Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 04/06/2019 16:09

Well take DS and not let him take part

There are more ways to skin a cat

NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 04/06/2019 16:09

If he usually takes the bus, does he know how to get to school by walking?

If it was a first offence, I think I would have taken him. But it would be early to bed and up at 6 for the foreseeable future.

anyoldvic · 04/06/2019 16:09

DS missed his bus for the first time last week. I wasn't happy and he knew it, but I drove him to meet the bus in the next village as there are no alternatives. And he was properly apologetic. He missed it because he was messing about on his phone, so I confiscated it for a couple of days.

I do check he's up and getting ready every day though - he's quite good at going back to sleep after turning his alarm off. I definitely wouldn't trust a 12 year old to get themselves up and ready with no checking at all.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 04/06/2019 16:09

How on earth do you not know what time he starts school?!

I have a 12yo in year 7. She gets up at 6.45 to leave for school at 8am. She gets herself in the shower or gets her breakfast if I'm not up as early as she is. She needs reminding of the time and that she's got left before she needs to be out of the door but she's otherwise fine despite probable ADD. If she's not up by 7am I wake her up. Why didn't you help him instead of leaving him to it? He's 12, not 14. They are still getting used to high school and need support with time management sometimes.

YABU to lock him out and not ensure he gets to school. You are his parent and he must have felt pretty abandoned and pissed off. It sounds like you are too busy with the younger ones to see that he's ok. You don't have time for him. He must know he's way down your list of importance. Poor kid.

Did you say it's an hours walk to school? Why would he purposely miss the bus when you told him you were too late to take him? Unless maybe that was his way of ensuring your company and attention.

Bunking off is not on and yes your security is shit but this needs addressing now as likely to get worse and it will be you in the shit if he's missing school.

I agree with pp: parent him. He needs you just as much as the little ones.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/06/2019 16:10

"I also think you should have reminded him the night before that you wouldn't be able to drive him."

I dunno about some of the posters here but in our household anyone secondary school age gets themselves to school on the more than adequate and very convenient public transport (partly as they go 8 miles each in opposite directions). Lifts will be given only in emergencies. If they miss the bus/train, they get the next one and if that makes them late that's how they learn to be on time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2019 16:15

I don't think I'd have just locked him out and expected him to walk.
I would probably have taken him at the time I was leaving and let him be late.
I'd have been pretty bloody annoyed with him though for being such a toad and trying to get out of school by deliberately missing the bus.

CatG85 · 04/06/2019 16:16

If this isn't a regular occurrence I think I would have taken him to be honest, late or not. At least then you would have known where he was, that he was safe. You weren't to know he could get in a window so really, he could have gone anywhere or anything could have happened.

I know he's 12 and capable of getting himself to school, this I agree with but by public transport. I think a 60 minute walk is pretty unfair to ask of him. I know everyone is saying he's not a baby but he is still only 12, a CHILD, who parents are still responsible for. Therefore IMO you should have made sure he got to school not just left.

As most have said, he just needs to get up earlier. If that means you getting up earlier than I think you may just need to take this one on the chin and do it.

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2019 16:17

He’s 12 - he should be able to get himself out of bed and on the school bus on time. If he doesn’t and he has to walk tant pis. If he doesn’t even bother to walk and stays home I would certainly not be ferrying him to his sport again until he pulls himself together.

Riverside85 · 04/06/2019 16:17

When and how did you discover he wasn’t in school, and what did he do in the house by himself all day?

diddl · 04/06/2019 16:17

Does he usually get the bus?

Could you have taken the 7yr old & then taken him?

If he was up & out of the house then he should have walked.

An hr this time of year & as a one off.

I'd be really pissed off at him for choose not to go to school because he cba to walk for an hr.

He might be pissed off at seeing the younger one ferried to school, but perhaps he was at that age & it will stop when the 7yr old goes to 2ndry?

Original poster
CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 16:18

I totally should have posting this tonight because now I'm struggling to look after the grumpy toddler and reply. I have read all the responses though and will re read and reply later
FWIW I do know what time he starts school. I'm probably guilty of all the other criticisms though

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/06/2019 16:19

I would have taken him after taking the 7 yr old so only he would’ve been in trouble at school-my DC get a detention if late and also would not let him do the activities this week-would be explaining to friend why so friend knows why he has been let down.

QueSera · 04/06/2019 16:19

I'm quite shocked at how harsh you're being towards a 12-year-old. Sure he's not as young as your other children, but he is still young enough to need and deserve some attention, as this morning has shown.
You didn't get him up early enough to catch his bus; then you locked him out of the house and expected him to walk 60mins. All seem very overly harsh to me. I understand that you have busy mornings with the younger children, but your eldest is still a child too.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 16:20

Hold on: yes, it is the OP’s ultimate responsibility that her child goes to school. That doesn’t mean she has to take him to school. She has arranged for him to use public transport. He chose not to do so. Her responsibility now is to punish him for lying and being lazy, then next time he will go to school and the OP will have fulfilled her parenting responsibility.

pigeonscooing · 04/06/2019 16:25

Grounded.

He's going to have to miss his hobby then, and if the friend has to miss it as well, then that's unfortunate. Your ds needs to be grounded for bad behaviour, and the friend will just have to suck it up I'm afraid.

FriarTuck · 04/06/2019 16:26

But I do know that when we lived 5 mins walk from his primary school he would get up, have breakfast and walk to school with no input needed from me
Yes but primary school is a whole different experience. It's more like a day of fun compared to secondary school. And 5 mins walk is a bit different to 60 mins. You're expecting him to be grown up when he's at an age when sometimes he still needs to be a child, and at other times he's becoming a moody teenager...

BringMeTea · 04/06/2019 16:26

You did nothing wrong and he needs punishing for bunking off and breaking into the house. All the handwringers on here about a 12 year old walking for an hour as a one off!

BlackPrism · 04/06/2019 16:26

I'd have put him in a cab and taken his phone off of him for the week.

FriarTuck · 04/06/2019 16:27

And merely removing his phone / technology till the weekend isn't much of a punishment for bunking off, lying and effectively breaking into the house. Particularly when he still gets 3 days of sports.

BlackPrism · 04/06/2019 16:27

When I missed my bus I'd call my cousins and ask them to get the driver to stop at my not on his route stop. He always did he was a star

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 16:29

FriarTuck

^

Say to the friend, sorry, but his behaviour has been absolutely outrageous this week and he isn’t going. I hate to let you down but I’ve had to draw a line.

Branleuse · 04/06/2019 16:30

are you really rural? Leaving at 7.20 every morning is so early!
No I wouldnt have locked my 12 year old out, I would have taken them into school, but I wouldnt make a habit of it

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/06/2019 16:30

This on on you tbh. He's 12 and him getting to school is your responsibility. Wake him earlier.

stayclosetoyourself · 04/06/2019 16:31

I can't believe you locked him out - I think you should have taken him in, spoken tonight about getting up earlier tomorrow.

TeacupDrama · 04/06/2019 16:31

A secondary school age child without any SEN should be able to get themselves to school on time there is a bus, babying 12 year old's is silly
30+ years ago I got myself to senior school all by myself if I was late I was late as my Father would have left before us to go to work in the only car it was 30 minute walk
23 years before that my Mother got herself to grammar school on buses 5 miles away from age 11, then there were no phones so if something went wrong you had to solve the problem yourself
not that long ago everyone got themselves to school after age 8, in many parts of Europe this is still the case. Children are capable of a lot more than adults imagine. Any NT child over 10 should be fit enough to walk 60 minutes and sensible enough to know the way to school
Did you see the programme planet child? Where of 3 pairs of 5-6 year old children were given a map and told to get to the London eye by themselves. They all managed it going through to park and getting the bus to Battersea and then deciding when to get off bus ( there were chaperons following them but not interfering)
While I remind my 9 year old DD and help her make her packed lunch she still walks 200 metres down lane to get school bus herself and walks back by herself in the evening