To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

Ok, in that case you say “it’s less stressful at the moment to keep the kids apart: Dn is too young to manage his impulses or understand his strength and Ds is too little. To be honest we don’t want to put either child in the position of Ds getting injured like last time”.

I'd consider simply explaining you're really worried after rhe a&e incident and would like to keep the kids apart for a while until they are both a bit bigger, for safety reasons, as much as you love your nephew, but what happened was frightening.

I would explain it to thr parents, not your mother in law. It is hard though.

We had a similar situation with a friend's child who was the same age and violent to our daughter, so we did what you did and just cooled the friendship, but we are glad we didn't say anything as the child turned out to have a very debilitating life long mental disability so it could have caused offence had we taken that route.

So either address it, or find a reason your mother in law can't have both boys.

peach how on earth anyone in your family could not see that this is awful I don't know! He has a bloody scar on his face!
MIL hasn’t commented, she tends to avoid involvement. SIL/BIL just say it’s only a small scar, it’ll fade, their son didn’t mean it, it was an accident, etc. He did mean it though - he walked right up to DS with a toy in his hand, gave him a look of hatred and purposefully smashed him straight in the face. And he wasn’t disciplined either. “Say sorry!” bleated SIL while the blood gushed down DS’s face and he screamed.

I won’t discipline their child and be accused of overstepping my limits or being too harsh compared to how ridiculously soft they are. I’ll just stay away from their child.

it’s less stressful at the moment to keep the kids apart: Dn is too young to manage his impulses or understand his strength and Ds is too little. To be honest we don’t want to put either child in the position of Ds getting injured like last time

Actually this is very good.

So neither you or your dh are prepared to protect your tiny son? You're both so pathetic. How can your little ds learn to stand up for himself when his parents are teaching him to run away and hide? Are you for real?

Can't you read? They are protecting their son and asking advice on how to move forward from this

Your DS was hit in the face and had to go to A&E and you are still trying to side-step the issue?! Stop trying to avoid them SIL and BIL without telling them what the issue is, tell them - they can then decide whether they want to see you by themselves or if they want to go off in a huff (if they do the latter problem solved). I don't think your MIL needs dragging into this - just tell SIL/BIL "I realise we parent differently but we've decided to not let our son meet up with yours for a while due to things that have happened in the past which have really worried us".

Then speak up OP and be honest. "Your child scarred my child and you still won't tell him off or get him under control, until you do I don't want the children to be in the same place."

That would not be an unreasonable statement to make or position to take in the circumstances. You must stick up for your son so that he learns he is worth sticking up for.

Why can’t you just tell them straight?
DH won’t criticise their son or their parenting in case it causes a rift or upsets them. His attitude is to avoid confrontation and just stay out of the way. Also it doesn’t matter how much we criticise, I doubt they’ll change their soft permissive parenting style.

So neither you or your dh are prepared to protect your tiny son?
We are protecting him, by keeping him away from a violent and unpredictable child.

5 months is a long time in a 3yolds life. Meet up, be vigilant and be prepared to swoop in and remove him. Mil sounds a bit wet so I’d not go with the her supervising.

The five month point is that he might well be completely different.

You don't have to criticise their parenting just tell them you think it's better to keep them apart for now as they seem to clash at this age. You can't just avoid them forever what about xmas and birthdays?

As for the dinner you could say yo MIL thanks for the offer but my sister/friend really wants to do it and its probably better anyway as the boys are a handful when they are together... don't want.anyone ending up in A&E again.

You have a DH problem in that he won't stand up for his baby son with his family.

And you are causing some of this in that you also won't put your son first and step in with your nephew.

You both need to woman/man up fast and stop being such cowards. Your baby surely deserves that from you, his parents.

You keep bleating on how DH refuses to say anything?
You have a voice why aren't you speaking up?

I would find another babysitter for the meal

Actions speak a thousand words. If you continually avoid meeting them with your DS since the incident they will put 2+2 together

I would suggest working out what you will say if they ask why! You can avoid but I bet they will work it out!!

I would tell MIL the truth btw

"ou are waiting for your child to be old enough to stand for himself when you won't stand up for him or yourselves, seriously, how the hell do you think he is going to learn to stand up for himself with ye two to learn from?"

^ this

You and DH can raise this issue, without being critical. You can be extremely firm about the situation, without being the ones to discipline their child.

Was the hitting in the face an accident or a very deliberate act?
Deliberate.

has anyone actually received a satisfactory result from telling shitty parents that their devil's spawn children are bullies
We don’t think they’ll respond well or do anything except get offended.

I actually think you have a DH problem rather than a SIL/BIL problem
Yes. I couldn’t give a shit about offending his sister. But DH is very non confrontational, he’ll always walk away rather than cause a fuss.

To write him off forever based on his three year old behaviour seems rather harsh
This is why DH wants to make excuses for a couple of years then give it another go when DN has matured a bit.

Your nephew will hopefully grow out of this stage, but in the meantime dh or you should send a message and put them straight.

'After DS1 injury we feel it would be better to keep the children apart for a little while. We found the hospital visit very stressful and upsetting and would prefer to avoid this happening again. I hope you understand. Lets get together for drinks soon. Love xxx

You have married into a family of compliance and non confrontation.

The only problem with families like this is that nothing ever gets resolved, and people sit and simmer with bad feeling. It is not healthy in the least. Take control of it yourself, and then at least you can stop lying and making excuses.

You keep bleating on how DH refuses to say anything? You have a voice why aren't you speaking up?
He’d be furious if I created a scene and alienated his sister after he’s specifically said he wants to keep the peace and just avoid them.

Jus be honest and factual.

Since DS ended up in a&e we think its best to keep them apart until he is bigger and DN had better control.

Is frankly ridiculous to lie and his door two years. What if you meet up on in two years and it happens again and DS gets hurt again? Hide and lie for 4 years?

If neither of you are prepared to step in when these incidents occur and tackle the behaviour, and neither of you are prepared to have a straightforward discussion with BIL and SIL, then that really only leaves the current situation of awkwardly avoiding them and scratching around for more and more excuses. But it will be for much longer than a couple of years. I mean you can't seriously propose to wait 2 years so that you can simply leave it to your (still very young) son to handle a situation on his own that four adults have failed to address? That would be very cruel. There really isn't a magic solution that allows you to change the behaviour of your nephew without addressing his parents or him directly, or which allows you to avoid the whole family indefinitely without anybody asking any questions.

I think the answer is that YOU don't do anything. Leave it to your DH to make the excuses or have/not have the confrontation with his family.

Then let him make the excuses. Make it his problem, not yours. But stay firm on keeping the kids apart.

Personally I’d just say following A&E we want to keep the kids apart for now.