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Original poster

Teenage daughter sleeping with boyfriend

210 replies

Hello9803 · 04/06/2019 21:05

Hello,
I found out at the weekend that my 16 year old daughter had lied to me and spent the night with her 15 year old boyfriend of 4 months. I am furious as she knows I don't want her staying at his or vice versa at this stage of the relationship (if you can call it that) or because of their ages. His parents don't mind but I do. We normally have a very open mother/daughter relationship and have talked generally about contraception, sex, etc, but I can't believe she completely went behind my back and did this. My 21 year old son thinks it's fine and they both think I'm over-reacting. I would be interested in your views!! Thank you

OP posts:
Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 23:08

@checkoutno3please the photo supports what I’m saying. It can be disclosed on a DBS check. Whilst says ‘unlikely’ it doesn’t say ‘wont’ and therein lies the issue. It’s on a case by case bases and there’s no guarantee it won’t be disclosed.

FenellaVelour · 04/06/2019 23:08

Taken from the NSPCC website:

The age of consent (the legal age to have sex) in the UK is 16 years old.
The laws are there to protect children from abuse or exploitation, rather than to prosecute under-16s who participate in mutually consenting sexual activity. Underage sexual activity should always be seen as a possible indicator of child sexual exploitation.
To help protect younger children the law says anyone under the age of 13 can never legally give consent. This means that anyone who engages in any sexual activity with a child who is 12 or younger is breaking the law Sexual activity with a child who is under 13 should always result in a child protection referral.The law gives extra protection to young people who are over the age of consent but under 18. It is illegal:

to take, show or distribute indecent photographs of a child (this is often called sexting)
to pay for or arrange sexual services of a child
for a person in a position of trust (for example teachers or care workers) to engage in sexual activity with anyone under the age of 18 who is in the care of their organisation

So as you can see, police will act on sexting, but not on consensual sexual activity between children over 13 of similar ages.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:08

So the only way to keep my 16 year old teen on side is to let them do what they want

No not at all. Like I said I thought you were talking about grounding a 16 year old of they were in any sexual relationship, which is obviously ridiculous. I understand your stance if you add in the 15 yo

user1486131602 · 04/06/2019 23:10

Since it is illegal to sleep with someone under the age of consent, 16.....your daughter could get into a lot of trouble.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but she clearly does.
We’re they having sex, as you suspect, or did she just sleep there? There’s a massive difference.
I think it is more important to make sure yourDD & Boyfriend are being responsible than to try to control the situation. Please try to talk to her again and explain that you are cross that she lied.
Good luck x

likeafishneedsabike · 04/06/2019 23:11

Contraception and plenty of education about sexual health is in order. Teenagers having sex is hardly headline news.

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 23:12

@Manclife1

I see DBS everyday. I know for certain this would not be disclosed by a police force when in relation to a child.

BattenburgIsland · 04/06/2019 23:12

Sexting is completely different because it's considered pornography so if an underage person is sexting or being sexted then they are creating child pornography.
Two teens having consensual sex with one another is NOT a criminal offence. The age consent is taken into account is 13. Obviously it would be looked at if reported and judged on a case by case basis but there is absolutely no way two teens with only months between them having consensual sex would get into any sort of legal trouble for that. Dont be ridiculous. The law is to protect people not make criminals out of horny teenagers for sleeping together consensually!

vdbfamily · 04/06/2019 23:14

There is a MN divide between those parents who were having sex in their mid teens and therefore consider it totally normal for their teens to do so, and those who waited until more mature and have raised their kids with same expectations. My 16 year old DD is horrified that age of consent is as low as 16. The only friends she has who are sexually active are one who has been abandoned by her mother and lives in a hostel and another in an abusive relationship with an older man. The rest of her friends seem more focussed on exams and prom. Thank goodness.

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 23:15

@freshstartnewme

Feel free to trawl through NCRS yourself to find the parts that will appease you. The news articles on sexting were used as it contains the same legal and procedural issues as this case. Which is:

A) if a crime is disclosed to police unless there’s evidence to suggest it didn’t happen a crime gets recorded and the alleged offenders details are added

B) anything on a police database may be disclosed during a DBS check

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/801406/count-general-may-2019.pdf#page9

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 23:18

@checkoutno3please up until recently I worked with those who complete them and i’ve seen similar disclosed. Not often but it happens and more more than you think. Even if disclosed incorrectly there’s no taking that disclosure back.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:18

Feel free to trawl through NCRS yourself to find the parts that will appease you.

Why? If you can't back up your point other than with links that are 'similar' why the hell should I? It's not me that's trying to convince people I'm right.

JessieTalamasca · 04/06/2019 23:19

Aha! Bingo! Those who have sex at 16 are just immature, unfocused, morally degenerate reprobates.

I had sex at 16. Why? Because I wanted to. I enjoyed it. I chose the person carefully, my sexy, hot French host brother. It was great. We had a lot of fun.

My mother, however, was a virgin when she married at 23. I guess I was just a little slag then according to vbd. Hmm

Still managed to go to uni and graduate and go to leaver's dance as well.

BattenburgIsland · 04/06/2019 23:21

Yes having sex at 15 totally ruined my life....

I'm an only child of upper middle class parents who are still married. I got 5 A grade A levels somehow despite all the terrible 'immature' sex I was having...

I'm happily married now with two young children....

And yes I will be raising them with the expectations that the normal age to lose your virginity is THE AGE AT WHICH THEY PERSONALLY FEEL THEY WANT TO AND ARE READY TO, rather than a random age that I, a separate person from them, feel is best for them.

checkoutno3please · 04/06/2019 23:21

Even if disclosed incorrectly there’s no taking that disclosure back.

Yes you can.

Single disclose means only the applicant sees the DBS. They can challenge the non conviction information and get it withdrawn before showing the DBS to relevant employers etc.

In the circumstances of being a child in these circumstances they would be successful.

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 23:23

@FenellaVelour I deal with this stuff for a living. It has nothing to do with cops being interested and everything to do with government policies. Go and google NCRS, if a 7 y/o hits someone an assault crime gets created and they’re shown as the offender. They’re not even at the age of criminal liability! That’s how messed up the system is so a website link doesn’t even come close to supporting your argument.

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 23:25

@freshstartnewme page 6 a lovely flowchart for you to follow. Hmm

vdbfamily · 04/06/2019 23:26

I am not calling anyone a slag. I am merely refuting the assertion that all teenagers are experimenting with sex and whatever we say or do will make no difference to that. I think that the parents view does impact the child's view, rather like politics!!

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 23:27

There is a MN divide between those parents who were having sex in their mid teens and therefore consider it totally normal for their teens to do so, and those who waited until more mature and have raised their kids with same expectations.

Is there?

Do you think you are better than others because you waited until you were more 'mature'?

The age of consent is 16 and it's really normal for teens to want to have sex.

The only 'expectations' I raised my children with was that they need to be ready, happy and safe. If that is 16 or 19 then so be it.

Aaarrgghh · 04/06/2019 23:28

Some of these comments are hilarious. The law has been shown to you. A 15 year old with a 16 year old being only months apart in age is fine, they will not have any police involvement, there will be no criminal record etc.

FenellaVelour · 04/06/2019 23:28

Even if there’s a record created of a report, it won’t appear on a DBS check if the “offender” was under 18 at the time.
Even cautions pre-18, and some convictions, don’t show up (though sex offences would if convicted).
But since that’ll never happen, no point arguing about it.

Chippychipsforme · 04/06/2019 23:29

Was no one else a teenager? By 16 I was as horny as hell and desperate to get shagging. I also managed to be a straight A student.

I can't imagine anything more awkward than having a chat with my mum about actually having sex, I certainly wouldn't have told her when I did start. At least they had some where comfortable and safe to do it, not in a park or a club toilet Blush

Thebesters · 04/06/2019 23:30

I not going to say I agree because I don't, but I would like them doing it at someone's house than behind a building in the park, like I saw the other day. It's hard being a parent

goodwinter · 04/06/2019 23:31

Wow there's a lot of unsubstantiated shite being thrown around on this thread. No, she's not raping anyone (it's especially not "mandatory" rape Grin ).

"Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age."
www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex#refs

@Manclife1, your links both pertain to "sexting" i.e. the sharing of indecent images of children - a completely different topic.

Yet if this was a 16 year old boy having sex with a 15 year old girl, I’d bet there’d be very different comments.

Why? They're probably in the same school year for christ's sake!

On a more personal note, I had sex at 14. I was in a relationship, we both enjoyed it, we took precautions and nothing bad happened. Teach your kids about sex. Make sure they know how to be safe, the importance of trust, and that it's ok to say no - all the basic stuff. Punishing a 16yo for having sex is a terrible idea.

BattenburgIsland · 04/06/2019 23:32

Vdb you really did imply in your post that having sex in your mid teens was associated with bad life outcomes.... and that is just not true.

goodwinter · 04/06/2019 23:38

The only friends she has who are sexually active are one who has been abandoned by her mother and lives in a hostel and another in an abusive relationship with an older man. The rest of her friends seem more focussed on exams and prom. Thank goodness.

I hope you're not extrapolating those two situations to all girls (or boys) who have sex at 16. If you'd like to share anecdotes, I'd say that a good 50% of my friends were sexually active at that age; all within the context of a relationship, and most of them were from a stable and loving family. We all did well in exams and we all went to prom. Thank goodness, eh?