Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
ichifanny · 02/06/2019 07:02

What has he been doing with a disposable income of 2.5k after bills every month ? I wouldn’t pay , it’s unfortunate but I assume he will be looking for a new job so will restart again at some point.

LuaDipa · 02/06/2019 07:09

I’m sorry but I have to agree with the majority, I feel he is taking you for a ride as it is. The difference in earnings is not that great so he should be contributing the same, cm or not.

It’s good that he takes responsibility for his children, but a shame that sense of responsibility didn’t extend to future planning in case something went wrong. Although why would it when he has you to pick up the slack?

gatsby2019 · 02/06/2019 07:09

Another one for don't pay and also for you to rethink your division of bills when he is back working, he has 3 kids so of course he has less disposable income than you, he should be paying half of household bills especially if he gets a similar paying job.

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2019 07:12

No definitely don’t pay it. It’s not your responsibility. If you weren’t around then his ex would have to do without for a while and cut her cloth accordingly, so the same should apply when you’re around too.
If he wants a job he’ll be back in work soon and then she’ll be able to receive maintenance again. For now it’s tough.

SunshineCake · 02/06/2019 07:14

This man is useless at best and a user at worse. Is he really the type of man you want to spend your life with? He must be great to look at or fantastic in bed as it isn't his money that makes him attractive, is it?!

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/06/2019 07:16

What on earth does he spend £2k plus on a MONTH??? And not to have any savings?

But that's irrelevant- no you shouldn't pay - his lazy arsed ex wife should get a job - most judges these days expect women to work when marriages break down and not rely on the ex partner to fund their lifestyle

ichifanny · 02/06/2019 07:16

So effectively you have been paying his CM already by subsidising his bills while he pays , I suggest when he earns again he contributes half the bills regardless .

User8888888 · 02/06/2019 07:17

£2.5k personal spends is huge. I’m sorry but he could have been saving a substantial safety net. What has he been spending that on? I don’t see why you should have to spend your savings when he hasn’t bothered to make provision. It’s tricky though because what will happen to the kids if there is no money? Is there a mortgage/rent to pay on the house? Does the mother get housing benefit.? I’d personally pay something if the alternative was their home being repossessed etc on the condition your partner made every effort to get a job (you hear lots on here about half arsed attempts). You can’t make the mother work and while it seems very unfair, I think it would be hard to say no to covering some payments if the children were close to losing their home.

giddyyup · 02/06/2019 07:18

Effectively you're already paying it as you're taking it into account when divvying up. He's taking the piss.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/06/2019 07:18

He's a CF !

When he gets a job, make him pay the same amount as you do into the joint accounts,

but 2k of that should go into savings, to tide either of you over for future unemployment or emergencies.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/06/2019 07:19

Yep, he expects you to pay CM, becauze in effect you have been doing it, by subbing him 2k oer month.

STOP

DramaRamaLlama · 02/06/2019 07:20

No don't pay.

He's being really unreasonable and there's no reason why you should lose your savings when he's clearly not bothered about financial security.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 02/06/2019 07:26

Agree with everyone else - definitely don't pay his CM or have the DCs more often as that's still you subsidising him.

He's been taking you for a ride for a while - he really shouldn't have expected to have the same level of disposable income as you in the first instance given he has 3 children to support and you have none. Sorry Op, but he's seen you coming, especially if he's now expecting you to pay CM and he hasn't any savings.

Pppppppp1234 · 02/06/2019 07:27

Don’t pay it OP, DONT dip into yours savings, that’s ridiculous. What if he is unemployed for the next year? That’s 12k of your savings gone in flash. He has to tel her he has been made redundant and has no money and no pay out as the company has gone bust. IF she goes to CMS they would probably say £7 a week or zero as he earns nothing.

Maybe you could offer a nominal amount in the mean time out of the monthly income.... maybe £200? Is that douable.

Realistically if the ex relies on it then she’s in a stupid position as for the middle child it will end in what a year? And he certainly won’t be paying £1000 for one child!

Honkycat · 02/06/2019 07:27

How will he react if you don’t pay it?

maryberryslayers · 02/06/2019 07:29

Absolutely no way should you pay!
Once he gets a new job tell him to pay the cms minimum amount so his lazy ex gets off her bum and gets a job. He should put the extra money aside for the children. Presumably they'll be wanting help with cars/uni/deposits and unless you're going to be paying for these then he needs to start saving!
I'd also make sure he's contributing more to the household, he should be saving/paying for children from his 'personal money'. Cheeky CF expecting you to pay for his kids and ex!

ExhaustedGrinch · 02/06/2019 07:32

Don't pay it. He's taking the piss. I do think if one person is a high earner and the other isn't then it should be a % of income into joint pot, but if you're both earning over £50k surely you're both earning enough to not need subsidising from each other if that makes sense?

I don't understand how someone on £80k pa has no savings? Confused

Supersimpkin · 02/06/2019 07:33

OP, you're feeding and housing his 3 kids two days a week already. Humbly suggest it's up to their parents to manage the other 5 days.

TheTrollFairy · 02/06/2019 07:34

Op, by putting more into the joint account you have already been paying for his kids!

I have a DD and I don’t get to have the same amount of spending money as I did prior to having DD. The bills all still need paying also.

How does he have no savings when earning so much? I get that you cut your cloth depending on your income but we have a joint income of about £40k per year and we have savings so it just doesn’t make any sense!

Palaver1 · 02/06/2019 07:34

You are on slippery grounds here.Its not your responsibility but if you do it resentments will build up skip to separation and divorce chats for reasons why you have to think carefully.
In essence your not earning a lot more than him and he hasn’t been saving.
This is going to open a whole can of worms.
Everyone needs to tighten their belts his family as well You mentioned he was giving above what cms suggestedYou work from the real figure but remember this will be seen as a gift be very very careful.
You do know that he has be taking the piss

snowbear66 · 02/06/2019 07:38

Don't pay.

It wouldn't exactly incentivise him to get a job, would it?

sandgrown · 02/06/2019 07:41

When DP lost his job I paid his CM for a few months because I had been a single parent myself and knew how much of a struggle it was if maintenance stopped suddenly. His ex was working though only part time.
When the ex got a new partner she did not tell the DWP or Housing Benefit . She only worked part time even when the children were older. She arrived one day in a brand new car . The next time DP was out of work I let him sort it out.

eddielizzard · 02/06/2019 07:44

You are seriously subsidising his lifestyle. While that's fine if you're both happy with it, you have absolutely no responsibility towards his kids. He'd better get another job really quickly...

jackstini · 02/06/2019 07:44

Another one agreeing don't pay

Also get on the CMS calculator and see what he should have been paying when he was in work and what it will be with £0 pay and £X savings (depending on his redundancy payment)

Maintenance should have gone down when the eldest hit 20 I believe...

Happynow001 · 02/06/2019 07:48

Actually OP how do you know he has no money? £2.5K MONTHLY personal cash is more than some people get in income before tax. Regardless, however, I would absolutely NOT pay his CM for him.

You have been far too generous in the past with very unequal contributions and he's let you as it's suited him. In the immediate term he needs to find himself work - even if not at the level he had before so he can contribute both to the household and to his children's CM.

I would definitely not take his children for more days than you already do as it will be you paying. You are not their parent or step-parent. The responsibility doesn't lie with you.

I would certainly not be funding his Ex's lifestyle. They are her children, with him, and this is something they need to sort out together. If that means she gets her act together and gets a job so be it.

For the longer term, I would strongly suggest you pull back financially on the contributions you make to the household and ensure you are more financially secure - after all you've just seen what happens when a job is made redundant.

Finally, I'm unsure what your long term plans are but I'd seriously consider whether marriage to this person would be a good idea for you - you have more to lose if you marry him. I hope you manage to resolve things OP. Good luck!🌹