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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

210 replies

Hello9803 · 04/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

OP posts:
happyhillock · 04/06/2019 22:52

@freshstartnewme
Although it's legal to have sex and be married at 16 yes i do think it's to young for both, especially when there still at school, i would never have allowed any boyfriend to stay over night at that age or any of my daughter's to stay at a boyfriend's, i suppose it's down to individual parent's what they allow, it wouldn't have been acceptable with me.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2019 22:53

It will happen manclife1
Are you sure, really?

Momof2boys1girl · 04/06/2019 22:54

My 15 yr old daughter and her 16 yr old boyfriend have been together for about 18 months. I know they have sex. They were both under the age of consent when it first happened, no way do I think he’s breaking the law now he’s hit the magic age of 16. Let’s be honest here. How many of us waited until we were 16 before we started experimenting or having sex. It’s a natural thing to do. No i don’t like the thought of them”at it” but then I don’t like the thought of my mum and dad at it too! It’s their lives and as long as you’ve taught them about love and respect and how to be careful then their sex life is nothing really to do with you.
As for the lying about staying at his then that’s a different matter. But I really wouldn’t be to cross, they’re growing up and pushing boundaries it’s what teens do! She could have been doing many worse things

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 22:55

@Manclife1

That is rubbish that it would be disclosed on a DBS check.

Firstly no conviction and as such it is at the discretion of the police force whether they would disclose it. They would not because it criminalises / stigmatises a child which is the whole reason for the approach that police have to dealing with consensual sexual activity between children !!!

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 22:55

@IHaveBrilloHair if police end up involved then yes it will But fuck it what do I know I’ve only teaching it for years.

Cherrysoup · 04/06/2019 22:56

Yet if this was a 16 year old boy having sex with a 15 year old girl, I’d bet there’d be very different comments.

MN is so weird. Aren’t most parents horrified that a 16 year old is having sex? I think it’s too young, but then at 18, people are adults and should be fully independent (according to posters on here) and parents aren’t supposed to say a word to them about anything. Equally, at 16 (mid-GCSES?) having sex is all ok. Slightly blows my mind.

Purpletigers · 04/06/2019 22:57

A 15 year having his 16 year old girlfriend staying over is madness . He has crap parents,ones who probably think they’re his “ friends “ .I hope they’re prepared to be changing nappies in a few years .
As for your daughter , 16 may be legal but she’s still a child and if she were my daughter she’d wouldn’t be going anywhere for the foreseeable .

shushymcshush · 04/06/2019 22:59

And to think, my parents fell out with me for going on holiday with my boyfriend...I was 20 at the time.

Its crappy she lied to you and went against your wishes. Its also a bit annoying that the 15 yr olds parents aren't fussed. Also GCSEs should be a priority at the moment.

However, if she wants to have sex, she's going to find a way. By all means tell her how you feel in that you just want her to be sure she makes the right choices and for crying out loud use protection. Tell her you get it that its embarrassing talking about this kind of thing with Mum, but as PPs said, keeping the communication channels open is really important now.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:01

As for your daughter , 16 may be legal but she’s still a child and if she were my daughter she’d wouldn’t be going anywhere for the foreseeable

You would ground a 16 year old so they couldn't have sex Hmm

Way to lose your teen rapid

Purpletigers · 04/06/2019 23:02

I waited until I was 22 , at 16 I was still a child and respected my parents too much to disappoint them . There was no way I would have risked having an unwanted pregnancy when I was still a child and at school .
Too many parents want to be friends with their teenagers or be the cool parents . Grow some balls and try to prevent your child from totally fucking up their futures .

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 23:02

@Manclife1

From College of Policing re Outcome 21.

Outcome 21 is in relation to the issues of sexting but I believe the same principle will apply.

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend
freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:02

@Manclife1 another link about sexting. You say the principal is the same, so why not find a link to show that?

Purpletigers · 04/06/2019 23:03

Damn right I’d ground a 16 year old for having sex with a 15 year old boy .

FenellaVelour · 04/06/2019 23:03

if police end up involved then yes it will But fuck it what do I know I’ve only teaching it for years.

Goodness me, that’s worrying.
Police will obviously not get involved as both are similar ages and over the age of 13.
You’re talking nonsense.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:03

Aren’t most parents horrified that a 16 year old is having sex?

I'm sorry, perhaps you could explain what exactly is horrifying about it?

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 23:04

@Manclife1

Your link refers to articles in 2017.

Outcome 21 supersedes that.

donquixotedelamancha · 04/06/2019 23:04

Those saying the CPS and Police wouldn’t seek to prosecute the OPs daughter for being a sex offender are quite right.

However, what they’ve omitted is the fact that a crime report would still be submitted showing her as a sex offender and could be disclosable during DBS checks.

I'm not sure it would be disclosable. Only enhanced DBS, but even then only reports 'deemed relevant' would be in.

Certainly the police have massively tightened up reporting of sexual assaults where the victim is a minor in a relationship with an adult over the last 3-5 years. I would not want my daughter doing this, but the main issue is not the legal consequences.

I would be very annoyed by a parent facilitating sex with a 15 YO behind my back.

Too late to put the genie back in the bottle OP, focus on giving DD the best guidance possible.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:04

Damn right I’d ground a 16 year old for having sex with a 15 year old boy

Sorry I misread your post. I thought you meant you would ground her for having sex, irrespective of his age, my mistake.

Purpletigers · 04/06/2019 23:05

So the only way to keep my 16 year old teen on side is to let them do what they want .
Feck that . I live in a country where abortion isn’t even legal . Abstinence is still necessary in some parts of the world . We don’t have a get out of jail card so best not to play with fire .

WinkyWoo3 · 04/06/2019 23:05

I can understand you being upset that she lied about your whereabouts, but YABU to react angrily to her having sex. Her want her to be safe and having sex with a partner in a safe environment using protection isn’t unsafe.

I remember decades ago sleeping with my boyfriend for the first time. We were 17 and both first loves. His mother found out, went batshit and called my mother. We then ALL (his parents and my parents and the two of us) had a big 2-hour meeting about it at my house! It was mortifying! We were shamed and told to stop. They were convinced we would end up knocked up. We weren’t allowed to stay at each other’s houses for many months after. Guess what... We still had a lot of sex all over the place (which was much more risky). Actually I have great memories of those adventures. All their actions did was push us closer together. I will never forgive them for ruining a perfectly normal teenage rite of passage. I also started taking the pill without telling my mother. It’s really upsetting looking back on it and I never opened up to her again about any aspect of dating/romance.

Tread carefully with your DD’s emotions. Your overreaction could (and probably already has) push(ed) her away.

FenellaVelour · 04/06/2019 23:06

Sexting is treated entirely differently. The Sexual Offences Act 2003 is absolutely clear. The legal position regarding sex (not sexting) is that if both are under 18 but over 13, there is no offence.

Purpletigers · 04/06/2019 23:06

Necessity

BattenburgIsland · 04/06/2019 23:08

I was living with my 18 year old boyfriend when I was 16... so your reaction seems very odd to me.
The issue would be that hes slightly younger... but clearly his parents dont mind and clearly hes happy with it himself so I seriously doubt your daughter will be considered to be breaking the law (yes consent is taken into account when both partners are teens)
I can see why you are upset by the lying but I do think this is something you were always going to have to go through. 16 is a very normal age to be having sex. Hence it being the age of consent in this country! It sounds like you've done all the right things in discussing contraception with her etc...
Theres not a lot more you can do really. It's fair enough to not want her having sex in your home if you really dont want that... but she will have sex outside of your home because that's up to her now shes 16. Personally I'd not get too angry about this because I think it's important for her safety that she can confide in you and come to you for help if she needs it. These late teen years are ones in which you need to form a strong relationship with each other so that when she leaves home you can still have a healthy supportive relationship.

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 23:08

Certainly the police have massively tightened up reporting of sexual assaults where the victim is a minor in a relationship with an adult over the last 3-5 years

In this case both are children.

Police are taking a more lenient view on consensual sexual activity between children of a similar age.