To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

It's hard to know how proportionate you are being without knowing how injured your ds was and whether your trip to A and E was necessary Yes this.

Just be firm with the boy if his parents won't. gentle but firm. "We don't hit" "Take your turn, X had the toy first." etc etc.

More info needed on the A&E trip, it could have been something huge and catastrophic that required real treatment, or it could have been DN pushing your DS over and a 'just in case' trip to check there was so small concussion

And how did BIL & SIL react to the incident?

I don’t know how people spend time with anyone that they can’t be honest with. It always baffles me. Lying to them about your son so as to avoid being honest, but spending nights out with them. Why can’t you just tell them straight?

What @SoupDragon said
Be straight and don’t be afraid the fall out, stand up for your child.
MIL/SIL/BIL get offended and don’t come with DN- your DN is safe or they start disciplining their child.
OP your primary responsibility is to your child.
I can’t imagine what force DN has applied to get your DC into A&E and I can’t believe nobody said anything at the time about DN behaviour.
I can understand toddlers go through hitting stage fair enough as long as the parent intervenes.
Unfortunately there are some parents that refuse to acknowledge/correct their offsprings bad behaviur. Usually when confronted they flounce off “how dare you”. I dare. I’m sick of seeing my kids pushed/kicked/hit/bitten repeatedly.

It is tricky. I would take him but watch very carefully, and discipline the other child if needed. If that causes issues with BIL/SIL then at that point I think you should be honest about your concerns.

@Jennbot - are you always so rude??

I would also say that honesty will lead to awkwardness and possibly resentment. But then, you resent them anyway (the child and parents)

Why don’t you recycle the events. Rash, flu, holiday, event tickets and repeat. Give about a space of a year before seeing nephew again. People change as they get older and you might find he’s not so bad age 5. Or he might be worse of course.

DH thinks we can just keep them apart for a couple of years until DS is big enough to defend himself

Seriously? What are you going to do send him to karate lessons just because you don’t want to tell them to keep tell their child under control?

I had the same issue. My DS was around 10mo when my DN who is 8 months older than DS, took a dislike to him. He would push him over, kick, pinch, scream in his face. My DSis dealt with the situation with time out but after a couple of instances she stopped dealing with it saying they would grow out of it. I started avoiding her or checking she wasn’t at my parents before I went, then one day she was there and my DN head butted my son. It was the last straw for me and even if I did grab my DS and leave I realised that wouldn’t get us any where so I spoke to her about it. She agreed to deal with it if anything ever happened again. They are 3 and 2.5yr now and currently best friends.

But yes, honesty is absolutely NOT the best policy in situations like these.

Re both sleeping over at MIL's-surely that's easy-you just say no thanks & let BIL & SIL do wha they want re their son?

Also if you do decide to see the again-there are two of you-can't one of you be occupying your son & fending your nephew off?

How long do you usually visit for?

How about a daytime sitter?

If someone else's child had hit my child so much they needed to go to hospital, I would be talking to the parent about it, so they know the damage caused, I would absolutely challenge poor behaviour around my child if the parents weren't going to do that and I would go on to have no guilt around telling them that's why we weren't meeting up with them + kids.

I would be very vocal about leaving PIL's house if the behaviour continued to hurt my child. That way, you would be able to say that "x happened, cousin continued to hurt my child and we left, we won't be returning when cousin is there"

You are hardly teaching your child to stand up for himself when you bury your head in the sand with excuses.

The A&E incident - DS was sitting with his Dad, his cousin came over and hit him unexpectedly, cutting DS’s face. So we can’t stop him being attacked even when he’s literally on a parent’s lap, hence why we’re avoiding our nephew altogether. It wasn’t a general whack either, it was a purposeful jab straight in the face with a weapon and a look of hatred. He needed a stitch in a deep cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding and it’s left a visible facial scar.

Just tell the truth: that since the A&E incident you don't want DN and your DC together in case your DC gets hurt again.

If he lamped your DS so badly he is scarred then that is your excuse! One of you has to be honest.

OP, obviously you profoundly dislike this child. You’re going to have to tell his parents you don’t want to spend time with him until his behaviour improves.

peach how on earth anyone in your family could not see that this is awful I don't know! He has a bloody scar on his face!

Take your turn, X had the toy first
This typically results in screaming No! Mine! and lashing out at adults or DC. Last time I said it he bit me.

'A look of hatred'

In a 3 year old!

OP of course your child's safety is paramount. But you have only described one incident. Did your child have stitches? How badly hurt were they?

So you keep your child away from the 3yo as best you can. If the child hurts your DC again then you are well within your rights to say 'that's the second time this has happened... what are we going to do about it?'

This child doesn't hate you DC, it's way too young for sophisticated feelings like hatred.

Ok I've seen he needed a stitch. That's awful. You should've spoken up then tbh.

He is 3. His parents are clearly in denial. You are an adult. So the onus is all on you here I'm afraid.

What did parents say about A&E visit?

Tell them the truth. Your child put mine in A&E. Until you can control him we no longer wish to see when the kids are with us.
Your waiting for your DS to stand up for himself? Grow a backbone and stand up for him.

He is 3 and a child, maybe one destined to be difficult forever or maybe just a three year old boy. The difference between the two in a NT child is parenting

But you need to say something as surely your current behaviour is causing a rift

If they haven't guessed that you are keeping your DS away from their DS due to his violent behaviour they must be thick as fuck