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AIBU?

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Original poster

About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

191 replies

Beachcomber · 03/06/2019 15:19

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 15:22

It’s not of your business. Actually, it’s especially none of yours!

If dh wants to stick his nose in with his brother or sister that’s bad enough but you have no right.

MIL is a grown up. If she didn’t want to do it she should have said, instead of agreeing then moaning to her other son about it.

And I say that as someone who wouldn’t leave her children for six weeks if u could help it, and certainly wouldn’t ask parents to do this.

PuppyMonkey · 03/06/2019 15:22

Crikey, YANBU. Shock

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2019 15:25

When you were asked to help it became your business. A quick phone call from your dh to reiterate that you aren't really available to help due to your other commitments wouldn't go amiss. Do they know?

Teddybear45 · 03/06/2019 15:26

They are working. They asked their parents to take care of the kids and the parents said yes. Your in laws should not now be trying to guilt trip you into helping them and you should really tell them that they shouldn’t have accepted if they can’t handle it, but now they have they need to step up.

By the way my sister’s pil are also in their seventies and have provided 4-6 weeks complete care when she and bil had to work overseas. They handled it just fine.

Bibijayne · 03/06/2019 15:27

I think your DH could have a quiet word saying that your PIL's have asked for help because they're stressed about having your DNs for the whole 6 weeks and you and he are unable to help out much. More of a;

"Hi sis/bro, did you know mum and dad asked us to help out with your DCs over the summer? We'd love to, but don't have much free time. Mum/ dad seem a bit stressed. Thought I'd let you know in case they hadn't told you guys the full picture. Think they're a bit embaressed and worried they won't be able to offer your DCs as much care and fun as they'd like to. Hope all is well with you and the family."

Don't be accusatory. Frame it more as a concern. Likelihood is your PIL have volunteered (probably when they last had your DNs) and haven't let on that they find it quite hard. Your SIL and BIL may be a CFers, or they may be totally clueless. Easiest to get them asking questions and thinking about it rather than telling them or your PIL's what they should do.

Dontthinkofthegame · 03/06/2019 15:27

I think you need to be more realistic with your PIL as from how you have phrased it it sounds like you will help out a bit when in all honesty it sounds like you won’t be helping at all. (Which is fine!)

If you can tell PIL that you can give them realistically x amount of time then your PIL can decide if they are happy to look after the DC for the majority.

Ultimately I think your PIL will have to have the conversation with BIL and SIL or it will just cause a fall out coming from you and DH.

I wonder if your PIL think when you see them tired etc that you will do more and pick up the slack? I would make it very clear to begin with that you can’t and won’t be doing that, then it’s down to them what they decide with your in-laws.

swingofthings · 03/06/2019 15:30

It all depends on the situation. If they are not working but got this opportunity to do seasonal work and earn some money then it isn't so unreasonable.

Summersunshine2 · 03/06/2019 15:33

Blimey that sounds like hard work!
I agree with others - be realistic and clear what help you can give to PIL ASAP. Then it is for them to deal with.
The BIL and SIL have not asked you to help so not for you to get involved in (if this was my sister I would totally get involved, but our relationship would survive it - I'm not sure yours would?).

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/06/2019 15:33

This is a difficult one. Depending on what DH's relationship with BIL/SIL (whichever one is his sibling) is like it may be ok for him to call and say he's worried that it might be too much for his DP's. But he would have to be very careful how he phrased it. It could come across as being judgemental of their choices (which, no offence, but you clearly are although I do understand why) or he could drop your PIL in it if it SIL/BIL think they've been complaining to you about them.

6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents

I don't disagree but that's really not your call to make when it comes to other people's children. This is why, if your DH decides to speak to SIL/BIL he needs to focus on it being too much for PIL, not having a pop about their parenting.

sunshinesupermum · 03/06/2019 15:36

I would 'interfere' on behalf of your MIL and FIL in this case.

Being 70 years old myself there is no way I could cope with 2 such young children for one week let alone six. Your MIL probably wants to help as much as she can but doesn't want to be seen to be unable to. She should never have been put in this situation no matter how dire your BIL/SIL's financial situation is. It's beyond me how SIL can leave a six month old for six weeks anyway!

mummmy2017 · 03/06/2019 15:36

Are there not grandparents or relations on the other side and of the family?..
Nursery. So they get a rest.

agnurse · 03/06/2019 15:37

I wouldn't say anything to BIL and SIL, but YWNBU to tell MIL and FIL that you're not able to help.

Drum2018 · 03/06/2019 15:38

It is your business when PIL are trying to rope you all in to help. In that case I'd have no problem saying to bil/sil that you and your family won't be available to help, as requested by mil. As for your mil maybe your Dh could encourage her to speak up if she's stressed but ultimately it's up to her and fil to tell them that it's too much. I agree your inlaws have a cheek asking the parents to mind such small children for so long. What kind of bloody jobs have they that they won't be home during that time?

Belindabelle · 03/06/2019 15:39

Surely they won't both be working for 42 days straight? Could they not travel to see their children on their days off. I can't imagine not seeing my children for 42 days.

PotteringAlong · 03/06/2019 15:40

Will the children be in nursery in the day or just with grandparents?

TixieLix · 03/06/2019 15:40

@Teddybear45
By the way my sister’s pil are also in their seventies and have provided 4-6 weeks complete care when she and bil had to work overseas. They handled it just fine.

Stop projecting. Just because your DS' PIL were able to cope doesn't mean everyone else could do the same.

HollowTalk · 03/06/2019 15:40

Are they not even going to be home for weekends?

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 03/06/2019 15:41

I agree that this really isn’t your business. There is no way in hell I would have left my DC for that long at that age but presumably their parents feel they have no choice.

Given that it’s going to happen I think it’s better for the children that they are with their grandparents the whole time rather than dividing the care between you and the GP. They will probably be unsettled enough without their parents without making it worse by adding in additional carers. If you can support the Gp in other ways (doing shopping/laundry or popping in for visits) that would be kind but that’s your decision.

pallisers · 03/06/2019 15:42

It is going to be very upsetting for the baby and toddler to have no contact with either parent for 6 weeks.

It will be exhausting for your in laws. I'd rather lend/give them money than take on that responsibility for that length of time.

In my family, someone would say something - dh would call his brother and say "look have you thought this through because I don't think mum and dad will cope and we can't really help".

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 03/06/2019 15:43

It’s not of your business. Actually, it’s especially none of yours!

Stupid reply. Of course it's her business she's been asked to help. Try reading the OP instead of making it up.

Pinkvoid · 03/06/2019 15:43

Your PIL shouldn’t have said yes, it’s as simple as that. They can’t cope with it and don’t want to do it so shouldn’t have agreed to. I suggest they either backtrack and explain they’re not up for doing it or get on with it. Either way, you can’t really help out as you explained so it’s down to them to sort out really.

Aghast at your SIL and BIL leaving a baby and toddler for six weeks Shock.

Galaxy88 · 03/06/2019 15:44

Why wont BIL and SIL be back for the whole 6 weeks? Sorry if this has been cleared up, strange that they wont have a weekend off in the entire 6 weeks.

IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 15:46

This reply has been deleted

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MsTSwift · 03/06/2019 15:47

That’s outrageous. My lovely parents are similar age and hands on and occasionally have my sisters 3 (under 6 one in nappies night waking) for the odd weekend and they are exhausted after that. God I would be tempted to say something

Daddylonglegs1965 · 03/06/2019 15:47

Blimey your bil and sil are definitely CF’s. Sounds like your in laws have been railroaded into this and they are already worrying how they will cope.
It’s not your place to intervene but be honest and clearer with your PIL about your availability and commitments. Then your PIL can decide what to do. Your husband could maybe have a conversation with his parents and perhaps his Brother (it maybe easier coming from him than you).

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