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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

210 replies

Hello9803 · 04/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/06/2019 21:41

Your job is to make sure she's informed and protected. It's her life.

Once they start it's impossible to stop them. I'm not sure what else you can do.

Nomorepies · 04/06/2019 21:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Leeds2 · 04/06/2019 21:41

I get why you aren't happy with this, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it. Apart from make sure she has good contraceptive advice, and that they don't stay together at yours if you don't want them to.
I also don't think it is any business at all of your DS's, unless DD has chosen to share it.

Tavannach · 04/06/2019 21:46

It's not ideal, but it's none of your business if her boyfriend is happy with it. Her life, her body, her decision. Just make sure she's well-informed and is using efficient contraception.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2019 21:47

The law?
Really no police are going to be remotely interested in this.

Orangeballon · 04/06/2019 21:47

The boy is underage, she will be placed on the sex offenders list if caught.

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 21:48

Those saying the CPS and Police wouldn’t seek to prosecute the OPs daughter for being a sex offender are quite right.

However, what they’ve omitted is the fact that a crime report would still be submitted showing her as a sex offender and could be disclosable during DBS checks.

NewAndImprovedNorks · 04/06/2019 21:48

No, no she wont

kaytee87 · 04/06/2019 21:49

I'd be concerned that she was having sex with a minor. When does he turn 16? His parents might not mind but she's breaking the law.

Other than that I wouldn't get worked up about a 16yo having sex with her bf. I'd speak to her about staying safe and not having sex with him again until he's 16.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 21:53

The boy is underage, she will be placed on the sex offenders list if caught.

No, she really won't.

Anyway it's interesting that's everyone is commenting on his age when it wasn't even a concern for OP, she's just pissed off that her 16 year old is having sex and didn't tell her. Like you have to dress up to your mum!

Norwayswedeniceland · 04/06/2019 21:53

I’d be angry if my DD lied in order to sleep at her boyfriend’s house. I wouldn’t be annoyed at all about her having sex.

Rezie · 04/06/2019 21:54

I don't think you are overreacting. I feel like this is not about sex, but about her lying and going to bf for a sleep over. Lying about your whereabouts is not on and not overreacting.

We didn't do bf/gf sleepovers as teenagers. Bf/gf were allowed to come over and spend time. Yea, we were having sex and I'm sure my mother knew. But sleepovers are a different thing.

LuluBellaBlue · 04/06/2019 21:56

Why is everyone assuming they’ve had sex?
OP doesn’t state this, just that she’d slept the night there

Notabedofroses · 04/06/2019 21:58

Her boyfriend is underage, technically it is illegal. I would be worried about this.
Does she know it is illegal? I would talk to her about contraception, boundaries and what good relationships should look like.

Notabedofroses · 04/06/2019 21:59

fresh she will end up on the sec offenders list if she is prosecuted

Notabedofroses · 04/06/2019 22:00

Sec - sex

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 22:00

she will end up on the sec offenders list if she is prosecuted

That was my point. She won't, she isn't going to get prosecuted.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2019 22:00

Sex offenders register?
Really, really
Give your head a wobble.

VampirateQueen · 04/06/2019 22:01

It is mandatory rape, even if he constants, as he isn't old enough by law to consent but because she is 16 she is and even if they were both 15, they could both get done for mandatory rape.

PigletJohn · 04/06/2019 22:02

"I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this"

Really?

twattymctwatterson · 04/06/2019 22:04

vampirate* I think you mean statutory rape but even so there's no such crime in the uk.

JessieTalamasca · 04/06/2019 22:05

Get a grip! You're totally overreacting. And the police aren't going to be bothered.

MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 22:05

It's literally none of your business.

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 22:06

@VampirateQueen it isn’t statutory rape at all.

TurboTeddy · 04/06/2019 22:06

OP you gave permission for your daughter to stay out over night so you don't appear to have a problem with sleep overs in principle but you don't want her to stay with her boyfriend because you want to police her sex life. You may have concerns about her readiness for sex or the duration of the relationship but the law says she can consent to sex. I cannot condone the lying but I understand why she would feel your rule was inconsistent and unreasonable. You are well within your rights to refuse her boyfriend staying at your house.

It is reasonable to highlight the issues about her boyfriends age but I would be concerned that your dismissive attitude o
towards her relationship with him would make her less likely to confide in you if she had a problem.

Teenagers can exercise poor judgement and make mistakes which is all part of growing up but if they do not have an understanding adult to confide in they can often compound these mistakes as they try to sort their problems out alone. You may be coming from a place of love and concern but I think a little bit of pragmatism is needed here if you would like an open an honest relationship with your daughter in the future.