DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

He's 12. We all have off days. Help your kid out ffs. Honestly some MNetters seem to actually despise their kids.

Also he's only twelve - it would be your responsibility if something had gone wrong and he had come to harm.

And imagine telling school he's truanting - wouldn't be surprised they may look into what's going on and call you in.

I would not have locked a 12 year old out of the house.

I would certainly have woken him earlier.

I would not have walked away from him and expected him to walk for a whole hour to get to school!

There is a difference between pandering to a child who is being difficult and trying to make it easier for him to achieve what is needed. If you want him to succeed in getting things right, you have to set the scene and make it possible. At the moment this poor child can't win: you wake him up too late to get the bus, then expect him to sort the situation out.

I am amazed that he is going to a school so fr away - an hour's walk!!

You know he did it on purpose. I think you did the right thing myself - consequences for his actions.

As to feeling sorry for a 12 year old walking an hour - every child in my home village walks 40 in each direction each way (split by a train journey), and as a kid I didn't think twice about saving the bus fare at my grandparents and walking an hour to town instead... Kids that age can walk an hour as a one of and it's not going to kill them!

He's 12 years old - sometimes 12 year olds need help to get up on time, it's normal. Their hormones means they need more sleep and most teenagers don't function especially well at 7am due to their changing sleep patterns.

When I was that age I got the bus to school at 8am. I set an alarm for 7am. My dad still had to shout up the stairs at 7.30am to make sure I was up because I was liable to hit snooze and go back to sleep multiple times before finally bothering to get out of bed!

The point being - you're his mum and it's your job to get him to school on time. Of course he should be able to do it himself, but he's 12 - sometimes they need chivvying along.

There's a line between babying a teenager and doing everything for them, and making them to it all themselves.

Ok he was out of order but at that age as his mother you should be at the very least making sure he gets out of bed with enough time to eat, wash and get dressed.

I wouldn't have locked him out of the house I would have driven him to a bus stop or to school and put myself out as a one off but reminded him it wouldn't be happening again.

If it’s just a 60min walk away, I would expect him at his age to walk to and from school in the summer and next time would be dragging him out of bed and straight into a cold shower at 5am to facilitate thjs. But I don’t tolerate skiving school.

I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning

Maybe so but that doesn't mean your ds doesn't also need you in the morning. He's Year 7 right? I think we under-estimate that secondary school is hard for some children and although they are becoming more independent they still need a lot of parental input.

I think it was mean to drive off and leave him there, there's no way I would have done that to a 12 year old (or even older child come to that). As for the lifts to sports clubs....kids often don't show their gratitude until they are older, it doesn't mean they don't appreciate it though. And I would always facilitate dc doing exercise whether they are grateful or not.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy
Wtf you charge your child for taking them to school?

After their deliberately mucking about and missing the transport that would get them there, meaning I missed part of my own working day to do so?

Yes.

Didn't have to do it often before they felt the pinch.

Others may think it normal but I wouldn't be that keen to get a school bus at 7.20, if I wasn't starting school until 8.30 either.

Are there no other transport OP available? Is the route too busy for cycling which would mean he can stay in bed for longer.

next time would be dragging him out of bed and straight into a cold shower at 5am to facilitate thjs. But I don’t tolerate skiving school.

That would abusive so I hope you're exaggerating.

I have a teenage DSS, he's just reached 13 & gets up at 6am rain or shine, weekend or not - it's just when he wakes up.

12 year old should be getting up earlier

@CarolDanvers - no it’s not abusive. If that child became involved in drug dealing while he was skiving (as often happens in cities) now that would be abusive.

Twenty past seven bus for an eight thirty start how far are you from school? So it’s quicker to walk?
That’s an early start I think but if that’s where you live I guess you have to do that. He needs to up before seven I think.
Can’t just lock him out and hope for the best though.
Wake him earlier maybe half six.
Only advice I have, seems early to me though.

The posters / parents on here saying UABU along with their "shock/horror at your actions are the reason some kids are entitled little shits. You did right this morning, at 12 hes perfectly capable of walking to school, you need to follow through this evening and punish him for playing truant. Good parenting in my opinion

In similar-ish circumstances, OP, I have taken my child, but charged them for my time and fuel

Some people are really mean to their kids! I think sometimes we are so keen to foster independence in our dc, we forget to be kind. Do you want your dc to treat you like that if you make a mistake or miss an appointment when you're old?

I probably do more than I should in terms of lifts etc for my dc and would probably get judged by MN but I don't care. I'm teaching them by example how to be kind and help each other out. They will still become independent adults in spite of this.

If it’s just a 60min walk away, I would expect him at his age to walk to and from school in the summer and next time would be dragging him out of bed and straight into a cold shower at 5am to facilitate thjs. But I don’t tolerate skiving school.

Glad I didn't have parents like you. If I did I probably wouldnt be in contact with them now.

An hour walk for a boy with no extra needs? Absolutely fine.

If he wasn't able to get back into the house he probably would have sat outside feeling sorry for himself then walked himself to school. He then would remember to get up in time for the bus in the future.

I'd ban electronics for the week for skiving school as 'obviously needs to go to bed earlier'.

no it’s not abusive. If that child became involved in drug dealing while he was skiving (as often happens in cities) now that would be abusive.

Er, what?!

Physically dragging children out of bed into cold showers in the early hours is justifiable, in case they might get into drug dealing?

Beyond ridiculous thing to say and I live in West London and know many streetwise kids.

Glad I didn't have parents like you. If I did I probably wouldnt be in contact with them now.

I did, and I am not.

At 12 years old he is still a child and it's YOUR responsibility to get him to school OP.

oh, I think you have chosen a very confrontational parenting style here.

You were unreasonable (by not helping him get into a routine in the morning, checking he's awake in time) and he was unreasonable by deliberately missing the bus and climbing back onto the house.

When my DS did this once, I said I could take him to school after I'd taken his brother, so he'd be 40 minutes late. Or he could take the train, which would mean he'd be an hour late.

So i took him in, he was late, got an after school detention, missed the school bus back home, had to walk into town to get city bus home, paid for with his own pocket money.

For us this worked, as there were natural consequences (but no drama), and it did teach him it was not worth it.

If you are looking for confrontation and drama (locking someone out, them climbing in through window, arguments) you can fill your boots in the teen years but it does not have to be that way, imo

As to after school activities, I never expect my kids to be grateful for lifts, after all, they did not choose to live so far away from town/in the sticks!

I did, and I am not.

I don't blame you. Imagine living a life where you get charged for being late for school or forgetting to take something to school (even if that was a different poster). Like you said Carol being dragged into a cold shower at 5am, or anytime of the day is abuse! But is handed out as advice on how to deal with children, wtf!

twosoups1972 completely agree with you (maybe cause we are from same birth year )