Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

[Hello9803]

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

I hope this doesn't cause a breakdown in your relationship. I would hope she would feel sex related, contraception related, drink related, drug related, you name it that she could come to you without harsh judgement and negative reactions.

Of course you're upset and had a shock. It's done now, but I fear that her view of your reaction may prevent her from sharing in the future.

She's 16, she could be older and she could have been in a longer relationship first. However, i'd say its more important she feels comfortable and respected by him.

The first experiences, shape future ones. I am certain if I'd chosen a different person to have sex with that my future partners would have been better suited and I'd have had better experiences.

Maybe chat to her, discuss your reactions came from shock. Let her know you hope she feels happy and loved by him and hope he treats her with kindness and respect.

We are in Scotland, Dd's exams finished on 14th May, her bf has finished Uni for the year and lots of colleges have finished now too.

OP it’s not for you to decide what your dd can and can’t do with her body, it’s her body not yours.

You’ve made a rod for your own back.

I agree with you OP. Yes they might be having sex but you don’t have to make it easy for them. The legal thing might not be an issue but what about if they break up badly? You’ll get loads on here that will tell you she can legally get married, they were sleeping with their boyfriend in grade 5, just as you do for all the other age related posts. That’s my opinion.

this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that)

If you're this dismissive of something that will undoubtedly be important to her I'm not surprised she's going behind your back.

Be more understanding and support her

Yes they might be having sex but you don’t have to make it easy for them. The legal thing might not be an issue but what about if they break up badly?

What if they break up badly? Well what if they do? You support your child surely, just as you would if they had broken up badly from a relationship that she was not having sex in

If you break up badly, you meet someone else. It can hsppen to us all. Can we stop acting as if sex is evil.

I was having sex at 14/15 (can’t remember, when l started was not significant to me) and I am now in my 40s before anyone takes a pop. I had professional loving parents and have a professional job myself.

As a teenager, I didn’t do drugs, didn’t smoke, was certainly not a wild child but l had boyfriends and enjoyed sex.

what has upset you most? Her lying or having sex?
Let her know your disappointment in her lies to you, especially since you have had a good relationship in the past.
Get to know her boyfriend & build a relationship with him
Are they still having sex? Where? Have a discussion if you want it to happen in your house......
PS. Ensure that she is not only taking a contraceptive, but is thinking about STD transmission - use condoms as well!

I would be annoyed that she had lied but I would understand it. Where did she tell you she was?

And how worried I would be would depend on how long they had been together, the dynamics of the relationship, etc. Two teenagers (even when one is 15) choosing as equals to have sex isn’t ideal from my point of view (I think the age of consent is too low) but it’s not the end of the world if they are in a mutually respectful, sober, long term - for teenagers! - relationship. If what we’re actually talking about here is that his parents were away, one of them pressured the other and they went “back to his”, drank four cans of cider and had sex with a condom he found in his dad’s 1980s dressing gown pocket, I would be much more worried.