Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

I haven't read the full thread but honestly it's a sad day when someone who earns 100K a year says "we have to tighten our belts"

I'm about to read the thread but no OP, those aren't your kids, you shouldn't be paying his child maintenance.

for you OP. What a horrible situation, which you have handled brilliantly. I feel for the kids too, especially the youngest.

OP, you have been handed a shit deck of cards this past week, credit to you for handling things they way you have for your sake and that kids. What a horrible thing to have happened last night. I hope tomorrow isn't too hard on you either OP

You are such a kind person for giving him £5K to make sure his child can be looked after.

Please use this kindness on yourself when you find things tough

Credit to you for how you handled it all OP. It wasn't going to be easy with the kids but you've handled it as best possible.

Putting the child first is fantastic, feel enormously for those children but also you. You have been treated badly but you stepped up to care for that child when their parents didn't. Speaks volumes. Will be sad if they were to lose you from their lives.
What did exOH do to earn that much money yet be completely incompetent in his financial affairs?
You have been strong and decisive, think a few other mn's need to take a leaf out of your book. Hope one day in the future you find the partner you deserve. Stay strong.

Wow, so sorry your ex is such a shit and hope today goes as well as possible 💕

You've handled all of this with class and grace, OP.

I sincerely hope this is the wake up call your ex needs, so when he does eventually find a new job, he is more sensible with money and planning for emergencies and the future. He has let his son down by his frivolousness; hopefully he will sort himself out.

I hope having the boys around today to collect their things goes as smoothly as possible for everyone.

OP, you are well out of this mess and hats off to you for classy behaviour throughout.

Hope yesterday went okay OP.

Wow, just been reading your updates OP.

You're doing so well and also doing the right thing.

I split with my ex just over a year ago - due to his incredibly irresponsible approach to money. He was a high earner but was crippled with debt.

it' s been hard, but totally the right thing to do to split. Be strong, you can feel secure in your future now which wouldn't happen if you were still with your ex.

Well done for keeping your cool and putting the kids first. Too many people lose this perspective in the heat of it.

Op I think you should work out (in round number terms) howvthe money has flowed for the pair of you since you’ve been together or at least since you started living together/had a shared account (whichever came first).

Say that was 5 years (for ease of maths!) that’s half a million gross for you, £400k for him.

Say you both lose about half for taxes, Ni etc. leaving you with £250k, him with £200k.

You have paid £180k into the general pot while he has paid £60k. He has paid &90k tops (could be £75k or less) towards his kids.

Over that 5 years, you have been left with £70k for your own expenses including car. You sound like you have managed to make some savings in that time.

On the other hand, he will have been left with £140k - twice as much as you - despite him earning less than you - to cover his commitments. He is the one that chose to run a fancy car rather than save and although child support isn’t money that he could have reduced to save instead of, you have been subsidising a large chunk of it so he had money to fritter.

Those are incredibly rough guesstimates - but work it out along those lines to remind yourself how much he was happy to take you for granted for, to his own benefit - and if he comes back looking for more money for the house - to show him exactly how much he has already ripped you off!

Just realised my previous post is on completely the wrong thread so have reported and asked MNet Towers to delete it or move it but whatever they do rob, get it off his thread!

How are you doing OP ??