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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

284 replies

Jessie1980 · 31/05/2019 12:06

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things. Shock Sad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2019 13:00

Molestation? Extremely unlikely. Water safety would be my main concern tbh. Your ex doesn’t know these teens well enough to understand how responsible they are.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:01

Oh ffs plenty of 14/15yo boys AND girls enjoy playing with their younger siblings/cousins etc

They aren't siblings or cousins. They are the unknown children of a complete stranger.

Mummoomoocow · 31/05/2019 13:01

OP, ignore the people telling you your a bad mother for worrying about sexual abuse.

The most important job you have in this world is to keep your children safe. In the case of most sexual predators, they are successful because of the very idea that mothers trust their children with them. The others are child snatchers.

My sister abused our niece for years. She was 14 at her oldest age and my niece 9 years younger. Age is not an issue.

Your ex will be upset regardless of how you broach this with him. Expect that. But if you want to take a different approach, tell him it is illegal to leave children in the care of anyone under the age of 16. Buys you some time to get to know them

MrsHormonal2019 · 31/05/2019 13:02

He's only known them 3 months and as a child my mother left me with friends teenage children to be baby sat and I got fiddled with numerous time.
Not in a rape way but they make it a game and as a kid you go along with it.
Eg playing house etc.
I'd never leave my kid alone with children I don't know because of that

UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 13:03

They aren't siblings or cousins. They are the unknown children of a complete stranger.

They are the fathers, partners children, defacto step siblings.

PinaColadaPlease · 31/05/2019 13:03

Most of us do not leave our children with strangers because we wouldn’t consider it a safe thing to do or fair on our children.

It is very sad that children being molested by someone looking after them is a concern but I don’t think it can be considered sick for the OP to be concerned about it, it does happen. That said, the likelihood is that they are perfectly decent, kind boys, along with the vast vast majority of teens.

RomanyQueen1 · 31/05/2019 13:04

YANBU they are strangers to your family and your ex has only known the family 5 minutes.
Do people really leave young children with strangers.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/05/2019 13:04

I can understand why you have reservations.
However this is not your decision and you have no say on things like this on his parenting time.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:05

@unicornbrexit - Did you not read the part where she said they've been together three months? 12 WEEKS. You have no idea how many times they've even met as a couple, never mind how many times he's met the children. The OP has NEVER met the children. The children had never met the children. They are NOT step-siblings.

Even if they were, it wouldn't make any difference whatsoever. My step-relative abused me as a young child. I have c-PTSD as a result. It really is not worth the risk.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:05

I find it upsetting that you have these thoughts about teenage boys

I find this attitude very strange. Would you be happy for your DC to be left in the care of an adult male you had never met? Probably not, so why is it different because the person in question is a teenager?

Aridane · 31/05/2019 13:06

WTAF - worry about water safety or depraved teenage paedophile pervert rapists!

my2bundles · 31/05/2019 13:06

As a parent of a pre teen boy I find this depressing. Is this really what people will think of my kind natured boy in a few years?

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 13:07

However this is not your decision and you have no say on things like this on his parenting time.

This, 100%. Does he have a habit of telling you how to parent your children when they are with you? If not, then leave him to parent his own kids.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:07

you have no say on things like this on his parenting

Of course she does, as their mother, especially if she thinks they are at risk. By that logic, a father can beat them black and blue then, as long as it's on his own "parenting time"? Confused

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 13:08

When they told you about it, how did they sound? Enthusiastic, excited, happy or withdrawn, matter of fact, tense? I'd go by this as I would with them being around anyone they didn't know well.

PositiveVibez · 31/05/2019 13:09

They are the fathers, partners children, defacto step siblings

She isn't really his partner though is she? They have only been dating for 12 weeks.

I wouldn't be happy with my 5yo to be taken to a beach by a stranger regardless of it being a teenage boy or teenage girl.

MrsPMT · 31/05/2019 13:09

I agree with you.

We used to visit DP sister and her family and she had a DS who was approx 15, I wouldn't leave my DS (4 at the time) alone with him or let him go out unsupervised. I didn't know him well enough or trust him enough, not that I thought he would harm him, just be careless.

But if you trusted your exH judgement and he felt the boys are trustworthy and decent boys (which he might do after 3 months) then I would have less concerns.

Although beside the sea is a bigger worry really, plenty grown-ups can come to difficulties and not be vigilant enough watching children in this environment.

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 13:10

OP, ignore the people telling you your a bad mother for worrying about sexual abuse

I certainly didn't say that and I haven't seen anyone else criticise the op. We just said that approaching it from a water safety POV is best and alsoI tho k you should say you would loke to have your children only in the care of people they know well. If you say you are worried about them abusing your children I am sorry but you will look at bit ott.

I am fairly sure this isn't the Op's decision and comes down to the ex so it's best to approach it with him reasonably anyway.

Gth1234 · 31/05/2019 13:10

Most of us do not leave our children with strangers because we wouldn’t consider it a safe thing to do or fair on our children.

that's not true at all. We send them off to school without a thought. we send them to play groups, child minders, sports clubs, sunday schools even.

There has to be some trust. Not all priests are depraved. Not all grown ups are depraved priests

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:11

is this really what people will think of my kind natured boy in a few years

As the mother to a wonderful, caring teen boy, possibly, if he's being left on his own with little children. Welcome to 2019. Personally, I'm glad a parent would have concerns. If my teen was going to be working with children, he'd be expected to pass a DBS check. I'm not going to be pearl-clutchy about it despite knowing that it wouldn't even enter his head to do anything untoward to children. But some could and would, so it's a necessity.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 31/05/2019 13:11

But if you want to take a different approach, tell him it is illegal to leave children in the care of anyone under the age of 16

Since when?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:11

As a parent of a pre teen boy I find this depressing. Is this really what people will think of my kind natured boy in a few years?*

Why are there so many mums of boys taking this thread so personally? Your boy may well be absolutely lovely, but does that mean that all teenage boys must be assumed to be lovely, safe and trustworthy? Even ones you've never met and know absolutely nothing about? OP doesn't want her small child to be left in the care of a complete stranger she has never met, a stranger who in this case happens to be an adolescent boy. Only on MN could that we considered unreasonable Hmm

KTheGrey · 31/05/2019 13:11

Yours are too young to be left with teenagers; the teens are too young to have exclusive responsibility for a couple of under tens, esp by the sea. Do they have lifesaving qualifications? School risk assessments for beaches for schools etc are very exhaustive, and I would be unimpressed with an adult letting kids under ten on the beach without supervising them.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 31/05/2019 13:12

Is this really what people will think of my kind natured boy in a few years?

It's not, I promise!

Pinkvoid · 31/05/2019 13:12

I would be more concerned about safety around the sea than them being psychotic murderers or paedophiles tbh. You may be watching too much Crimewatch.

I wouldn’t want my DC to be left alone with teenagers near the sea, no and I equally wouldn’t want to be a teenager left in sole charge of two under ten’s near the sea.

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