To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

I don't think you can keep them apart for much longer without causing a rift anyway. I'd just be up front and say you are protecting DS from the boy's behaviour as you don't want another trip to A&E.

There will be a huge row but at least it will be over.

Why will ther be a 'huge row' though? The kid ended up in A and E FFS! The correct response is 'fair point, well made. sorry about that!'

Waiting until your DC is old enough to stand up for himself is terrible. Tell them you want to keep them apart. If they ask why, tell them you don't want an A and E re-run but it should not be beyond them to assume this anyway surely or are they really that bloody thick?

I'd just bite the bullet and be honest. Some people might be all "bit it's famileeeeeeee" but sod that, protecting your child is your priority

Again, I think honesty is far and away the best policy and you need to be confident that your child is safe and closely supervise when the children are together. However, given that your nephew is 3, is it not possible that he will be developing more impulse control and understanding? To write him off forever based on his three year old behaviour seems rather harsh.

I know you want to avoid a difficult conversation with them and MIL. But they’re going to know something’s up if you keep avoiding them anyway, and will likely start to get annoyed about it. You’re risking causing offence either way, whether you avoid face to face contact without explanation, or whether you tell them the truth.

So why not try honesty? Tell them that for now, because of the A&E incident, you want the children kept apart. Maybe you’ll feel more relaxed about it when both children are older.

were they there for the A&E incident? what did they say/do?
Other than that what is the nature of his misbehaviour? I am struggling with the fact that you have had a problem with him for ages and he is only 3 now. How does it differ from normal toddler behaviour? A&E is bad but (without knowing the situation) most people are vigilant when toddlers are around babies as they can hurt them either accidentally or possibly on purpose (through jealously for example)

Urgh, tricky one. I think you have to be honest.

we’re running out of excuses.

Apart from "since X ended up in A&E we would rather keep the boys apart"

My niece was like this. I would say you've already booked your own babysitter. If your nephew comes over again. Remember it's your house so your rules. You have to discipline naughty behaviour. Your child in vulnerable, you have to protect him and step In.

If you've kept them apart for 5 months it's quite possible your nephew has started to behave better as he's gotten older? Just deal with it, this is a bit pathetic and silky really.

Keeping everyone apart isn;t helping anyone OP. I have a similar issue heres what I do to handle it..
So my DD aged 7 plays with her nephew aged 9...now this boy is seriously out of control and so badly parented you would not believe...everytime he hits,nips,swears or grabs toys she is playing with I say No...we do not do those things here..we play nicely..if you cant play nicely you have to go home.I do this every single time and I do not feel bad one iota for pulling him into line even though his useless parents just sit there dumb.If he is at my home he behaves properly.My daiughter loves him,she really does but he always goes too far and there are tears but I keep going.I show my dd I will stand up and protect her and show the parents I am not having it...sort of trying to lead by example if you will....its taken over 3 years but it works,He does listen and his behaviour has improved.The parents are still so slack but i never feel guilty about shouting.Its better now a million percent than it used to be,there still are odd blips but these are smaller and less frequent.We only see them maybe 6 times a year due to distance but my record never changes and he knows where the boundaries are at our house....He would be a lovely little boy if he was parented properly but thats never going to happen but while he is here with us we are clear we dont have that behaviour and in credit to him he does toe the line mostly...Thing is really I suppose what I am getting at is we all have to be a family,,,we all have to engage and see each other and we cant just chuck the towel in over this issue (even if sometimes that would have been the easier option!!) So someone has to sort it ...Stop lying and trying to deflect the issue,No need for that however good your intentions are,just tackle each incident of bad behaviour there and then,then carry on,So next time dont hide ..firmly say No Jack we dont do that..give it back to Milly and say sorry...thats not being a good boy and if you don;t be kind you will have to go home...no drama just be straight ....I do understand your fears and wanting to protect your little one but maybe through your boundaries you could be helping show the way forward too....

What level of injury did he have to have to go to A&E? Did he need stitches/scans? How long was he in for? Surely everyone will have seen the significant aftermath and it will be documented in the discharge paperwork!

Well why dont you and your dh be adults about it and say that since he had to go to A&E due to their child, they wont be playing for a while. Stop dancing around with excuses. Which parent is going to be ok with their child being hit. You dont need to justify your reasons.

What level of injury did he have to have to go to A&E? Did he need stitches/scans? How long was he in for? Surely everyone will have seen the significant aftermath and it will be documented in the discharge paperwork!
Yes more info is needed. On the face of it it seems odd that you feel grown adults cannot protect your toddler from a 3 yo. If your child needed to go to a & e it sounds as though he must have used some sort of 'implement'??

We have this issue. I've found that the only thing that works is essentially doing their parenting for them. If any child hurts mine, then I don't care who they are, I'm going to tell them to stop if no one else will. So every time it happened I got down to the child's level, used the firm but cross voice, told them they wouldn't be allowed back to my house if they behaved like that etc. The mum was furious but said nothing. Not that I gave a shit, she knows where the door is.

Child now behaves beautifully for me.

Just be tactfully direct.

See them but say “Dn is too young to understand how fragile babies are” “awww, isn’t he lovely, I love 3 year olds but they need close supervision around babies”

Presumably they know your baby was injured?

See them but keep your baby in your arms / on your lap etc

Oh, sorry, your child is 1 so can’t stay in your arms.

Still, close supervision.

And I agree I wouldn’t leave them together with MIL.

Was the hitting in the face an accident or a very deliberate act?

For the sake of your own sanity and your sons safety just tell them sorry we don't feel it's safe for our son to be around your son at moment when he was last with him he caused him to end up in A&E and as his parents we just don't feel happy putting him in that situation ever again until your son is able to control his outbursts

I really wouldn't give a damn causing offence to anyone else if it meant my son was safer

This is serious and needs to be addressed

I actually think you have a DH problem rather than a SIL/BIL problem...

Your baby ended up in hospital and it sounds like your DH would rather avoid seeing them and cause a rift / awkwardness anyway or see them and let it happen again rather than say anything

I think you just need to say as above "since X ended up in A&E we would rather keep the boys apart until they are older”

Telling them how to parent is rude, that was until it started to affect your own child then rules are off the table. Stand up for your son and just tell the truth. You don't wanna offend them but they're gna get offended anyway when they start clocking on your avoiding them.

Whilst I would like to say that honesty is the best policy and you should say what the real issue is, has anyone actually received a satisfactory result from telling shitty parents that their devil's spawn children are bullies/nasty/undisciplined/naughty? (Albeit in a nice polite non-confrontational way?) because in my experience, they do not want to hear it and will get defensive.

They live with their children. They know what they act like. They are fine with their children biting, hitting, tormenting or snatching. They know their kids do it. They CHOOSE not to deal with it and 99% of the time will refuse to listen to criticism the truth..

I know at least two kids that are nasty violent little bullies and no matter how many parents have to go to their doors, the mum and dads only deny it completely or have a go at the parents who are telling them there's an issue. They never punish or discipline their kids.

OP, just go with the "The boys don't seem to get along so it's best to keep them apart until they're older"

Even if you don't mind a rift, the result will not be what you need it to be, which is BIL and SIL parenting their child better.

A 3 year old hitting a 1 year old in the face is not on, but it's not rare either. I think 3 is the most difficult age. It's hard to know how proportionate you are being without knowing how injured your ds was and whether your trip to A and E was necessary. I took my pfb to A and E when a toddler dropped a plastic cup on his head. Looking back at it it was a complete over reaction on my part.
So, did your nephew hurt your son so badly that he needed A and E, in which case he needs help himself, or was your response in retrospect a bit of an over reaction and DS was fine and needed no treatment? The fact that your mum seems to think she can handle both boys suggests that he is not perceived as having severe behaviour problems in general?

Beware the self righteousness of heavily judging toddler behaviour (eg biting, snatching, hitting) when your own child has yet to reach that very challenging age - a lesson I and many other parents have had to learn....

Actually I'd start seeing them again but eyes like a hawk on, always touching distance from DS and would be firm on the discipline with DN. If they get offended I'd be honest and say either someone disciplines him or we do not see you. They need to know how bad his behaviour is.

Two and three year olds seem enormous to parents if one year olds, and they are still too young to have reliable control over their impulses or strength understand the impact of what they do. Three year olds are still very very young.

They do need close supervision and any adult present can supply it. Be right there. Without being angry or heavy handed you can say “no hitting! / careful hands / lets use our gentle hands / Dc is too little to do that / not near Ds! / “ all in what I used to call my ‘and that’s the end of it’ voice.