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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 04/06/2019 15:53

What were you doing that you were leaving too late to drive him?

Londonmummy66 · 04/06/2019 15:53

Also pretty irresponsible to leave a child of 12 to get to a school so far away alone.

A lot of London children have an hours journey on public transport so even further and manage it quite well by the end of September in year 7 let alone the summer term. He's 12 - not a baby any longer

LL83 · 04/06/2019 15:53

If it was the first time this happened yabu.

If he has had a lift in the past and warned it can't happen again then yanbu.

However if I was hoping he would go to school i would have went back to check (but my work is quite flexible may not be possible for everyone)

Parker231 · 04/06/2019 15:57

A 12 year old should be perfectly capable of setting his own alarm and getting himself out of the house on time. Mine got two tubes to school - I couldn’t take them as I worked in a different direction.

He isn’t a baby. Ground him for missing school.

HiJuice · 04/06/2019 15:57

How long does the bus take? Presumably over an hour - what school starts before 8.20 am? If I were him I'd rather walk. Anyway agree with pp it's a bit sad that you don't make sure he's up and help him leave on time, the odd day when he needs it. I also don't think 1 day at home will have done any harm. Shows great initiative that he got back in!

KittiesInsane · 04/06/2019 15:58

In similar-ish circumstances, OP, I have taken my child, but charged them for my time and fuel.

(I also used to do that for anything forgotten that desperately needed dropping off at school.)

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 04/06/2019 15:59

I have a ds who is 12 there's no way I'd lock him out of the house and 'hope' he'll walk for 60 minutes to school.
Wake him up at a reasonable time to make the 7.20 bus. I take ds to school but he gets the bus home however if I knew I couldn't give him a lift and he needed to be on the bus in morning is make sure he was up in enough time to make the bus
He's not an adult he's only 12. Having younger ones can make him seem a lot older but he's not really. And the older they get the more they need from you.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/06/2019 16:00

7.20 bus is perfectly reasonable. And DS (14) can turn around getting up and out in about 8 minutes, including some basic hygiene.

Is there a later bus he could have got and arrived late at school?

My older 2 (12, 14) both have to get a train (and DS a train and a bus) which runs every 15 mins. So if they miss it, they just get on the next one. Were there no other public transport options?

I have to say I don't know what else you were meant to do if you had to be at work yourself for eg. I think I probably would have taken him in the car to drop off the younger children and plopped him at an appropriate bus stop for a later bus?

cheeseypuff · 04/06/2019 16:00

YABU - expecting a 12 year old child to get up & out of the house in 20 mins. I also think you should have reminded him the night before that you wouldn't be able to drive him.

Whilst it is frustrating to have to give him a lift after that discussion, school is a priority & he needs to be shown this. I would have taken him to school but also imposed some form of punishment. E.g. no sporting activities, or no electronics - whatever the currency in your household is.

In future, have an agreement that you will wake him at a certain time (I would suggest 6:45), give one reminder if he doesn't get up himself, on the expectation that he will leave in time to catch the bus.

If the same happens again then sanctions are put in place until he learns.

mrsm43s · 04/06/2019 16:00

I would have made sure he was up well before 7 for a 7.20 bus.

I would still be taking responsibility for getting a 12 year old to school (or onto the school bus) regardless of having younger siblings.

I wouldn't expect him to walk 60 minutes or lock him out of the house. If you really couldn't give him a lift, then I would have called him a cab. Maybe taken the money from his pocket money.

I have a 13 and a 14 year old, and despite them setting their own alarms and mostly being responsible for themselves, I still check and make sure they are up on time, and leave in time for school. Two days a week I have to leave 20 mins before them to catch my train to work, and I make sure they are up, dressed and eating breakfast before I leave, and I then ring them from the train 10 mins after they should have left to make sure they are walking to school!

12 year olds should be starting to do stuff for themselves, but at that age the ultimate responsibility still rests with you.

Also, surely he should have a key, or access to one in a keysafe? He shouldn't be climbing in windows anyway.

ComeAndDance · 04/06/2019 16:00

I would have woke him up. Not at 7.00am but the latest at 6.30am.

I would get an alarm for him but would still ensure he is up at te right time anyway.

Oh and ensure he gets to sleep at a decent time. Not 10.00pm or later.

Original poster
CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 16:01

Thank you for your responses. I'll try not to miss anything, apologies if I do.

School starts at 8.30. I planned to leave at 8.15 and he so would've been around 10 mins late. If he'd walked when I originally told him he needed to he would've have been late.
My DP leaves at 6am, getting him to wake him is a good idea though I fear he'll just go back to sleep.
I'm not sure what the underlying problem is. But I do know that when we lived 5 mins walk from his primary school he would get up, have breakfast and walk to school with no input needed from me

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 04/06/2019 16:01

In similar-ish circumstances, OP, I have taken my child, but charged them for my time and fuel.

Wtf Confused you charge your child for taking them to school? Jesus Christ.

ElizaPancakes · 04/06/2019 16:01

I don’t see anything wrong with what you did OP, yes you could have dragged him out of bed, you could have taken him in, you could have left the door unlocked (wtf).

mummymeister · 04/06/2019 16:01

the fundamental point here is that it is the OP's responsibility to ensure that her child attends school. she knew he was going to be late but because only the younger children matter he was just left to it.

so yes, of course he is in the wrong by not setting his alarm, getting up and keeping to the routine but, at the end of the day, its a parents job to parent and that means keeping an eye on the time and what is happening to ensure that your child gets to school.

of course he isnt a baby but he isnt an adult either. lucky you if you have the perfect teen

ElizaPancakes · 04/06/2019 16:04

I posted too soon but actually the OPs further update highlights something I wanted to say.

What if she worked and had to be out before he leaves for school, as many parents (OPs partner and presumably dad of the kid) do? Is a single parent who leaves at 8am ‘not parenting’ (I paraphrase) because they trust their child to go to school?

I think get him an alarm clock, give him an early bedtime for a week or so because he clearly can’t wake up, and if he spent all day playing on his Xbox or whatever, I’d remove that for a weekend day as well.

TeacupDrama · 04/06/2019 16:04

it is considered that 3 miles is a reasonable distance for a child over 8 to walk to school ie an hour, ok you might technically be just over 3 miles so he is entitled to school transport but he has to get to the bus,
I would probably give a lift the first time, maybe twice but third time would be walking

I had a friend who gave her kids 5 passes a year when she would taken them to school instead of the bus, maybe running late or just didn't feel like it once 5 used it was walking ( obviously if someone had an injury that needed crutches the rules would not apply)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/06/2019 16:05

I've had DCs with pre 7.30 am journeys. At age 12, they are not perfect, they do oversleep occasionally. When I think back one DC grew nearly a foot in one year, not surprising he was always dropping off. One of mine found it particularly hard to get up in the mornings. They need a bit of help and support. At the end of the day it was up to me to make sure they got up in time to catch the bus and if they missed it to make sure they got to school and didn't miss lessons, no matter how inconvenient it was personally. I would regard locking them out of the house all day as a safety issue.

LillithsFamiliar · 04/06/2019 16:05

By the time you locked him out, you knew he was going to be late so I don't understand why you didn't just drive him to school. Then impose a consequence later.
I also think if you usually give him a lift but couldn't do so today then you should have made sure he was up in lots of time because you're the one who changed the arrangement.

onmyholibobs · 04/06/2019 16:06

Does he do the hour walk often? Is there a history of this happening? If not, then I think you were a bit harsh. My DS has to get the bus at 7.20 too. He has an alarm set for 6.30 but I still have to cajole him out of bed most mornings - they are going through an enormous period of change and need their sleep at this age so they are not great in the mornings . I also like to make sure he has a decent breakfast and time to wake up properly before he leaves the house. Have a good chat with his to see if there is an issue he isn't telling you about and then make sure his alarm his set earlier - and loud!! even then you may still need to give him a nudge to make sure he is up. Also - why does he not have his own key???

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 16:06

A lot of London children have an hours journey on public transport so even further and manage it quite well by the end of September in year 7 let alone the summer term. He's 12 - not a baby any longer

He's also not an adult, and I don't think children of that age should be left to take public transport to school.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 04/06/2019 16:06

It is your responsibility he gets to school, if his attendance drips it is you who will be in court. You should have taken him, let him face the consequences of being late and had an additional punishment at home, not going to sports club, removal of electronic devices, earlier need time to ensure he gets up etc. Your method was to lock him out?! He's twelve and yes needs to learn to get up, but he's now missed a day of school which he probably isn't that bothered about, so I'm not sure what you've achieved. It sounds like you lost your temper and stormed off.

Original poster
CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 16:07

I do know what time he's supposed to be at school but when someone lies to your face it's easy to doubt yourself. I checked the website within 2 mins. I couldn't take him to school as then my 7yo DS would be late
mummy I feel like we've had this chat so many times but what you've written does make sense and we are going to have to do it again
I've asked his grandad if he'd be willing to take the friend tonight and not DS but he has said no. Fair enough really. I don't want to let friend's mum down as she has helped us with lifts in the past
Consequences are no phone or laptop till the weekend and whatever school decides to do.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 04/06/2019 16:08

Also if you expect him to be up dressed and at the bus stop in twenty minutes, when does he shower, have breakfast and brush his teeth? He is still a child and it's down to you and your husband to see that his basic needs are met.

mummymeister · 04/06/2019 16:08

the difference captain is that he is now a teenager and they change - a lot. they need a lot more input - seriously what I said earlier about parenting teens - I have found it way more work and effort than ever I did when they were younger.

you should have taken the hit to be 10 mins late and then sat down with him later on just the two of you and told him how this had affected you, your job etc.

Honestly OP you had better get used to sleepy teenagers and poor time keeping. some of mine are late teens now and only just getting back to "normal"

put a better strategy in place now and realise that he needs more attention not just left to get on with it.