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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

210 replies

Hello9803 · 04/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 04/06/2019 22:06

I know that its sort of irrelevant, but what 16 year old girl would go out with a 15 year old boy? (boys at 15 so immature in comparison!)

User10fuckingmillion · 04/06/2019 22:07

4 months when you’re 16 is practically married.
No one is going to get done for statutory rape🙄 it doesn’t even exist in the UK.
That being said they should have waited until he was 16, of course. She presumably knew that it was illegal.

ConfCall · 04/06/2019 22:10

The lying about her whereabouts is concerning. At 16, she still needs to let you know where she is I think. The mendacity would annoy me more than the sexual relationship.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 22:11

Why is everyone assuming they’ve had sex?

The title was a bit of a giveaway.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/06/2019 22:11

normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this

You really expect her to talk to you in that level of detail? You're being very unrealistic. "Hey, mum, I've decided I'm going to let Nathan finger me this weekend and I might even go the full hog if I'm in the mood. Do you have any tips?" That conversation ain't ever going to happen.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 22:11

I know that its sort of irrelevant, but what 16 year old girl would go out with a 15 year old boy?

The sort that liked him 🤷🏻‍♀️

FVFrog · 04/06/2019 22:13

No one is going to be prosecuted. Yes the boy is legally unable to give consent but with such a small age gap and given the circumstances no prosecution would be sought. And to echo pp she is 16 and of the age of consent, she will carry on having sex with or without your approval. I would have a sensible chat about contraception, STDs and making sure she understands what consent is and the importance of sex being a part of a healthy, loving long term mutually respectful relationship and keep the lines of communication open with your DD as she begins this transition into being a young adult. Or you can come down hard and lay down rules and she will go behind your back and will be less likely to seek you out if she gets into any kind of trouble or needs some advice without harsh judgement. Yes you can tell her you don’t agree with her having sex at such a young age but let her know you respect her right to make her own decisions about her body but make sure she is doing it with full information so she is making an informed consent and nothing wrong with her being told the only 100% effective form of contraception is no sex. I say this as a world weary parent of a 17.20 and 22 year old!

Belenus · 04/06/2019 22:13

I think you need to try to separate out the parts of this and work out what is bothering you. Is it because the bf is only 15? That would concern me. Is it the length of the relationship? You seem dismissive of that but they presumably feel they are in a relationship. Is it the lying? Or the act of having sex? Or some combination of these?

At 16 she is old enough, although it is a concern that he isn't yet. She didn't tell you because well, why would you? There is no way I'd have told my mother who I started having sex with and when. Also, are they having sex or did she just stay over?

You really need to calm down or you will push her away. It is her body and her choice. You can veto him staying at yours but you cannot stop her from having sex. Tbh, I'd be glad she was with someone she is in a relationship with and she is old enough - whilst wishing she'd waited until he is also old enough. It could easily have been so much worse for her.

SunshineCake · 04/06/2019 22:14

How is she not doing anything wrong? She's lied and he's 15.

FVFrog · 04/06/2019 22:16

And surely they are in the middle of GCSEs?? I would be more angry about the lack of focus on revision...

anonforthespies43267 · 04/06/2019 22:16

At 14/15 I had a bf and my parents drummed if into me not to have sex with him however they would let him stay over just not in my bedroom. When I pointed out to them if we are going to do it when he’s over it’s not going to be when we are asleep so the issue is surely spending the evening in my bedroom. They then realised and he used to stay over.

2 months before my 16th bday we slept together. When I got to 16 I had the ‘he’ll only leave you once he gets what he wants’ lecture & said well too late I’ve already done it and he hasn’t left me yet. Told mum I was on the pill & we used a condom and that was the end of that.

My mum just said keep being careful, don’t get pregnant and don’t tell your dad. Then a week later I got a drunk safe sex lecture from my dad so she had obv told him.

I was a lot more open with my parents after they didnt over react or give me shit about it x

kaytee87 · 04/06/2019 22:19

I know that its sort of irrelevant, but what 16 year old girl would go out with a 15 year old boy?

What a daft thing to say. They're probably in the same school year.

happyhillock · 04/06/2019 22:21

I'd be furious to, okay your allowed to get married at 16, how many mother's would like there child to be married at that age? I know at 16 sex is legal i wouldn't have liked any of my 2 DD's to be having sex that young, if there sexually active at that age the best a mother can do is make sure there using contraceptives.

millythepink · 04/06/2019 22:22

Yes, I would be angry and yes I do have a 16 yr old DD. I would be angry at being lied to and angry at her being devious. And I'm so sick of the '16 is legal' trope. My daughter is still a bit scared to go downstairs at night in the dark, sleeps with a favourite snuggy and probably isn't totally sure what a mortgage is Hmm So, no, I don't actually consider her adult enough to be having sex yet, either emotionally or physically.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 04/06/2019 22:22

It's worrying how many people don't understand the law. She will not be prosecuted unless he didn't consent.

She will not be on the sex offenders register.

Yes it's a shame she didn't tell you, but I didn't tell my mum when I started having sex either. I think most girls don't usually announce losing their virginity to their parents. If you want to keep your close relationship with your daughter please don't make her feel bad about having sex.

Isatis · 04/06/2019 22:23

Yup, she's 16, she's doing nothing wrong

She's having sex with a 15 year old. That's definitely doing something wrong, in the eyes of the law. As for suggesting it's not an issue because he's consenting, nonsense.

I agree it's incredibly unlikely that the police or anyone else would do anything about it, but people saying it's all legal simply aren't correct.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 22:23

i wouldn't have liked any of my 2 DD's to be having sex that young

Eh? Young? It's really fucking normal.

titchy · 04/06/2019 22:24

The boy is underage, she will be placed on the sex offenders list if caught.

GrinGrinGrin That is one of the funniest things I've read on MN in ages GrinGrinGrin

forkfun · 04/06/2019 22:24

Everyone going on about her being a sex offender, have a word with yourself. And perhaps check what the UK law actually says on the matter. The NSPCC website has good info.

qazxc · 04/06/2019 22:24

There are a couple of issues.
The sex, realistically you are not going to be able to do anything about and could happen without sleepovers.
The lying to you about where she is, there should be consequences for.
And I would be fuming at the parents of boyfriend, they might think it's ok, but undermining your parenting decisions is going beyond the pale.

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 22:25

The boy is underage, she will be placed on the sex offenders list if caught.

Utter utter bollocks.

Little age difference , consensual relationship, no coercion.

Police are not interested in criminalising children in these instances. .

titchy · 04/06/2019 22:25

It is mandatory rape,

GrinGrinGrin Oh that's even funnier GrinGrinGrin

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 04/06/2019 22:26

@callmeadoctor

My Son is 4 months younger than his girlfriend. Eventually he will be 15, and she will be 16. Do you think she will suddenly find him unattractive and immature?

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2019 22:26

callmeadoctor
They are probably in the same school year, so the same age in their terms.
Dd's last bf was a school year younger which was seen as odd by some of their peers, but there was actually just a 4 month age difference.

titchy · 04/06/2019 22:27

Yes the boy is legally unable to give consent

He's 15 of course he can consent!!!! He can consent to surgery, medication and any other medical treatment. If he was 12, that would be different.