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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 04/06/2019 15:29

Clearly he does need to be part of your focus. Choosing to have younger children doesn’t mean you can be less responsible for your older child. Starting by getting him up much earlier and making sure he is ready to go 10 minutes before the bus.

Personally, I would have been late to work and driven him to school because missing school is not acceptable. Then he would be grounded for quite some time. Some jobs are more time sensitive than mine are though, so I understand that might not be an option.

dementedpixie · 04/06/2019 15:29

Giving him a lift would have meant he went to school. Punishment can come later.

Orchidflower1 · 04/06/2019 15:29

To be fair there is fault on both sides but as the adult the brunt has to fall on you.

You:
should have woken him earlier/ ensured alarm went off.
Should know what time school starts/ finishes.
Shouldn’t have locked him out.
Could have dropped him half way to school.
Could have phoned school and said he is coming but will be late.
Still care for the well being of your older child- does he feel left out?
Need to close downstairs windows when you go out.

Ds:
Should be up earlier
Needs to set his alarm
Should not have climbed back in.
Phoned school and said he is running late as mum accidentally locked him out/ in.
Should have got a later bus and gone to school or a public bus if it’s school bus.
Should have a consequence and show gratitude to his mum.

diddl · 04/06/2019 15:30

I probably would have taken him in at the time I planned to leave & let him be late.

Do you usually take him in & having to get the 7.20 bus doesn't happen very often?

ffs74 · 04/06/2019 15:33

My ds isn't keen on school and isn't great at getting up either. So to ensure he's on that bloody bus every morning, I wake him up everyday, make him a slice of toast while he gets ready and cheerfully push him (lovingly) out of the door.
Yes he could get himself up and he can definitely make toast but I need him at school and he would 100% miss the bus frequently if I left him to his own devices!

nokidshere · 04/06/2019 15:36

20 minutes isn't enough time to check someone is up and ready. If mine were leaving at 7:20 I'd be calling them at 6:30 and they would be up sometime in the next 10 mins or so.

Sounds like a lot of stress for nothing to be honest. Why didn't you just take him and let him deal with the consequences of being late?

Starlight456 · 04/06/2019 15:36

I have a 12 year old so I make sure he is awake an hour before he needs to leave.

Yes the one year old needs more physical support but 12 year olds need support in other ways.

EL8888 · 04/06/2019 15:37

He's being unreasonable and avoidant of school by the sound of it. At that age l got myself up and to school under my own steam. My Dad would either be at work or asked if he'd done a night shift. My mum had usually left for work shortly after l woke up. I never understand parents who take their children to and from school everyday. Understandable if they are young or there are no other options. Apart from that it's a rod for your own back and encouraging dependence. Why wouldn't he be locked out? He can’t lie round the house all day and it’s a security issue other wise

EL8888 · 04/06/2019 15:37

Asked = asleep

SkintAsASkintThing · 04/06/2019 15:38

If anything the 12yo does need more attention. That's the trickiest age ! You don't just get to opt out because he's the eldest.

I'd have taken in him, told his teacher why he was late so he'd have to deal with the consequences (( detention ? )) Then made it clear he loses a.lift for training.

Your way just causes conflict. God help you when the teenage years really kick in.

fairweathercyclist · 04/06/2019 15:39

I wouldn't be this harsh on a 12 year old but I only have one child.

However, I don't really think a one hour walk is that bad, as one-off, and he certainly needs to learn the consequences of bunking off school, there is absolutely no excuse for that. He's clearly sporty so a long walk is easy for him!

mummymeister · 04/06/2019 15:40

£60 per parent per child for unauthorised absences. the state thinks you are still responsible for ensuring he gets to school on time. how are you going to explain this absence to the school or are you just going to say its his fault?

You havent parented your child. you left him on the door step. you had no idea he hadnt gone to school or indeed where he was during the hours of shutting him out and you returning home from work.

4strings · 04/06/2019 15:42

Assuming he's still in Y7, surely, surely, you should still be helping him out in the morning, i.e. getting him out of bed in time. Your 12 yo "isn't your focus" in terms of getting dressed, helping with washing, breakfast etc. but goodness me, don't pretend he doesn't exist!

If my 40 year old dh needs to be somewhere and has overslept, then as a decent and helpful person I will at least tell him to get up!

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 04/06/2019 15:43

A bus leaving at 7.20 or a 1 hour walk ... I think both options are pretty unreasonable. I'd give my child a lift personally. I also think you caused the problem by only waking him up 20 minutes before the bus leaves! Does he not wash in the morning? Eat breakfast? Etc? 20 minutes isn't enough time and I mean he's only 12. It wouldn't have killed you to get him up a bit earlier or give him a lift to make his start to the day a little easier or more pleasant? I wouldn't lock him out the house and just hope he went to school! Your child might have annoyed you but he is a child and I don't think you did the right thing in this situation. I think you should be more responsible. Sorry.

PinkHeartLovesCake · 04/06/2019 15:45

So you allowed your child to stay home from school rather than take him in? Your his parent, his 12 making sure he attends school is your responsibility! His a CHILD, you are the PARENT

Having 2 younger dc does NOT mean you don’t have to parent your oldest. Seriously many people have 3 dc and there children made it to school today.

Locking him out, Quite happy to lock a child out but can’t run them to school....

Yes you were very unreasonable and you’ve handled this all wrong

Boom45 · 04/06/2019 15:45

I think you're being pretty hard on a 12 year old, who (i assume) didn't chose to live an hour's walk from his school. I had a similar journey to school at that age and my parents wouldn't give me a lift (no car) but they made sure i was up in time to have breakfast and catch my bus.

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 15:45

I think you were massively naive to think he was going to go to school. I wouldn't expect him to do an hours walk. I would have taken him to make sure he actually went. Then punished him for not getting up and ready on time.

happyhillock · 04/06/2019 15:46

Your going to have to get him up earlier, i wouldn't have expected either of mine to walk an hour to get to school, i would have done exactly what he did, he's still pretty young for you to be expecting him to behave like an adult

Seeline · 04/06/2019 15:47

I think you were a bit harsh on a 12 to. How is he normally at getting up and out?

If he normally gets up is it possible that his alarm did fail? Don't you keep an eye on his progress in the morning? If he didn't appear when he usually does, why didn't you check on him?

I think just locking him out and leaving him with no altertives other an hour long walk is not right for a 12 to. How late to school would be have been? Maybe his 12 to Brian told him missing the whole day would be better than the consequences of being late.

If he was deliberately trying to miss the bus have you any idea why that might be - problems on the journey or issues at school?

Maybe he just feels that he really doesn't matter and the younger two are more important.

22Giraffes · 04/06/2019 15:47

I think you're being a bit harsh to be honest. He is only 12, still a child. He should be just as much in your focus as your other 2 children. Yes he is of the age where he should be becoming more independent but he still deserves some support with this.

Ultimately he is only 12 so it still falls to you to get him to school, you can't just absolve all responsibility.

Seeline · 04/06/2019 15:48

Oops double post. I thought the first one had got lost.

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 15:48

Also think Boom45 makes a good point.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 15:49

He was told to get up and didn’t. He lied and missed the bus deliberately. He bunked off school. Obviously he is the one in the wrong.

What are the consequences?

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 15:51

Also pretty irresponsible to leave a child of 12 to get to a school so far away alone.

Londonmummy66 · 04/06/2019 15:51

I think that you are getting a hard time on here OP - 7.20 isn't that early for a school bus. I do think that you should have got him up earlier but once he knew that missing the bus meant no lift he should have walked to school - climbing back in through a window is totally unacceptable behaviour at secondary school age.

What time does he go to bed and does he have tech etc in his room/ a tech curfew? I'd be sending him to bed by 9.30 at the latest with no tech (take it out of his room if necessary and switch the wifi off) until he is able to get himself up at 6.30 or so for a week.

However, do talk to him to see if there is anything going on at school that caused him to bunk off today.