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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
123bananas · 02/06/2019 02:52

No, if he is not earning and not claiming benefits then his CM should be recalculated to £0 anyway. Paying for his children is not your responsibility. She is just as much financially responsible for those children as your DH. Keep your savings.

Bloodless · 02/06/2019 02:52

No you are def not being unreasonable, it’s not your responsibility

Purpleartichoke · 02/06/2019 02:53

He wouldn’t have to stop paying. Paying for his kids should be his first bill, not his last.

HerRoyalNotness · 02/06/2019 02:53

You’ve only been earning 20k (1/5th) more than him but more in 2/3rds more. What’s he been doing with his money? Too bad if he has to pay maintenance he should have been paying evenly into the household.

And no, you absolutely should not pay his CM, it’s a parents debt, no one else’s. He seems like a CF to me.

123bananas · 02/06/2019 02:53

Just seen you are not married, even more reason as there is no protection for you .
If anything happens to him you will need those savings.

Original poster
MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:58

@purpleartichoke - you say he wouldn’t have to stop paying - but he’s got no earnings, no savings and no redundancy yet as the company he worked for went into admin. So he can’t pay unless I pay it??

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingabout · 02/06/2019 02:58

NO. I think he's already taking the piss to be honest.

Oshe · 02/06/2019 03:02

No way would I dip into my savings so that his ex can continue being lazy and jobless.

expat101 · 02/06/2019 03:03

He should apply for a re-calculation based on his new financial circumstances.

Oshe · 02/06/2019 03:04

He wouldn’t have to stop paying. Paying for his kids should be his first bill, not his last.

He has no income so he won't be paying any bills.

Original poster
MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 03:10

Expat101 - does he have to apply for a recalculation? Maintenance has never been through CMS but was an agreed amount between him and his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 03:11

If he did go via CMS would they take my income into account with any calculated amount?

OP posts:
drspouse · 02/06/2019 03:13

Could you have the kids more to ease the burden on the ex?
It would be a first calculation not a re-calculation but it sounds like it would come out as zero.

PawPawNoodle · 02/06/2019 03:13

He must drive a very expensive car to only be able to pay £1k into the pot, given that his pre-pension income is £4.5k a month!

Don't pay his CM, he can negotiate that issue with his children's mother.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 02/06/2019 03:16

Why would they take your income into account? You are not married so therefore they cannot take your salary into account.

drspouse · 02/06/2019 03:17

And no, a quick Google confirms that the CMS doesn't take the paying parent's partner's income into account.

PregnantOnPurpose · 02/06/2019 03:18

I have no advice but my income is 18k a year and I pay £700 into joint account..

How the f do you become tight on a 100k income, let alone 180k.

Let's swap lives... please.

What do you do as a job? Gonna invest..

Youseethethingis · 02/06/2019 03:20

You’ve already been subsidising his kids, looking at those figures. And even leaching off you he still hasn’t sorted himself any savings? Nah, not your circus/monkeys etc.

To paraphrase usual step mum advice - “not your kids” “respect the mothers boundaries” “not your place to get involved”
Ok then, but that applies to financial support, too. Can’t just be switching it on and off when suits.

EL8888 · 02/06/2019 03:22

No, l wouldn't be paying it. It is their mother's turn to pick up the tab as their Dad has been doing it for so long. His ex will have to hope he gets a new job soon.

VaggieMight · 02/06/2019 03:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Original poster
MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 03:23

@drspouse we could offer to have the kids more, I’m not sure the 17yr old would want to be here more often as his mums is more convenient for his friends, but definitely worth looking in to.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 03:27

Reassuring that the majority of you don’t think I’m being unreasonable not to want to pay. I’m also wondering if I am being taken for a ride though. I guess I just thought that if I put £3k per month into the joint account it leaves me with £2.5k personal money so I’m order for him to have a similar amount of personal money after he’s paid the maintenance, he can only put £1k into the joint account. Hmmm, might have to rethink that one...

OP posts:
CFAlert · 02/06/2019 03:29

I thought my username was justified on another thread i posted...but your "OH" takes it to a completely different level!

lyralalala · 02/06/2019 03:36

I think it’s generous of you to take the CM into account when you work your money. If your both happy with it then that’s fine. In a way it’s similar to how my DH and I put al the money in one pot and take the same amount of spends out then every bill comes off what’s rest.

However, you paying the CM for him is a whole other ball game.

It would be nice with such a high income household your OH found a way of making some savings so he could still contribute but there’s no legal obligation to do so. If I could afford it and if you see his kids as your family I’d give a token amount but it wouldn’t be anything like 1k a month. And I’d only be doing it so that the kids didn’t suffer from the company going bust. Not because it was obligated

HerRoyalNotness · 02/06/2019 03:41

He doesn’t get to have a similar level of personal spending, he has THREE kids. You’ve already been subsidising him. Stop doing it.