To avoid my nephew

[Peachsummer]

He’s three and we’re running out of excuses to avoid him. His behaviour is atrocious and SIL/BIL don’t discipline him. It was less of an issue until I had my own DS and now I feel I need to protect my child from him.

I know what you’ll say - I have a SIL/BIL problem not a nephew problem! But DH and I feel it isn’t our place to discipline him and SIL/BIL would be offended if we did. DH refuses to “cause a rift” by saying anything.

Since he hit 1yo DS in the face hard enough to go to A&E we’ve been making excuses to avoid them when they visit MIL and finding reasons not to visit them when they suggest it. DS has had “flu”, he’s been “contagious” with a rash, we’ve been “on holiday”, we’ve had “tickets for an event”... always so very sorry that we can’t make it. It’s five months since we saw them and we’re running out of excuses.

DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

What?! Seriously if your DC has been hurt - enough that you went to A&E - why would
you pussy foot around it. His behaviour is unacceptable and if they don't discipline him and keep his behaviour in check then you can't see them end of. It really is that black and white.

In what universe does he think avoiding his sister's family for two years won't alienate her?!

Your last few posts do make me wonder if he has considered the kind of model for healthy relationships he wants to teach his child? Because what you're describing is a pretty toxic, unhealthy way of relating to other people that your DH is going to normalise for your child growing up if he doesn't change his own behaviour.

I truly don't mean this in a nasty way. I think your DH may need to be brave enough to reflect on his own behaviour, what it will teach his child, the patterns it will create in his child's future relationships, and whether he too needs to look at making changes - not just your nephew.

Assertive communication is not remotely the same as aggression. Assertiveness respects other people for starters, but without neglecting or damaging your own interests in the way he is now.

There is worlds apart between ‘creating a scene’ and your husband’s passive ‘do nothing’.

I agree with something like the above Since DS ended up in a&e we think its best to keep them apart until he is bigger and DN had better control but I also think your DH should get a bit of a backbone.

If either of you are interested, this may be helpful: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Even if it's just for looking at how to deal with this one situation in a way that doesn't cause conflict.

Thing is unless they step up he’s going to have these issues at school and parents won’t invite him to parties or play dates

And then they’ll be on here saying their kid is being bullied

If I were bil/sil I would be pissed off at the lame excuses. If you'd said right from the get go the real issue then i'd be naturally upset but nowhere near how foolish and stupid i'd feel if i'd been lied to for months. The problem you have is you have started down this road of lying and now when you say the real issue (as you are going to have to sooner or later) they are going to feel embarrassed, and embarrassed people don't usually react well.

You may now fall out for a long time or at least have a massive cooling off between you. Not because of the original issue but because of the excuses you've been making.

Rubbish - I doubt BIL/SIL are that stupid! Of coarse they know your avoiding their kid after that incident!!

I’d keep lying - let them bring it up first

You are riding for a fall op. One day it will be o e of your dc who has hit/bit/scratched another kid,. You will e mortified and some other parent will be rubbing in the salt demonising your toddler for acting like a toddler.
You and your dh, 2 grown adults, could easily protect your ds from being hit (did bells not ring when you saw your dn approach with a 'look of hatred on his face' and a weighty toy in his hand)
This is all about you determined to get you pound of flesh and prove how much better you are than your in-laws

Just tell the truth!! You are making things so much worse by lying. And maybe supervise your own children better so they aren't getting hurt. You are more to blame than a little 3 year old.

I'm sure they do Greentulips. Or at least suspect. But once it comes to a head it will be brought up as why they are hurt and they can act defensively because the OP has lied to them. No one likes their children or their parenting to be criticised and will cling to any sense of injustice as a form of distraction. If MIL is close to SIL she might even fall on their 'side'. Not being honest will have given them a back door out.

@SajeW23 her husband who's knee the baby was sitting on would be to blame. Not the OP.

Well they haven’t effectively lied have they? They have avoided and had other plans but not strictly lied

I don’t think you have DH problem, your DH is on board with keeping DS away from his cousin. Just let your DH come up with all excuses, even if they sound shit or unbelievable. It’s his weird family dynamic, not yours. If anyone questions your excuses just say DH will be in touch and let him deal with any queries.

As you said, your main concern is keeping DS away from his cousin. If your DH is onboard with that but doesn’t want to tell the truth let him do all the metal gymnastics in coming up with convoluted excuses. Wash your hands of it.

You can't keep on with the excuses for ever! That's just ridiculous. You need to tell them why, and I would certainly discipline the other child if he upset/hurt mine too

Of course the OP has a DH problem. Her DH has no backbone with his family but is more than happy to be 'furious' with his DW for rocking the boat with them.

I think you're ascribing adult motivations to a child's act. You talk about your DN as if he is Damien. Your DH (rightly) may be worried that will slip through in any conversation with SIL.
However, I think it's fine to say you want to keep them apart for a while after the accident.
I'm interested that you said SIL didn't discipline him, just told him to say 'sorry'. How did you want her to discipline a 3-yr-old? What response from them would have been adequate to you?

I'd worry less about upsetting everyone and have them worry about upsetting you.

I'd ring and say babysitting is already sorted but you’re not happy for them to meet without you there and your still very upset about A & E trip and the permeant scar and hurt how because it's your child no one seems bothered.

Your DH should also be more worried about protecting his child and upsetting you. I'm astonished that he failed to protect a child sat in his lap - I say that with three children - I wonder if he was more worried about upsetting his sister.

It doesn’t have to be a blazing row – say no with a smile and distract or better yet distract the before the situation rises. If there is any sulking – ignore it.

As PP pointed out a child at three does change very quickly as they are still very young – if he’s starting nursery or school he’ll rapidly be learning more socialisation skills.

I'd be pretty upset if you called my 3 year old violent/look of hatred on their face so I'd use a lot less emotive language. I'd give your nephew another chance and closely supervise.

This message from a pp seems perfect and not accusatory:

it’s less stressful at the moment to keep the kids apart: Dn is too young to manage his impulses or understand his strength and Ds is too little. To be honest we don’t want to put either child in the position of Ds getting injured like last time

Don't you think they'll be offended already by your many obvious excuses to avoid contact?

@Peachsummer - DH had the bright idea to see them for an adults only night out - so technically we’ve seen them but DS is kept away from nephew. The plan was for them to get a babysitter at home and drive 45 mins to meet us at a restaurant. Except now MIL has butted in and said whoopee both boys can have a pyjama party at grandma’s! NO WAY is my DS going anywhere near that kid without my close supervision! So now we’re desperately wondering what “emergency” we can invent to get out of it. And in the longer term what do we do?!

Just reply (like a broken record) - MiL, that doesn't work for us at the moment.
or
MiL, that doesn't suit us at the moment.

Don't expand on it. Don't offer any more information that just that it doesn't work or doesn't suit.

If someone is attacking your child you don't have to wait for the dopey, careless parents to intervene, you wouldn't have avoided intervening with a strange child would you? Tell the little sod off, even if his parents are there, they don't have the right to enable their son to be a bullying shit.
It's not fair to your nephew to just avoid them
So you're saying you would choose your nephew's well-being over your son's?

Sorry but your DH is being an absolute idiot and frankly you need to stop worrying about whether or not he’s going to be furious and just tell his sister, and everyone else, the truth.

The making excuses will be seen as the same. I'd bet money on it.

I was in a vaguely similar situation once where 2 friends were avoiding me rather than dealing with something. At first it seemed a bit strange that they were always busy etc then I started to get upset and tried to pin them down, but no responses. When it eventually came to a head I was furious and upset. I felt such a fool. I kept imagining them sitting about talking about 'how can we avoid Koala'. That was way worse than if they just told me outright The original issue would have upset me but I would have taken it on the chin, but the fact they decided for me that I wouldn't deal with it well was offensive. I felt like a child that everyone had to protect from the truth. They also had asked others advice - so I felt even more stupid like everyone was seeing me as some big problem to solve (so please don't enlist MIL as it will compound the embarrassment).

If I were you OP i'd see them again with your dc present and keep really close supervision. I'd also start disciplining him yourself or saying 'can you stop him doing that?' to them. If they get huffy then that's their lookout, but at least they wont have any kind of moral stance to take on your recent avoidance of them.

Agree with whatsinaname you need to step in when things like this happen. Stop worrying about offending them - they obviously aren't too worried otherwise they would apologise for their DS behaviour. I don't know when people became afraid of disciplining other people's children. I'm more than happy for people to tell mine off if they have done something wrong.
Also you need to tell them the reason why rather than making up silly excuses.
Well done for protecting your DS though & not making him tolerate this sort of treatment.

OP I understand you don't want to discipline their child. But if my child had been left with visible scarring to their face there's not a chance in Hell I'd be simply avoiding a conversation - I'd have said simply and calmly, I'm not happy with what's happened and DS won't be spending time with DN anymore.

I don't understand why you're prepared to put your SIL's feelings above and beyond anything else. Your DH should step up also - if it were my sister I'd be completely honest with them.