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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 16:53

SolitudeAtAltitude

It didn’t have to be that way because her son didn’t have to climb through the window and bunk off school. He made the wrong choice. His mother just expected him to walk a couple of miles. That isn’t “drama” - he made a bad decision.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 04/06/2019 16:53

Totally reasonable to expect him to walk, (assuming no SN and reasonable physical health,) and to sanction truanting today. That said it wouldn’t hurt to help him a bit by waking him up earlier in future.
Some of the responses on this thread explain why some of the 12 year old boys in my tutor group struggle to take responsibility for themselves!

ChicCroissant · 04/06/2019 16:53

You both sound quite alike, actually. But I think you were massively unreasonable today.

I get the impression that you engineered this situation this morning OP - 20 minutes is nowhere near enough time to get up and out for a bus and you knew that. You set him up to fail. The fact that you have younger children is not his fault, and an hour's walk to school is excessive so I wouldn't expect him to do that either.

My own DD attends a school that doesn't have public transport - mostly I take her but there is a private bus and if you miss that, you are completely sunk! The steep hill road we take doesn't even have pavements for the majority of it, no way would I expect her to walk it!

I think the school will be keeping an eye on both of you tbh! I think your plan is going to backfire and was a very PA way of trying to make a point. It's not logical to expect him to get himself to school, report him when he doesn't and yet plan to ferry him around in the evening. You need a bit of consistency there!

Why did you do that today? Was there some other reason?!

Rachelle11 · 04/06/2019 16:56

This post made me sad. 12 is still young. You don't need to baby him but he still needs attention. He probably feels ignored compared to the 1 yo and 7 yo despite still needing help. Locking him out was harsh. He needs a better morning routine with your help. Waking at 7 isn't sustainable.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/06/2019 16:56

Is this child in year 7? I am shocked at the fact he was locked out and expected to walk an hour to school. I have a 12 year old ds and I can't imagine locking him out of the house and going merrily on my way to work just 'hoping' that he would walk the hour to school.

I also have a 13 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 year old. I chose to have more than one child but none is more important than the other. In the mornings I am responsible for them all getting up on time, having the correct uniform, eating a decent breakfast, having the correct kits/musical instruments, bus fares and getting to school ON TIME. This happens every day from Monday to Friday in our house. I also work. By responsible I mean I don't have to make them all breakfast but I am responsible enough to ensure that breakfast items are available and to check that they have eaten. The oldest two set their own alarms but I still ensure that everyone is up in plenty of time to follow the morning routines. None of mine could be up and out in 20 mins and this would not be a good start to their day.

Were you worried about him being locked out all day? Couldn't you have just left earlier and dropped him off en route? I can't think of any situation where I would have acted as you did. Because I am a responsible parent. I am still considering whether this is a wind up or not.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 04/06/2019 16:57

I agree with the concept of taking a strict line (everyone has different conceptions of what a 12 year old is capable of or should be doing - I don’t know what your 12 year old is like), but regardless, you should communicate any consequences to him clearly and at a calmer time. Ie I would have helped him this time, then later that evening sit him down and explain exactly his responsibility, that you will remind him once only during the morning, and then you will be locking the door and expecting him to get to school himself.

Isatis · 04/06/2019 16:57

My DP leaves at 6am, getting him to wake him is a good idea though I fear he'll just go back to sleep.

Surely one of you can give him another call if he doesn't emerge?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 04/06/2019 16:58

How far away is the school?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/06/2019 16:59

Going forward I’d take his friend to his hobby and not let him take part, for the first one, then I’d let him do the other two sessions

Start to wake him earlier and give him a bit more attention in the mornings

By the way, I don’t think YWBU in what you did and I’d prob have done the same

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 16:59

The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out.

You really don't sound very nice OP.

There are many ways you could have tackled this mornings situation, that really wasn't one of them.

I feel right sorry for him and the only reason he lies to you is because you don't have a good open line of communication in your relationship.

NeverSayFreelance · 04/06/2019 17:01

I think the unreasonable part is the 20 mins to get up and ready. I live alone and I wouldn't expect that of myself in the morning.

hmsvictory · 04/06/2019 17:04

And hours walk is a 25 minute drive? Where are you? Smack bang on the M25? I've just put somewhere into google maps that I know is a 60 minute walk. I like in an area with traffic, it's rush hour and the drive would be 9 minutes.

I'd have driven him OP this time, removed iPad for a couple of days as punishment and from now on wake him at 6.45 every day until he can do it himself.

20 minutes from bed to bus wasn't very long for him really. Especially just getting back into the swing of it after half term.

SoupDragon · 04/06/2019 17:06

I don't think children of that age should be left to take public transport to school.

That's ridiculous.

mummymeister · 04/06/2019 17:07

The crux of it OP is that from 8.15am until what, nearly 3pm you had absolutely no idea where your child was - none. you didnt get him to text you when he arrived at school. you didnt ask the school to call you if he didnt turn up. you had no idea where he was.

that, right there, is bad parenting.

you didnt want the 7 year old to be late for school. you didnt want your self to be late for work. but you were quite happy for a year 7 child to miss a day of school.

had he missed the bus and you had made a positive decision that he should then stay at home and miss school you would have known where he was and what he was up to. this isnt about babying a 12 year old. Its about knowing the whereabouts of a 12 year old boy and you did not.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/06/2019 17:09

Run past me again why you couldn't wake him earlier, or leave earlier to take him yourself?

MerryMarigold · 04/06/2019 17:10

You both sound very stubborn. Wonder where he gets it from Wink. I think I'd have driven him most of the way/ half the way, (probably nagging him all the way) even if the 7yo would be a bit late. I would probably have made him write a letter of apology to 7yo's teacher/ head teacher as well as to his form tutor, this evening. I know he missed the bus on purpose but there should have been a better punishment for that than walking 60min to school and still being late for school.

SunshineCake · 04/06/2019 17:11

Waking him at six because you don't seem willing too is really out of order.

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 17:12

If you think about it waking him at 7am only gave him 15 mins to get washed, dresses, eat breakfast and collect his belongings, unless there is a bus stop outside your front door he would probably need to leave at 7.15.

corythatwas · 04/06/2019 17:14

I have to say I also think some approaches here are a bit on the confrontational side. Yes, I expected my 12yo to be able to use public transport and get up on time.

But then again, I am 55 years old- if I had messed up, on one single occasion, and got out of bed very late, and dh had been in a position to help me, he would have done so. He may well have been cross but he would have done it. If my (older teen) ds found out, as he did the other day, that I was in some kind of trouble because I had messed up, he would try to help.

I think the transition from child to young adult is a twofold one. You expect them to take more responsibility but you also want them to experience adult helpfulness.

Those advocating cancelling the sports trip and leave the friend in the lurch have a very odd way of looking at how adults ought to behave towards other people they have promised a favour. -Yes, I know you often help me, and I had promised to help you, but actually I'm not going to because I find I can use you to punish my ds instead.
What kind of example is that setting for anyone involved? (dsfriend: don't trust OPsdsMum, she's really flakey; ds: well, promises obviously only mean something if they are convenient)

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 17:14

*I don't think children of that age should be left to take public transport to school.

That's ridiculous.*

The top one is my opinion, that's why I said I think.

The bottom one is your opinion.

I have a nearly 11 year old. I wouldn't be leaving them to get public transport alone to school and go off to work. Public transport is unreliable.

SunshineCake · 04/06/2019 17:15

My dd gets up at 7 to leave at 7:25 for the bus. I'd only knock if it was gone past seven. They've never been late except for when the bus company hasn't sent the bus. This happens more than is acceptable and one time they hadn't realised they hadn't sent it. I don't leave to do my stuff I've had a text to say the bus has come. If they slept in I'd drive them. They can't safely walk, Teri is no other way to get there other than bus or me. There's other ways to teach your children responsibility than locking them out and making them walk an hour. School is too important to dick about with.

Theredjellybean · 04/06/2019 17:15

i am shocked that people think a 12 year old should not walk for 60 mins to get to school.
He has two working legs ...its not a marathon, its a few miles walk for goodness sake.
and from sound of it he is perfectly capable of doing some kind of sports training three times a week so he must be reasonably physically fit.
when did children and teens become so precious and delicate they cannot be expected to walk ?

Cruelstepmother · 04/06/2019 17:16

At age 11 I had a one-hour journey to school, starting at 10 to 8. I hated getting up, was a well-behaved child but often missed the bus. Rather than wait an hour for the next one, I frequently HITCH-HIKED to school!! (I was lucky - every person who picked me up lectured me on how dangerous it was and I would agree sweetly not to do it again) Is this how you'd like your son to get to school if you don't drive him?

Like most PPs I think you should have driven him, but dropped the other child first so they wouldn't be late and he would be even later.

I would NOT stop him going to sports as a punishment. That would equate to humiliating him in front of his friend, and anyway sports are a good thing that should be encouraged - when I trained as a primary teacher I burned with anger to see naughty children told by other teachers, "Right! No PE for you, then!"

But from now on he needs to be up at 6.15am to allow for oversleeping - which means he needs an earlier bedtime.

MerryMarigold · 04/06/2019 17:17

For those saying 15-20 mins is not enough. It really is enough time to get dressed and clean teeth/ grab something to eat on the journey. If you really want to do it, you can, but OPs ds deliberately not rush himself. My kids have been guilty of this and they do need some kind of consequence. I think the best thing would be a written apology where he acknowledges the inconvenience to others that it caused.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:17

I would NOT stop him going to sports as a punishment. That would equate to humiliating him in front of his friend, and anyway sports are a good thing that should be encouraged

Maybe he deserves a bit of humiliation? Maybe that’s a natural consequence of his punishment? We need to stop making excuses. This boy will do this again if his mum doesn’t come down like a ton of bricks.