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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
Notanidiot · 02/06/2019 03:43

If you have the kids over more often, then it's you that are paying for them, not your partner if he doesn't have an income.

Again you are being too soft.

As others have said, the children are not your responsibility. They have a mother and a father and it's up to them to sort things out, not you.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2019 04:07

Why doesn't he have any savings?

violetbunny · 02/06/2019 04:10

How on earth does he earn that much and have absolutely nothing to fall back on? 😟

Rainbowqueeen · 02/06/2019 04:24

Why doesn’t he have savings??

You are already doing enough. What is his plan?? Does he plan to get any kind of work he can to cover the CM until he finds a proper job? Will he get redundancy pay??

Up to him and the DCs mum to sort out.

Coyoacan · 02/06/2019 04:26

Whao, what a shite father, OP. I was a single mother and as soon as I had a well paying job I starting setting money aside to see me through future shortages. Your OP has had 2,500 spending money every month and nothing to show for it, now his kids have to go without because he lost his job.

You sound wonderful, but you have been subsidising him enough, and his CM is not your concern.

Ferii · 02/06/2019 04:40

Absolutely not your responsibility to pay his CM so don't. You're completely being taken for a ride by this man, I'm sorry you've sunk so much time and money in to him. £80k is an excellent salary and he should be able to contribute far, far more than £1000/month to your pot. My DH and I have a combined household income of signifcantly less than you two and we lived in one of the most expensive areas in London/SE England and could still afford to live comfortably enough. You have no protection for yourself since you're not married to him, I hope he's not named on your mortgage. You've been subsidising the life of this useless man and his feckless ex-wife long enough.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 02/06/2019 04:41

@MintyPickle

"I put £3k per month into the joint account it leaves me with £2.5k personal money so I’m order for him to have a similar amount of personal money after he’s paid the maintenance, he can only put £1k into the joint account. Hmmm, might have to rethink that one..."

I think you should put the same amount of money into the joint account - and then you take care of personal obligations from your own funds (in his case that means maintenance and car payments etc)

I might think differently if he was on $30k and you were on $150k but the difference between you isn't great

LadyBrienneofTarth · 02/06/2019 04:43

@MintyPickle

And whatever you do, do not pay his maintenance

ANewDawn10 · 02/06/2019 04:47

No dont pay it. Yanbu at all! The kids lazy mother can get a job and fund them.

Verastsnhope · 02/06/2019 04:50

Agree with everyone else, don’t pay the maintenance. And I’m a woman with a child with an ex husband! Prepare for him to potentially kick off about it, though. His ex wife may well kick off too. This is not your responsibility, you’re keeping the roof over your partner and his kids heads while they’re there. You may need those savings if you split. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable like that it’s a horrible position to be in. Good luck telling him. Prepare for a backlash.

Ruru8thestars · 02/06/2019 05:00

Why would you pay his maintenance - he’s taking you for a ride!

Muluea · 02/06/2019 05:01

No

Parents are obliged to support
their children.

If the parents are together and one loses their job there is no 3rd person who steps in and makes up the lost income.

Same applies here. 2 parents. One lost their income, so the 2 parents need adjust their lifestyles to support their children. They can't rely on a 3rd person.

squiglet111 · 02/06/2019 05:01

Nope. Don't pay it. It's not your fault he never saved for a rainy day. You have managed to save money while he's fritted his away. It's the consequence of his actions. Don't forget, you will be covering his share of bills plus his spending. No way you can afford his maintenance too.

I also think once he gets another job he should be paying more towards the bills and you less. Especially as he doesn't bothered to save. Then maybe you can save the extra for emergency family fund.

Does he know about your personal savings? If it didn't exsist then he couldn't expect you to cover everything still.

Ex wife will have to get a job. Simple!

What if he struggles to find another job? You could be lumbered paying for everything for a long time!

TheSerenDipitY · 02/06/2019 05:21

no way, you have already been paying 2/3's more than he has been for the household bills, hes been getting it easy, he needs to tell the ex that hes lost his job and she will need to apply for cms, and she gets what they say, from him not you, an it will increase when he gets another job, which better be pretty quick and you wont be paying for him long term, and when he does get another job... he pays HALF the household bills as he is HALF the household

MarieG10 · 02/06/2019 05:45

OP. I am staggered to read your post that he expects you to pay his child maintenance.

Have you stepped back and look at your relationship in other ways as his version of what's normal seems bizarre

PregnantSea · 02/06/2019 05:56

Why on earth doesn't he have any savings? He had loads of spare cash left over every month, even after his contribution to the house and his CM payment. I am genuinely shocked by this.

I'm afraid I'd have to agree with PPs that he isn't a very responsible father. If you've got kids, and you aren't living hand to mouth, then you save when you can for a rainy day. That goes without saying.

Anyway, to answer your question - no, for love of God, DO NOT PAY HIS CM FOR HIM. Please don't go down that road. It's his responsibility to let his ex know that he's lost his job and can't pay her this month, and it's his responsibility to come up with a plan to start paying again (ie finding a new job).

If you want to financially support him through this time then I completely understand, and I think it's part of being a live in partner, but don't get involved in anything to do with paying his ex for stuff. It's nothing to do with you.

ComeAndDance · 02/06/2019 06:03

Nope I wouldn’t pay either, esp as you are not married.
Seeing his wage and how much he puts in the common pot, he is already massively taking the piss. Asking you to dip into your savings just isn’t ok.
FWIW, with the arrangement you have and £2.5k spending money each month he should have some spare money and a nice cushion of savings.

blackcat86 · 02/06/2019 06:09

Please don't do this. I've been in your position and have paid cm for my now DH (we weren't married at the time) and it has created an awful dynamic where cf mum now expects me to fund everything from expensive school trips (£600+) to school shoes. When I refuse DSS stops visiting. I should have refused from the word go but thought I was being a good partner - dont judge me, I hadn't found mn yet! If you do this now then you'll be financially dragged down and will struggle to reset the terms later on. You've obviously worked hard and been sensible so dont let this cf take advantage.

Liverbird77 · 02/06/2019 06:17

Please don't pay.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2019 06:24

Won’t he be negotiating a settlement? He should pay out of that and find a new job pdq. My dh was made redundant recently. He was out of work for about 5 months. But had he needed to work for cash he could have got an interim job far faster. I’m sure it’s the same for your dh even if it means reducing his salary temporarily or go contracting, which usually pays very well. As long as he’s not in a niche market, he could possibly be looking at £500 a day.

user1498572889 · 02/06/2019 06:26

Not your children not your responsibility to pay his CM

tempester28 · 02/06/2019 06:37

Won't he get a redundancy payment? If so can't he use this to maintain the status quo while he looks for another position.

I don't think you should pay - it is not your responsibility.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 02/06/2019 06:40

Not your kids, not your responsibility Tell him to go to the CMS and he may not have to pay anything until hes earning again. If the ex doesn't like it she can get a job.

notapizzaeater · 02/06/2019 06:50

Has he actually spoken to the ex?

Honkycat · 02/06/2019 06:54

He earns 80k and he hasn’t got any money? Is he likely to get another job soon?