Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

However @Iputthescrewinthetuna, they don't live with her nor is she married to their dad so why is it her responsibility given she was already subsiding his lifestyle and yet he was still feckless with money?

tuna but you are comparing apples and oranges there. Your DP had to keep the household going of which your daughter is a part of. If he didnt pay the household would have sunk. The OP is in a very different position. She has her own household to fund and is being asked to fund another one on top of that! Plus he gets to have his half of the mortgage paid and drive a nice car. It's a completely different scenario.

I notice the oldest child is in their 20s, are they paying rent?

He doesn’t get to have a similar level of personal spending, he has THREE kids

^this 100%

He is using you financially!

Please don’t allow this to continue.

You have been his cash cow and he has been happy to rip the piss out of you financially. Please stop this now. You need decent financial advice and to stop all of this ‘he needs equal spending money’ rubbish.

Honestly after seeing how happy he was to take from you I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with him, but if you do then a complete overhaul of finances needs to happen with both of you paying equally into the household bills. His personal bills (I.e mobile phones/car bills/gym/nights out/etc) and CM is his to deal with. If he can’t live within his means on 80k then he needs to readjust his spending and lifestyle or get a bigger salary.

Dp and I are not married either.
To me its a case of morals. If he is likely to get a job soon then would a month or 2 hurt really? Will some money contributed hurt?

I have no savings, my income is a lot lower than OPs, having savings is a luxury from where I am standing! Surely, OP can help for a month or 2!

I love mumsnet for this reason, you would all have a field day with my situation and how our family works! Its not built on 'mum, dad, step parent rules' its built on love and what needs to be done best for the kids not the adults.

iputthescrewonthetuna what you describe is v different. My sons were brought up by my dh, their stepdad. He has never shied away from paying for them. He does everything from parents evenings, to football to paying the mortgage. Difference is I don't sit on my arse expecting him to pay for my kids. I work just as hard as he does and contribute the same amount to the household finances. Op here will be subsidising her unemployed partner. Why should she also subsidise his unemployed exw? And their kids? They should get jobs and fast. Simple as that. If she walked away who would they ask? Ridiculous

Off topic but I really need to know what all the 80k + earners actually do for a living!
I need a career change

@Bungalowblues, I understand they don't live with her, but they should still be a priority ad they are his priority.
The fact he has used her for money is not relevant, she wasn't complaining before. If she wasn't happy she should have said something!
The amount he paid seems like an agreement in the partnership. She even says she was fine with that arrangement. I really don't see this as being a huge issue. Unless he has no intention of finding a new job.
I must be missing something here.

Tell him no.
You will already be paying his half of the mortgage,bills,food.He had plenty of disposable income and chose to save non of it.
He has had an easy ride.Time to reassess.
Make sure your savings are in no way available to him and don't be guilted into paying .

So everyone else gets to live the same lovely lifestyle not working and the OP has to pay then ? Fuck that

I’m sorry OP, but he sounds like an irresponsible leech. Why does he not have saving so that he can provide for his children in this situation? They don’t cease to exist or need food in their bellies. And for me, paying over the CMS minimum is not some amazing act, most mothers pay far more than this and get no praise for it.

He’s using you, completely taking advantage of your generous nature.

How the fuck does someone have circa £2.5k a month ‘personal money’ and yet has no savings?!! OP no way would I be covering child support, the children have two parents apparently fully able to work & earn money, and it is their responsibility to do so, not yours.

People saying “oh the children”.
One “child” is an adult and even if they’re at uni it’s the summer now, there’s no reason why they can’t get an office temp job for all of June, July, August and half of Sept like most people I know did at uni (including myself) and start supporting themselves a bit. Even on min wage if they do 37.5 hours a week they’ll be clearing £800 a month.

Second child is 17, can get a Saturday job at least and again could work as a waiter over the summer holidays... again I did this from aged 16 onwards, so not unreasonable at that age. My friends’ kids of that age all half part jobs, one 17 yr old is working weekends on the checkout at Sainsbury’s and getting £9p/hr!

So really it’s only 11 year that really needs the funding and a bit towards 17 year old.

I suspect a large portion of the £1000 CMS goes on household bills such as rent etc which at this stage their mum needs to start picking up the slack on. All of the job options for the older children are also available to her and there’s no reason not to work as the “kids” at that age are old enough to be left alone whilst she works, even the 11yr old.

But no I would no be funding the kids.

Are you absolutely sure he doesn’t have a secret savings account? I’m at a loss as to how he earns so much, contributes so little and now has no money?!

He should get a redundancy payout which he can use to keep paying, it might not last long if he keeps CMS at £1000pcm so he may have to reduce it,

If you want to continue to fund his lifestyle that’s up to you

He wouldn’t have to stop paying. Paying for his kids should be his first bill, not his last

And how would he do that, the whole point is he has lost his job and had no income, honestly do some people even bother reading the first post.

@LagunaBubbles I think what the PP was saying was before funding his car, dinners out or whatever then funds should be directed towards his kids. If he can’t afford to upkeep his car he needs to sell it and use the money from that to pay his CMS for example.
On £80k I suspect he’s got a very naice car

You have no obligation to pay his CM, and I say this as a single mum who relies on the CM my ex pays. We also have a voluntary agreement and if he lost his job I wouldn’t expect him to continue paying if he had to take money off someone else to do so. Yes it would hit us hard, but if were a lazy bitch like your OP’s ex, not working at all with teenage DCs, I’d have been expecting this day to come and would have prepared for it.

On the other hand. How are the two of you frittering away £180k in salaries (I know a chunk of it will be taxed, but even at 50% you have £90k a year to spend between you!!!) I live quite happily with my 3 DCs on about £25k total after tax, in a nice area with a new car. WTF are you BOTH doing with all that money?!?!

I agree fanjo fizz I suspect he’s got a few lifestyle choices he could sell or give up to continue paying his child maiantainance if that’s his priority . Downgrade OMG is car to free up a few thousand rather than spend his partners savings .

His not OMG

In his shoes the first thing I'd be doing is considering giving the eldest a small allowance if they need it and telling the ex that as soon as the next one is off to uni or wherever that any money paid goes to them and not to her and that the amount paid will be reduced substantially (is it court ordered?) because of the redundancy and thereafter because it is an obscenely large amount and so she had better get off her pampered arse and get a job. And if I were OP no way would I pay - the CM and I'd consider a more equitable arrangement in the future too. As I read this, she's been doing the right thing and saving and he's had the benefit of her income in reducing his child and ex-wife maintenance whilst blowing all spare cash. Fuck that.

tuna I suspect the OP was happy with the arrangement until she was asked to cover the CM and then it brought into focus how unequal everything else actually is. Just because she was happy before doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to re-evaluate the situation. Suspect the scales have now fallen from her eyes.

It's really easy to be altruistic with someone elses money. When you've sat through countless shitty meetings or undergone the umpteenth crappy commute I can imagine it would grate a bit knowing you are funding someone else to sit on their backside. The kids are either grown up or old enough that the ex could easily get a job.

OP was posting gone 2am this morning so if she's any sense she'll still be in bed but I'd be interested to hear her take on this as a lot of posters have made a lot of very salient points - something doesn't add up.

Why did he need to have equal "pocket money" to you, when he was earning less and had commitments to his children?
If he wanted the same amount of spending money as you, perhaps he should have looked at earning more.

I don't think you should have to pay.
If it was me I would probably offer to pay for say 3 months so there wasn't an immediate financial crisis for his DC

That would give him and his ex the chance to find work.

Going forward I would be changing things

It seems to me that effectively you are already largely subsidising his CM,and really ,why should you pay when their mother does not

I''m really struggling to see how your DP can have so much disposable income and no savings. First thing I'd do is for him to explain to ex the situation. For him to pay the lowest required amount. For her to get get a job. And for your DH to start saving money. You both have very high income by any definition. Jesus it's quite something. DH and I have a joint income of half of what you both earn, we own two properties outright, and live in an expensive part of London, AND we have 50+k savings and investments. He really needs to get his act together.

I agree with everyone else that you need to reorganise finances in the future.
I think you should give a smaller amount to the ex every month as a loan as I wouldn't want the kids to suffer.

However as an aside, you have £2.5 k disposable. You take out his £1k contribution. That leaves you with one and a half thousand pounds still. Even if you pay her the whole £1k, which I'm not suggesting you do, you'd still have 500 left, which whilst obviously not what you are used to, is still a large amount of disposable income by most people's standards.

Haven't read the full thread, but your OH should only really be paying for the 11 year old here. If the 17 yo is in full time education, then he will still have to pay, but it is checked through ongoing child benefit. I know as this has happened to me recently.

Not only this, as you have the children more than 52 nights a year there would be a reduction in CM for this as well. In fact you may well be in the higher reduction bracket.

There are moral and legal obligations here. The CMS would give him a zero maintenance calculation, but it is up to him morally how he helps out. The way forward here is to ask the CMS to make a calculation. Your OH does not have to abide by it, but is the legal situation at present.

Op, please do not pay the £1,000 per month. I suspect it goes toward his ex's rent/mortgage which of course keeps a roof over the childrens' heads and this is his worry. You cannot support your own home and his ex's home. Surely on his salary he must have some level of savings whereby he could assist his own children? After all, you are already being more than generous.

Sorry if I have not picked up on anything else you have said op, but I have had many years of experience of the CMS. It is a bumpy ride but it makes your position clear.