About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

[Beachcomber]

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

Again, OP’s arrangement with MIL is her business.

In-laws’ arrangement with MIL is their business.

family speaking as someone whose gps are extremely disinterested in their gc and have never helped, even in an emergency. The very fact the PIL are even trying to help to this degree is pretty damn impressive!
You are obviously much more fortunate on the family front than some of us.

Maybe contact them and ask if they are sure that pil are up for all that care. make it clear as much as you'd like to help you will be unable to due to your own commitments.
They might think you'll step in and help pil.

Thank you for your replies. I'm reading through them and there are lots of good ideas and insights.

I don't know if SIL and BIL will visit during the 6 weeks or not. But if they do it will be a quick weekend visit as they will both be about a 5/6 hour drive away and not in the same place and SIL doesn't drive anyway.

I think I would be feeling this is all none of my business other than the fact that PIL had just DC1 last year for 3/4 weeks and it took a lot out of them. MIL particularly was exhausted afterwards and that was with just 1 DC and not the baby!

I agree we need to be honest about how little we can help. We will be working most of the time plus having visitors plus we have DC of our own (although they are quite big).

I'm worried that MIL has said yes because she wants to help her daughter but is hoping that we (and our DC) will help quite a lot. PIL do a lot to help out SIL and BIL and I feel that they just assume that they are entitled to that help and they don't think at all what it will take out of PIL and how it will affect their entire summer. They will have 2 young DC 24/7 for 6 weeks. Both in nappies and both bad sleepers. They have fairly active lives and have volunteer commitments and do a lot to care for an elderly relative. It will be impossible for them to get on with their normal lives with a 6 month old baby and a toddler to care for.

I guess I feel upset for them too because the reason they are in this position is due to SIL and BIL'S bad choices and decisions.

Well no offence to your sil/bil but one of them has to stay at home work doesnt come first-You cant rely on Gps for that long it isnt fair
Are they planning on doing this every year

I guess I feel upset for them too because the reason they are in this position is due to SIL and BIL'S bad choices and decisions

No the reason they are in this position is they didnt say no to the crazy plan in the first place!

OP, no suggestions in addition to those made in this thread but truly, YANBU.

As a rule, I don’t look after people’s kids overnight (and I am part of an extremely close family) if they are under 6 years of age. A 6 month old baby is unfathomable to me. Absolutely not. Those poor kids.

The reason they need the care is because SIL is going back to work after maternity leave and they can't afford to pay for care for both the children. I'm not sure what is expected to happen afterwards WRT childcare but DC1 will start free nursery after the summer so I'm guessing the baby will go to a creche at that point.

Now you have mentioned an elderly relative that your ILs help out as well, I can see even more you getting pressured to put aside your own plans to help them. Do they realise that their social lives, volunteering will have to stop for these weeks? I seriously think they're expecting you to step in do they can have a break and maybe continue their own commitments.
Your children definitely shouldn't be dragged into this or made to feel they have to take on childcare. This really isn't their responsibility.

It sounds like they agreed due to guilt, and on the assumption they could rely on you.

I would tell the ILs now what you are prepared to do, and aim for the lower end of what is reasonable for you. Do NOT make it sound if you would be prepared to up the hours, even if you would be. So if an hour a week is all you are prepared to offer, tell them so. And stick to it. It is not your problem.

If you tell them now they may back out before the children arrive, which would be the best solution. If they don't, saving them this summer is not going to help in the long run, as the children will be sent down every year.

Your husband really needs to talk to his sister. I’m a few years younger than your pils and I’d be on my knees after a week. What were they thinking?

The more you say, the worse this sounds.

You need to be very clear about the level of help you can provide. Dates, times.

It’s not too late to sort something out for the summer. What kind of a shit show is it that parents of a 3yo and a 6mo have both taken jobs away from the family home, at opposite ends of the country. What was going through their minds when they thought this would be a good idea??

Where are the BIL’s family in all this?

I would send PILs an email with your availability and copy in your SIL and BIL.

I don’t know you and I’m angry!!

the reason they are in this position is due to SIL and BIL'S bad choices and decisions

They’re in this position because they didn’t say no. It really is that simple.

From what you’re saying, SIL is planning on either living away in the week or doing a 5/6 hour drive daily.

That doesn’t sound true, frankly.

Anyway it’s of no matter. You need to say you can’t help. If your dc are old enough to be expected to help then they need to make it clear that they won’t be helping either.

There is no getting around the fact it's a huge ask of your PIL to do this for 6 weeks.

Without knowing the full circumstances it's impossible to say just how unreasonable it is, but my starting point is that it is U because there's nothing to suggest this is an emergency (and the fact the PIL have looked after the elder child for a month previously).

What to do?

Well it wasn't your problem until PIL asked for help.

Now you've been invited to the party.

Firstly I'd make very clear to PIL that help is going to be very limited and ask if on that basis they feel able to cope.

If not, then it's really up to them to speak to BIL/SIL, but potentially your DH could intervene and speak to his sister.

What surprises me most is the fact that it's not clear the parents will be visiting at weekends.

This should absolutely be part of the agreement - even if it's just one of them every other weekend (ie covering every weekend) to give some respite to PIL. It doesn't matter how far away they are.

I was a pretty relaxed mother when DS was little and left him with my DP's for a week at 3 months old (to be fair they are fabulous GP's and loved having him).

The idea I'd be away for 6 weeks is frankly incomprehensible tbh and if there really was no other option I'd move heaven and earth to visit as often as possible.

Just say no you can't help and stay out of it. All the adults here can and should adult - there's no gun to anyone's head.

Your MIL shouldn't have said yes and then asked for help from you.
You can't help and shouldn't have to - unless you want to. Leave your DH to handle his own family too.
The parents shouldn't leave their children for 6 weeks but then I can't see any context given to this so perhaps they have no choice. Again, are the children in nursery of any kind?

PILs cannot say no or they will feel too guilty.
They want to help, naturally, but have not thought it through - not realised that they will be totally exhausted, meaning that they will be less vigilant, and accidents will happen far more easily in that situation. Will FIL be any practical help (as men of that age are not always great with the nappy changing, feeding, night waking etc), or will it be MIL doing everything?
What will they do when they are really exhausted?
Cynical side of me wonders if BIL/SIL want to send them to GPs so that they can sleep train them both and potty train the 3 year old!
From the point of view that it takes a village to raise a child (and therefore we are all responsible for a child's safety), I would have a word with PILs regarding their exhaustion and resulting reduced vigilance and ability to prevent accidents, and implications to their own health. I would also have a word with BIL/SIL and tell them how exhausted MIL was last year, and express your doubts over her coping this year, and how easy it would be for the DCs to have accidents when their carers are exhausted.
This does not have to cause a family rift if done the right way. Even if it did cause bad feeling, better that than drowned/run over DCs or dead GPs following heart attack or stroke!
Sometimes you have to stick your neck out.

I'm certain that PIL won't back out. They are the sort that would give you the shirt off their back and they are kind. They know that SIL and BIL have made bad choices (these involve decisions about jobs, money, where to live, basically not being very grown up and realistic. They are skint despite having inherited a flat which they promptly sold to pay off debts and which they decided not to try and keep and live rent free in because BIL didn't want to live in it and they needed quick money). But PIL will help them out because they are good people and they love the DC.

We are not in the UK but in a country that is a lot bigger. There is no other family to help out. BIL's parents are going away for all of the summer and anyway they will have done their bit as they are looking after the children at the moment (although only during the day as they are close enough to SIL's work for her to come back and stay with them overnight). BIL works an 8 hour drive away from his parents.

Have seen two 70 yr olds looking after a 4 and 1 yr old for a few hours and they were knackered. it is a lot for them to run around for 10 mins let alone all day for 6 weeks. Get them to organize childcare.

Are the parents going 'away' for a break? can't they organize daycare etc for most of it?

You should leave well alone. They asked and your PIL said yes. That’s their decision. You have other commitments and cannot help. That’s ok. Don’t feel bad, it wasn’t you who agreed to the arrangement.

I'm a bit confused by the situation tbh. So sil is going back to work but her work is t hours away and she doesnt drive? Or is it that the grandparents live 5 hours away and that is where the kids are staying? Sorry but that is just ridiculous either way. They need to sort out proper childcare. You ILs need to say they cant do it. What about bil does he not have family. It sounds like an odd situation.

I suspect your PILs are going to be asked to do this over and over again on the basis they "can't afford childcare". I think they're nuts but it's entirely up to them to speak up.

I know it's hard but in your shoes I'd fight any urge you feel to juggle things so you can help out - all that will do is allow all concerned to convince themselves this is manageable when really it's not. If PILs do actually go through with it this year it might be enough to convince them to say NO MORE. If not well, that's their call.

Basically they moved away from where SIL was working. BIL was unemployed at that point.

He now has a job but at the other end of the country. His parents live closeish to where SIL works so she and the DC have been living with them since the end of her maternity leave. She was hoping to be made redundant at the end of her maternity leave but that hadn't happened (and was never very realistic). She has had to go back to work but is trying to sort something out for the end of the summer in the area they have moved to.

It's a big mess and hard to explain...

I have just seen your update. The mother can come back on a Friday afternoon and leave on a Sunday afternoon. The father does it the next weekend. They rotate it for 3 weekends each and help out.

Your MIL should be the one to insist this. Nobody else needs to get involved.

My family was in this situation. My parents looked after dsis's dcs almost full time. In fact during their retirement they did nothing else. Dsis was free to work as much as she liked/holiday as much as she liked etc etc. Parents would never say no. They turned down family occasions/get togethers, my graduation , etc etc because they were tied in to child care.

But at the end of the day, even if the parents are moaning about it or tired, it is their choice . Believe me, appealing to your sister-in-law will not result in their suddenly seeing the light, but probably an argument and worse.

I would hold the line about not being able to offer much help, and chunter about the situation in private with your dh.

After your update I think it’s even more important that you make it clear you can only offer, for example, 1 hour twice a week.
You need to do it ASAP as well!

It sounds very much like they will be relying on you so you need to call them and be crystal clear preferably tonight!