns up to everything and messages me every day.
I think she must have had some MH issues at that time.

This thread is the most relatable thing I think I have ever read. Its a revelation to me that so many other have also been through this. Its like reading my own story and there are so many similarities to my childhood.
My beloved, hands on, fun and hard working dad died in the late 80s when I was 10 and sadly my mum just gave up. She became extremely stingy and just refused to provide for me at all, we would eat whatever cheap thing she could be bothered to buy even if it was days old bread and a piece of cheese. She bought me one set of school uniform, just the basics when I started secondary and that was it. Friends used to give me their hand me downs. I remember visiting a friend and being amazed at her wardrobe full of clothes. I really had no idea that this was how other children lived. We had enough money, holidays, a new car, big expensive house but she just decided that making sure I had the basics was not important. I remember only having two pairs of pants when I was was about 15 and those were ones I had bought myself out of some minuscule amount of money I had been given.

My dad had been the one who did the shopping despite him working long hours and so when he died any sense of being looked after just vanished. My mum remarried almost instantly despite her love for my dad and I remember being told that I was old enough to fend for myself and she must make her own life now. I was 14. My step father was horrible. She then moved me to live with my step fathers parents 100 miles away on my own because she wanted some time to herself. I had met them maybe twice at his point and had to leave my great school which I loved to live with these people in a horrible freezing house and go to an awful school whilst my mum had a nice break from parenting her bereaved child.

When we eventually moved into a new place together it was made very clear that I should not expect to be loved or made welcome. My neighbour used to give me lifts if they saw me walking down the dangerous narrow lane to my house because my step dad would turn the phone off if he knew I was on my way home and might call for a lift. They used to turn the heating off at the oil tank when they went on holiday so the heating wasn't wasted on me.
The sense of loss of my childhood as well as my dad is so acute even now I am in my 40s and I see how it has effected me. I have found it hard to stand up for myself and I have spent years trying to understand others who weren't kind to me and I think this is because I had no choice but to make allowances for my own mum.

I struggle with my role as a mum because I don't want to over compensate but also don't know what is normal. I know that I will never allow my daughter to feel like I did. She is my world.
I wish I could put all of us in a room together so we could hug each other. This thread has been a revelation to me. Thank you so much OP.

God that was long! Sorry...

This thread has touched so many nerves. My parents always provided the physical necessities but were (and remain) detached and emotionally unavailable. From the outside all looked rosy but it wasn’t. Add the death of my beloved gran, family rifts, and my Dad’s own mental health issues, it was a pretty grim adolescence. One of my earliest memories is of my Dad applying a cold flannel to my legs as he’d smacked me so hard it marked. I was probably 3 or 4. I was expected to look after my DB every Saturday then prepare a meal for my Dad when he got home. Lifts were forbidden. We walked on egg shells for years. Flash forward to me having a breakdown at uni, culminating in an episode of pretty serious self harm. The only emotion my Dad expressed was anger. I’d brought shame to his door. What would he tell people? I resent my mum for being weak and complicit. My parents love things, not people. It’s why I go into panic mode if DH occasionally gets angry with the kids; I’m hard-wired to protect and defend them, I think. Like others have noted, my parents were highly interested in DC as babies but not now they are older and can voice an opinion.
They fuck you up your Mum and Dad.... On the plus side, I’ve ended up quite self-reliant and a bloody grafter. We should all be proud.

Fizzysours.

a) I didn't call you mean.

b) there is minimizing on this thread and I'm not the only poster to have taken issue with it.

I do wish there could just sometimes be a thread of what is clearly very sensitive and painful experiences, where you don't get several posters taking it upon themselves to charge on and give everyone a "shake". If I wanted to describe more overt abuse to justify my distress at how I was parented, I certainly could but that's not what OP asked for. She asked for a very specific kind of parenting or lack off and that's what people are relating. Insensitive and obtuse to come and tell everyone to basically pull themselves together because it could have been worse.