About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

[Beachcomber]

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

OP what a shocking situation. I have come across very similar close to my family. The bottom line is the PIL have got themselves into the situation and you really can't change much. However, you don't have to help out to the detriment of your family.

Unfortunately this will now be a recurrent pattern of a sibling taking advantage of PIL (financially and physically). In my experience both sides perpetuate it.

To protect your relationship with your PIL I would stay out of it beyond offering the very limited help that you can.

I agree with PP's that you need to establish very clear boundaries to avoid being pulled into the vortex of dysfunctionality.
I know that this easier said than done, but you need to for your own sanity.
Maybe your PIL being unable to cope and having to pull out after a couple of weeks would be a good thing. Because if they pull it off they will be asked to do it again. The parents will just have to dip into the 40K to pay for childcare.

Your Bil has taken advantage of their kindness. They should never have been asked to care for small children for a long period of time. That put them in an unfair position.
They want childcare they don’t care about anything else.
I was once put in this position. I had three children, my youngest was 2 months, my bil needed child care, he didn’t care that I didn’t have a spare room or even bed. He suggested his dc sleep on my sofa. His needs were put first and it wasn’t even for work it was for pleasure. He assumed as I was at home anyway it was fine.!! Your bil is assuming ur PIL are st home. So it’s fine. Well no it’s not they have a life. They have looked after their own children already. The odd day etc is fine. But 6 weeks. !!! You are involved as they have asked you for help so clearly they are having second thoughts. I would speak to BIL. Make it clear you cannot help out. Otherwise you will be called on in the holidays. !!

If you were in the UK you need to inform Social Services that you were providing informal kinship care if you look after someone elses children for more than 28 days. They would then come out and assess you to check the arrangements are suitable for the children. Do you have similar rules in your country OP?

What a liberty!! At that age, yes, just a weekend is exhausting!
My over enthusiastic mil volunteered to have two of ours for a hotel holiday in London recently. Dh ended up going down a day early cos she'd had enough!

Thanks for all the good advice and perspectives everyone.

We are going to be very clear with PIL on our lack of availability and also try to kindly explain what enabling is and why we feel the whole situation is not normal and not right. And then we will leave it at that. DH is going to ask his sister if she or BIL think they will be there at weekends as he knows their mum gets tired looking after the children. He will offer to do train station pick ups.

Then we are going to step away. We will leave the various involved grown ups to get on with what they have decided and only interfere if we are concerned for MIL's health.

Thanks all. This has been a really helpful thread.

I don’t think a single poster thinks what your bil is doing is acceptable

Good plan

Also OP, if there are care for the elderly support's in your area, they could be alerted.

Your PIL might listen to their concerns better.

I think you Bill/Sil are not interested in your concerns and might see them as interference.

By alerting and contacting elderly social services, you might give your PIL an out, which they need.

I may have misunderstood the complicated scenarios here but it sounds like SIL needs to find a new job / ask about voluntary redundancy. They were expecting her to be made redundant so when she wasn't, they needed to find a viable alternative. She may have to pay back some of the enhanced maternity pay but if they've got 40 grand in the bank that should be manageable. Otherwise this situation will just go in forever!

Anyone with 40 grand in the bank doesn't need to leave their children for 6 weeks to go to work. I missed that detail earlier in the thread but that could buy a lot of help for your ILs this summer.

@sleepingdragon I think they are in the UK. Unless I've missed that bit

They’re not in the uk the OP said.

You’re PIL should tell them to use a little bit of all their money (£40k in the bank!) to pay back the mat pay and leave them to it.

However, you’ve made the right decision. You can’t fix this sadly.

I think dh will risk facilitating the bad plan instead of clearly stating that its a bad plan.

I obviously missed that bit, thanks.

I am absolutely astonished that the parents of these young children would not be there every weekend. A five hour drive each way is not that big a deal to see your own children. They should be his responsibility in his free time. What has their mother got to do on Saturdays that is better than seeing theri children? I mean, one of them can't step up to the plate on alternate weekends for six freaking weeks? This is madness.