About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

[Beachcomber]

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

If you say you’ll help out, you’re facilitating this awful behaviour by BIL and SIL. And you’re sending a message to them and to PIL which implies that you’ll pick up the pieces when they drop you in it and they can just sign you up without asking.

Imo you need to say NO, we’re busy. Any help you do manage to provide is a bonus but they can’t count on it. And PIL need to make their decision on the basis that the only people they’re signing up are themselves. If they can’t cope alone then they need to back out. And tbh DH should be asking his sister wtf she’s doing putting this burden on his parents. It could literally kill them.

Why is it only 6 weeks - sorry if I've missed that somewhere? Is it actually only going to be six weeks or May it continue after that (not that six weeks is appropriate anyway!).

It's 6 weeks because at the moment SIL is living with her PIL because she has work commitments at the other end of the country from her DH and his work. They moved without thinking through properly what would happen at the end of her maternity leave. They banked (bizzarely it would seem on her being made redundant). She has to go back to work or she may have to pay back her maternity.
Her PIL are then going abroad to their home country, where they have other family, for the summer. They are doing the child care during the day at the moment whilst SIL commutes and works.

I think it is also 6 weeks as at the end summer, the eldest DC will start free nursery and they will presumably afford child care for the baby.

I don't know if SIL's work situation will really be sorted by then however.

Can PIL offer financial support instead? Pay for a nursery/childminder for 6 weeks or loan SIL the money to repay maternity pay if she hands her notice in? I founds looking after my DN once a fortnight too much of a dread filled obligation, so I can't imagine how your PIL are feeling. They should say no for the baby's sake if not for themselves.

I think the elder child already has attachment issues and it looks like it is going the same way for the second child.

Oh god - what a mess! Are PIL able to spend a few days “settling” with the children before they take them home to try and limit the damage?

I'm even more cross now after discussing this with DH as it seems that SIL and BIL still have a decent sum of money from selling the flat they inherited. They paid off debts but still have about 40k left. So they could afford child care but they want to keep the money for a deposit on a flat at some point. Which is probably the most sensible decision they have ever made but it comes at a cost to my PIL and, of course, the DC. I'm appalled that they won't spend the money on either keeping their DC close to them, or at least paying for some help for PIL.
I'm guessing that it would be difficult anyway to find child care over the summer holidays at this late stage.
Plus SIL does a commute of about 1h30 each way from her PIL to her work so it would be a complicated child care arrangement anyway for her alone with the DC and BIL is crap and wouldn't take them on by himself at his end (even though he has hardly any commute).

They are in their late 30s both of them but have less savvy and sense of responsibility to the children they have put on this earth than the average teen.

God they sound like utterly useless parents I imagined perhaps they were very young (apologies to sensible young parents)

YANBU what a mess. I simply cannot fathom leaving my 6 month old baby for 6 weeks. I work full time and I miss my DS at the end of each day. Those poor children.

PIL couldn't afford child care and almost certainly wouldn't see any loaned money ever again!

We could afford to lend them the money but I don't think we would ever get it back. We would also be over stepping the mark IMO in getting that involved.

Also, what I posted above about the 40k. That's why DH told me that - because I wondered out loud if there was a financial solution that could help PIL and he snorted that there is no way he is offering cash or suggesting his mother does when SIL and BIL have inherited money.

They really are a pair of dicks. I'd assumed they'd spent all the cash from the flat.

None of your business when close relatives are stressed out and in need of your help because of the situation? Like fun it's not her business.

This ^^ While I agree that it's tricky and her PIL are adults who have committed to this, the OP and her DH can still express concern about this situation, at least from a health perspective. Six weeks of broken nights with v. young children certainly won't do the PIL any good. As PP's have said, they're nearly 70 and bound to get tired.

It makes me really annoyed when adult children expect their elderly parents to continue doing a lot for them - surely we should start helping them out insteadt? We have this issue in our family as well, with v. divided behaviour and opinions!

They need to pay for full time nursery places for the children and they need to cut down the time they are away by half.
It’s utterly ridiculous.

One week away, one week home. There’s 2 of them, they chose to have children, they need to start acting like parents.
Selfish, that’s what they are. No regard for their children or the grandparents.

MsTSwift, they aren't totally useless parents but they are incredibly immature and bad decision makers. They then depend on others to help them and they don't seem to see the potential distress to their children.

As I said before, BIL thinks children are women's work and SIL is oddly detached from her own children (I think she will move heaven and high water job wise rather than find herself on her own with her DC full time).

It's quite upsetting to spend time with them as they constantly palm their DC off on family. Last time we were all together at PIL's for an evening meal, their 3 month old baby slept the entire time and neither of them went to check on him for over a 4 hour period and MIL put their eldest down to sleep IN HER OWN ROOM whilst also catering a meal for 12.

I couldn't understand why they wouldn't want their DC1 to sleep in the room they were sleeping in (plenty of room) especially when he had just become a big brother. And even if he had slept with his grandparents they could at least have put him to bed rather than just continue sitting at the table eating dessert. I felt so sorry for him (and his baby brother).

If they can afford childcare for the baby and it's just an issue of funding two, they should be paying for childcare for the baby now.

Does anyone else see the large question mark over the BIL who seems to be living in the children’s home, alone and I encumbered for this 6 weeks. These are his children, he’s living in their home, they have enough money for daycare ... if this was the other way around...
yes he may be a useless father but he is their father, and a lot younger than his busy, retired PiL. 🧐

BIL is a big part of the problem. He totally dominates SIL and makes decisions for all of them but he makes bad decisions. SIL is passive and never seems to have properly grown up. She does hold down a job though and is a generally nicer person than BIL.

BIL is also morbidly obese and I think struggles physically to look after the children. He can't do normal things like running after a toddler or getting down on the floor with him.

They have both hugely depended on PIL each time they have moved flat to drive several times for hours in order to help them pack and move their stuff and clean the flats and make good any repairs. This looking after the children is part of a long history of asking parents (on both sides) to help them out a lot. They are entitled takers and not terribly nice or grateful with it.

This is absolutely crazy. I definitely think you should talk to PIL - say that you understand it's their business not yours but... They may need someone else to confirm that this is a crazy request. I think they've almost been gaslighted into forgetting what's normal - if SIL and BIL hasn't asked for anything before then I think this would have been greeted with disbelief/incomprehension, but they're now so used to their selfishness and entitlement that they've come to see it as normal. Remind them that it's not.

The only cases I know of where grandparents do this level of essentially raising their grandchildren is when there's a very real possibility is that the alternative is that the GC are taken into care because the parents just won't or can't care for them. Is that the case here? If so I can see why it's so hard for the GPs to say no, but it's still unacceptable and unfair on both the GPs and the GC.

Don't forget OP- lest your resolve should weaken - BIL counts you amongst the list of those who should look after his DCs because you have a vagina.

I think you need to be clear that you and DCs wont be around AT ALL during that period, if you leave even a crack of room you'll end up doing loads.

And yes speak to S/Bil you need to be clear to them that you won't help as they are probably assuming youll be there to back up PILS

What CFS!

The issue between BIL/SIL and PIL is not OP or her DH's business. Full stop.

Presumably OP's ILs are of sound mind. That means they have the right to determine whether or not this is something they are prepared to do. If OP or her DH try to step in here, there will likely be trouble.

BIL and SIL are being entitled, I agree. But they're not abusing the ILs. The ILs aren't dependent on them; if anything it's the other way around. They can say no if they don't feel up to doing this. They're not helpless.

The only part of this that is the OP's business is the part where she and her family are expected to help out. If they don't feel that's something they can do, they need to tell the ILs and leave it at that.

It's not their place to step in and mediate between four grown adults.

I think your DH needs to express his reservation to the parents, saying he doesn't think that grandparents are up to the job full time - at an absolute minimum they need a contingency plan, what if the parents get sick etc? I would also be suggesting that some care plan/nursery/au pair be looked into ASAP. EIther giving grandparents a break, or at children's home supporting their father. He might think it's women's work, but he made these children and he is responsible for them - with childcare surely he could rise and cope?

Also a frank discussion with the grandparents, saying this was too much for them to accept. Have they considered how they will cope with interrupted sleep and then the days of care for such young children etc. Say you think the parents shouldn't ask this, but if they feel they must, then parents should pay for some care to give them a break, and also pay them for some of the out of pocket food, fuel etc, that will come with caring for the children.

Crazy idea, and one that would make me wonder if these parents were actually able to emotionally connect with their own children, to send them off to people the children hardly know (family or now, the children aren't familiar with them and vice versa).

Can't they stay with their daughter in her Pil place - presumably there is space as the PIL are away- that way she could do the nights at least.
Does your MIl feel the same way about the attachment issues?

When you were asked to help as your PIL are stressed about it it became your business.

Your DH needs to be the one dealing with it though. I think a phone call to his sibling is in order. They probably won't want to hear it though as it is far more convenient for them to think it's an ok ask. It's not!

It sounds like your MIL has taken this on hoping that you would help out with the childcare. Having sat down with the calender and your list of commitments, I bet you are only left with the odd morning or afternoon in which to help.
Your il's sound really selfish and cf's. Have kids and rely on other people to bring them up. She must have known while pregnant that she would have to return to work, she should have sorted it out then

I worry for your DP's as I'm sure you must too. The stress and hard work this will bring isn't good for their health
I'd be telling il's to sort out alternative child care

Apologies OP. I mistakenly put MIL when I meant to put your DM

Leaving toddlers for 6 weeks? Will they visit them in between?

Massive ask they must be incredibly thick skinned.

If your DH wants to have a word that is up to him but personally I wouldn't be offering to help unless it suited me as they sound incredibly entitled.