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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
Banhaha · 02/06/2019 07:50

No, you shouldn't be paying for his children. And don't worry about the personal spending money being equal, he has children so less for him to spend on himself. Please look after yourself - it's easy to be taken advantage of where children are involved as you don't want to feel like you are letting them down. They have 2 parents who should be able to support them financially.

Pinotjo · 02/06/2019 07:51

OP I'm amazed by this, im sure hes a lovely fella but hes taking the piss, you're already subsidising him, you both should be putting £2k into your joint account, why does he need £2.5k disposable income a month? What's he do with it if he has no savings? Crikey, most people would be lucky to earn £2.5k a month, I don't earn anywhere near and I have a "good" job. As for £1k CM, I don't think CMS would order a payment this high. As for you paying it, I'd say no to that, his ex will have to get a job or claim benefits. I think you've been more than generous, all that extra money could be going into your savings / retirement fund, imagine if you split up, you would probably stew over how much money you have spent supporting him, personally I'd cut my losses as I would think that anyone who was so selfish that I was expected to pick up the slack financially didn't care / have any respect for me. Please DONT pay it, good luck Flowers

Stiffasaboard · 02/06/2019 07:52

OMG no no no no do not pay the maintenance

What their mum does about a job is up to her but you are not in anyway financially responsible for those kids

As for your DP- he is taking you for a ride.

Why is his huge car loan not counted as personal spending? He has three financially dependant kids- that’s his extra money gone right there. He doesnt get to have the same level of money to spend on himself each month as you because he earns less and has three kids FFs.

Stop subsidising him.
He is a financial liability to you. Your money is NOT his money.

How dare he tell you to keep paying the CMS.

Do not dip into your savings.

No idea if you can turn this one around OP as he sound like he has had his cake and been enjoying eating it for so long any attempt by you to push back will be seen as you being awkward no doubt

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/06/2019 07:52

Nope. Not your kids not your financial responsibility

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/06/2019 07:53

I think he's being very unfair.
You have in effect been largely paying his maintenance already. He needs to get a job, any job. I think you need to look at how you manage joint finances a lot differently when things settle down. Aiming for the same spending money is great, but not fair on you in this situation. I also can't understand what he has been doing with his money. We work on a savings first principal in payday, it would be a good principle for him to learn.

Travis1 · 02/06/2019 07:55

Jesus he saw you coming! At that level there probably isn’t a huge disparity in your take home pay after tax and you’ve been paying 3x as much as him to bills?

No I wouldn’t pay his maintenance and once he’s working he should be paying the same as you tonbills. If he kicks off or tries to guilt/pressure you into covering him then you’ve got a cf cocklodgef on your hands and id be considering my options

Propertywoes · 02/06/2019 07:56

He's been taking you for a mug and no don't pay his ex. If she was a nice, reasonable person then maybe you'd think about it. But if she's been hell-bent on ruining your life for the last few years, well, actions have consequences.

TurboTeddy · 02/06/2019 07:57

OP you have already been subsidising his maintenance payments by covering his living expenses. You have been very generous in doing this so that you could both have the same amount of personal spending money yet you have savings and he doesn't.

If you were both on much lower incomes or there was a huge disparity in salaries then this might have been necessary for you to be able to live together but that is not the case so he has been taking advantage and is now trying to take the piss. Refuse to use your savings to cover his CM.

When he gets another job I think you need to discuss how much you each pay into the joint accounts and adjust the proportions to something that is fairer to you. His children are not your responsibility.

I don't know if you are thinking about getting married but I would be worried about a partner who had a large disposable income but was unable to accumulate a rainy day fund. It makes him look financially irresponsible.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/06/2019 07:59

I can't see how he's a user at all. Crap with money clearly and a cheeky fucker to expect you to pay his maintenance money, but other than that I can't see how he's done anything wrong.

Putting a fair share into the joint pot so that you have equal spending money left over is a pretty common arrangement, and one that women are advised on here to expect all the time, even if they have kids that's arent their partners and earn way less.

Sounds like he's been having the piss taken out of him by his ex though if she's been getting a grand a month and can't be arsed to find a job.

I'd pay for things the dc need while they are with you because in a fair partnership you're expected to support each other and presumably he won't be out of work forever, but you have no responsibility to pay his maintenance or his flash car finance.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/06/2019 07:59

I think he was taking the piss out if you to start with tbh.

As for what happens now, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be paying his child maintenance, and no, your salary isn’t taken into account when calculating how much he pays. He’s paid over and above what he should have done, which is commendable, but he now has to understand he is responsible for his dc, not you

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 02/06/2019 08:02

CMS don’t take your income into account.

Where the fuck has all his money gone?! 80k a year, only contributing 1k a month for bills... Arsehole.

Snausage · 02/06/2019 08:04

Surely his £1k child maintenance should come out of his net money, not gross (i.e. out of his personal spends after he has contributed to the joint account)? It sounds as if he's been living on Easy Street and by contributing that much(!) more to the joint account means you're already subsidising his maintenance payments.

I would not even entertain subbing the maintenance he's been paying his ex. He is now not in employment so will have to make other arrangements with her.

Quartz2208 · 02/06/2019 08:06

You have inadvertently being subbing it for years given the 3:1 split now it’s just more blantant

The ex is not your issue at all (and isn’t the cf in all of this) given his salary her maintenance for 3 children was perfectly appropriate

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 02/06/2019 08:07

As an aside, my ex has 6 months of CM aside in a separate account in case anything happens to his job. Admittedly I rely on the money as I’m a student, it’s only £250 a month but makes a huge difference, he knows this and so has made provisions in case of emergency.

Treaclesweet · 02/06/2019 08:14

80,000 pa and no savings?! Shock

AJPTaylor · 02/06/2019 08:18

The mystery that is:
He takes home 4.5 k and saves nothing.
Ex has raised 3 kids on 1k a month having never worked.

ElektraUnchained · 02/06/2019 08:18

What on earth was he spending his money on to have no savings? He is being highly unreasonable.

soulrider · 02/06/2019 08:19

To those saying use the redundancy payments - the op says the company has gone into administration, therefore it's likely that he's not been paid for the last month and any redundancy will be capped and will have to be claimed from the insolvency service and might take some time to receive.

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/06/2019 08:21

OK it isn't a mystery really my exh earned a lot but spent it on maintain the look, cars, house, suits, designer watches etc. It was exhausting.
The children are all high school age. Exw can legitimately work now with no issues.
She needs to do so.
Under no circumstances should you pay maintenence for him. I hope he didn't ask you too as that is beyond the pale of cheekness!!!

RedPink · 02/06/2019 08:22

He doesn’t get to have a similar level of personal spending, he has THREE kids

I agree

Beautiful3 · 02/06/2019 08:23

He needs to have his payments recalculated. They will put it down to 0 until he finds a job again. Please don't pay it. They will only take into account your salary if you are married.

BogglesGoggles · 02/06/2019 08:26

So his living costs are minimal and he is paying a minimal amount in child maintenance yet he has no savings. Where has his money actually gone? Its nice that you care about his kids but the answer there is to offer to have them live with you not to pay their mother.

LolaSmiles · 02/06/2019 08:31

As others have said, he's doing very well out of this arrangement which is why he us happy with it.

There are also questions to ask about where a substantial sum of money has gone over the years.

That said, he isn't entirely to blame. He ex needs to go out and get a job and not sit at home because she doesn't want to. OP it is not your job to subsidise two adults who can't be financially responsible.

CanILeavenowplease · 02/06/2019 08:31

They will only take into account your salary if you are married

Assuming you mean the CMS when you say ‘they’, there is no taking into account the OP’s salary whether married or not.

OP what does whether the ex works or not have to do with it? Are you suggesting you would be happy to pay if she worked? Really?

mawof3soontobe · 02/06/2019 08:32

This is absolutely ridiculous. His reasoning for only paying one third of the bills is so he can have the same amount of play money as you... Do you not see how immature and childish that is?! Imagine you had a friend who expected you to pay every night out or trip away or buy her clothes when you went shopping "because you earn 20k more than me so if you buy this for me I'll have the same money left in my purse as you"

You'd drop them like a hot potato! So why is it OK because you're in a relationship with this manchild?! He won a watch when he saw you coming, even with his cm and Bill contributions he's paying 1k less than you a month, yet you're the one with savings? Wake up please