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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

210 replies

Hello9803 · 04/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

OP posts:
edgeofheaven · 04/06/2019 23:40

I’m with vdb, all of my friends from school waited until 17/18 years old and I had plenty friends at uni who were virgins. Not all 16 year olds are having sex and I wouldn’t be happy if mine were. But maybe that’s because we have a family member who got his GF pregnant at 16 and we’ve seen the consequences first hand.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2019 23:40

OMG vdbfamily
Have you actually heard yourself?
Dd's bf had no interest in prom, just not his thing, he's now just finished his first year of a science based degree at Glasgow Uni.
He's been with my Dd since she was 15, he was 16, they're now 19 and 17.
They had a six month break but dealt with it and sorted it out, with more maturity that I'd have at that age.
Yet you'd judge them.
I just don't understand you at all.

PregnantSea · 04/06/2019 23:45

As long as you've had good talks with her about contraception then I can't see what the issue is?

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:46

I’m with vdb, all of my friends from school waited until 17/18 years old and I had plenty friends at uni who were virgins.

So what? I don't really get your point. Ok you know some people that had sex later than others, doesn't make a blind bit of difference though. It's still ok to have sex at 16.

NunoGoncalves · 04/06/2019 23:48

If a 16-year-old desperately wants to have sex with their bf or gf, there's little you can do to stop them. Of course you can discuss the downsides with them and encourage them not to do it etc. but if they STILL want to, how do you stop them? Ground them forevermore? Never let them see the bf/gf? Any other ideas?

PregnantSea · 04/06/2019 23:48

Also, as a little anecdote ; I was 14 when I started having sex. I did very well at school, have a great career that is widely considered to be one of the toughest jobs to become qualified for, I'm happily married, never had an STD and never accidentally fell pregnant. Not that any of those things make me better or worse than someone else, I just wanted to mention it because some of you seem to be equating teenage sex with all sorts of ridiculous things...

BlackPrism · 04/06/2019 23:49

Annoying but normal. I don't know anyone who told their parent they were going to sleep with someone - that'd be weird. We all snuck around at that age and she's 16 so you can't really do much.

Purpletigers · 04/06/2019 23:50

Having sex as a teenager won’t ruin your life. Having a child or an abortion probably isn’t a lot of fun though .
Not one of my immediate friendship group of 6 at school lost their virginity whilst still at school . But then abstinence in a country without legal abortion forces its young people to make difference choices . A lot of my friends at university remained virgins until their early 20’s .

chipsandgin · 04/06/2019 23:55

I’m astounded at the pearl clutching, misinformation (‘mandatory rape’, ‘sex offenders list’ etc etc 🙄) and general level of utter denial on this thread! It’s like some people were never actually teenagers, skipped that bit & went straight to the twinset (& pearls!) & Saturday night sex with the lights off stage!

My mother overreacted to me having sex at almost 16 & I never told her anything again (now more than 30 years later she gets the heavily edited highlights version of my life & we certainly aren’t close).

OP she is lying because you have told her you forbid it & disapprove. If you want communication & honestly you’re going to have to rethink that strategy. It’s just sex, consensual sex which if you kept the lines of communication open you could probably discuss being careful etc., if she’s happy etc. She’s not injecting heroin into her eyeballs or performing in a gang bang porno - she’s just having sex with a boy she likes...it really is totally normal!

BlackPrism · 04/06/2019 23:55

@vdbfamily wow your daughter has you figured out 😂 many many people who come from stable well-to-do homes have sex at mid-teen age. In fact all but one of my Uni friends lost their virginity at 16 or below. Many of her friends are having sex. Guaranteed.

BattenburgIsland · 04/06/2019 23:56

Exactly no one is better than anyone else based on the age they decided to have sex at. That is a personal choice. Some people are ready at 16 and some people just arent interested then and dont feel like having it till their mid twenties or occasionally even later than that.
I really dont think it's up to anyone else to decide when a girl has sex. As long as its genuinely her decision which she is happy with, and she understands how to have safe sex etc.

I'm sure teens who have a lot of negative things going on in their life might turn to sex earlier than they might have had things been different... but it's not their decision to have sex that's caused that it's more of a symptom of other issues.
There are plenty of 16 year olds from loving supportive homes who manage to do well at school who are also having sex.
The age of consent is 16 here because they looked at the average age people were having sex for the first time and based it on that!
I'm not denying that there arent plenty of girls who arent remotely interested in sex at 16.... but there are also plenty that are. And neither is morally superior to the other. It's a very normal and healthy rite of passage.

loudnoises1 · 04/06/2019 23:56

She's 16, I'm afraid you're going to have to just get over it.

edgeofheaven · 04/06/2019 23:59

freshstartnewme my point is that the assumption that all 16 year olds have sex is false. I’m shocked how many people on this thread hold that assumption. Sex is not consequence free and teenagers minds are not fully developed. It’s risky to be sexually actively so young.

ginswinger · 05/06/2019 00:04

My parents saw boyfriends as a great sorce of mirth and amusement at around this stage. For my Dad it was a wonderful opportunity to tease me, to get to 'know' each boyfriend, to take them off for a 'chat' and as he was a vicar, he wasn't adverse to getting vicared up to greet them at the door.
He was okay with boyfriends staying over from about age 18 but did insist on serving breakfast in bed to us and stopping for a chat about the weather, politics and anything else that could string things out until I was mortified.

Just saying, this might be another approach ;-)

freshstartnewme · 05/06/2019 00:06

my point is that the assumption that all 16 year olds have sex is false

Ignore my post then. I replied to you because you said you were with vdb who said some ridiculous things about it.

MrsMiggins37 · 05/06/2019 00:09

Yup, she's 16, she's doing nothing wrong

Apart from having sex with a 15 year old child.

(Not aimed at the person I quoted) honestly the hypocrisy on here is terrible. If the ages were reversed the post would be full of people saying what a disgrace if is that a 16 old was taking advantage of a child.

OP I don’t know that there’s much you can do other than advising her she shouldn’t be doing it til he’s 16 (of course she might not listen) and trying to ensure that she stays safe and is using protection.

BattenburgIsland · 05/06/2019 00:12

Thees a few months between them! Even of the sexes were reversed no one is taking advantage of anyone!

MrsMiggins37 · 05/06/2019 00:13

It is mandatory rape, even if he constants, as he isn't old enough by law to consent but because she is 16 she is and even if they were both 15, they could both get done for mandatory rape

Bullshit.

Surely it’s also massively unlikely she’d be put on the SOR?

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/06/2019 00:18

15yr old child, being taken advantage of by a 16yr old, what?, adult.
Don't be ridiculous.

BattenburgIsland · 05/06/2019 00:19

The age consent is taken into consideration is 13. So if both claimed it was consensual then no, neither of them would get 'done' or be placed on the register. If someone made a complaint it would get looked into but theres absolutely no way two under 18s, but over 13s, having consensual sex would face any legal consequences.

Pornography is a different issue so underage teens can face charges for sending images of themselves or graphic language to each other.

goodwinter · 05/06/2019 00:30

honestly the hypocrisy on here is terrible. If the ages were reversed the post would be full of people saying what a disgrace if is that a 16 old was taking advantage of a child.

Ridiculous! They're 15 and 16. They're likely in the same school year. With a one year "age gap" neither is inherently taking advantage of the other, regardless of which way around it is.

NunoGoncalves · 05/06/2019 00:45

If the ages were reversed the post would be full of people saying what a disgrace if is that a 16 old was taking advantage of a child

I really, really don't think it would. Most people are not that dumb.

movingwiththelightson · 05/06/2019 00:48

I went to a ‘nice’ secondary school with mainly kids from middle-class families and comfortable homes and I can safely say the majority of my friends/acquaintances had lost their virginity before turning 17, and the rest did by the end of sixth form. Going to uni still a virgin would certainly be seen as unusual (nothing wrong with it just not commonplace), this was only 10 years ago. I honestly thought sex at sixteen was just seen as the norm.

YourWinter · 05/06/2019 00:51

The OP's question isn't about the daughter having sex, it's about her having lied about spending the night with her boyfriend.

StarlightLady · 05/06/2019 05:25

I am in my 40s, l was once a teenager having sex with my boyfriends (plural) and a little younger than your daughter. When mum found out, she was cross. Not that l was having sex, but that I hadn’t told her. After that she was kind, loving and supportive about it. She said the important thing was that she knew where l was and that I was safe.

I was no wild child. I didn’t do drugs or smoke and was a bit of a “bookworm” but my hormones were bubbling. Mum was also keen not to introduce double standards.

If the OP does not have cocerns about this particular boy per se and they are aware of the importance of condoms, I would not be concerned but just show some love.

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