To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

OP - from what l can see, this isn't your problem. Let your DH deal with the phonecalls and making excuses to not meet up.

If they contact you, bat it over to DH to deal with "...oh so lovely you phoned SIL/MIL/BIL. Yes, we must organise a date. I'll get DH to call you" ... and let him have the stress of thinking up excuses

Going forward can't you choose to meet at venues where a 3 year old won't be interested in a 1 year old eg the park? Plenty of running around then a quick McDonald's or similar, he will grow out of it most likely

Why are you concerning yourself about how to manage a situation your DH has entirely manufactured?

It's his family. He has decided to not tell his sister your (collective, understandable) concerns, and to keep the kids separated until the nephew is more mature.
So let him deal with it all.

If anyone contacts you about plans/getting together just always say 'Oh I'll check with DH'. He's decided all this nonsense, don't get yourself dragged into any of it.

MIL or SIL. “Lets get together with the kids” etc etc
OP “sorry that wont work for us”
MIL or SIL “why not, or when would work” etc
OP “You will have to talk to DH about it, sorry”. Repeat ad nauseam

This maintains your stance of keeping the dc apart but puts the ball squarely into DH court since he is the one refusing to consider an open conversation with his family

Fir goodness sake. Man up and tell them the truth. For the sake of both children.

Easily resolved by being honest. I’m sure everyone would understand why you didn’t want someone near your child after they hurt him so much he wound up in A&E .

How did you want her to discipline a 3-yr-old?
Remove the toy, perhaps permanently. Tell him off. Put him in a time out or simply put him in the car and take him home, to drive home the point that this sort of behaviour has consequences - you were really naughty so you’re being taken away from grandma’s house before you’ve had any cake.

NOT just “say sorry” with a big grin on his face and then let him continue playing with the toy and stay for cake while we’re at hospital.

Whilst it is of course awful that your child was hurt so badly that they needed stitches and it is completely understandable that you want to protect them, the way you are talking about your nephew, who is only 3, is really concerning. Toddlers have next to no impulse control, they don't think like adults, he won't have done this as maliciously as you think. Rest assured your DS will have his moments once toddler-dom hits him, would you be happy for someone to talk about him or to ostracise him this way? It's the parents who failed here, not the child.

As far as this situation goes keeping them apart for a while is a good idea, it's been 5 months now, your nephew is likely a totally different child, maybe just give it a try, closely supervised and if it kicks off again then by all means keep them away from each other. I would however let your SIL know the reason why. Making up excuses to avoid them isn't sustainable forever. Someone needs to address this.

He's only three so you can still help him not turn into a bold kid. Have him over and give out to him around your relations if you need to (obviously not being ott, just a 'oh don't be doing that,' or 'watch out for...' ). he's only a toddler and still learning and your brother and sister in law aren't helping him by not disciplining him, he's young enough to change but how can he change if they don't have it spelt out to them. A simple 'you don't mean to be bold' or something could open your eyes but instead you're hoping he'll grow out of it.
Also try not to let a one year old and a three year old play too closely without having an adult right there to take one away if necessary (have four kids each two years apart so that's just from experience!;) Try to stop seeing him as a threat and see him just as a little kid again. It's really sad that he's losing family over something he doesn't have fun control over (again, he's THREE)

FGS ‘how do expect her to discipline a 3 year old?’

It is not difficult to instil respect for others in a 3 year old.

Remove toy straightaway, being clear as to what the action was that you disapprove of, and explaining the need to apologise. ‘You should not hit other children. If you’re going to hit with this toy then you can’t have it. Please say you’re sorry to X.’

100% a Dh problem. He doesn't want to upset SIL/MIL but would be 'furious' if you said anything.
You and DS are not his priority and you should be.

Well, if DH isn't going to say anything for fear of causing a huff, and you're not going to say anything because DH doesn't want you to, then I'd leave it 100% to him to come up with increasingly ridiculous excuses. Just make sure he doesn't blame any of it you on OP.

I would have thought that fobbing off MIL and SIL with ridiculous excuses for the next two years is also likely to cause a huff. I can't believe that MIL won't get upset when your DH constantly refuses to allow her time on her own with your DS.

A three year old would not set out to injure a child with the intent of sending it to A&E. It might bash a child, to get a reaction probably, but not out of 'hatred'.

Make no mistake, this 3yo is a liability. But it doesn't hate your DC.

A simple 'you don't mean to be bold'
Bold?! You mean naughty? 😂🙄

Is good not naughty? ( genuine question), and I'm talking about cases it's applicable to and so her all can hear the word 'bold and maybe connect the dots ( sorry, my post wasn't very clear!)

They always use 'bold' at nursery, if memory serves.

OP - are you taking any of this on board, about your DH?

That was meant to be bold, not good!!!

Bold is used by a lot of Irish people for naughty quite common here

I have 3 yo nephews. I also have a 6 month old nephew who in the early days got a toy or two thrown at him. The best way to deal with this is by telling the 3 yo what they did was wrong and to apologise to the person they hit. If they refuse then put them on the naughty step. Parent doesn’t have to do it, you could. In fact I have often done that in front of my brother (who doesn’t discipline so his son is a horror) - it occasionally caused friction between us but who cares?

A simple 'you don't mean to be bold'

I assumed in context it meant naughty - but TBH I wouldn't ask anything like that of a 3 year old.

I'd state we don't do that - or if I wanted a response - we don't do that DO WE with accompanying glare.

Depending on child and situation I might tack on why - why don't do that - and with older child prompt them to say why we don't do that.

I mean what would you do if they replied that yes they did mean to be naughty - it seems a weak position to then move on from.

OP, some people will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid confrontation. It's infuriating and causes more problems - as you've noticed.

It's not really their fault. And it's not that they don't have a backbone. They think it's easier because it's the way they've been brought up. I think some PPs don't get that and it's very easy to say: 'I'd do this or that' when it's not you.

But you are allowing your DH's family dynamic to affect you against your better judgment. You don't want to upset him because he'll get huffy. I recognise that feeling. He's learned how to do it from his family. But you have to break this because you are teaching your son the same thing.

You've had two good suggestions: those PPs who've advised telling your MIL that the boys don't really get along at the moment so a sleepover won't be happening, but when the phase has passed they're sure to be be great mates.

Or those that say let your husband make the excuses and let him learn the consequences of not quietly standing up for himself.

Amusing as I find the second option, I'd go for the first. He'll get huffy and angry with you but just ride it out.

I'm sure the boys will be friends eventually. But if not, it doesn't matter. We can choose our friends but not our family.

If DH doesn't want to rock the boat, can you just make it his responsibility to come up with excuses? So it doesn't stress you out. I mean - you've got a solution to this problem - explain the boys don't get on so you'd like to keep them apart for a bit, especially since last tome he ended up in A&E. If DH wants to try something else, let him. Are you worried he'll cave? If they ask you directly, refer to DH 'Oh I think DH has something planned then'.

Alternatively, very annoying to do, use their own manner of communication / negotiation. Let it be known that you are SO distressed, traumatised, hurt, let down, betrayed that they have disregarded the terrible VIOLENCE meted out on your precious baby. You can't allow it to happen again and are HORRIFIED that they would consider it. So the cousins meeting will not be happening. If they raise it to your face you will simply DISSOLVE in tears. Painful but effective?

I am flabbergasted by this. What age is an appropriate age to say something to BIL/SIL? 5/10/15? Your poor son with no one to stick up for him.

I have a problem very similar, though the violence isnt there. SIL very weakly dsiciplines and DN is extremely poorly behaved and very jealous. I dont allow DS to see his cousin without his dad or I there. Had there been your scale of violence, I would have told SIL why we werent seeing DN anymore.

I think a pp is right and you need to think about the long term message you are sending to your DS

Flabbergasted is a bit strong.

OP just needs to take it in hand

I would say to MIL & SIL very politely but firmly ‘no that’s not a good idea is it after last time’ with raised eyebrows then leave it. Honestly they must know you’re avoiding them after 5 months.
As for your DH prioritising keeping the peace after his baby son is scarred - it’s really bizarre behaviour !