About SIL and BIL asking PIL to look after their children for 6 weeks?

[Beachcomber]

I'll try to keep this short.

For complex reasons, basically related to SIL and BIL making unwise choices, they have asked my PIL to look after their 2 DC for 6 weeks this summer. Neither SIL nor BIL will be present at all during the 6 weeks. This is not just day care it is full time care. DC2 will be 6 months old and DC1 nearly 3 yo.

SIL will be at one end of the country working and BIL at the other end with PIL and DC in the middle.

PIL are in good health but they are both nearly 70 and although they have said yes because they want to help they are both stressed out about the whole thing (unsurprisingly). They had DC1 for nearly a month last year and MIL, in particular, was exhausted for a while afterwards. Both DC are in nappies and they both wake up at night.

I think SIL and BIL are being unreasonable by asking this of them but the main reason I'm ready to stick my nose in is because PIL have asked if we (DH, me and DC13 yo and DC15 yo) will help out.

We have said that we will do what we can but we have visitors for a total of 3 out of the 6 weeks and are away on holiday for 2 weeks. When we are not on holiday we will be working. DC obviously will be on holiday but the visitors are their family from another country that they only see a couple of times a year.

MIL was upset (not with us but stressed) when we explained that of course we would help but we had other priorities.

I think DH or I should make a phone call to SIL and BIL and ask them if they realize quite what they are asking and how stressed PIL are and ask them to consider breaking up the 6 weeks in some way.

I think they have got a bloody cheek and I'm concerned about the DC. PIL are lovely and very responsible but 6 weeks is far too long IMO for such young children to be away from home and their parents.

Should we leave well alone or say something?

Well it sounds complicated. They should definitely come back on weekends even if its alternate weekends. I would make it clear that you can't really help out and suggest pil tell them that they wont be able to do the whole 6 weeks alone.

Nothing other than prison, death or hospitalisation would make me leave two small children for 6 weeks. They are likely to be very confused about what is happening to them. And then when they've adjusted, they will be expected to change back again. Both parents should be making the journey back to them every weekend at the very least.

So this will be the second time that the children have been left and this time they are hoping your own (older) children can help out? What’s going to happen next year, and the year after, and then the year after that? I see some sort of unspoken pattern/routine developing here and that’s not fair on your own kids.

How much time have your in laws spent with the baby if SIL lives 4 hours away? I assumed that your in laws were “close at hand seeing the kids several times a week” types and so the baby was very bonded to them.

Are they effectively leaving a baby with a stranger for six weeks?

It's a big mess and hard to explain...

Meh, families! Some of us get it .

As someone who has one of those families the BEST advice I can give you is to remember it's not your big mess. Keep reminding yourself of that. It's understandable that you worry about PIL, that you want to help where possible but honestly you need to ensure that PIL don't get into the habit of mentally including you and yours in any "all hands on deck" approach.

My mother had/has a tendency to over commit like this (dB and sils two, then three, then four wild dc) but tended to have an idea in the back of her mind of me, dh and dsis as "respite". She would then get a bit huffy or lay on the guilt: I'm exhaaauuuusted when we failed to live up to what she thought we could or should do! Never mind that we have dc, work, lives

The best thing I ever did was tell her very directly that she was the one over committing herself, knowing full well that she was taking on too much, that I was fed up hearing her complain and that if she was going to carry on taking on more than she could manage she needed to be aware that I would no longer be juggling my commitments in order to help out. Might sound a bit harsh but in my defence we'd all had a few years of it.

Either you or your DH need to make it very clear to his DPs the commitments that you have on during that period.

It needs to be spelt out to them in no uncertain terms that you don't have the capacity to help, rather than saying you can do as much as you can.

Basically you can't call out DSIL/DBIL without overstepping a bit, but you are perfectly morally right to keep to your own plans and not exhaust yourself because the ILs have chosen to agree to something that they need your support for without asking for that support in advance.

It would be better for the dc if a grandparent (or two) could come and stay with them in their own home.

Don't enable PIL to keep enabling these cheeky fuckers.
PIL need to learn the hard way to stop bailing them out like this.

SIl/bil can always sign themselves off sick until one/both of them find a more suitable job.
They chose not to make alternative plans because they knew they'd be bailed out - again.

I just can't imagine being away from children for 6 whole weeks - especially a 6 month old, it's a very tricky time for them.

They can't even come back at weekends?!

PIL have a good bond with the older DC (they have looked after him a lot!)

They barely know the baby and MIL is stressed over the baby care mostly. If it was just DC1 she would be a little stressed about how tiring it will be but she is worried about bottles in the night and having 2 of them to juggle.

FIL is self-employed and only semi retired so he has other commitments but he is not old fashioned and sexist and he's great with kids and will help as much as he can. He is SIL's step father so I don't think he feels it is his place to say anything.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think we will sit down with a calandar with PIL and literally show them the dates of our visitors / work and holiday away. I will be clear that we will not accept our DC being roped in to do any child care but that they may choose to hang out with them sometimes but that that cannot be counted on and is not childcare. They are too young to be responsible for the baby anyway.

I think DH is going to call his sister and have a non confrontational chat about how he understands that they are in a sticky situation but that he assumes and hopes that they will manage to come and give PIL a break each weekend. He will make it clear that there is very little that we can do to help.

It will be hard for SIL to come back at weekends in a useful way. She will need to use public transport and it is not a direct route. I think she would probably struggle to do more than arrive very late on Friday evening (and somebody would need to go and get her at the station which is about 40 mins from PIL's house. My DH would probably offer to do this pick up though). She would have to leave on Sunday morning I think. Of course it's better than nothing though. BIL can drive and it's about 5 hours each way for him. He isn't great at looking after the children though so I doubt he'd really give PIL much of a break. He's not terribly nice to them sometimes too. They could probably do without him showing up to be frank although they will want what is best for the children and obviously that would be to see their parents!

I think your plan sounds good OP. I can hardly believe that the parents aren't moving mountains to see their DC at the weekend. What happens at the end of the 6 weeks to resolve the situation?

I really do think that leaving a six month old baby with strangers for six weeks is risking serious problems with attachment.

Could your in laws take the three year old and the baby go to a childminder / nursery for the time. I know it would cost but it would be cheaper for 1 than 2.

Oh yeah, this is the sort of shit my SIL/BIL would pull - and have done.
Making your strict availability crystal clear is the best way. I do the same - sometimes it's nothing at all (hoo boy, the hinting texts and passive aggressive fb posts really add up then - SIL, not PIL) but most of the time I'll offer times that suit me, and only times that suit me.
It's shit when you're having to sort out their bad decisions. No real advice, just solidarity

Your BiL and SiL have been foolish and selfish.

They have had children they can neither care for, nor support and now they are relying on others to bring them up.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the parents in law were broken by the end of the six weeks. Then what? People shouldn’t be having children when they can’t be responsible for them.

Having had a similar family situation I would say something. Generally I would be in the 'itd not your business' camp, but the welfare of children allows people to be extra manipulative (as in this situation). My granny did childcare for my aunty every summer because aunty was too childish to organise anything (or use her annual leave). Granny went to do the childcare at short notice every school holidays and as she was clearly stretched my cousin's now refer to her as being very grumpy which I think I'd horrid. She was clearly stretched but didn't want the children at home by themselves because their mother was too useful to organise anything. I wish for my Granny's sake someone had said something.

This is so mad - I don't even feel right asking my parents or MIL to have my kids one night as it's hard work let alone six weeks!!!! How can they even think of not seeing their kids for that long anyway?!? Bonkers quite frankly!!

Ps surely it would be better if the grandmother went to stay at the house they are living in for some of the time rather than taking on full responsibility in her own home. That way the mum can see to their dinner when she gets in from work giving the grandma a break and the mum can do the night time wake ups.

I really do think that leaving a six month old baby with strangers for six weeks is risking serious problems with attachment

I agree Mumoftwoyoungkids.

I think the elder child already has attachment issues and it looks like it is going the same way for the second child.

SIL is, in my opinion, oddly detached from her children. She is detached from her brother too (my DH). BIL does not seem detached emotionally from his DC but he is a macho sexist who obviously thinks looking after DC is women's work (no matter which woman, his wife, his mum, his MIL).

I do think it is your business to look out for your ILs. Someone needs to tell SIL and BIL what it's like for MIL and FIL and how much it takes out of them, especially as you won't be able to help much. Maybe SIL/BIL have no idea.

In a close family, yes, other relatives do get involved.

My mum in her early 60s had my 2 DC for one night a couple weeks ago and I got a msg in the evening saying only one at a time in the future......and they're 12 and 9....

I think this is quite shocking, actually. You haven't said where in the world you are, but is this sort of thing normal practice there? I can't see it as being very common at all here in the UK.

I agree it would better for the children to be looked after in their own home.

That won't happen though for several reasons.

1. There isn't enough space. And PIL, bless them, are past an age where they are willing to sleep on a crappy blow up mattress in the living room for 6 weeks whilst they do someone else a favour. They are too nice but not total mugs.
2. Only BIL is there anyway. SIL is at the other end of the country. She is actually closer to the children (although still practically a day's journey away) if they are with PIL.
3. BIL is an odious dick and not very nice to PIL. They would never manage to get along in close proximity for 6 weeks.
4. PIL are willing to help out but don't want to move out of their own home and stay in the other end of the country for the whole summer because they have lives. They would like to get to see my DC over their summer holiday for example. They also have committments and FIL still works part time.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess.

I'm really shocked that they would do this to both their children and to PIL. But unfortunately I'm not terribly surprised.

No, it's not normal for where we are. It's a weird, irresponsible piss take of parents and verges on the negligent of children in this part of the world.

I have lived here for over 20 years and never heard of anyone doing anything like this. I haven't discussed it with local friends but they would be appalled if I told them.

I'd agree you need to spell out exactly how little you're prepared and able to do. There can be a fine line between support and facilitation.

Also, of course SIL should still come back at weekends, even given what you've said about travel. Your DH would offer to collect, she can be there for about 36 hours including two overnights, and that's a significant share of the load. PILs could get 2 unbroken nights a week. And BIL, a 5 hour drive, that's fine. He can do that on a Friday evening and leave on mid Sunday afternoon. Very doable for him.