About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

[Beachcomber]

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

I think I would mention it and just say PIL thought we'd be able to help but we can't and they're quite stressed, is there anyway you can pay a childminder or nursery for the days?
It sounds exhausting!

Your PIL are being unreasonable really. They shouldn't say yes to something they're not happy to do and they especially shouldn't try to rope other people into helping because they don't like to say no. Saying no is tough but necessary sometimes and if people can't or won't then they really need to face the consequences of that and not moan about the thing they've said they're okay to do.

Depending on the relationship your dh has with his sibling I don't think it'd be unreasonable for him to say it might be too much. I would and have done when DB and Sil have been erm, overly optimistic about how many of their dc my parents could cope with and for how long (nothing like 6 weeks though!).

Of course if that would mean ww3 breaking out then he should say nothing. After all it's ultimately up to the pils to agree to this or not and if it's too much for them then they need to say so. Mine tended to try to rope us in too which is understandable but a bit unfair given we weren't the ones who'd signed up!

Your BIL/SIL are asking for too much, but you shouldn't say anything to them.

Your DH, otoh, should say something since his parents have come to you two asking for hep.

He should tell his parents that he thinks they need to rethink having the children for 6 weeks if they don't think they can manage on their own. Because they will be on their own. You and he are not available to step in. End of.

He should tell BIL and SIL he's concerned that the grandparents aren't up for it because they've come to you, that neither of you will be able to help much (due to your own lives, work, children, holidays, guests), so you're quite concerned about the well-being of everyone involved.

What's going to happen to the children if the grandparents can't cope?

What's going to happen to the grandparents if they don't have support/help/breaks?

But you can't say anything here. It has to come from your DH.

Do you understand now, dear? Or do you need some time to process?

If you show yourself up to be daft don't add another post that clarifies it even further. And don't attempt to patronise unless you are in a position to patronise, which you clearly are not.

Wee bit oversensitive there dearie.

It's definitely her business if the in-laws are asking her and her husband to help out. She has every right to let her sister in law and brother in law know that the parents in law are overwhelmed by the job in front of them and that they are asking for help from her that she cannot honestly give them and should not have to.

Your PIL need to be more assertive! If you do contact the BIL/SIL suggest you say something li.."Mum/Dad asked us if we could help out with your kids as they are worrying about it being too much for such long time. I have had to say can only do so much because ...! Do you realise how stressed they are about it this ....."

But yes, this should definitely come from the husband, not her.

Oh god don’t get involved. This is exactly the kind of thing that causes problems in family relationships. Help out as best you can and if you really think your PIL aren’t coping then it’s up to your husband to ring his brother and say you’re concerned.

I suspect your PIL will be absolutely fine but won’t want to do it again and if your SIL and BIL suggest it they’ll grow a backbone and say no.

I work away a lot (although only relying on DH and paid childcare) I’d need to be on the other side of the WORLD not country before I’d consider not seeing my kids for 6 weeks! Why can’t they come come alternate weekends so PIL have at least the weekends off?

If you show yourself up to be daft don't add another post that clarifies it even further. And don't attempt to patronise unless you are in a position to patronise, which you clearly are not.

What exactly are you on about? I’m assuming you didn’t understand that the request for help only came from MIL.

It’s ok. I’m sure you’ve re-read and now understand your mistake. :)

This is everyone should take a course in assertiveness.

As a mother, I would only leave a six-month baby with relative strangers for that length of time if the circumstances meant that I had absolutely no other option.

As a parent, when your children ask you for childcare help, you feel guilty if you say ‘no’. Even if every fibre of your being is anxious about it and really doesn’t want to commit to that time.

How many parents on here say they’re exhausted looking after young children? These are a generation above who are much older and although in good health, tire more quickly. Two children for six weeks is appalling in my view.

I’m sure the OP wants to help out, but it isn’t really practicable and the brother and sister in law are being really unfair for asking the parents to have their grandchildren for six weeks.

I don't think it would be wrong in any way if your DH told his DB \SIL (or DSis/BIL ) that the parents are unlikely to be able to cope for a whole six weeks as they are already asking you for help which you realistically can't provide, apart from just one week in the period.

And it's a 6 month old baby for heaven's sake. That, plus toddler, is hard work even for the children's own parents.
I'd suggest this couple (are they in the forces?) should be looking to support the PILs with a temporary nanny or at the very least book full time nursery places for the children.

Don't get involved. The grandparents have agreed, have asked you to help & you have explained your situation. There is nothing more to it. You (as in your DH of course) can suggest to the grandparents that they should reconsider but you really can't do their talking for them.

As a PP said this is not reasonable for someone in their late 60's early 70's to undertake.
I am imagining your BIL and SIL are in their 30's, and really have no conception how much you physically slow down from your mid 50's onwards.
I love looking after my GC's and am happy to occasionally look after my great nephews, but after a day I am worn out, probably from having to be alert and watchful and mindful of the "risk assessment" involved when looking after small children.
To ask the PIL's to look after them for 6 weeks straight is unreasonable, as they really have no insight into the physical limitations that age brings.
I think your DH needs to let your BIL know that you have been asked to help as the PILs are worried about being able to cope, and that he thinks the whole thing is a big ask.

It is a huge ask, and a very thoughtless one, those poor Dc's and poor PIL, there is being a helpful grandparent and there's being put upon, and this is the latter!

None of your business when close relatives (yes, in law is that for many believe it or not) are stressed out and in need of your help because of the situation? Like fun it's not her business.

If you have been asked to help it is now your business, and I definitely don't think your in laws are being fair to PIL.

However, stay out of it op. Simply tell PIL there is nothing you can do to help and if they are concerned then they must speak with the SIL and BIL, and leave it at that.

I would let them sort it out themselves, this has all the hallmarks of a huge family row. Your in laws are CF.

6 weeks with a 6 month old is CRAZY. I can't imagine as a parent being okay with that! It's not your place to say anything but your PIL should have refused. It's too much for them. Even if your DH does say something to his sibling, they're going to be like "well, Mum & Dad have said yes, so it's none of your business". It's really up to the grandparents to put their foot down. God. 6 months. That's just so tiny to leave for more than a couple of nights.

Wow 😮. Your poor pils. Poor children.

Will they be in nursery?

Your PIL sound amazing btw, it is a shame they are being taken advantage of.

I think if I were you or rather your DH I would be very clear with PIL that you will be unable to help. But also that you are very concerned about them doing this for 6 weeks. Also suggest they talk to SIL and BIL again

This is actually a really difficult situation and I do see both sides. It definitely has become your business when MIL asks you to help out. I think you just need to be harsh and say that they cannot expect any help from you at all as you'll be busy with your own DC and have plans for that time period, and if they feel that they can't manage then they need to be speaking to BIL and SIL themselves about coming to a different arrangement.

I never understand this. Why can't PIL just say no? My DM said no plenty. I wouldn't be helping out, and I'd be afraid of setting a precedent here. Is this likely to happen again? PIL have a choice, and the repercussions of that choice are down to them to handle, not you. If they're not 'brave' enough to speak up then they'll learn the hard way.

It's only OP's business about whether or not she and her family can help.

It's not OP's or her DH's place to tell BIL and SIL that they should never have asked PILs to do this in the first place.

ILs are grown adults. Presumably they are cognitively intact. That means they have the right to make their own decisions. If they feel it's too much, they have to be the ones to say that.

All OP can do is tell her PIL that she and her family are not available to help. After that, the rest is up to PIL. They need to determine for themselves if this is something they're up to doing on their own. If not, they need to take the initiative to tell BIL and SIL that they won't be able to take the children.

That part is not OP's business.