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Original poster

About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

191 replies

Beachcomber · 03/06/2019 15:19

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 03/06/2019 16:21

I think it's down to your pil to say something, not you. They are adults and know their own minds. Think they ought to reconsider and contact them to say so.

sheshootssheimplores · 03/06/2019 16:21

I imagine the PIL felt like they couldn’t say no as it sounds like their son is in a bad situation financially.

Itssosunny · 03/06/2019 16:25

It's PILs who should talk to them and not you. SIL and BIL will think it's you who is making PILs against them.

FamilyOfAliens · 03/06/2019 16:25

Your PIL sound amazing btw

I disagree. They said yes to the request and now they’re regretting it and trying to rope in others to avoid telling the BIL/SIL they’ve changed their minds.

IggyAce · 03/06/2019 16:25

The children aren’t school age so why do bil & SIL need childcare in the 6 week holidays, who normally provides childcare? Normally working parents of similar aged children use a nursery or childminder.

eddielizzard · 03/06/2019 16:26

I think your DH could phone his brother (/sister) up and say, look, PIL are completely stressed about this. Can't you think of another plan?

Given your PIL can't say no, I do think it is up to another family member to say something.

It's an absolute cheek in my mind.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 03/06/2019 16:27

The only people being unreasonable are your SiL/BiL. I'm amazed they would both be away from their DCs for such a length of time? Will they come back at weekends?
No matter how fit and healthy your in-laws are, looking after two young children without a break will be exhausting. They really need to go back to Bro/Sis and explain how they feel. Perhaps your SiL/BiL could organise an au-pair to stay with your PiL? Do you know any teenagers who would be interested in childminding over the Summer?
I would also get your DH to ring his sister/brother and tell them how stressed his parents are and explain that you will not be around to help out.
I feel so sorry for your PiLs, they are trying to do their best, but are realising that it's just too much.

stucknoue · 03/06/2019 16:28

They are asking a lot but it depends on lot on circumstances, sometimes you need to do things because they will be long term very beneficial. It's not really your business but your dh could become involved if he feels it's right. I think the answer could be pt child care but easier said than done

janetforpresident · 03/06/2019 16:28

Yes I think your DH should say something to his sibling.

IggyAce I am guessing that they are at grandparents house because they need someone to be there overnight and so are missing out on their normal childcare arrangements as they live jn a different location to grandparents which is yet another reason why this is so selfish of the parents.

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 16:28

The children aren’t school age so why do bil & SIL need childcare in the 6 week holidays, who normally provides childcare? Normally working parents of similar aged children use a nursery or childminder.

This!

Unless they are both in prison or a coma, why can’t they come back for the weekends? Why can’t they use the childcare they normally use.

Dying to know what the unwise decisions are!

Hulmegirl2 · 03/06/2019 16:29

It never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be to be honest. I would NEVER ask such a thing of my elderly parents even as a full time working single mother paying for childcare. It’s not their responsibility to bring up your their grandchildren. They’ve done their job as parents already. If they can help out for a week or two that’s great but six weeks is a massive ask and a massive imposition. They probably feel too awful to say no and want to help but let’s be real here they should never have been asked to do it.

Itssosunny · 03/06/2019 16:32

The PILs are in their 70s. Is the house and the garden quite safe for the older child? No swimming pool?
The stress to stay alert most of the day to watch the children can raise their blood pressure.

bowtiepasta · 03/06/2019 16:36

A 3yo and a 6mo baby is a very difficult combination. They'll be lugging them both in and out of car seats and will presumably need to both be pushing a pushchair or double buggy at times - I'd find it knackering tbh and I'm used to being up all night!

PlanetMJ · 03/06/2019 16:37

I agree that at the very least your BIL and SIL should be arranging full time childcare during normal working hours, somewhere local to your parents. Surely they can find a local nursery or childminder to send them to on a temporary basis.

I know some people genuinely have no choice other than
to work away for that length of time but it has to be an absolute last resort for the children to not see either parent for 6 whole weeks.

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2019 16:40

They need to say it's too much and they can't do it. Otherwise they'll be looking after the kids every summer forever.

Piffle11 · 03/06/2019 16:41

Your PIL should NEVER have agreed to this! In your shoes I would be concerned that PIL were going to be turning up A LOT at my house, in order to share the workload. I don't think you should have said you will help where you can - a nice gesture, and I'm sure you were trying to alleviate some of MIL's worries, but ultimately you didn't sign up for this - they did. Did they think, 'oh well I'm sure DS and Beachcomber will help out'? I know we're all different in our attitude to leaving our DC, but if it were my child asking me to have my DGC for 6 weeks I'd be telling them that I think it's really bad to leave DC that young for so long (and I wouldn't be agreeing to it). My PIL are reasonably fit (70) and they looked after his DGD (4) for a week once: nearly killed them. I think they were shocked at how much work it was. I don't think it's really for you to speak with BIL or SIL - if your DH wants to then it's up to him - but I really do think he needs to speak with his DPs about how much work they are giving themselves. I think they should put a stop to this now, actually.

Itssosunny · 03/06/2019 16:46

We shouldn't forget that leaving young children with the elderly is also dangerous as the grandparents are not that agile anymore. It is unhealthy for the GPs and risky for the little ones.

StCharlotte · 03/06/2019 16:49

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

Is the country Australia?!

Surely if it's in the UK, they could alternate and at least one of them could get to your PILs on weekends/days off?

Ooh, are they actors on location?

StCharlotte · 03/06/2019 16:51

But in answer to your question, only you know your relationship with the BIL/SIL and whether they would accept a conversation from you/DH.

I could "interfere" with some of my family or DH's but not all of them.

perfectstorm · 03/06/2019 16:54

That's insanity. If they're both working, they can surely arrange for a childminder all day for both kids at the very, very, very least? It's still an enormous ask, with children that small. It would be different if they were older - still a big ask, but not 24/7 care, including overnights. We're shattered as parents when dealing with that load, in 20s and 30s!

I'm also wincing at the effect on tiny children of losing both parents and their home overnight, for weeks on end.

Can one of the parents not sort childcare in the place they're working, like most have to?

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2019 16:57

Leaving a 6 month old for 6 weeks is beyond U and it’s pretty bad for the three year old. This is really their only option?

I’m not 70 yet and I couldn’t do it!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/06/2019 16:59

Unless there is a genuine family emergency (serious accident/illness), then it is massively CF behaviour to leave your 6 month old baby and 3 year old child for six whole weeks for other people to look after.

I think it is OP's business - who do you think is going to be pressured to help when the GPs are 3 weeks in and on their knees with exhaustion? It's very hard to say no, which is why OP needs to be very honest with her ILs at this point, so they don't take this on thinking that the OP will step in if needed. The OPs husband should definitely contact his brother/sister and ask wtf they're playing at. This is way too much to ask elderly people to take on

qazxc · 03/06/2019 17:00

Realistically you can't help at all, make sure that this is clear. Because I fear that "we'll help as much as we can" will lead to confusion and problems down the line.
If PIL said yes because they assumed that you would be on hand to help and aren't able by themselves (I wouldn't blame them for this, it's a huge ask), they will have to back out.
Are there any other family or friends to share the load? Do they both need to be away for such a continuous amount of time?
I think it will be best coming from PIL that they are pulling out of the childcare arrangement. If you say anything, I fear that you might be made out to be the trouble maker.

Cryalot2 · 03/06/2019 17:09

It is good of you to be concerned .
But it is your p.il place to speak up themselves.
I am much younger and no way could I cope . But then everyone is different.
I do find it strange to say the least them leaving a baby especially for so long as well as toddler..

7salmonswimming · 03/06/2019 17:10

Your SIL and BIL should sort out full-time daycare for the 3yo somewhere close to PILs.

They should each travel (for however long) to PILs every weekend to relieve PILs.

If you fancy it and can manage it, I’d commit to whichever days you can: make it day trips to keep the toddler occupied. Park or boating or something.

Your BIL and SIL are taking the absolute piss. They’re going to have no childcare responsibilities - evenings and weekends - while your PILs are doing their job for them. And it sounds like they’re doing it without spending any money either.

I’d be furious.