To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

DH won’t criticise their son or their parenting in case it causes a rift or upsets them
But their kid can send your kid to A&E and that’s ok?

He’d be furious if I created a scene and alienated his sister after he’s specifically said he wants to keep the peace and just avoid them.
And? He doesn’t get to decide this alone. How about you’ll be furious that he refuses to stick up for your son? All that will happen in 2 years is, there will be a 5 year old picking on a 3 year old. Then a 7 year old picking on a 5 year old.

It won’t magically go away, your DH needs to grow a set of balls and let his family know he won’t stand for your son being a punchbag. And if he won’t, you need to do it. Because sure as hell when they are older, he won’t think it’s important to keep them apart and your son will continued to be bullied.

Toddlers have next to no impulse control, they don't think like adults, he won't have done this as maliciously as you think.

Perhaps not. But when he's done it, the appropriate thing to do is to make it clear to him that it's not acceptable behaviour, to apologise and to make the DN give a genuine apology too. Not to act like it's not an issue, which is what the parents did.

And have you missed the bit where the OP said that when she tried to get the DN to play nicely when he was trying to grab a toy off her DS, the DN bit her. He has form.

He does have form. He bites and tantrums if he doesn’t get his own way. He snatches every toy DS touches and screams Mine! Even if the toys actually belong to DS. He piles the toys up behind his back and guards them from DS. And if DS reaches for a toy he attacks him.

I don’t think it’s his fault. But SIL doesn’t discipline him. She laughs when he guards piles of toys. She doesn’t tell him it’s not yours, it’s DS’s. She brought gifts for him to DS’s birthday party so he didn’t feel left out. She took him to the loo then obviously let him poke round my house because he came back with toys that I’d put in the spare room behind closed doors out of his way. When he tantrums and behaves badly she doesn’t remove him or even tell him off. The problem is entirely with her permissive parenting and lack of discipline. The main reason I want DS kept away from him isn’t because he hit him - it’s because he wasn’t disciplined for hitting so he’ll do it again and maybe cause more serious injury next time

I’ve told DH that I wash my hands of the situation - DS isn’t going near DN and it’s up to him what excuses he makes or what he tells SIL.

I honestly couldn't bear to be with someone like your dh it'd drive me nuts!!

And frankly if they take the huff over you rightly saying they're lax parents win win!

Don't have to see them don't have to put your son at risk!

I would have told the nephew off but then most of my family and friends wouldn't have an issue with that at all.

Although it wouldn't actually be necessary unless the parents weren't there as the parents themselves would have been horrified, instantly disciplined their child and probably offered us a lift to a&e.

The one exception is my sister who's a Fucking nightmare and if there's a dispute between her kids and someone else's kids NEVER accepts her kids are to blame even when it's blatantly bloody obvious - but then that's one of many reasons I'm Nc with her. Life's too bloody short to put up with that crap!

Your dh needs therapy with a therapist that understands toxic family dynamics and assertiveness training.

As I said at beginning of post I'd be equally mad at him for his lack of defending your son as sil & bil for their shit parenting!

*Perhaps not. But when he's done it, the appropriate thing to do is to make it clear to him that it's not acceptable behaviour, to apologise and to make the DN give a genuine apology too. Not to act like it's not an issue, which is what the parents did.

And have you missed the bit where the OP said that when she tried to get the DN to play nicely when he was trying to grab a toy off her DS, the DN bit her. He has form.*

Should the parents have acted like it wasn't an issue? No. They failed there. And I said as much. They should absolutely have corrected the boy and made it clear that that behaviour was in no way acceptable.

He's 3. He's not got 'form'. He's a toddler. He did something wrong because he doesn't know how to properly control himself or understand the consequences of his actions. They don't have empathy like adults or older children do. That is a skill they learn not something they are born with. They are egos with legs at that age.

sounds like dn's behaviour has been blown out of proportion in your mind. Yes it is awful what happened to your ds, but dn is also little, he did not have a look of hatred, that is just ridiculous. dn hasn't learnt actions have consequences , but when it affects you and your dc, there's nothing wrong with stepping in and telling dn off. What happens when your ds is bigger, if you have another baby ds could just as easily give baby a whack, would not make him an undisciplined devil child, but rather a child who's small and hasn't learnt empathy?
Anyway, I'd not leave ds for a sleepover with mil, but i would meet up with the dc's again, 5 months is ages for a 3 year old, so hecould easily have calmed down.

My SIL's Stepmother reckoned our niece had ''evil eyes''... even as a toddler!

That is a skill they learn not something they are born with

How’s he going to manage that then with ineffective parents? OP telling him off if and when necessary isn’t going to have a huge impact is it?

Why do people have such low expectations of 3 year olds?!
By 3 I'd fully expect my child not to randomly walk up to a baby and hit them with a toy! And if they did I'd read them the riot act.

I’ve told DH that I wash my hands of the situation - DS isn’t going near DN and it’s up to him what excuses he makes or what he tells SIL.
Exactly the right approach but you forgot mil. And if she suggests something ‘we’ll check the calendar and dh will get back to you’
For this night out you say to dh that your ds is staying at your house with a babysitter with instructions to let no one but you in. He can tell mil whatever he likes. I’d warn him though that if his aversion to conflict ever extends to taking ds without you and getting him hurt you will need at best marriage counselling, because you won’t be with someone who won’t put his son’s safety first.
Oh and don’t move to Australia. They’d come visit and stay with you FOR A MONTH.

Nothing g this bad but when my child was 2 or 3 and we have friends with toddlers over and they didn't want to share, screamed, hit the cat, etc., I would say very firmly, "We don't act like that in this house. You need to mind your manners and share (or whatever) or you will have to leave." No parents complained and toddlers obeyed. Sometimes I really think they like firm, clear rules.

I would've ALREADY HAD a confrontation about the injury your child suffered. Fuck that fuckin' shit!!!!

What are you actually asking for advice about?

If this was my sibling or inlaw and this had happened to my child, you'd better believe I'd have ripped them a new one by now. Why are you letting your husband dictate to you in this matter? You're both massively failing your child. Any fall out would be welcome if it meant never seeing these dreadful people again.

WHY does your pathetic excuse of a husband care more about his nephew than his own child? I couldn't be with someone like that and I'd tell him he either steps up and acts like a parent or he can piss off and live with the beloved nephew seeing as he obviously cares more and prioritises him over his own child.

I think you are doing the right thing and avoiding a re-match. I think you are alos doing what 99% of us do by going with the flow of family dynamics. Find more inventive excuses or recycle some of the old ones but if they ask you a direct question then give them a direct answer. You don't have to be rude just tell them why on this occasion you want to continue to keep them apart. Don't tell them you have lied previously obviously.

With the sleepover, say you have already booked 'janet' the babysitter, you won't let her down and that DS loves her and can't wait to see her.
I lie all the time to avoid one particular set of family members. The difference is that I don't care if they think/know I'm lying. If they questioned it I would say something like, "Well we do have pretty differing views you have to admit". That puts the ball back in their court a bit too.

So your DH was sitting with your DS when DN came up and hit him in the face with an object that you describe as a “weapon” - did your DH not try to stop him/ move your DS? If he was sitting with them surely he was supervising and able to intervene? Surely if you see a toddler with a “weapon” you’re on high alert for them knocking things over, hitting people etc?

did your DH not try to stop him

🙄 Things often happen quickly. Any toy can be a weapon in the hand of a small child.

Your dn's behaviour will come back to haunt your in laws,when he goes to school. A friend has a similar approach to your sil and now her son is 8 and his behaviour has only got worse. He is constantly in trouble & the school has had enough of him. He is out of control and is bearing the consequences from other people for his behaviour. He doesn't get invited to parties or play dates and people keep him away from thier kids. If your sil doesn't take control then this is what's going to happen.

Guadalquivir19

Yes and the parents still won’t step in, apologise or issue consequences.

Seen it many times

OP everywhere you said you've seen your dn do things, hoard toys etc, it's just a pity you your dh or mil didn't say something to the child. I know I've already said this but he's only three. Where you said that he said 'mine how did none of you say e.g. sharing is caring? I know it's the parent's fault, but he's your dh's blood relative, I find it so sad nobodys stopping this now. I truly believe it takes a village, and you're all just stepping away.