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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 04/06/2019 15:02

I don't think I'd have locked him out and driven away but don't know what I'd have done. Mind you I take my 2 to school so maybe I'm a bit soft anyway

blackcat86 · 04/06/2019 15:03

You know that you're not being unreasonable that your child should be able to catch a bus but getting up only 20mins before the bus leaves doesn't leave any margin for error does it. You haven't mentioned any consequences for his behaviour? I appreciate he is the oldest but stating that he simply cant be your focus may be part of the issue. Parenting teens and pre teens is really hard. Harder than parenting toddlers so he still needs your time and attention.

dementedpixie · 04/06/2019 15:04

What time does school start? How late would he have been if he walked or if you took him?

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 04/06/2019 15:04

You "hoped" he'd go to school...?

Marmablade · 04/06/2019 15:04

You can still take his friend, you don't have to take him.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2019 15:05

I don’t know that I’d expect them to do a 60m walk. But I’d expect them to catch their bus! What time does your dp leave? Perhaps wake him at 6 from now on (I ask re dp as it might take both of you) until he reassures you he will get the bus. I don’t think children should need lifts to high school.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 04/06/2019 15:07

You need to wake him up earlier, no way would my 12 year old be ready to go 20 mins after waking up. But yes I wouldn't back down if dd missed the bus, she would have to make her own way to school (would be 2 stops on the train then 10 minute walk) I have to get her younger siblings to school.

KnittingSister · 04/06/2019 15:08

Take the friend, but not him, so he loses one night of training this week. Take him as usual the other nights.

adaline · 04/06/2019 15:09

You need to wake him up and get him out of bed! He's clearly too irresponsible to do it himself, so you're going to have to start doing it.

HomeMadeMadness · 04/06/2019 15:10

YANBU but obviously you need anew strategy in the future as bunking off is definitely not OK. Why is he acting like this? Laziness? Teenage rebellion? Something up at school? I think I'd be talking about it with him seriously getting to the bottom of it. Offering more support if he needed it but making sure the expectations and consequences are clear too.

Original poster
CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 15:11

I'm just on the school run. Be back asap

OP posts:
Pinkvoid · 04/06/2019 15:11

I’d have less sympathy for him if he was 14/15 but at 12 I’d have taken him personally.

QuestionableMouse · 04/06/2019 15:13

Next time put him in a taxi and take the money out of his allowance.

FriarTuck · 04/06/2019 15:14

You can ditch the sports run - you can explain to friend's parents what has happened and say that you're trying to show DS that actions have consequences and that what he's done has cost not only him his sports but his friend too. That might shake him up bit. And you need to put more effort into getting him up earlier. You're the parent.

CurtainsOpen · 04/06/2019 15:16

Parent. Your. Child.

Shelvesoutofbooks · 04/06/2019 15:18

At 12 he is more than capable of getting up by himself and getting the bus on time, he was clearly trying to take the mick here, YANBU OP and I would've left the house locked too. He needed to go to school and if she gave him a lift what would that teach? And a 60 min walk at 12 is perfectly fine.

ChequerBoard · 04/06/2019 15:21

As a parent of a DS12 myself, I'm a bit gobsmacked at the way you are treating your DS.

Why on Earth didn't you you wake him up so he can get the bus to school?

Why don't you know what time he is supposed to be at school?

You drove off and left him locked out of the house, expecting him to make a 60min walk to school when you could easily have driven him? Why, are you usually this callous?

Having two younger children doesn't mean you can opt out of parenting the oldest child!

GabriellaMontez · 04/06/2019 15:21

So what are the consequences of this going to be for him?

I wouldn't be taking him to his sporting activity this week.

dementedpixie · 04/06/2019 15:22

But what she did didn't get him to school so the strategy didn't work. Maybe he was just having a bad day. Did op speak to him or just chuck him out and drive away?

mummymeister · 04/06/2019 15:23

sorry but I think you have been a bit unreasonable. at 12 he still needs you to make sure he is awake and out of his bed in good time to get ready for school. parenting teens is harder than parenting a toddler - they need more time, support and attention so i do think saying he isnt your focus because you have younger ones is wrong. Sit down with him this evening when the younger ones arent there and spell out clearly what your expectations are not only of him but of yourself. tell him what you are willing to do in the mornings to help him, ask him what other help he needs and together work out a plan to make sure this doesnt happen again. as his parent it is still your responsibility to get him to school on time. you cannot simply shrug your shoulders and say that you told him but he wouldnt do it. you just have to hope that he isnt the sort of teen who now realises that if he cant be arsed to get up then he doesnt go into school. because thats a whole heap of different problems.

Morgan12 · 04/06/2019 15:24

Why couldn't you have left earlier and dropped him?

myvelvetscrunchie · 04/06/2019 15:25

Parent. Your. Child.

Er, she did Hmm.

FriarTuck · 04/06/2019 15:26

He needed to go to school and if she gave him a lift what would that teach?
If you combine the lift with a punishment (e.g. what I posted above) then you're demonstrating that school is important, that he will go to school, and that jerking you around incurs a punishment. Result = school + learning experience. At the moment he's learnt that if he misses the bus he can skip school with no consequences...

mabelmylove · 04/06/2019 15:28

You locked a 12 year old out of the house expecting him to walk an hour to school? I think I’d climb back through the window in that situation too!

Seeline · 04/06/2019 15:28

What is he usually like in the morning?
Does he usually get up when his alarm goes off?

Surely you keep track of how things are going in the morning - if he hadn't appeared at his usual time, didn't you check on him?

If it normally works fine, is it possible that his alarm did fail for some reason? Or maybe there is an underlying reason why he didn't want to be at school - did you talk to him about that?

I think possibly you were a little harsh on a 12yo. Just locking him out of the house with no means of getting to school other than an hour long walk. How late to school would he have been, and what would the consequences at school have been. Maybe he decided in his 12yo mind, that just not going was the easier option.

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