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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To avoid my nephew

194 replies

Peachsummer · 05/06/2019 00:51

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

OP posts:
Thequaffle · 05/06/2019 00:54

Could you mention it to MIL?

CalmdownJanet · 05/06/2019 00:57

This is easy, stop being afraid to offend them! He hit your child hard enough he had to go to a&e, ffs, step in and discipline him if they won't, who gives a fuck if they get offended?

Leeds2 · 05/06/2019 00:57

Just say that DS would prefer to be at home. And that you have the babysitting already arranged.

Chocmallows · 05/06/2019 01:01

I'm also currently avoiding a family member's DC. He's older than my DS and likes to make him upset, hides his things, squeezes rather than cuddles him, laughs at rather than with him. My relative (his mum) excuses him, even when I ask him to calm down, saying he's a typical boy.

I'm giving it a break and will see how things are in the future. My advice is to carry on with the break for as long as possible and try again for a brief visit. That's what I'm planning anyhow.

Original poster
Peachsummer · 05/06/2019 01:03

DH could speak to MIL and say we’re keeping them apart. But she’s a funny huffy woman who’s very close to SIL, I don’t know how she’d take it.

Also getting out of this situation doesn’t solve the long term issue. DH thinks we can just keep them apart for a couple of years until DS is big enough to defend himself and his cousin hopefully grows up a bit and behaves better. I think they’ll notice if we don’t see them for a couple of years!

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 05/06/2019 01:06

This is gas so you are waiting for your child to be old enough to stand for himself when you won't stand up for him or yourselves, seriously, how the hell do you think he is going to learn to stand up for himself with ye two to learn from?

Graphista · 05/06/2019 01:08

I think you need to or rather your dh needs to grow a spine!

Is sil gc? Dh scapegoat?

Ridiculous to keep coming up with silly excuses.

Polite but assertive - "we don't feel that your DCs behaviour when X happened was ideal and were also disappointed that it wasn't addressed by you at the time. We have to ensure dss safety"

You're actually not doing the child that hit any favours by not saying anything.

Hollyhobbi · 05/06/2019 01:27

Tell them you're hiring supernanny to put him (nephew) on the naughty step permanently!

JennyWoodentop · 05/06/2019 01:29

I would tell the truth - you are not happy with his behaviour towards your child & since they have not addressed it to your satisfaction you prefer to keep the children apart for now .........until they are more mature, able to deal with conflict, better behaved, whatever.

If they are offended by that, the invitations will stop & you won't have to make up excuses any more.

On the other hand, if they are able to reflect on the situation & start dealing with it, then that's a good outcome.

You can't keep up with the excuses, they are going to notice the cousins never see each other so sooner or later the truth will come out, better to do it in a controlled way than in an outburst.

Spudina · 05/06/2019 01:29

In your shoes, I would just be honest. It's a tough situation but in the long run, I think lying is going to cause you more problems. They will work out something is wrong before the two years is up. And they would have to be complete imbeciles not to relate it back to the A+E incident. I would be annoyed if someone dud this to me, instead of just being truthful.

Spudina · 05/06/2019 01:29

Did this...

managedmis · 05/06/2019 01:30

Yeah you need to tell them why you don't want to spend time with your nephew.

Did they apologise over the hitting incident?

I feel your pain because my nephew is a spirited kid but we live abroad so don't see him much. He's the same age as our DS though, so no age difference issue. If he'd have hit DS I'm sure DS would have punched him back!

PregnantSea · 05/06/2019 01:37

Why is it so hard for you to just say that you're uneasy about them spending time together since your son ended up in A&E?

I know some people don't like to make a fuss but this is absurd.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/06/2019 01:38

If they aren't disciplining him now then his behaviour is likely to get worse because he thinks it's okay. I'm not convinced that he's going to get better the older he gets. They need to discipline him.

Your DH needs to tell his Mum and his Dsis exactly how you both feel and why you're keeping them apart for now. You've got perfectly valid reasons.

AllyBamma · 05/06/2019 01:46

I think you’re making a rod for your own back by just making up excuse after excuse.

If DH isn’t willing to step up and tell the truth the you need to just be honest and tell them that at this stage, you are not comfortable with DS being around the nephew because of the documented history of violence. You have to speak up for your son and not worry about stepping on peoples toes or this is just going to keep on happening.
It might be the catalyst for BIL/SIL to have a bloody good look at themselves

Cruelstepmother · 05/06/2019 01:49

Tell them you've booked your babysitter already and don't want to cancel because she needs the money.

Jennbot · 05/06/2019 03:45

So neither you or your dh are prepared to protect your tiny son? You're both so pathetic. How can your little ds learn to stand up for himself when his parents are teaching him to run away and hide? Are you for real?

expat101 · 05/06/2019 04:13

It won't get any better the older they get, going from our experience. Our niece is 10 months older than our daughter and she started running her own race without guidance from M & D from when she was old enough to walk.

She tried drowning our daughter in our pool, breaking her toys and overall being mean. Nothing changed, she just got smarter about it.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 05/06/2019 04:22

I'd keep them apart and I'd be honest with all involved about why.

HennyPennyHorror · 05/06/2019 05:10

I had to. It was a close friend not a relative but she was 2 years older than DD and did things like taking DD's new toy out of her hands when DD was about 5 and then running away, letting DD catch up and dangling it...before running away again.

Somehow she ALWAYS managed to act like this when I could see but her own Mother could not.

If I spoke up, she'd dissolve into tears. I stopped calling my friend after this kid hit DD's little cousin on the top of his head with a plastic spade. He was only 3 at the time.

I tried to broach the child's behaviour but because her Mum never saw it, she was Hmm.

WolfhoundsofLove · 05/06/2019 05:13

Just be honest for goodness sake, what’s wrong with you?!

reefedsail · 05/06/2019 05:21

You need to say 'The boys don't get on at the moment, and because DN is bigger DS is coming off worse. Lets have playdates again later when they are a bit older and they'll get on better'.

No blame or judgement. Just be assertive!

Frittata · 05/06/2019 05:27

^^ what they said.

You may be actually doing them a favour as they may get help then.

Ceebs85 · 05/06/2019 06:06

Definitely honesty is needed in this situation. It's not fair to your nephew to just avoid them for years. It could be the wake up call they need? Or could at least make them reflect.

LL83 · 05/06/2019 06:12

I would still see them but less often and be extra vigilant and stay close to ds while there to make sure he isn't hurt.

You don't have to discipline him but you can say "no hitting" "you can have the toy next" etc

If nephew is awful SIL and BIL will have to deal with it so you might find it has improved already.