Be honest - would you judge the girl under 20 who has 2 children?

[namechange6678]

Honestly, what would your thoughts be at this?? Especially if the person looks under 20.

@namechange6678 and it looks like a lot of people agree with me. Why have you singled out my response?

I wouldn't judge but I expect many people would. My ex SIL had 2 by the age of 19. She was very petite and looked much younger. People use to comment on how good she was looking after her brother and sister

Breaker that's absolutely ridiculous

I had two by the age of 22, they are at uni now, I've gone back to uni (already have one degree) to retrain in a new career, I'm only 41. We're having a lovely life thank you very much, my kids grew up in a huge house in a beautiful rural hamlet. I've got many friends who have struggled to conceive in late 30s so I'm very grateful to have had mine while I was young. But judge away, it doesn't really matter what people think anyway

When younger I might have. Maybe.
Now, 100% empathy for what brought her there.

@breaker I haven't seen any other replies that say they'd pity the children because what hope of a nice life do they have!

Yes, in that I would feel really sorry for her, and a bit for her kids.

I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that she must be on benefits though, why should I!

I'd try not to, it's so negative and counter productive. I daresay things would cross my mind but I'd push them away.

If I was a friend, I'd urge her to ensure she has no more children.

I really don't understand what it has to do with anyone else! It's her life, she can do as she wishes. I didn't have kids till my 30's and have thought how lovely it must be to be so much younger as more likely to have decent time supporting them once they potentially have their own children.

@namechange6678 why are you asking? Are you in this position or are you asking about someone you know? Why do you care?

I would feel pity too tbh.

There are many reasons why people have children at any age. Contraceptive failure, planned children, rape, it is nobodies business.
I personally want children in my 30s, if I'm lucky enough, because I've wanted to go to uni and live the single uni life and have had no desire to have children in my 20s. I don't want dependants at the moment, I'd rather do all the travelling while I'm young and carefree without being a mum. But that's personal choice, other people have no desire to go to uni, or travel while young. So having children at any age is up to the individual and shouldn't be for others to judge!

I don't understand this pity nonsense at all, do we have to be so fucking patronising toward people who make different choices and have different priorities?

I would feel sorry for her for having missed out on her freedom and life experience by going straight from school to motherhood as well as admiring her for doing the hardest job on earth.

Everyone silently judges one thing or another.

Not on MN they don't. This is a judgement free zone, and no one judges anyone for anything. Apparently, we don't have the right! I've asked a few times what legislation took the right to judge away but no one has answered.

But MN is the only place where, if someone is walking down the street with a Swastika tattooed on their forehead, someone will come on and say we have no right to judge, and maybe they were kidnapped by Nazis and had it done against their will.

I really don't understand what it has to do with anyone else!

nothing really, but that goes for most things people would silently judge.

No. I'd only judge if she couldn't adequately look after her children.

I had children when my body was at peak fitness for it, I had the energy to cope well with sleepless nights; I was able to stay at home with them until they both were in school, I was able to work part-time when they were primary and secondary age, and now that they are both grown-up I am young enough to have another life more geared to my own needs and wants without having to stop midway through to do the child rearing thing.

My eldest attended one of the best grammar schools in the country and has a degree from a top 15 university. She is well on her way to being a top 10% earner, less than a year after starting her career.

My youngest isn’t academically orientated (not for lack of intelligence - she’s plenty clever) but absolutely is and will continue to be a ‘success’ in her own right too, in the way that best suits her.

So please don’t presume to pity me, nor my children.

I would feel sorry for her and assume she'd come from a similar sort of background.

I don't understand this pity nonsense at all

It's projecting, I would pity them all. At 20 years old, you've done nothing, accomplished not much, and should enjoy being a 20 year old with the freedom and the youth you'll never have again.
Children are really hard work, are a huge commitment and I genuinely believe it's better for everyone to have a life before they come on the scene. You have to put them first, so it's much healthier if you have lived a little first.

On a boring practical level, most of us couldn't have afforded to have kids that young and financial security, the house in the right area, access to the right schools and so on.

Even if they are all grown-up by the time you are 40, you are still helping out financially, you don't get "free" from your children (and thank god for that!)

Judge no. Envy, definitely not.

I had children when my body was at peak fitness for it, I had the energy to cope well with sleepless nights; I was able to stay at home with them until they both were in school, I was able to work part-time when they were primary and secondary age, and now that they are both grown-up I am young enough to have another life more geared to my own needs and wants without having to stop midway through to do the child rearing thing.

that applies to mothers like me who chose to have them later. Never had more energy than in my 30s, wouldn't have the financial freedom in my 20s, and will be more than young enough to go back to child-free life when they are fully grown-up, even if we will still have to find the funds to help with weddings, mortgages and so on!

I wouldn’t judge exactly as st normal to have sex before you are 20 and contraceptive failures happen. If I knew the mother had purposely set out to get pregnant then I would think she was immature and irresponsible.
I would also worry (silently) about the kids. The outcomes for children with young mothers are very much worse than those with lightly older parents. The facts speak for themselves. You hear of lots of amazing teen Mums and I have no doubt they exist but generally it’s a bad idea to have kids when you are very young yourself because the children may well be disadvantaged. It’s also bad for women to have kids young for many reasons including much higher rates of post natal depression etc.

Not at all. I sometimes wish I'd had a family when I was much younger (I was 34 when I had our only child).

I'm not saying I never judge anything, of course I do. I'd be far judgier of someone having a child in their late 40s than someone having children in their late teens.

I'm 18, I only have one dc and don't plan on having another in the near future, so slightly different situation. But pity? Really?

I live a very happy and fulfilled life, and do my best to ensure ds (12 months) is provided with a secure and loving environment. We rent a cottage in the countryside, a lovely place for ds to spend his early years. DP works and I work part-time. We lead a very ordinary, family lifestyle. Life quality is good. Yes it can be hard; but pity seems a little far fetched.

Why are you asking?