Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

Unfortunately I think you are going to have to tell his Ex that you are no longer together, because he won't. As he thinks that he can worm his way back into your life.

And until it's out in the open he will continue to lie about it. And be aware he will spin it that the reason you are no longer with him is because he has been made redundant and not because he not been paying his way.

Well to the slight defence of the exw. You can’t just tell someone that you’re not having the kid on your day.
But I really can’t believe she just left him and drove off.
I presume she heard the messages from you and decided it her her ex husbands problem not hers. And I hope that if her son called her she would be straight back.

In all honesty she probably parked down the road or something and waited to see him go in to yours. She was clearly deciding this time she wasn’t going to be the one that had to back down and I don’t blame her for that. Especially if she didn’t know you were split.

Has he been yet? 10.42 isn't first thing.....
Bet he rocks up after lunch just to reaffirm you your place. He has zero respect for you.
Today is the day he becomes an ex op?

I would be ripping him a new one when he turns up.
He’s been utterly utterly irresponsible for not telling his ex that you had split up, especially after she had asked if you were going with him on his trip.

She’s not much better for just driving off without checking, however I doubt she would have done it had she known.

It doesn’t bear thinking about what would have happened had you not been in.

I hope you're feeling okay today OP, and the bairn is ok, you've been shafted between these selfish tit parents.

Jesus, what would have happened if you'd been out for the night? Does the kid even have a phone? She's a disgrace dropping him off like that knowing rightly that you weren't expecting him and she didn't even wait to see if you were at home!! She would be getting a right bollicking from me.

You're amazing OP!

Both your ex and his ex have behaved terribly and seem to have repeatedly put their wishes above the needs of their children. Imagine just dumping the child on your doorstep when she knew her ex wasn't there and just assuming that you were there. Good news that the little boy was oblivious!

I hope one of them has collected him this morning and that you can have a bit of time to do whatever you want today.

Norrow escape op. My dps exw would never dream of doing this.
Tbh I'd report it to ss just out of concern that this may be the norm!

Ex-OH isn’t back yet, he text me to say he was leaving Cornwall at 7am but it will take 5-6hrs. To be fair to ex-OH he has only ever asked to change nights of having the kids at short notice once before, and that was when my mum died 2 years ago. His ex, on the other hand, expects us to change our plans at a minutes notice and once “forgot” that she was only holiday for 2 weeks rather than one so when we went to drop the boys home after week one, there was no one there. We ended up keeping them for 3 weeks because she came back from 2 weeks in turkey with food poisoning!

Wow. So his exwife has a tremendous amount of nerve to be complaining after 'forgetting' she'd left the country for two weeks, not one... What if you'd been booked to go somewhere?!?!

Wow. Just wow. She does seem like the bigger problem on this one, but your now ex should have made arrangements for his son; he could have taken him with him for example.

Jesus what a pair, glad you're extricating yourself from these pair of users. Hope a parent turns up soon.

DO NOT PAY CM ON HIS BEHALF- he's a CF for even asking. You're subsiding him already.

@QueSera said it best.

Just read the update- sorry you're having to go through this OP but well done for being so strong and sticking to your guns. You'll look back on this episode and laugh one day.

I sincerely hope you get the house sorted and into your name asap so you can close the door on this shit storm of a situation and get on with your life. Your exOH needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for himself and his kids. As for his ex, to hell with her. She's not worth wasting your thoughts on anymore and you won't have anything to do with her again. Explain to exOH Ds that you won't be seeing him again either. Sad that you won't see him/his siblings, but definitely not worth hanging on to his scrounging dad for.

Jesus what a pair of shitbags these parents are. There was a woman who lived on our housing estate back in the 90s who used to drop her kid on the doorstep and run.

Backfired on her eventually when someone she did it to called SS

Gawd, they are a pair of cunts! Has he come to pick up his child yet? I agree with wibble, and forget about 'to be fair', this pair are in no way fair, they're dickheads. I'd put it out everywhere that you are split.

Are they usually this feckless?

Is he back yet op?

Is the shitrag back yet? I bet he doesnt show his face until later on tonight. Cunt

Well done you I think you've handled it all well stay strong

Your Ex and his ex sound as bad as each other, the poor DCs. Well done for looking after him OP but they really need to sort themselves out in future.

Today’s been tough. Ex-OH turned up at 2.30, had the decency to be suitably apologetic and also showed me the texts between him and his ex this morning. He has told her everything, so she knows we’ve split up and is going to be living at his mums as he can’t rent due to being made redundant. He is going to pay as much maintenance as possible out of the £5k he gets from me and has committed to minimising the impact on the kids financially as much as he can, but he will need some living expenses until he gets a new job. Her response was predictably vile, but at least she knows now. She was not remotely apologetic for dumping her son, even when the split had been explained to her. We also both spoke to his son, which was hard as he was so upset. Ex-OH was really good with him, but it’s obviously hugely disruptive, he’s worried about not seeing me, what will happen to his bedroom here, and what will happen about the holiday we had booked. I feel awful for him, he’s already coped with his parents separating when he was tiny, and now this. They’ve left now to go to ex-OH mums but I have said they can come round tomorrow with other son to pick up some stuff. Just hope tomorrow isn’t as hard 😢 I just feel shell shocked. I can’t be with him, I hate his irresponsible approach, but I still love him and just feel utterly alone.

It's right that you feel for his poor son, after 6 years it would be odd if you didn't, but he isn't your responsibility and you'll need to set clear boundaries for any ongoing relationship with him (if that's possible).

I feel sorry those kids have such twat parents, but you're right, you can't keep subbing this lazy, feckless person forever. Cannot believe he had no savings after earning so much for years. Do you have someone who can be with you whilst he comes over? Please do NOT cave.