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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
Bungalowblues · 02/06/2019 08:37

Tell him to sell the fancy car he is making large payments for and that will give him a few months of CM payments whilst he gets another job. I'm sure public transport to get to and from interviews for a short while would be fine. He can't live a champagne lifestyle whilst he is on a lemonade budget.

Im assuming you will be covering the mortgage payments whilst he is out of work. He is taking the piss wanting you to cover CM as well.

LoubyLou1234 · 02/06/2019 08:37

If you weren't with him then he would have to pay his own bills etc and sign on!

No you don't pay his bill he has to deal with that they are his children. If he doesn't like it tough. I'm sorry he earns enough to have some saved to provide for them, it's his responsibility. He earns 3x a month more than my salary. I manage to save and live a very comfortable life. You sure he definitely doesn't have savings you don't know about?
Don't enable him any further he needs to sort himself and his money out, you didn't have a massive difference in salary anyway.

WelshMoth · 02/06/2019 08:39

OP he sees your earning as his to spend. It's as simple as that.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 02/06/2019 08:41

Going forward, I would suggest that you work out the monthly cost of maintaining your household - so, mortgage, utilities, food, council tax etc. Divide total by 9. You pay 5/9 into the joint account and he pays 4/9. This will mean that you are each paying a amount proportional to your income. Whatever is left is personal spends - you are clearly choosing to save some of yours, he can choose how he spends his BUT his car loan and CM come out of his personal spending money. Based on the figures you've given here, your contribution would reduce by almost £800 per month and his would increase by the same amount.
His CM is not your responsibility and definitely not when you are already subsidising him heavily as he is not paying his fair share of your joint household costs.

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 08:41

But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

Then you say no. It really sounds like he’s using you. Who owns the house you’re in?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/06/2019 08:42

YABU to even consider paying, this guy sounds a real prince

£80k pa
You lost me here...

You are a very high income household...
I earn similar to you and my OH earns a similar net pay to your OH once you take off the 1k child support.

We split all household costs equally - he insists on this.
While we aren’t taking helicopter trips and buying fur coats in Harrods, we have a very comfortable life. He still saves £300-£750 per month.

It is outrageous and completely irresponsible to not have saved especially given you save been subbing him by £12k take home pay per year...!!!

He also should have got job insurance given his situation.

The claim is not through CSA so he can stop payment any time, there is no legal obligation.
You don’t need to apply for a recalculation and they won’t take your salary into account.

Also I love that his lifestyle shouldn’t suffer neither should the ex’s or the kids but yours can... and you should suck it up and pay for everyone else’s comfort Angry

In summary, He is taking you for a ride...

IStillMissBlockbuster · 02/06/2019 08:45

You've been taken for a ride op.

I get that you're both fortunate enough to be earning large amounts of money, but do you really want to be with someone, long term who can't save money when he has so much left over? That's simply inexcusable.

And secondly, WHY are you paying so much more proportionately in the first place?? You don't earn that much more than him, again, proportionately and he has 3 kids. WTF. He is a piss taker n the first place and THEN he tries to offload his CM onto you?

Wake up darling!

underneaththeash · 02/06/2019 08:48

I actually would keep paying for a set amount of time - maybe a couple of months. As you said, the children are the ones who will suffer if you don't. It will give her time to get a job and your OH time to look for another job. It would be a nice thing to do and partners should support each other.

Of course they're not your children, but I'm sure you have a relationship with them.

NC4Now · 02/06/2019 08:49

How is it that you’ve managed to accumulate savings from your £2.5k a month but he hasn’t?

How come he isn’t getting a payout? Was he made redundant or was he sacked?

If he’s been paying NI he should be able to claim contributions based JSA (not sure how it works in UC areas) which would give him £115 a week. It’s not means tested.

He sounds very irresponsible. His monthly play money is the same as my monthly income before tax & NI. I’m a single parent and have still managed to put a few months worth of money aside for emergencies.

Sarahjconnor · 02/06/2019 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TanMateix · 02/06/2019 08:50

If you have a private agreement, this can be discontinued at any time. It can be lowered to whatever you can afford or nothing at all and legally speaking, nobody will care.

Being the coward I am sometimes, I would be tempted to get the CMS involved ASAP, so they take the nasty step of informing her of his new “salary” and how much she will get as a result, then start paying whatever maintenance you can afford directly to her from your own bank account so she knows you are not the bitch she is telling everyone about.

TinselTimes · 02/06/2019 08:52

Honestly he’s already been taking the piss.

He should have less disposable income than you - he has three children to support!

You’ve been incredibly generous paying so much more into the joint account to cover his maintenance. Effectively you have been subsidising his maintenance payments to a woman who has been nasty to you and won’t get a job.

You’ve been too nice here.

Use this redundancy as a time to reset the financial aspects of your relationship. He needs to pay the maintenance fully himself - and if he doesn’t have it, then his ex wife needs to apply for benefits or a job to make up the shortfall.

Scoobydobbywho · 02/06/2019 08:54

Why should you be more financially responsible for the kids than their mother is.

MummyParanoia101 · 02/06/2019 08:54

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Genuine question - What is it like to be able to buy whatever you want?! I've always wanted to ask someone with money this question. To be able to book a holiday whenever you want? Be able to go out for a meal at anytime... Wow! My head can not fathom that possibility 😂

TinselTimes · 02/06/2019 08:54

I should add - if you want to soften the blow, you could agree to pay the maintenance for eg one or two months, on the basis he repays you when he gets a job.

And once he has a job he should be building up his savings, it’s absurd to have none on that salary!

femfemlicious · 02/06/2019 08:55

Can I just ask how just the two of you spend 4k a month on mortgage, food and bills!. That is a HUGE amount for 2 people already.
If I were you, I would use this as a wake up call to re organise your finances. If you look into your spending I'm sure you Will find that you two are frittering money away.

Find a way to reduce your outgoings and definitely DO NOT pay CM for him.

Answeringonlyyesorno · 02/06/2019 08:56

It would not surprise me if he has savings, but would rather not dip into them for his own kids......and as you've been so generous in the past thought youd be up for paying. D9nt be surprised if he suggests you got 500 each next (after 'finding' a forgotten savings account).

Hobsbawm · 02/06/2019 08:58

I agree with the others that it's ludicrous that he has no savings and that the ratio going into the pot has been 3:1. You say that maintenance would have to stop, if he weren't with you, but he'd probably have been paying more than £1k a month for his core bills if he weren't with you. (Based on his salary and having a place for his kids to stay).

However, I may be a lone voice in regards to the maintenance. It's not for his ex, it's for his children. It's their money. What is the impact on them, if the money stops? Will his ex simply have to tighten her belt a bit or will she struggle to keep a roof over their heads? If she doesn't work then £1k is probably a huge portion of what keeps his children clothed, fed, and housed. The rights and wrongs of her not working wouldn't be my priority. The children would be.

How long is likely to be out of work and without a redundancy payment, realistically? I'd probably pay a portion of the maintenance and expect his ex to make changes on her side too (find a job, cut back somehow, whatever it would be would be her choice). But I'd maybe put a time limit on it and say he had to contribute a bigger proportion of his income to the job pot once working again (for fairness mainly but also to pay me back). I couldn't see children go without, if I could help, not in my family as I'd see a partner with children as a package deal. I've never been that keen on this idea that step children are meant to be part of a step parents family but yet the step parent never has to take any responsibility ever.

MzHz · 02/06/2019 09:00

Please don’t pay

And never, ever have kids with him!

You are in serious risk territory here, do not enter into any joint financial dealings with him without making sure everything you have worked for is protected, I don’t think a joint account is a good idea with someone who thinks he’s entitled to the money you have made

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 09:01

I've never been that keen on this idea that step children are meant to be part of a step parents family but yet the step parent never has to take any responsibility ever.

They aren’t actually married so aren’t step children.

I think he is taking the piss with regards to finances. What will you do regarding bills/mortgage if the next job he gets only pays £50k, OP?

billy1966 · 02/06/2019 09:03

OP, how can you trust his reasons for being in a relationship with you when he is so obviously using you financially?

Protect yourself.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 02/06/2019 09:05

I have a totally different perspective on this.

If the children were living with you and he lost his job would you refuse to buy the kids their dinner or school uniform?
I say this because my DP has no parental responsibility over my eldest DD. I get no child support from her Ddad he has kidney failure and is seriously poorly. The £7 cms say he should pay me, I believe should go towards my DD and her dad having time together, eating an ice cream next to a river, painting supplies etc. He won't be here long! The money he gets is low.
I ended up out of work for some time, in that time DP paid everything for my DD. Food, clothes, activities etc. He did out of love for my girl. Had he said 'your child, your problem' I would have been stuck! But, him paying seemed natural, it wasn't a discussion!
So, if the kids were living with you would you refuse to pay? Could you compromise and say as you are a partnership that you will contribute but you will not be paying 1K. Even £500 would be something.

CruellaFeinberg · 02/06/2019 09:09

@MintyPickle what's your plan now?

Banhaha · 02/06/2019 09:09

I've never been that keen on this idea that step children are meant to be part of a step parents family but yet the step parent never has to take any responsibility ever.

I see my relationship with my stepchildren more as an auntie figure than a mother figure. I make sure they don't get hurt and are happy but they have two parents who are responsible financially they don't need a third.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 02/06/2019 09:09

No op no. Absolutely do not dip into your savings to pay for his children. His kids are old enough for their mum to get a job, why hasn't she? Why hasn't their dad made provision for a rainy day? I honestly don't understand why she's allowed to not work for years but you've worked hard, saved and paid more than your share yet you're expected to pay for his grown kids now?? You didn't give birth, why are you expected to be more financially responsible than their own parents???

Aside from the fact that she's bad mouthed you and you've overpaid towards household bills. Unbelievable