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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

284 replies

Jessie1980 · 31/05/2019 12:06

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things. Shock Sad

OP posts:
holdupwaitamin · 31/05/2019 12:11

I have a DS of 15yo and I would be absolutely horrified to think my step-DD's mum was having these thoughts about my boy. Sad
When your own DS turns 14/15 would you trust him with a neighbours kid, for example?
Maybe my own DS is clouding my judgement here but this makes me very sad for the young boys we are raising - assumes predators.

Have you met the children, perhaps that would put your mind at rest?
Do you trust your ex's judgement?

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 12:20

That horrendous boy is a monster and rhere have been a handful of cases like his ever so please dont let that cloud your judgment. It would be so so so unlikely for anything like that to happen.

I think this depends. Of they nipped down to the beach to play together away from the sea for 10 mins then I think YABU. If they were in the water (for obviously reasons) or were gone for hours then I think you are right to be concerned. Not because they would deliberately hurt your children but because 14 and 15 with no experience is not really old enough to know how to care for a small child. What if 5yo needed the toilet or fell over and hurt themselves?

Completely depends on the circumstances.

holdupwaitamin · 31/05/2019 12:21

If you are going to say something I would approach it more along the lines of sea safety rather than you think the boys might be depraved perverts

Gth1234 · 31/05/2019 12:24

personally, I would have thought your kids would have a great time with the older step brothers. It's verging on madness to assume that nobody can be trusted.

What do your kids say? Did they enjoy themselves?

Illberidingshotgun · 31/05/2019 12:28

This could potentially be a lovely relationship for your DC, so it would be a shame to jeopardise that, however I understand your concerns. My main issue would be whether they had gone near the water, and if the older DC have any experience of younger children.

Could you arrange to meet the boys, which hopefully would help you feel more comfortable, and at the same time discuss some "ground rules" with your ex and his DP about the time that all the children spend together without adults?

ElijahOrKlaus · 31/05/2019 12:31

I wouldn't be happy about it especially not for the younger one!
Have a small friendly word with ex.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 31/05/2019 12:34

Surely teenage boys who want to take good care of DC should be encouraged?

Have your DC said anything to worry you?

Pearlfish · 31/05/2019 12:35

I agree with previous posters that, based on relative risks, my concerns would be around water safety. Did your 5yo go in the sea?

5foot5 · 31/05/2019 12:39

I thought your concern was going to be water safety too.

Whosorrynow · 31/05/2019 12:40

I know of a case where is 6 year old girl was regularly left in the care of a 15 year old boy, he molested her I suppose you could say that he was a paedophile in training, he later went on to also abuse his own children, that's just what I know about

my2bundles · 31/05/2019 12:43

I find it upsetting that you have these thoughts about teenage boys. What you are imagining would not enter the minds of the majority of teenage boys, in fact tne majority would go out of their way to protect younger children this is a very sick thread.

PinaColadaPlease · 31/05/2019 12:44

I wouldn’t like my children being looked after by someone that either I or their father didn’t know well.

If your ex has only known them 3 months (and presumably not spent a huge amount of time with them in that period) then I don’t think it is long enough to make a judgement about how responsible they are. Especially when playing near or in the sea.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 12:49

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones. There's also the safety aspect and the fact that they absolutely won't watch them as well as a parent would.

bobstersmum · 31/05/2019 12:50

Absolutely nothing to do with what the boys might or might not do to the dc (I'm a worrier but what you said is out of order) I wouldn't be happy with the boys being sent off with two very young kids your dc should be with their dad really.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 12:50

@my2bundles

Its not a sick thread - there are sick people in the world and some of them are teenage boys. That's an absolute fact, and I say that as a Mum of one. The OP has never met them, and her Ex has known them for 5 minutes. She doesn't have a clue if they are trustworthy with her precious children.

There's nothing sick about being careful.

sincethereis · 31/05/2019 12:53

You can have a word with you EX h but you can’t really do anything about it.

When he has the kids it’s up to him to look after and decide who can be around ur children.

my2bundles · 31/05/2019 12:53

Insinuating they could be predators is sick Yes concerns about if they would watch them near water is valid. Insinuating that 2 perfectly normal innocent teenagers are potential predators is sick

springgreensunshine · 31/05/2019 12:56

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones

Would you be equally concerned about girls of that age?

I have boys. They love any excuse to run about with little kids. They get to act like 5 yr olds but pretend they are only doing it to be helpful.

How sad that people might assume they are only doing it so they can molest or think about molesting a child.

sincethereis · 31/05/2019 12:57

Insinuating they could be predators is sick Yes concerns about if they would watch them near water is valid. Insinuating that 2 perfectly normal innocent teenagers are potential predators is sick

I don’t know if OP meant this but I agree with this one hundred percent. Pretty sure EX would be offended if you even suggested that.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 12:57

It really isn't sick. You don't know what anyone is capable of and it isn't sick to have concerns about a stranger having sole care of young children.

holdupwaitamin · 31/05/2019 12:57

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones

Oh ffs plenty of 14/15yo boys AND girls enjoy playing with their younger siblings/cousins etc. It's quite nice to see them enjoying themselves and feeling 'young' again on skateboards, roller skates, pool noodles, Lego sets... instead of focussing on what Teenage Boys Really Should Be Doing.

cocomelon23 · 31/05/2019 12:59

I'd be concerned but only in respect of the water safety aspect.

thedancingbear · 31/05/2019 12:59

Sorry, but the whole premise of this thread is fucked up. It seems to equate to male = paedophile.

Are you going to trust your children around younger kids when they are older, OP?

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 12:59

Would you be equally concerned about girls of that age

Teens I'd never met, didn't know anything about and who wanted to take my young children to the beach alone? Absolutely.

I have done lots of work with vulnerable children in a child protection role and would never, ever take this risk.

You might think it's "sick", or "sad", but that's the world we live in. And to be honest, if my teen DS was in a similar situation, I'd think it was strange if the parent of the young children wasn't concerned.

dreichuplands · 31/05/2019 13:00

The dc in the Isle of Bute case all knew each other well.
Look at the PANTS information on the NSPCC website and discuss it with your dc.

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