To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

He’d be furious if I created a scene and alienated his sister after he’s specifically said he wants to keep the peace and just avoid them
So stop making up excuses for him. "Sorry DH but I'm not OK with lying to your sister for the next decade. Either be honest, let me be honest or you can do all the contact with them"

I know how hard this is OP, you need to protect your child and your extended family are being wilfully blind! You really don’t have to say this in such a way as to cause a family rift....no thank you to MIL, babysitting is not required (you don’t need to explain yourself).

SIL and BIL and nephew.....it may get better and your nephew is a normal 3 year old, they may be disasterous parents, he may be a psychopath!.....I can’t tell from your OP but I would say that you cannot put this off forever. Your son has a cousin close in age and a family that clearly love him, it would be a real shame if he couldn’t fully benefit from that because your husband fears a minor tiff with his sister. Tell your husband that I’d say!

I haven't read all the replies but really the only answer is to just be honest and tell them. Say you're sorry but since your visit to A&E you aren;t willing to put your DS in that position again so you would prefer adult evenings only. That is the only answer, making excuses is madness. The truth hurts but it might give them a kick up the bum to be a bit more proactive in disciplining their kid.

There’s nothing wrong with avoiding them but at the same time I can’t help but wonder whether after five months the hitting has stopped. You seem convinced that the child is the devil but often really atrocious three year olds become lovely quite suddenly when they finally ‘get it’ and realise that other people have feelings too. He might just be a bit slower coming to the realisation or he may have to the realisation in your absence. I wouldn’t let it worry you too much at any rate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just not seeing him. But at the same time you do seem to have built it up in your head a bit (which frequebtlyhappens after a traumatic incident) and it may be worth seeing him without your DS so you can start reconditioning yourself.

My adorable, calm, kind, caring, bright 3 year old DSD , Year’s ago, when I was looking after her bit another child quite badly and very deliberately.

After giving the other child lots of comfort and attention, I asked DSD why she did it.
“ I was being a lion. That’s what lions do “
“ when we are pretending to be a lion we must take care to only pretend to bite”
She looked at me completely baffled.
As far as she was concerned she was being a lion, not pretending to be a lion.

3 year olds have not yet developed ‘theory of mind’. They can’t reliably predict how another person will feel.

If they are being a pirate it will seem important to them to vanquish whoever in their mind is being the baddie. That is why they need close supervision.

So tell him to STFU! He can be furious. He can have all the feels he wants. Because trust me. He wouldn't be more angry than I would if some shitty parents had allowed their child to cause mine to need stitches and had done nothing.

You can give him the choice. He tells them in a very nice way that at present you want to keep the boys apart while they're so young.

Or you tell them. In a very not nice way.

Seriously grow a spine! You are the one posting that this is an issue but you refuse to action any of the suggestions given.

As long as the two children are kept apart, how your DH chooses to do this is his problem and I’d let him crack on. Let him do the talking, the excuses, whatever. You enjoy your life and your baby.

You could always move to Australia? Then you would have a good reason to avoid them.

so your DH won't prioritise his son, and you are scared to do so as he'll be furious?

Have I understood that right?

I don’t know how people spend time with anyone that they can’t be honest with
Family innit. Every month or two we visit for the day. I’m not mad keen and it’s obvious that BIL isn’t either, but we both put up with it because DH/SIL/MIL want to see each other. But DH’s family is weird, they keep secrets and are very closed, daren’t say things to each other in case they cause offence or someone takes the huff (which they all do quite frequently).

Example: one time we were out shopping and SIL was trying on shoes that were way too small. I helpfully said they look really small shall I fetch the next size? And she stormed off and didn’t speak to me or DH for weeks because apparently I’d called her fat by implying that she had fat feet. MIL has been dating someone for 18 months but we aren’t allowed to meet him and she won’t tell us why. She wouldn’t even tell us where he lives so we could post a thank you card for the Xmas gift he sent. Etc etc. Of course DH doesn’t dare to criticise his sister’s parenting, he’s been socialised to say nothing for fear of someone taking a massive huff.

And she stormed off and didn’t speak to me or DH for weeks because apparently I’d called her fat by implying that she had fat feet

😂

That is odd. But I am an adult and I know what size feet I have. Perhaps better to let her get on with things like that on her own.

Why do you feel this cringy need to make excuses? Just say sorry but after an A and E visit then playtime is off the table until DN learns how to play with others.

You could always move to Australia? Then you would have a good reason to avoid them.
This actually sounds like a good option to me! Then we wouldn’t have to see them at all

I think flat out honesty is the only option here. I'm all for treading carefully and avoiding family strife about all the trivial stuff people on Mumsnet get worked up about, but when your child has already been physically injured you actually have a responsibility to be very clear about why your child cannot be in the company of his cousin.

I can't help but think you're walking into an even worse situation. Your DN is going to be bigger than your DS until they're in their teens. If he's this aggressive now and his parents aren't doing anything to sort it, chances are he will just continue on this aggressive path.

But, I can see why you want to try. For now, say what the other posters have said, that the boys are at different stages, and don't play well together right now. Re the 'pyjama party' at grandmas, just say 'I'd prefer for DS to be at home thanks'. No need to give a reason really.

I think i agree with thedevilinablackdress, just leave it to your DH and keep out of it.

Who cares if it starts to become obvious or stupid your making excuses? Eventually it will cause an argument. Or you'll all just end up being polite in that awkward "i won't say anything if you won't" way for years.

But none of the business. I think you're being very good to compromise with the DH by respecting his albeit daft stance on this thing.

But whatever. Just say to your DH what you think you should do (i.e. say something) but it's his family and this his problem. Keep your stress down by but getting involved.

Leave it to him to explain why they are advoiding the DN. Just allow all communication to go through DH. Eventually it will come out but you don't have to let it be your problem.

They sound deranged.

The problem is that your DH is going to get the explosion he’s trying to avoid one way or another. I doubt they haven’t figured it out, and will have a go about it sometime soon. Maybe point that out to him, that its better to deal with it than to wait for them to raise it.

We had this with a family member and as much as we tried to avoid, another family member would arrange 'playdates' with said child when ours was being looked by the other relative.

So we had to nip it in the bud as it was causing further conflict to the wider family.
Yes we were the bad guys for a while and the relationship between the adults is still strained. However it became apparent that we weren't the only people that were being affected by the child's violence, a few others came forward to say they were experiencing the same treatment and wanted our advices.

Few years in, the child is much better behaved, the children are great friends, my child knows I will fight their corner and I honestly couldn't give a damn about the relationship between us adults.
Looking back, the other thing I'd change would be dealing with it sooner.

But the avoiding, making excuses that your DH is intending to do isn't going to work long term.
Is he eventually going to fold, because he runs out of excuses or it gets too awkward, in order to spare SIL's feelings?
She might get the huff if you tell her "no because the last time they were together, DS ended up in A&E" but at least it'll be done.

so you are waiting for your child to be old enough to stand for himself when you won't stand up for him or yourselves, seriously, how the hell do you think he is going to learn to stand up for himself with ye two to learn from?

This is harsh...but ultimately fair, I’m afraid. Who is the priority here - your baby son or your husband’s sister? You need to get him to think about it in those terms too. In the long run, it’s also likely to be completely counterproductive as well; the penny will eventually drop that you’ve been avoiding them and they will still be huffy about it (and, actually, probably more so, since from their point of view you will look sneaky). Better all round just to be honest, in as non-judgemental way as possible. The pp’s suggestion of “the boys don’t get on and DS is too little to cope/is coming off worse” is a good way to do it.

I'd just be honest. "Look sil, ds is shit scared of dn after being whacked in the face and having to have stitches. Ds doesn't want to see dn / We'd prefer it if they were kept apart or you keep your little monster child under control"

I wouldn't care about upsetting them. Also if they come to yours it may be easier, as you can discipline their child in your home, whereas somewhere else would be harder. A firm "we don't behave like that in this house" is usually more for the parents effect than the kids.

I’d keep them apart and explain to your SIL BIL you are nervous about your child being hurt again after the facial stitches issue .
But he’s 3 and baby also you are making out like he’s a devil child or something he really won’t have the cognitive maturity to hate or be knowingly nasty . That said the parents should understand why you are nervous to have them together .

How old was your DN when he hurt your child? I ask because there is quite a difference in a 2yr old and a 3 year old child's behaviour and reasoning,and you may well find that he is a different child to when you last saw him. Saying that I would not chance my baby being near him without me there to protect him should he need it,so I would be honest about your fears to your MIL if not your SIL/BIL, but do give the cousins another chance to mix when you are there to keep an eye on things.

You need to address this head on not avoid the issues which you are doing right now!
I am assuming sil/bil know your child needed medical attention after their child hit him?
You may not want, like or enjoy the confrontation BUT this is your child. By burying your heads and avoiding rather than dealing with things you're going to be teaching your son to avoid rather than fave problems.
It's hard - bloody hard - but is am aspect of parenting we all have to learn and go through and you and your hubby need to be honest.

Equally, if someone else's child hits your child etc etc you are perfectly entitled to say no, ask parent to step in with their child or simply ask them to leave if they do nothing.

Your child comes first end of. Of they or your mil have a problem with that it's THEIR problem NOT yours x

By not saying anything you are teaching your son not to be assertive. I would intervene when something happens. At the time. Say “No” to the nephew if he tries to hurt your son. Teach your son to say “No” too. And tell the parents the behaviour is not acceptable.
If you put up with the behaviour, you are teaching your son that it is acceptable for someone to treat him (or you) in that way.
You are also teaching him to be avoidant and scared of conflict. By intervening, and putting down a clear boundary you will teach him about self worth and assertiveness.