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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

210 replies

Hello9803 · 04/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 05/06/2019 05:40

To add. Nobody is going to be bothered about the age difference unless he complained.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/06/2019 05:54

It is mandatory rape, even if he constants, as he isn't old enough by law to consent but because she is 16 she is and even if they were both 15, they could both get done for mandatory rape

Oh please, don’t talk BS, if he was under 13 and she were 16, then yes it would be.

The Government has stressed that the law is intended to protect children from abuse by adult sexual predators, and is not to be used to prosecute teenagers who are close in age for having consensual sex.

If you believe that, more than half the population would be rapists, and about 50% of teenagers would be rapists with current underage statistics. Hmm

Nillynally · 05/06/2019 06:25

I don't think you're being very realistic OP. Get her on the pill and tell her to enjoy herself.

Oblomov19 · 05/06/2019 06:30

My ds that age tells me very little! I only hope that my 'mini-chats' on having fun, but being safe, condoms, STD's, no pregnancy, consent, etc are enough!

sashh · 05/06/2019 07:00

OP

How do you know she has had sex with him?

And how would it be different if she had sex at 4pm and then came home?

Overmaars · 05/06/2019 07:17

The problems I had with teenage sex was related to my parents' behaviour, not the teenage sex. Their hysteria, bullying, punishments, prurient interest, failure to let me make my own decisions, cause me far more trauma, even now many years later.

OP be very careful how you approach this. Punishing someone for doing something that seems perfectly natural can have unforeseen consequences. Whereas just supporting her, talking through the risks, being there if they break up, can lead to a closer relationship between you where you're far more able to protect her going forward.

And those people who praise themselves for all their daughters' friends being virgins: how creepy to be interested in their virginity or otherwise and if I was your daughter, I wouldn't tell you the truth either Grin

StarlightLady · 05/06/2019 07:27

@Overmaars - so well put. Flowers

Virginity is only a concept created by the (male) “morality police” anyway.

Trebla · 05/06/2019 07:31

I'd be OK with it - I sense you are more worried about the "deceit" but she is entitled to a life without you involved. Teenagers need to do things that push boundaries. this isnt too bad.

Also, it might not technically be legal but the home office would do naff all about it as they are close in age and both consenting.

The age of consent to any form of sexual activity is 16 for both men and women. The age of consent is the same regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of a person and whether the sexual activity is between people of the same or different gender.

It is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. However, Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age.

Trebla · 05/06/2019 07:32

(1) Home Office, Children and Families: Safer from Sexual Crime – The Sexual Offences Act 2003, London: Home Office Communications Directorate, 2004.

ilikepurple · 05/06/2019 07:32

Get a grip. You can't control your daughters natural desire to have sex.

Oakmaiden · 05/06/2019 09:38

@Manclife1

From personal experience, I know a child who was accused of a sexual offence. Police investigated, charges were not brought. He is now a young man and I can confirm that nothing regarding the event showed on his dbs.

I can't find any info linking outcome 21 as a response to underage sex...

Moneybegreen · 05/06/2019 09:52

Teenagers are going to shag. If they don't have a house and a bed to do it in they are going to do it in fields, cars, at parties, etc. Tale as old as time.

Rather than going mental over her having sex in the first place, the best thing you could possibly do is have a sensible conversation about contraception, and offer to accompany her to the doctor to have a coil or the implant.

NCforthis2019 · 05/06/2019 10:00

but her bf is under 16 - does this make it illegal? God - if this was reversed....

TantricTwist · 05/06/2019 10:06

16 is a normal age to have sex, I don't see the problem here at all esp as the boyfriend is a similar age.

I'd be concerned if he was 20 or above and alarmed if he was 30.

Belenus · 05/06/2019 10:21

There is a MN divide between those parents who were having sex in their mid teens and therefore consider it totally normal for their teens to do so, and those who waited until more mature and have raised their kids with same expectations.

Guess again. I was substantially older than the average age. My parents were thoroughly horrified at the idea of teenagers having sex. My dad in particular was very over protective. As a result I grew up with the idea that sex was something wrong and to be feared. It's only once I was middle aged that I really got my head around the idea that this was nonsense and they were completely wrong. So I think if teenagers feel that they are both ready for this, it's much healthier to be positive about it. Talk to them about consent and contraception, yes, but don't get angry. Don't leave them carrying around the ideas that I was burdened with from my own parents.

God - if this was reversed....

Then you'd have very similar comments. It would be better if they were both over 16 but since there's only a few months between them it's not a major issue.

Pinkvoid · 05/06/2019 10:46

I left home and had a job at 16. She can legally have sex so yes, I think you are overreacting.

CookieBlue · 05/06/2019 10:48

I would tread carefully OP. My parents had very old fashioned views Hmm and when they found out I was having sex at 17 (!) they hit the roof. I’m 30 now and still struggle to think that sex isn’t something “dirty” and “bad”. I have a DD myself and have vowed that I won’t let my daughter feel the same way. I can’t say I would be ecstatic if she was in the same situation as your DD but it happens, teenagers will always find a way to have sex and I would never want her feeling like she had done something horribly wrong.

RosaWaiting · 05/06/2019 10:49

OP is it the lying that has upset you, more than the sex?

or the age of the boy?

16 year old having sex, fine, I did it. But I was honest with my parents and talked to them about starting on the pill. They were initially funny about me staying the night there - I think it was that they wanted me to be seen to come home at night tbh - but then after a while they calmed down on that front. Otherwise you will just be told a lie.

it's better to know what's happening really.

Glitterfisher · 05/06/2019 10:51

If you are upset about her lying YANBU but if you are upset about them having sex YABU.

Personally I think trying to stop 16 yos from having sex is ridiculous, it seems a lot of parents try but it will never end well. Educate your children and let them make their own decisions/mistakes. I don't think I knew anyone when I was 16 who hadn't had sex TBH.

The outrage about the 15yo boy is daft, I don't think anyone would be making a huge fuss about a 15yo girl and a 16yo boy either, that's not really the issue.

movingwiththelightson · 05/06/2019 11:33

Punishing someone for doing something that seems perfectly natural can have unforeseen consequences. Whereas just supporting her, talking through the risks, being there if they break up, can lead to a closer relationship between you where you're far more able to protect her going forward.

Totally agree with this.

NunoGoncalves · 05/06/2019 11:34

The OP's question isn't about the daughter having sex, it's about her having lied about spending the night with her boyfriend

Well I mean, the lying is a logical consequence of being told she mustn't do something that she obviously wants to do! She's 16. It's not really an age where you can make them do or not do as you wish anymore. If you try to do so, they will just lie about it. Clearly.

Belenus · 05/06/2019 13:46

Plus the OP has disappeared so the conversation is bound to move on and discuss the issue in different ways.

LIZS · 05/06/2019 13:50

She might be 16 but he's not. Are they not taking exams atm?

cheeseypuff · 05/06/2019 13:54

Yes she lied which is wrong & that shoud have consequences, however if you think you're going to stop a 15 & 16 year old sleeping together because you don't want them to then you need to wake up & smell the coffee. They will do whatever it takes (including lying to you again possibly). At least if they do it under his/ your roof then you know where they are, that they're safe & you can make sure that they're using contraception.
Trying to keep them apart & treating them like llittle kids will ulitmately drive them closer together & you futher apart I'm afraid. Weren't you 16 once too?

freshstartnewme · 05/06/2019 14:17

Are they not taking exams atm?

So what if they are? Having sex isn't likely to impact that. All the shit from the OP about the relationship on the other hand...

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